Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 21, 2013

For those of you who don’t know, about 2 weeks ago, I went up to Toronto to see her and her family and for one very special occasion. Emily, her oldest, was turning 12 and having her bat mitzvah. I have had the date of the party on my calendar for close to a year. I promised Emily I would be there, so there I was.

I’ve known Ali since 2008. We “met” online and planned to room together at BlogHer in San Francisco that summer. The first time I met her tiny self in real life was at the San Francisco airport in July of that year. My brother thinks it is weird, to this day, that I shared a bed with her in that hotel room for the weekend without ever having met her. Even though I’ve since stayed at her house, her dad’s house and 2 of her mom’s houses multiple times.

I’ve been to her mom’s house in Milwaukee so many times I’ve met almost every one there so I don’t have to explain how I know them. They know it is through the internet. And I no longer have to explain it. Which is nice, since you all know so well, that I hardly ever “blog” anymore.

I met some other family members up in Canada and had to explain everything all over again. But this time it was weird because I don’t write a lot. (And I don’t consider Ali an internet friend. She’s just one of my best friends. The Martells are like family.) But it made me think I should get back into the habit. So I want to write more. But seeing as it took almost 2 weeks to recap this, I’m not sure that is going to happen anytime soon.

I used to get the urge to write in the evenings. Between the hours of 3-5 PM I would have HILARIOUS thoughts and quips. It was my funny time of the day. That was when I would jot down notes for a post and then write it when I got home.

Now I notice that I’m the opposite. I have bright ideas in the shower in the morning. And I could write whole posts about my commute into work, which I’m sure the people of Twitter would appreciate. And earlier in the morning I have GREAT ideas! But it is early in the morning and I’m at work and busy and forget to write these things down. Then I get home and am exhausted and don’t even want to open the laptop.

I need to be better about taking notes and jotting things down so that when I get home in the evenings, I can just sit and write and not have to think about something to write about. I enjoy writing, I just hate the writer’s block that has plagued me for years. It is all Twitter’s fault, at least for me, because I just vent and share on there immediately instead of waiting to blog about it. Which, again, I’m sure is another thing Twitter would appreciate if I stopped doing it.

So that’s the plan. And to reward you for reading this rambling piece of garbage, here is video of me doing the Thriller dance flash mob at Emily’s Bat Mitzvah.

Emily Bat Mitzvah – Thriller flash mob from Gabriel Martell on Vimeo.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, Gotta Have Friends, Travel, Writing | 4 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 4, 2013

Oh, hi. Yeah, I forgot about this site. But I haven’t really had much to write about. I finished Whole 30 and then put back on all the weight because I am back to drinking booze and eating Taco Bell when I’m hungover.

I’m also really busy at work. My boss is out on maternity leave and I’m the acting manager and it has been stressful, to say the least. None of which I can talk about here, but might turn me into an alcoholic by the time she gets back from her leave. So, yay?!?

But then this weekend something happened and it was the perfect thing to spark the blogging part of my brain. So I’m here to share! And pretend like it hasn’t been over a month since I’ve written.

In case you were unaware, my love life is non-existent. I’ve signed up for online dating in the past with no luck. In fact, the only luck I had was making a friend. Which is good, but not really why I paid money.

Towards the end of 2012 I actually had some decent luck. And by that, I mean I went out to this 4 AM bar a lot and well, it’s really easy to give out your number and/or take guys home at 4 AM. Trust me on this.

There was the one guy, who could have his own series of blog posts, who turned out to be a rage-filled douche to me over text on New Year’s Eve. There was the other guy who was a friend of a friend’s friend and he took my number and never called. And then I drunkenly asked him about that on NYE. Then there was the cute 40 year old who had a girlfriend.

So really, I’m much better off single than meeting guys in a bar any time after 2 AM. Or in the case of the 40 year old, 2 PM on a Sunday.

And while I know this, putting it into practice is a whole other ball of wax.

Take last Friday night, for example. Even though we said we wouldn’t end up at the 4 AM bar, that was where we ended up. I ended up talking to some dude and we hit it off. We ended up going back to my place. And that is where this became a story out of the plot of a romantic comedy.

So we get home, I play hostess and get him some water. We make out a bit. I get up to go to the bathroom and shut off the lights. I get back into my room and dude is passed the fuck out on my bed. Like right down the middle. So I wake him up and go to sleep myself. Mostly relieved because it is like 3 AM and I’m hammered.

