Why I Shouldn’t Ever Drink Shots
By Kristabella | January 4, 2009
Alternate title: One of the Many, Many Reasons I Would Be a Bad Rock of Love Contestant.
Before I get into the real point of this post, I just had to share that my cat is licking the glue off an envelope right now. He’s been doing it all day. Where the fuck was that kind of help when I was mailing 140 Christmas cards?
Anyway, back before New Year’s Eve, I got a bug up my butt and really wanted to go out. I’m not a big fan of New Year’s because it is usually a big let down because you pay a lot of money and you can’t get to the bar and you’re not as drunk as you should be for forking over all that cash. But for some reason, I was itching to go out this year.
Thankfully, that bug was gone shortly thereafter. I shat him out in the toilet or something. So I ended up spending New Year’s at home with my friend Michelle, my friend wine and a lot of yummy food. We had a great night and it was much better than going out. Plus, Michelle brought her dog over, which freaked the fuck out of my cats. They hid all night, away from the dog, and it was nice not to have them around for once.
So instead of going out on December 31st, I decided that Saturday night would be a good night to go out. It would be cheaper (in theory) and we would still have a kick ass time. I went out with my friend Schwerer to her favorite place in the whole world, Howl at the Moon. Her mom recently passed away and I think she needed a girl’s night out filled with drunken debauchery. I was happy to help.
Since I didn’t go out on Wednesday night, I decided that the dress I was going to wear out if I had gone out was to be worn to Howl. Which is funny because Howl is not a dressy place. But I didn’t care! The ladies of The Working Closet are rubbing off on me. And turning me into a proper lady. It’s like Flickr Charm School!
I needed to get dressed up to match my sexy bangs! (It’s hard to tell in that photo because the light in my house sucks, but the dress is a darker purple.)
We had a really good time out. We danced and sung and acted like drunk fools. Normally I get pretty drunk while I’m there, but only on beer so I’m in control. I have done stupid things there like give my number to the bartender, but who hasn’t done that?
But last night the dude at the table next to us bought us three rounds of shots (or it might have been four. I lost count.) So that coupled with the endless buckets of beer, and Drunkabella was out in full force!
(That same dude actually grabbed my boobs and my friend’s boobs multiple times. He got me by catching me off guard when I was coming up from the bathroom and he was leaving. He got a two-handed grab and wouldn’t let go. Good thing I was drunk. Oh who am I kidding? Who doesn’t like a random boob grab?)
The thing about Howl at the Moon is that my inner band geek/groupie comes out. Because about four beers in I’m always like “I LOVE MUSICANS! Want to date piano player!” And then that’s all I talk about the whole night because OMG! Did he just look right at me?
For some reason I was feeling extra ballsy last night. After my friend handed said piano player my phone number on a song request sheet, I went up and talked to said piano player after he was taking a break and apologized for my friend doing it. He was all happy and cute and was like “no need to apologize.” Then I saw him a few times after that on my way to and from the bathroom. Because if I didn’t mention it, I drank A LOT. And he looked at me and SMILED! Swoon! Maybe that bitch in that stupid book was right! I had him at hello!
So at the end of the night, he was at the bar and I went up and bought him a drink. It was a shot of Jager. Which would explain the major hangover I had today. (I was going to say this morning, but let’s be honest, after a certain age, the hangovers, they last all day.) I tried talking to him and was in this awkward spot at the corner of the bar by the waitress area and he basically didn’t talk to me at all. He was pretty much kind of a douche. Thankfully I was too drunk to be offended.
I did end up talking to one of the other piano players who was a nice guy and answered all my burning questions like “don’t you ever get sick of playing the same songs over and over?” and “what happens if you don’t know a song?” and “how do you know all of those songs??” If he hadn’t been married, I would have given him a sloppy, drunken kiss.
I hardly ever go up to guys in bars. It usually ends up the same way, where I put myself out there and get SHUT DOWN. But I’m glad that I did it. I mean, how else would I have known he was such a douche? And I know back a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been that ballsy, even with all the added liquid courage.
So it was his loss for turning me down. In that dress! IDIOT!
Also, I will not be drinking like that in quite some time. Even watching the skanks on Rock of Love do shots made me nauseous.
Topics: Hooch Hilarity, Spinsterville Here I Come | 38 Comments »
Where I Am Supposed To Reflect On 2008
By Kristabella | December 31, 2008
Ah, the eve of the new year. A time to reflect on the previous 364 (or 365 in the case of a leap year) days and either look back fondly or wish for the new year to come even faster.
Around the blogosphere, most bloggers talk about the year they had, mention their favorite posts from the year and celebrate the dawn of yet another year. I’ve done it too, here and here. (And clearly overuse the phrase wax poetically.) This year I was going to highlight some of my favorite posts. But since I just decided that this afternoon, it was not enough time to read a whole year of posts. I just tried. I couldn’t get through January. I was laughing too hard. I am one funny bitch, yo.
Obviously, 2008 wasn’t the best year for me. I was laid off. Again. Just like 2007. And 2005. But it has ended on a good note. I have a job. I got an iPhone. I cleaned my apartment for the first time in MONTHS. My car is unstuck. It’s a time to CELEBRATE!
