Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 23, 2008

Which is to say, IT DOES NOT FIT ME WELL.

(I always feel like I have to put an exclamation point after ALL CAPS, since I am shouting. But in my head it is all “IT DOES NOT FIT ME WELL, ahem.” Hence the period.)

Picture it: Chicago’s North Side, a warm late-September day in 2008. (Yes, I’ve been watching too many episodes of The Golden Girls on Lifetime. That part of unemployment SUITS ME JUST FINE!) (That was like a WOO! at the end, hence the exclamation point. Wouldn’t you love to just spend five minutes inside my brain seeing how it works? It’s a scary, scary place.)

Where were we? Right, the streets of the North Side of Chicago today. I have realized that the part of unemployment I do not enjoy is the lack of routine. As much as I love the sleeping in and the late-night episodes of The Golden Girls and The Cosby Show, I really miss having a reason to get up. I’m definitely a creature of habit and enjoy routine much more than the average bear.

Most people would enjoy this time off and do great things like work out hours a day like a celebrity, catch up on correspondence and explore the City and enjoy the lovely weather Chicago has given us lately. (To make up for all the rain, apparently.)

I am not most people. If I don’t have a reason to put on clothes, I don’t. I need a reason to shower. And brush my teeth. And leave the house. Because located in my house is a comfy couch, sugar-free Kool-Aid and loads and loads of daytime television. If I don’t have to get out of bed for an interview or hours of drinking, I’m damn sure not going to get out of bed and go work out just for the hell of it. At least if I have a job I can tell myself, “well, self, you’re already up. And out.”

Today I decided to change that. It is in the 80s here and it is almost October. That means winter will be here soon! Must savor this fantastic weather by actually going out in it! So after a morning and a lot of the early afternoon spent on the computer doing anything but leaving, I finally peeled my ass off the couch and went about leaving! I decided I would walk to the beach, read my book for a few hours and then walk back. Check me out, bitches, exercise AND reading! Stop patting my back, you’re giving me a bruise.

After many tries to leave (oh, need sunblock! And water! And bring those thank you cards to write out! And a towel to sit on in the grass! And don’t forget your book, you dumbass!) I finally walked out the door around 2:30 this afternoon. My mind was so proud of itself. For actually sputtering out more thoughts than “water”, “food” or “Soap Net”.

So I set off. It was very nice out, even nicer right by the lake, and I even accomplished more than one thing on my walk by depositing checks at the bank. I’m a fucking Renaissance Woman! There should be a statue of me.

I headed down to Montrose Harbor and sat down on one of the benches overlooking all the sailboats. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I wrote out all my thank you cards and then dove into Twilight and barely came up for air. (Yes I caved and finally started reading a kid’s book. IT IS SO GOOD! WOO!)

After a few hours, with the contents of my entire 32-ounce bottle of water in my belly, I decided it was time to get home. (To pee.) It was around 5 and I needed to eat something. (And pee.) Because I forgot to pack a snack so I was starting to get cranky and light-headed because I needed food.

I decided to stop at the grocery store on the way home, since I walked right past it and I needed a few things to eat in my house. All healthy! Because I worked out today!

But after the stop at the grocery store, which was just blocks from the beach, my journey started to take a turn for the worse. The sun was really beating down on me on the way home. Right in my eyes! My bladder was full and my stomach was empty. I was getting woozy from the lack of food in my stomach and really wished I had saved some of that water for the walk home. So hot and dehydrated. As I wiped the beaded sweat off my brow, I realized it wasn’t sweat at all. It was crystals of salt. Because one time I read that it sometimes happens to marathoners. And let me tell you, this was a journey.

As I approached Clark Street, I saw a beacon of hope. I was sure it was a mirage and Wile E. Coyote was going to jump out of that oasis of a strip mall complete with a palm tree, small lake and a Baskin Robbins. Because nothing would help me on my long journey more than some ice cream. It would give me that push to make it home. Those six blocks home.

I crawled closer to my imaginary oasis of a strip mall and realized that no, my eyes were not playing tricks on me. That was indeed a strip mall. With a 7-11! And a Baskin Robbins! Slurpees and ice cream! Hoorah!

But no, I told myself. I must press on. Those sugary treats will do nothing but fill you up on empty calories and your nearly four-mile walk will have all been for nothing. NOTHING! So I pressed on.

