Where’s The Day Celebrating Childless Spinsters?
By Kristabella | May 11, 2008
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. And as my sister told me, I am allowed to celebrate today because I’m a mother. A mother fucker.
(I know you’re all scratching your heads wondering how we could even be related.)
In return I broke the plate I was washing and went to STAB her in the eye with the pointy piece of plate in my hand. Until she reminded me she brought the American Idol Karaoke game for the Wii. And all was forgiven as I sang out my anger on a lovely rendition of “Come Sail Away” by Styx.
We also had ribs for dinner, which was a great way to stuff my childless, spinster face. And celebrate the moms all at the same time. Nothing says “Thanks Mom!” like a full slab of ribs and a baked potato.
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In other news, I wanted to let everyone know that my five-mile walk for the American Cancer Society is next Sunday! And I’m still $130 away from my goal. So I’m now resorting to BEGGING to get me to my goal. Because the $1,000 milestone is a lovely cooler as a prize, which I will be raffling off to all of my blog readers that donate! (Read original begging here.)
So do you see that lovely, cute button over there on my right-hand sidebar? Click there and donate! It can be $5 or $10 or whatever you want to give to such a great charity like the American Cancer Society!
Thanks to all the lovely people that have donated! I am AMAZED by all your generosity! I’m so excited to walk my ass off for your donations. I’m planning to plan hilarious photos along the walk to share with you next week. Possibly after an Irish Coffee or two.
So if you can, please help me and click here or on the button on the right to help me get to my goal and help kick cancer in the balls!
Plus, you might also win a cooler! A cooler that will hold beer or other refreshing adult beverages.
Topics: All Things Blogging, Charity | 2 Comments »
Dirty Girl Scout
By Kristabella | May 8, 2008
So, remember that one time, like I don’t know, weeks ago? When I mentioned that I may quite possibly be a little tired? You may not remember that one time because it’s not like I’ve gone on and on about the EXHAUSTION because who would do that? Not me, that’s for sure. Because I’m awesome like that.
Today I not only contemplated going to bed at 6 PM, I also thought a dumpster in an alley in downtown Chicago would be a comfortable place to take a long six-hour nap. Because I was that tired. Because apparently walking around the city the whole day, totally does not make the exhaustion any better. At all.
I also went to the doctor today. She took some blood. And asked me “well, what happens if the tests come back fine and you’re still tired? Let’s talk about that. Because then you’re just going to be tired and I’m going to have to write you a prescription for naps in the middle of the day.”
I should get the results back in a day or two and I am hoping for this to be fixed soon. Or to get those naps in. My doctor SAID!
But I did have an awesome time with my friend Lori, who was in town. We hung out on Wednesday night and then spent all day today pal-ing around the city. And then I had popcorn for dinner. Not just any popcorn. Garrett’s popcorn. Which I would give my left nipple for.
Last night we went out for dinner, had a few drinks and then went to Rockit, which has some of the world’s best martinis. Like, in the WORLD. (That link plays music, so don’t click it if you’re annoyed easily like an overtired, snarky blogger. Because it will irritate you.) They have one called Dirty Girl Scout, which I didn’t want to order based on principle because Girl Scouts are good people and they are serving our community and wearing ugly uniforms all whilst learning to tie knots and build fires with a rock and a piece of string. Let’s not disrespect the Girl Scouts.
But then I TRIED the Dirty Girl Scout. And disrespect away, bitches, because that shit is the TASTIEST thing I’ve ever had in my life. And if my cholesterol comes back high, I’m totally blaming it on this drink. Because fuck the doctor and that whole “not eating or drinking after midnight” shit. DIRTY GIRL SCOUT. Enough. Said.
We met a nice dude from San Antonio, who Lori and I were totally all “we want to go to San Antonio. Give us your card! You can totally show us around when we come.” It’s nice to know that blurting out insane things isn’t just limited to me. And it probably explains a whole hell of a lot about why we’re such good friends.
We told San Antonio about the Dirty Girl Scout and all its girly fabulousness. And I, being, well, me, was all “it’s SO good. Want to taste?” And then I let a STRANGE MAN take a sip from my glass. Which I guess is weird, but seeing as I would have not minded to have this STRANGE MAN stick his tongue in my mouth, it seemed oh so harmless in my backwards-ass brain.