It hasn’t been all bad. Here a few highlights from my 2008:
- I hung out with quite a few authors. And they still talk to me and don’t pretend not to know me when I see them in person. Yay!
- DINAO started on this here blog and was a rousing success! I plan to continue it into 2009 because there are ample amounts of disgusting people out there that no one wants to sleep with.
- Bacon had an exciting year and went on a World Tour and met quite a few adoring fans. He went to Vegas and San Francisco twice. (That Bacon post from San Francisco might be my favorite post of the whole year.) He is even now adorned on a t-shirt. I would venture to say that 2008 was The Year of The Bacon.
- I went to BlogHer and met so many of my favorite people in person. I hit the jackpot with my roommates and I have friends for life in Ali and Slynnro.
- BlogHer was a nerve-wracking experience going into it, knowing there were going to be over 1,000 women in one place and not knowing a soul. But it was hands down one of the greatest experiences of my life.
- That’s even without stealing Cheetos.
- But that made it even better.
- I went to my first Indy Car race and I met Helio Castroneves.
- I turned 31. The most anti-climactic birthday since turning 20.
- Two words: DENTIST DRAMA. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Next year has to be the year of no teeth problems.
- I enjoyed unemployment way too much, still having a hard time months later getting used to waking up before the sun.
- We witnessed one of the most exciting elections in the history of the United States. It was monumental and made me really proud to be an American.
- I fell in love! With EDWARD! SWOON! I will keep you posted on the wedding details. Should be any day now.
- I got BANGS! That I LOVE!
So overall, not a bad year at all. I have plenty to be thankful for and I’m ready to put the bad things behind me and move on to another new year. I’m looking forward to 2009 and look forward to marrying Edward and other exciting things, like possibly becoming a home owner.
Until then, I’m just going to keep listening to the message Rahm Emanuel left for me, trying to find the subliminal message where he invites me to be his personal assistant in Washington. I KNOW IT IS IN THERE, RAHM! WE ARE NEIGHORS! CHI-TOWN UNITE!
I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year and wish all of you the best in 2009! Not to get all sappy, but doing this blogging thing has been such an awesome experience for me because of all of you who come here and read my inane drivel day after day. I hope, at the very least, you got a good laugh, if not many.
Happy New Year, Bitches!
Topics: All Things Blogging | 33 Comments »
Winners!
By Kristabella | December 29, 2008
This week between Christmas and New Year’s should be a National Holiday week. I mean, regardless of your religion and what holiday you celebrate, this is a dead week. Most people are on holiday. Things are slow everywhere. Especially on television, where there are no new shows. Thank God for trashy reality television. There is no hiatus in the Land of Dramaz.
It’s also pretty slow in the blog world. Most people are on vacation or taking a needed break from blogging and spending time with their family. I mean, sometimes that laptop attached to your hip and Twittering from the bathroom can totally get tiring. Sometimes we all need a break.
While I am working this week (every day but Thursday), I am mentally on vacation when it comes to blogging. My creative juices, they are frozen like the snow that held my car hostage for four days. Well, either that or my brain has melted into liquid from all the said trashy reality shows. Nothing a bottle, or seven, of wine can’t fix, right?
So in lieu of a real post, I figured I would announce the winners for the books I have to give away! Because it is the giving season.
The first book I have to giveaway is the one I reviewed. It’s called You Lost Him At Hello. I was quite shocked there were not a lot of takers for a free book. I mean, did my review sway you in any way? Because in case I didn’t make it clear, I HATED that book. I tried to be nice and not call out the author for being a groupie and a game player. And in exchange, I think I sold a little piece of my soul.
So, the winner of that book is Stef! Because she actually wanted it! And she said my bangs were cute! So Stef, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark at gmail dot com and I’ll get that in the mail for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next contest was for Eileen Cook’s new book, What Would Emma Do? I will tell you that I finished the book this weekend and it was good! It was filled will all kinds of teen angst and drama! And it was funny! I hope you all enjoy it!
I would like to say I did this randomly, but I am a sucker for compliments! So I chose who I wanted to. Also, I would hope if you read the book and like it and you have a blog, you’ll spread the word for my friend, the author, Eileen Cook.
Winner the first - Casey! Because she’s a friend of my friends Betsey and Hoddy. And I like to be welcoming to new readers. And I would like her to come back again and again. And also, she’s a school librarian and can spread the word to all sorts of young adults about the book!
Winner the second - R! Because R just had a baby and I’m sure she has loads of time to read! I mean, really, how hard can parenting be? Also, her baby B is just the cutest! And has the most adorable nose!
So if you’re one of the winners, please email me with your mailing address (fullofsnark at gmail dot com) and I’ll get those books out to all of you. Congrats!
Topics: All Things Blogging, Contests | 10 Comments »
A Christmas Recap in Bullet Form
By Kristabella | December 28, 2008
While I do love me some long weekends, it is also not a good thing. Because that many days of sleeping in and napping makes my body think we’re unemployed again. Whereas I would be all “NO! I can’t be unemployed AGAIN!” My body is thinking “WOO FUCKING HOO! NAPS! Glorious, glorious NAPS!”