As I made it closer to Ashland, I realized that it was rush hour and there should be a bus coming soon. People need to get home from their jobs. And sweaty, out-of-shape lazy people also need to get home. Preferably without pulling something. A mode of transportation that involved sitting was just what the doctor ordered. I looked and there were no buses around. There was nothing for miles around, except cars and houses and a liquor store. It is the North Side of Chicago and all.

Finally I approached my house. Wheezing with every step. Yearning for just one drop of water just like people crossing the desert. I debated about stealing food off a stranger’s plate at an outdoor cafe because I was just so hungry.

I turned the corner on my block. As I paused to reminisce about my long journey where I almost died, I turned to look back, not at all fondly, at the terrain I covered and saw the Montrose bus whiz past me. As it passed, I shook my fist in the air and cursed the bus Gods for not helping me out.

When I finally made it into my apartment, crawling up those three flights of stairs, I ate a string cheese, took a nap and pondered the meaning of today’s adventure, looking for a Sophia Petrillo-like moral of the story. Clearly, I’m destined to be employed, behind a desk and lazy for the rest of my days.

And that fits me like a glove.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Unemployment Line | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 22, 2008

Today I had a finalist interview for a job. I’m pretty sure it is the last interview for this particular position. Today’s portion included meeting the rest of the department and a writing test. I think it went well.

See, I’m actually kind of excited about this job. A lot of the work is very similar to the job I had with the Niners, doing media relations and also working with publications. I know I can do this job. And I know I could do it well. And everyone I’ve met seems to be cool and fun people to work with and for.

I did well in the interview part of it today. I charmed them and was funny and my normal fabulous self. So as long as they are looking for a girl who stammers when she talks, but is quick with the wit, the job is mine. My only real mistake was mentioning I’m a procrastinator when I was talking about how I like deadlines. I put things off because I like the pressure. And there are so many other better ways to say this then letting them know I am procrastinator. But I am stupid. But funny!

Then there was the question about where I had to talk about my website writing experience. And I immediately was like “if this guy calls me Kristabella, I am out the door!” So I talked about my writing for the 49ers website and my ability to know some HTML code. Which is a lie. I can add a hyperlink and make things bold. </knowledge> And I know that’s only funny to people who know HTML code.

For the writing test, I basically had to write a press release. Old hat for me. I have written hundreds of them. But I don’t think I’ve ever freaked out and analyzed a press release more than this one. I made up a quote, but was it an acceptable quote? Did I point out the right information? Should I not have added that date in the second line at the last minute? Oh my God, I totally shouldn’t have added that date at the last minute! I am so not getting this job! Woe. Is. Me.

And then there are the thank you emails. I sent them later in the evening. I meant to send them when I got home, but lost track of time because I had important things to do like fall asleep on the couch. Because apparently sleeping until 11 and going out of the house for three hours is fucking exhausting. So I planned on typing up the emails and sending them first thing in the morning. Even thanked them for taking the time out of their day YESTERDAY. And then I hit send instead of save. BECAUSE THEY BOTH START WITH S!

So now I’m panicking that I’m not going to get a job because I put a date in the second line of a press release. Or because I sent thank you emails at 10 PM and do I even HAVE A LIFE? Who wants to hire some funny, witty girl who sends emails at 10 PM. The Daily Show is on then!

Do you know why I’m freaking out about all this? Because the last job interview, the financial writing job that I didn’t get, has fucked with my head. Because I nailed the interviews and I thought I did OK on the writing test and I still didn’t get the job.

Which just means now I freak the fuck out over everything and analyze every little detail. Which makes me so tired I have to take a nap. Rough life right here, let me tell you.

Category: Job Search | 36 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 21, 2008

I really have nothing to write about. I’ve spent most of today on the couch or in the bathroom with some sort of stomach bug. It woke me up early Sunday morning, seemingly with some sort of fever because all of a sudden I was freezing my ass off in my bed looking for a sweatshirt and sweatpants like all of a sudden I was Rip Van Winkle and I just slept until December and a cold front just came in that included ice and snow. I would have gotten out of bed to get more covers or take some Advil, but I was JUST. SO. COLD.

And as quickly as the shivering and teeth chattering came, I was then sweating my ass off like I was having a hot flash like a middle-aged woman would be having. And then really, I just tossed and turned the rest of the morning before finally moving to the couch to watch TV and toss and turn.