After three martinis (after a few mixed drinks with dinner) we went over to Howl at the Moon. Because I make everyone I know LOVE this place. And we had a good time. I switched to drinking beer because you know what? It has no cholesterol and it’s like water, so shut the fuck up doctor with your cholesterol tests that I don’t need because I’m JUST TIRED.
There is a nursing conference in town and they were all at Howl at the Moon. And they were ALL dancing on the stage. Even the male nurses. Including one very seemingly gay nurse. Who was shaking his ass like his nursing job depended on it. And then we decided we (by we, I mean me) that nurse would become code word for a gay person. And then you could yell out NURSE! And make yourself hyperventilate from the fit of giggles.
It was pretty funny after three Dirty Girl Scouts, let me tell you!
Then during “Pour Some Sugar on Me” the piano guys were singing “Pour Some Sucrose on Me” for the nurses and the NURSES. Again, funny after thin mints in a glass.
Today we just hung out downtown, went to Millennium Park because people love The Bean (as do I).
Oooooh, shiny steel!
And we had lunch with my mom because Lori has actually never met my mom. And then we both got really tired and went to this awesome tea shop to rest our weary bones and then it was time for Lori to leave. But it was a fantabulous time with her and I’m really excited to help her celebrate her 30th in a few weeks in San Francisco! Because really, we can make watching paint dry on a two-by-four in a tornado fun.
Topics: A Day in the Life of Me, Gotta Have Friends, Hooch Hilarity | 26 Comments »
And The Winnah Is…
By Kristabella | May 6, 2008
First off, I have to tell all of you that there was like a thousand people at Jen Lancaster’s book signing tonight. Including someone I work with. Who it took me about 15 minutes before I blurted out “I’m in Chapter 15!”
Apparently I’m like a predictor of trends because last year I thought it would be PACKED at Jen’s signing so I got there way early. Only to not have the chairs even set up. This year we get there BEFORE 6:30 (which is more than an hour before she even arrived in the building) and there were only a few seats left! It was standing room only and people were lined up throughout the stacks of books. It was insane. In the membrane.
Second, I need to tell you that being in a room full of that many Jen Lancaster fans and having the author point to you and yell “I totally know her!” will never, ever in one million years get old.
It also makes it a lot easier to take up tons of time talking to her while getting five books signed while the masses wait patiently for their turn.
I also turned my friend Lori into a huge Jen Lancaster fan and she can’t wait to read all the books.
Jen was thrown off by the crowd of 10,000 but was just as awesome as always and takes a real, genuine interest in her fans. And she looked so pretty in her new dress. And she totally said OUT LOUD in front of STRANGERS that she totally knows me.
Enough about me and my total awesomeness. On to the winners of the contest!
First, I typed up all the names and put them in a bowl. Like so.
And then Bacon took a gander. And got prepared to pick out the winners.
And the winners are…
Lara and Slynnro! Congratulations! And it was not rigged and Slynnro did not win because she actually has to share a room with me for three whole nights in San Francisco at BlogHer. But when I stumble into the room drunk, I’ll be sure to remind her “remember when I won you that book?”
Email me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com with your addresses so I can mail the books out to you.
Thanks to everyone who entered. I can’t do any more contests because I want everyone to win, especially since I’m so the girl who never wins ANYTHING. And then I asked to you say nice things about me and over 50 of you still didn’t win.
So you are all wonderfully beautiful people. And your ass looks fantastic in those pants.
Topics: Uncategorized | 26 Comments »
Good Times Guaranteed
By Kristabella | May 5, 2008
Do you all have one of those friends that it doesn’t matter what you do, you’ll always have a good time? Friends that could make paint drying a fun activity?
I do. Her name is Lori and she’s coming to Chicago tomorrow! And I couldn’t be more ecstatic! We both used to live in the Bay Area together and have since moved away, her back to Arizona, me to Chicago, and if I had known this fact when I lived in the same area as her, I would have hung out with her every single weekend.