Needless to say, my brain isn’t working much and I can’t form coherent sentences. So I’m just going to tell you all about the highlights from my long holiday weekend.
- My car is UNSTUCK! FINALLY!
- On Wednesday afternoon, after I got home from work a bit early, I went right to my car to get it out. It was warmer that day and the snow and ice were turning slushy. I figured it was my best shot of getting out. After struggling for a bit, a nice man, A SAINT, came out to help me. He literally pushed me out of my spot. It took us a half hour, but I got out. It was a Christmas miracle!
- I need to bake that man some cookies or something. He has no idea how grateful I was.
- We got a ton of rain this weekend and it was 60 degrees on Saturday. It melted all the snow (yay!) and also flooded all the frozen rivers (boo!). There is very little snow and ice left. I parked in a spot with a little bit of ice (I’m talking like not even that noticeable.) When I went to leave for the grocery store this afternoon, I GOT STUCK! ON THAT LITTLE PATCH OF ICE!
- Thankfully it wasn’t for too long.
- I’m pretty sure Mother Nature hates me.
- Either that, or she’s a dentist.
- My Christmas was good. I got money and gift cards mostly. I also got a new sweater and a cute scarf and some reusable grocery bags. Which I probably was the most excited about!
- It was really loud in my aunt’s house on Christmas. There was too much going on. I was way too overstimulated. And there was nowhere to escape to. Not surprisingly, I had a huge headache when I got home.
- My cousin got snippy with me when I explained to her that to show images back on a digital camera, you have to switch to the mode with the play button. She looked at me like I was speaking gibberish. I had no other way to explain a PLAY BUTTON than yelling PLAY BUTTON louder.
- She got mad because she said I didn’t need to make her feel stupid.
- But who doesn’t know what a play button looks like? It’s the same on a camera or a DVD player or an iPod. IT IS A UNIVERSAL SIGN.
- I went over to my brother’s on Friday to help Noah and Skyler break in all their new toys. Noah got the board game Life from Santa. So my brother, SIL and I played on Friday night.
- True to real life, I lost my job twice in the game of Life as well.
- I suck at Mario Kart. Which pleases my nephew greatly. He’s a really sore winner. Which pisses me off even more than sucking. Because HE’S SIX.
- I noticed this morning that my heat wasn’t working. And since it is radiators and I have four of them, I was thinking it was more of an issue of the apartment complex not turning the heat on, than the radiators being broken.
- Saturday was 60. Sunday was 30. The heat was needed. It’s like against the law or something.
- So I left a passive aggressive message on their machine (since they are on vacation) and said something about their vacation doesn’t mean I don’t get heat. And also, I might have said something about taking money off my rent next month because if I have to shower when it was 50 degrees in my house in WINTER, there was going to be hell to pay.
- I heard the radiators click on a little later. But not since, which means I’m debating wearing mittens inside my house.
- My landlord pays for our heat. Which is all fine and good until they decide not to turn it on. I’d rather be able to control it myself. And also, I pay far too much in rent to have to wear mittens inside.
- And finally, a photo of Skyler from Christmas of her holding up the empty cookie tray in front of her face. I will never stop finding this pee-your-pants funny.
Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
Topics: Holidaze, Land of Random | 17 Comments »
We Wish You A Merry Chrismukkah
By Kristabella | December 24, 2008
For those of you who are new (or newish) here, you have probably been wondering why is it that I send out 140 holiday cards. And not only that I send out that many, but that I complain about it. Because while I am totally awesome, I don’t really think there are that many people out there who even like me. Most days I don’t even like myself, let alone 140 people. But you see, my Christmas cards, well they are stuff of legends. People actually REQUEST to be on the list. And they hope to never be taken off. (I took off like half of the marketing department from my old job because well, I just didn’t like those people.)
See, back in 2003, I ran into Dusty Baker at a 49ers home game (and by run into, I mean stalked and stood nervously in his presence with crazy eyes, waiting for someone, anyone, to take a photo of us together.) After I got my photo with him, I stupidly decided I should make that photo my holiday card. And a tradition was born. (Oh 2003 self. BAD IDEA.)
Click here to see all the past cards. (No, really. They are quite awesome.)
The PRESSURE mounts every year. I feel the need to run into a famous person (or stalk one). I get super stressed starting in September. Because did I mention the PRESSURE? And that 140 people ask me, starting after Labor Day, who will be on my card? It causes some sleepless nights.
But thankfully, someone always comes through. Including this year. Without further ado, the 2008 edition of the KJ Holiday Card Extravaganza.
In case you were wondering, I went extra cheestastic on the text this year.
So to all of you who didn’t receive a hard copy of the card, Helio and I would like to wish you a wonderful holiday season! We hope enjoy celebrating with your friends and family, eat enough to be uncomfortably full and drink enough to embarrass an Irishman (or me).
Oh, and Bacon would like to wish you a Merry Chrismukkah as well! Click here to see his greeting to all of you. And he would like to remind all of you that at any point, if the holiday stress is just too much, remember to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Where B stands for booze. Lots and lots of BOOZE.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Topics: Holidaze | 34 Comments »