In other weekend news, I watched the movie Prime on Friday night. It is the one where Uma Thurman is dating some young hottie and describing it in vivid details to her therapist, Meryl Streep, who just happens to be the young man’s mother. Have any of you seen it? Can you please tell me what that ending was? That was the worst ending in history. I watch chick flicks for HAPPY ENDINGS!

In other television-watching news, I decided to watch The Biggest Loser. Everyone watches it and I hate to be left out. I remembered why I never watched it in the first place – people should not be punished for wanting to lose weight and not losing enough! I felt so bad for those people feeling bad that they didn’t lose enough, when they lost like 10 pounds in a week!

I am happy to know that the booted teams go home and keep up the working out and eating well and losing weight. That makes me a little happier. As I watch the show eating a tub of ice cream and scarfing down a bag of potato chips.

This week is ABC’s National Stay At Home Week. Supposedly to “save energy” by staying home and watching TV. I would like to meet these ABC executives and introduce them to my National Stay At Home Week. It lasts all year long. I call it National Sloth Week.

Finally, I got the very best spam comment today. It was on this post. A post with photos of my adorable niece and nephew. The comment is from “landlord home insurance” and this person wants to tell me:

Not bad at all, but this topic is rather little of interest. Please do not disappoint your readership.

Dear Landlord Home Insurance,

Thank you for your insightful comment. Clearly you are a douchebag robot and if I’m disappointing you, then I’m doing something right.

Thanks!

Kristabella

P.S. Thanks for reading my archives!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Land of Random | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 19, 2008

Because I’m always willing to whore myself out, clearly. This is two in one week!

Go read here. Melissa at Hope Floats asked me to help her out, since she’s enjoying the sand and sun in Cancun and I am JEALOUS.

I’m cross-posting it here because I know how lazy you all are about clicking over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always feel the need to go into a long introduction when I’m writing a guest blog post. Because I can’t be totally self-involved and assume that everyone knows who I am. I mean, everyone should know who I am, but I’m still working on that. Plus, people reading here, not on my site, want to know who the hell this person is who is guest posting. 

Well, I’m Kristabella and I write here. And I live in Chicago, am single, have two cats and like to drink copious amounts of booze. And then make myself feel smart by using words like copious in a guest blog. 

Anyway, when Melissa asked me to write up a guest post, I went though a lot of topics to blog about. That list consisted of ZERO options. Because I never know what to write about and all I’m talking about on my site these days is all about how I’m unemployed and I cry a lot. (It’s good stuff! Come check it out!) 

So I figured what could be better than sharing a very embarrassing story with all you lovely readers? Nothing, I say. NOTHING! 

Did you guys used to read YM when you were younger? I did. I didn’t have a subscription because I was poor, but sometimes my mom would buy us a copy at the grocery store if we annoyed her enough and if we promised to help her put the groceries away. 

I’m not sure why I ever read that magazine. I was a total tomboy. I never wore makeup or blow dried my hair or went to prom or homecoming. (Yes, I was a loser.) 

Wait, actually I do know why I read it. For that one page in the front of the magazine, just a few pages after the Table of Contents. Say Anything. The page that was full of embarrassing stories from other teens. Things that are only embarrassing to teens and tweens. You know, the ones where girls talk about getting caught making out with their boyfriends or their tampon string hanging out of their bathing suits at the beach in front of her crush? Oh, how embarrassing! 

My favorites were the ones that you knew could happen. The ones where it was some girl’s time of the month and she had a leak! Oh, the humanity! Don’t every wear white pants during your time! Always have back-up protection, like a sweater to tie around your waist! I mean, that was (and is) a very real possibility for chicks! I could feel their embarrassment through the page! 

I’m here to tell you I had my own “Say Anything” moment. A year ago. Note, I’m in my 30s. 

I was at work last August during a sales conference. Aunt Flow was in town and I knew it and was prepared. But it was a busy day and I was in charge of all the logistics. We had a morning session at the office, lunch and then tours all afternoon. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything in order. On top of it, I was hungover, didn’t drink enough water during the morning so I was dehydrated. (Do you see where this is going?) 