Dude is a snorer. And I’m not talking like a snorer-when-you’re-drunk kind of snorer. I’m talking like shaking-the-rafters kind of snorer.

I do everything to make him stop – I nudge him, I shove him, I punch him, I plug his nose. Nothing works. Thankfully we got home in the middle of the night, so I shouldn’t have to deal with it too much because it will be morning before we know it and he will get up and go home.

Oh, hahahahaha! Dude slept until 1 PM! In my bed. I got up SEVERAL times to try and be all “OK, time to go!” But he didn’t budge. I tried talking to him to wake him up. He has the personality of a potato, so that didn’t go anywhere. I tried making out with him and he wasn’t even interested in that.

Finally he was like “oh wow, it’s late. I should go.” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

So he takes his sweet fucking time getting dressed. And he only has to put a shirt on! FINALLY, he leaves (without asking for my number, which was fine). I then get on my phone to text my friends because DUDE WOULD NOT LEAVE!

After about an hour or so, I realize I’m hungry and decide to head out to get some food. Driving down Lincoln Avenue, about 3-4 blocks from my house, I hit a red light. As I’m stopped, I see the dude crossing the street! I then proceed to freak the fuck out and then look down, around and every which way so that he DOESN’T see me! Because I’m trapped! At a red light! In my car! With no escape!

At this point he’s crossed to my side of the street. And he’s right near my passenger window. I see him reach his arm up to wave and I’m all “shiiiiiit. I’ve been seen. Now I have to be the decent person who acknowledges it.” So I lift my arm up and wave back.

And then I notice that he isn’t waving at me; he’s HAILING THE CAB that is behind me in traffic!

Then I died from embarrassment and turned at the next corner to get as far away from him as possible.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Spinsterville Here I Come | 6 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 28, 2013

I have now just based all measure of time in the last month based on what day I am on of the Whole 30.

So, it’s the last week! Things are going well. I went through a period after the halfway point where I was wondering when it was going to be worth it. I was exhausted and cranky and it was like the first week all over again. But I stuck with it. And I’m glad. I feel much better. I wouldn’t I say I have Tiger Blood, as they promised, but I’m sleeping great, I have more energy, I don’t have crazy blood sugar swings, I’m never starving and I’m not willing to kick a baby for some Starburst.

The cravings are still there, but super manageable. For instance, on Saturday I was at my mom’s with my sister, Tommy and Maddie. We all went to pick up dinner. My mom had discussed this with me the night before and I said I would just bring my own food. It would be easier that way and I had the food at home. Easy peasy.

They went to Portillo’s. I LOVE Portillos. They have the best Italian beef. And amazing cheese fries. And hot dogs. And well, an entire menu of delicious things I can’t have. I went along for the ride. We did the drive-thru, so thankfully I didn’t have to sit and watch them eat. We brought it home and I had my salad and chicken sausages.

But, on the ride from the restaurant to my mom’s, I had to ride with 2 bags of food on my lap. French fries and tamales just INCHES from my face hole. That? Was hard. Once we got back to the house and I wasn’t trapped in a car with it, I was fine. I even sat at the table and watched them eat. And to me, that might be one of the biggest victories of this whole thing. Did I want a cheese fry? Sure. But not like I HAD to have it. My food was good too.

The emails say people get scared about the Whole 30 ending. I have never understood that. I mean, shouldn’t you be all “I AM FREE! I CAN EAT WHATEVER!” But actually, as we close in on it, I am a little nervous/scared. I’ve done really well and I don’t want to undo it all. I also really enjoy my hangover-free weekends to get shit done. Not enough to give up drinking for good, but I’m worried about how I will be on Saturday after a glass of wine. (Besides hammered.) Will I go overboard and regret it? Will it lead to a day full of bad meal choices the next day when I’m hungover? Will I be able to practice self-control?

So far my Day 31 plan consists of a grande whole milk latte from Starbucks in the morning, a vanilla Oberweis milkshake for lunch and a night out drinking. I’m introducing only dairy first (well, and sugar and alcohol, but still no beans, grains or carbs).

We shall see how it goes.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Healthy Living, Mmmm Food | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 17, 2013

So today marked Day 15 on Whole 30. I am halfway done and everything from here on out will be smooth sailing! All downhill! Easy peasy!

Hahahahaha!

I know this will not be the case. Because while I’ve made it 15 days, I also know that it has been both hard and easy (and the longest 15 days ever) and that I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to slaying my Sugar Dragon.