Because now that we’re thousands of miles away, we don’t see each other nearly enough. And that makes me sad because she is one of my very best friends in the whole entire world. And no, I’m not sure when I turned back into a third grader.
She came to town last May and we had a blast. And boy, did I need it. I was still unemployed because stupid-ass Slalom Consulting (I use their name frequently to try and keep me on the front page of Google search results) had given me the boot and I hadn’t yet started at my current job. So I had a lot of free time. And we spent a lot of that time drinking. It was Drunk-A-Palooza!
It doesn’t matter what we do, whether we plan to just go for dinner and end up drinking fantabulous martinis at 3 AM, or if we spend the day napping and watching Rob & Big on MTV because we’re so hung over we can’t move. We ALWAYS have a good time.
So I’m prepared for an awesome mid-week trip with her coming to town. And plenty of alcohol. And lots and lots of laughing.
Look at us! We’re ghosts!
:::
Tomorrow Bacon will pick the winner’s of Jen Lancaster’s book, Such A Pretty Fat! Good luck to all that entered!
Topics: A Day in the Life of Me, Gotta Have Friends | 25 Comments »
Sleep And 17 Million Calories - The Weekend of Champions
By Kristabella | May 4, 2008
This is where I should wax poetically about how my weekend was absolutely fan-flippin-tastic and make sure I regale you with stories about my fabulous life complete with drunken tales and inherent falling.
But instead, I can tell you that I slept for more than half the weekend. Literally. Friday night I notched in 14 hours of sleep, Saturday night I added 10 and Sunday afternoon I took a few naps. Whatever is wrong with me, I really need to get it fixed A-SAP. Good thing I’m heading to the doctor on Thursday to get this all a-figured out.
I did cram in some things in the few short hours I was awake. Those things do NOT involve any kind of washing of dishes or cleaning of any kind. I only did my laundry because I had no clean pants and I may have already worn all 5 pairs of my work pants twice since the last washing. And even sloth has its limits.
I am almost finished with Jen’s new book, Such A Pretty Fat. And yes, I already looked ahead for my name (Chapter 15!) and am actually past it (Chapter 15!) and have read it in context now. It does not disappoint and I’d read a cereal box if she wrote it. Because I love me some cereal.
My friend Schwerer dragged me out of my sleepy stupor to go see a movie and have dinner Saturday night. We saw Baby Mama. It was awesome. I love Tina Fey so much I would have her baby just so she could realize we’re meant to be BFFs and also maybe to lick her face. Just a little.
Since Friday evening, I have consisted on nothing but comfort food, aka artery-clogging, creamy, greasy goodness. It all started when I started having weird cravings at work on Friday. (No. Not pregnant. No, there isn’t even a slightest chance. Yes, I’m sure. I do not have the gestational period of an elephant, as much as my ass resembles said beast.)
Any-hootie, I was craving pot pie. It was a rainy day and I was sleepy. (Hey! Have I mentioned how sleepy I’ve been lately? Because I wouldn’t want to forget to tell all of you that I’ve totally been EXHAUSTED lately. Because I have.) So I decided that since I had no plans because I’m a sleepy spinster with two cats and seven arms and no teeth, that I’d stop at the grocery store on my way home, grab some comforting comfort food and catch up on my TiVo. Could there be a better evening spent on planet Earth? No. There isn’t.
As I started dreaming and drooling about the pot pie I would be eating in a few hours (who actually CRAVES pot pie, really?) (Don’t say pregnant women), I started thinking about other delicious comfort food that I had to have. Right. Then.
The final grocery store trip left me with a pot pie, Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Mac and chicken nuggets. Because I already had ice cream in the freezer at home.
I ate way too much and was happier than fat girl in a cupcake store. It was a good night.
I added some vegetables at dinner on Saturday night, but topped off my weekend on Sunday with leftover Hamburger Helper, more chicken nuggets, French toast and tater tots.
Please remind me of this when I bitch tomorrow because my pants don’t fit.
:::
Don’t forget, Monday is the last day to enter the book giveaway contest! Don’t forget to leave a comment on that post to enter, if you haven’t already. Chapter 15, bitches!
Topics: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 25 Comments »