So after lunch, we leave for the tours. The whole time I’m thinking it is about time to shove some more cotton up my cooch. But there isn’t a bathroom close and we are on a strict schedule. I figure I’m OK since I’ve already got a tampon in and it hasn’t been that long. Oh boy, was I mistaken. 

After the tours, we head back to the office. I head to the bathroom to take care of business and I see that not only did I bleed right though the tampon, I went right through MY PANTS! And not like a little drop, I’m talking a “spot” the size of Lake Superior! Thankfully it all stayed in the crotch area and didn’t leak to my ass otherwise I would have been HORRIFIED! (Who am I kidding, I AM STILL HORRIFIED!) 

At this point the sales reps had headed back to the hotel. And thankfully, I had a jacket that I promptly tied around my waist and high-tailed it out of there to go THROW MY PANTS AWAY! 

I’m still not sure if anyone noticed. And if they did, they didn’t tell me. They just pointed and laughed at me behind my back. And I lost all credibility. Maybe it is a good thing I don’t work there anymore. 

So 15 years after reading, and laughing, at all those idiot teenagers in YM’s Say Anything, karma bitch-slapped me in the face and showed me exactly what embarrassing is.

Category: All Things Blogging | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 17, 2008

I don’t have much going on in my life, so I figured I would just write a post in bullets. Because bullets are pretty! Who doesn’t love bullets? Not any of you. That’s for sure.

Dentist/Tooth update –

• First, thank all of you for your advice and suggestions from this post! I really appreciate it. I felt like such an immature ass for walking out like that, but I was so livid. And I’m happy to know that you all felt I was justified in my over-the-top reaction.
• I called the old dentist today to get my old files, we’ll see how that turns out. She said she’s going to put it in the mail.
• I’m pretty sure I’m going to be like Elaine from Seinfeld and end up at a cat dentist because no human dentist in the city will see me because of what is written in my file.
• On second thought, maybe I don’t need those files.
• I need to call a new dentist. Thanks to all of you for recommending dentists. I’m taking it all into consideration. ANYONE is better than this one.
• Also, I plan on reporting this office and Bitchy Dr. Chen to the state boards and the American Dental Society and the Better Business Bureau. And I plan to write bad reviews anywhere I can, including 1-800-DENTIST, which is how I found them.
• As for legal action, I’m not sure there is any. Like other people mentioned, with teeth, it isn’t very black and white. Just because what she saw two months ago was a bad cavity doesn’t mean that she just didn’t know it needed a root canal. In all my years (and millions of dollars spent) at the dentist’s office, I do know that everyone is different and some times you just don’t know how bad the decay is and how it will affect the tooth.
• But she’s still a fucking bitch and I should have drilled her in the eyeballs. Or taken an X-Ray of her uterus without the metal shield! For problems in the FUTURE!

Job Update –

• I still don’t have one.
• I haven’t been looking online for any.
• I’m kind of getting used to this unemployed life.
• BUT!
• I have another interview at a place on Monday. This is the same place I interviewed at last week. This should be the final one, so I’m hoping to nail it.
• Do you remember that Washington Mutual commercial from a few years ago where that guy shows up late to work and was all “I just had a job interview. NAILED IT!”? Just me then?
• There is a writing test involved. I’m more excited for this writing test because I’m more familiar with the subject. And even better, it is an afternoon interview. Which is when I’m a better writer and more creative. It is why I write all my blog posts at night.
• So cross your fingers!

Misc. –

• My stepmom called and has an extra ticket to the Cubs game tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll be drinking at Wrigley! I love unemployment!
• I have not been online a lot lately because I was busy being the best granddaughter ever on Tuesday. I took my Gram out on errands and we got a new vacuum for her, some groceries and then I took her for a haircut. When we got home, I put her new smoke alarm in and put together her new vacuum. I RULE!
• And it was all worth it because I got a home-cooked Grandma meal for dinner.
• I’m totally going back next week!
• I’m not sure I’ll ever understand Facebook. I mean I have a blog, I have Twitter and I have Flickr. What exactly is the reason I need Facebook for?
• Well, it was nice having all those people wish me happy birthday, but I mean, why do I need flair and mythical happy hours and imaginary drinks? You can just buy me REAL BOOZE.
• But totally friend me and join my blog network. OK? Thanks.

Category: Dental DAMN, Job Search, Land of Random | 23 Comments »
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