This is not easy. Not that I thought it would be, but I really didn’t realize how much I give in to cravings and how much I reward myself with food. Why? I mean, isn’t a new sweater a better reward than a bag of Skittles? (Sometimes. I would kick a dog for some Skittles right now.)

I feel great. They aren’t lying about that. I’m only putting natural things into my body, whole foods, if you will, and it makes me feel really good. I have plenty of energy. I don’t get so tired at 3 PM that I want to fall asleep under my desk. I really probably don’t even need the caffeine that is in my tea in the mornings. In fact, I went all weekend without it and was just fine.

I sleep like the dead. No lie. This is probably good for me, but probably not good for the off chance a potential burglar storms in. I mean, I wake up in a pile of drool, I sleep so soundly. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night at all. Well, I had been, to take my antibiotic, but I had to set my alarm for that and it woke me out of a dead sleep every time.

I no longer get the crazy blood sugar drops or crazy HANGRY periods. I’m never STARVING. My heartburn is gone. There is something to this whole fat and protein sustaining you for long periods of time thing.

But, it has been hard work. Not one day goes by where I don’t want to cheat with something I’m not supposed to have. But then I remember it is ONLY 30 days and I can do this. I’ve done it for 15, I can do it for 15 more. (RIGHT??!!??)

The first week was rough. I’m glad I had done Paleo eating before, otherwise I think it would have been more difficult. But my body at least had some recollection of this kind of diet. But I had never done a major sugar restriction (i.e. NO SUGAR AT ALL) or cut out dairy 100%. Grains? I can do without grains. If I can eat a can of olives and steak, I can usually do without grains.

I can even go without cheese. Which is not something I never thought I would say, ever, in my life. I mean, not forever, but I don’t need it ALL THE TIME, like I once thought.

But I’m having issues with dairy when it comes to milk and cream. Specifically when it comes to coffee. Black coffee is gross. So I switched to tea for this. I thought I would be fine, since I love my loose tea. Know what? ALL THOSE TEAS HAVE ADDED SUGAR! They don’t tell you! No wonder why they are so amazing! Plain, unsweetened tea is kind of gross. I don’t care if it is a fruity flavor or a chai. It all sucks. Sugar is where it is AT.

So yeah, I miss coffee. I want a latte or a large cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, heavy on the cream.

And then there is my old pal alcohol. This is officially the longest stretch I’ve gone without alcohol that I can remember. When I had c diff, the meds said I couldn’t drink for 14 days, but I drank on Day 15. So this 30 day stretch will surpass that by a lot.

Now, surprising to everyone who knows me, the no alcohol hasn’t been so hard. It probably falls to number three on the list, behind milk/cream and sugar. I’ve been out to bars drinking nothing but club soda. And it is fine. People-watching is the best! And? No hangover! Plus I spend a lot less money, which is also a plus.

But don’t fret, Day 31 is February 2 and I already have plans to go out drinking. And with 30 days sober, it will probably only take me one drink to get hammered! I’m a cheap drunk!

Other than that, it is just a lot of meal planning and prepping and cooking. I ache for convenience sometimes. It would be so nice to just pick up a Lean Cuisine and call it a day. But, that is part of the process. Hopefully after 30 days it won’t seem like so much work (doubtful). Another way the no booze thing helps is I’m not hungover and I can go to the grocery store first thing in the morning on weekends and spend the day cooking instead of curled up in bed with Taco Bell.

So far, I’m really glad I’ve done this. I feel good. I’m learning my huge issues with food. I have more energy and am feeling quite proud of myself. I knew it would be hard. But I am proud I have stuck with it. I have yet to let my Sugar Dragon make excuses for me to give up. Because I’ve read the book, I know the protocol. Your body needs 30 days clean. Not 30 days with a little cream in my coffee, or one small piece of candy. Your body needs to go without it for a length of time (not 10 days) to make you realize how much you DEPEND on it for non-essential reasons.

Here is to 15 more days. I hope they are a lot easier and I stop picturing people like giant Swedish Fish on the train.

I know a few of you wanted me to write about, so hit me up with any questions! I’m also happy to share my meals for the week, if that is something anyone is interested in.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Healthy Living, Mmmm Food | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 10, 2013

Sometimes I look at my life and think “this stuff only happens to me.” I mean, I’ve had some weird shit happen in my life. And last night was no different.

I will preface this by telling you all I’m just fine.

A big part of Whole 30 is meal planning and prep. Since anything pre-made is processed and full of junk (and SUGAR!), you can’t pick something up on the go. The only on the go thing that works is a hardboiled egg or a handful of nuts. So I spend a lot of my time cooking and prepping for the week.

This week was no different. The only difference was my degree of laziness. I had bought sweet potatoes to make sweet potato fries to go with my carne asada. I bought these on Sunday. I didn’t actually get around to peeling or slicing them until Wednesday night.

That was my first mistake.

I had already finished dinner, sans sweet potatoes, but I decided in a stroke of genius to peel and cut the potato for Thursday’s dinner! SO SMART! So I went about this and thought “I’m going to use my new mandoline to make this easier!”

That was my second, and probably final, mistake. But it was a doozy.

This mandoline is new. It has the safety handle thing so you don’t chop your fingers off. I’ve always, always, always been afraid of mandolines and their SHARP, SHARP blades. Having that holder/handle thing was the only way I would use it. And I have, with no incidents.

Until last night.

I used the handle thing on the potato, until it was too small and not working so well. This is when I decided to use my hand, thinking “I’m smart enough not to slice my finger! I’m not an idiot!”

Hahahahahahaha.

I sliced off a chickpea sized chunk of the top of my right index finger. A rather large chunk, as far as those things go. In fact, the doctor said I came within about a millimeter of clipping the bone, which would have caused a lot more problems, so WHEW!

Here is problem number one with living by yourself – when you’re bleeding profusely and running around the house in circles, there is no one there to help. I literally had no idea what to do. The only thing I knew was that I HAD to go to the emergency room. A band aid wasn’t going to cut it.

First thing I did was I called the Urgent Care on the corner to see if they were open. They weren’t and told me to go to the ER. Then I panicked because where the fuck was the closest hospital? And how was I going to get there? You can’t call an ambulance for this, right? Also, I’m not paying an ambulance charge!

Then I called a friend of mine. Her phone rang twice and I was like “what the hell am I going to say? It will take her longer to get here than if I were driving myself to the hospital!” So I hung up.

(I had remembered about the hospital close to my house. Bonus! It’s the hospital I was born at, no shit!)

At this point the oven timer went off.

OH, RIGHT! I’M BAKING A FRITATTA!

I turned off the oven, left it in there. Then I realized I was wearing Santa Claus pajama pants and no bra. So SOMEHOW, without the use of one finger, an important finger, I might add, I got on some yoga pants and a bra. I drew the line at socks and just slipped on some shoes, grabbed my purse and drove down the street.

Everything after that was pretty uneventful. The ER was not packed, at all, THANK GOD. I was fast tracked and brought back pretty quickly. Which was good because the blood, OMG SO MUCH BLOOD.

(Side note, the triage nurse asked about my medications. I told her I was on Prozac. And she said “what’s that?” And I just looked at her and was like “an anti-depressant.” And she looked at me and then my finger and was like “oh, you’re depressed?” YES, AND I TRIED TO OFF MYSELF BY CHOPPING OFF THE TIPPY TOP OF MY FINGER! FAIL!) (That was the first time in a really long time I was embarrassed about being on anti-depressants. At a hospital. Talking to a nurse. Yeesh!)

The doctor checked it out. Realized it was a gusher and that I probably hit a blood vessel or two and I would need stitches. This meant numbing me up, so yay! Pain, pain go away!

She numbs my finger up, making it look like a sausage with all the liquid she pumped in there and the pain started to subside. So she got all ready to stitch me up. She put the needle in and I jumped 10 feet in the air because while the base of my finger was feeling good, the tip, the exposed nerve part, was not numb! She tried at a different spot with the same result, yet this time she had to put the stitch in so, yeah, feeling a stitch go through skin? Not fun.

She finally put the numbing shit right on the tip of my finger, shooting a needle UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAIL TO NUMB IT ALL! OH SWEET JESUS!

Sorry, I just fainted remembering this. I actually think I blocked it out.

Then it was all fine. All stitched up and still gushing blood. So they put something on it to help with the clotting and then it stopped. I was whisked away for X-Rays, to make sure I didn’t hit the bone. I came very close, but was fine. So I left with a prescription for antibiotics and a note to call a hand specialist to make an appointment with him.

Oh yes, because I will probably need a skin graft. I’ll find out more next week. *HEADDESK*

And there was this:

So that was my Wednesday night. Now I have to walk around with my finger looking like a giant tampon. But at least I still have a finger. And know mildly how I act in crisis mode. Oh, and where the closest hospital is.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Medical Mishaps, Spinsterville Here I Come | 11 Comments »
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