Unemployment: Fits Me Like A Pair Of Tight Pants
Posted By Kristabella on September 23, 2008
Which is to say, IT DOES NOT FIT ME WELL.
(I always feel like I have to put an exclamation point after ALL CAPS, since I am shouting. But in my head it is all “IT DOES NOT FIT ME WELL, ahem.” Hence the period.)
Picture it: Chicago’s North Side, a warm late-September day in 2008. (Yes, I’ve been watching too many episodes of The Golden Girls on Lifetime. That part of unemployment SUITS ME JUST FINE!) (That was like a WOO! at the end, hence the exclamation point. Wouldn’t you love to just spend five minutes inside my brain seeing how it works? It’s a scary, scary place.)
Where were we? Right, the streets of the North Side of Chicago today. I have realized that the part of unemployment I do not enjoy is the lack of routine. As much as I love the sleeping in and the late-night episodes of The Golden Girls and The Cosby Show, I really miss having a reason to get up. I’m definitely a creature of habit and enjoy routine much more than the average bear.
Most people would enjoy this time off and do great things like work out hours a day like a celebrity, catch up on correspondence and explore the City and enjoy the lovely weather Chicago has given us lately. (To make up for all the rain, apparently.)
I am not most people. If I don’t have a reason to put on clothes, I don’t. I need a reason to shower. And brush my teeth. And leave the house. Because located in my house is a comfy couch, sugar-free Kool-Aid and loads and loads of daytime television. If I don’t have to get out of bed for an interview or hours of drinking, I’m damn sure not going to get out of bed and go work out just for the hell of it. At least if I have a job I can tell myself, “well, self, you’re already up. And out.”
Today I decided to change that. It is in the 80s here and it is almost October. That means winter will be here soon! Must savor this fantastic weather by actually going out in it! So after a morning and a lot of the early afternoon spent on the computer doing anything but leaving, I finally peeled my ass off the couch and went about leaving! I decided I would walk to the beach, read my book for a few hours and then walk back. Check me out, bitches, exercise AND reading! Stop patting my back, you’re giving me a bruise.
After many tries to leave (oh, need sunblock! And water! And bring those thank you cards to write out! And a towel to sit on in the grass! And don’t forget your book, you dumbass!) I finally walked out the door around 2:30 this afternoon. My mind was so proud of itself. For actually sputtering out more thoughts than “water”, “food” or “Soap Net”.
So I set off. It was very nice out, even nicer right by the lake, and I even accomplished more than one thing on my walk by depositing checks at the bank. I’m a fucking Renaissance Woman! There should be a statue of me.
I headed down to Montrose Harbor and sat down on one of the benches overlooking all the sailboats. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I wrote out all my thank you cards and then dove into Twilight and barely came up for air. (Yes I caved and finally started reading a kid’s book. IT IS SO GOOD! WOO!)
After a few hours, with the contents of my entire 32-ounce bottle of water in my belly, I decided it was time to get home. (To pee.) It was around 5 and I needed to eat something. (And pee.) Because I forgot to pack a snack so I was starting to get cranky and light-headed because I needed food.
I decided to stop at the grocery store on the way home, since I walked right past it and I needed a few things to eat in my house. All healthy! Because I worked out today!
But after the stop at the grocery store, which was just blocks from the beach, my journey started to take a turn for the worse. The sun was really beating down on me on the way home. Right in my eyes! My bladder was full and my stomach was empty. I was getting woozy from the lack of food in my stomach and really wished I had saved some of that water for the walk home. So hot and dehydrated. As I wiped the beaded sweat off my brow, I realized it wasn’t sweat at all. It was crystals of salt. Because one time I read that it sometimes happens to marathoners. And let me tell you, this was a journey.
As I approached Clark Street, I saw a beacon of hope. I was sure it was a mirage and Wile E. Coyote was going to jump out of that oasis of a strip mall complete with a palm tree, small lake and a Baskin Robbins. Because nothing would help me on my long journey more than some ice cream. It would give me that push to make it home. Those six blocks home.
I crawled closer to my imaginary oasis of a strip mall and realized that no, my eyes were not playing tricks on me. That was indeed a strip mall. With a 7-11! And a Baskin Robbins! Slurpees and ice cream! Hoorah!
But no, I told myself. I must press on. Those sugary treats will do nothing but fill you up on empty calories and your nearly four-mile walk will have all been for nothing. NOTHING! So I pressed on.
As I made it closer to Ashland, I realized that it was rush hour and there should be a bus coming soon. People need to get home from their jobs. And sweaty, out-of-shape lazy people also need to get home. Preferably without pulling something. A mode of transportation that involved sitting was just what the doctor ordered. I looked and there were no buses around. There was nothing for miles around, except cars and houses and a liquor store. It is the North Side of Chicago and all.
Finally I approached my house. Wheezing with every step. Yearning for just one drop of water just like people crossing the desert. I debated about stealing food off a stranger’s plate at an outdoor cafe because I was just so hungry.
I turned the corner on my block. As I paused to reminisce about my long journey where I almost died, I turned to look back, not at all fondly, at the terrain I covered and saw the Montrose bus whiz past me. As it passed, I shook my fist in the air and cursed the bus Gods for not helping me out.
When I finally made it into my apartment, crawling up those three flights of stairs, I ate a string cheese, took a nap and pondered the meaning of today’s adventure, looking for a Sophia Petrillo-like moral of the story. Clearly, I’m destined to be employed, behind a desk and lazy for the rest of my days.
And that fits me like a glove.
About the author
I really really hate it when the day is great until you have to make it home and the journey home is so heinous that you forget what a good time you had being out and about. Also? I am totally craving sugar free Kool Aid right now!
Erins last blog post..Today is Better
Like you I’m much better with a routine. It’s so easy to procrastinate when I don’t have to do something. Having said that, I’ve got 2 weeks leave coming up and I’m looking forward to being just a bit lazy.
jens last blog post..Flickr page redesign
This is a test, this is only a test.
Yeah, I know, I suck at tests too.
Yea you, I’d have stopped at 7-11
ps I just picked up “Twilight” this past weekend. I’ll have to start it today since you gave it a good woo!
Nancys last blog post..Tanya Phunker
But look! You made it all the way home without icecream! That’s way better than I could do. Congrats!
nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…
I can totally sympathize – last year I was laid off in April and got a temp job quickly that lasted til August. Just before the temp job was about to end I ran into a former coworker who, instead of going the temp route, decided instead to collect unemployment and therefore spent her days working out and laying on the beach. I was determined to make the most of my unemployment but, like you, I stayed home most of the day.
I have to say Bravo though for getting out of the house for what seems like it was a long walk to the lake! My own walk to the lake is less than a block and I don’t think I made it out there during daylight hours ONCE while I was employed.
Best wishes on employment arriving soon!
Angelas last blog post..Well THAT explains alot…
I love Golden Girls…I thought it was a guilty pleasure. I’m amazed at how many people admit it.
We had an experience quite similar to yours while we were in Cancun. Just picture yourself in a bathing suit walking down a busy road and you’ve got our experience.
Glad you made it home in one piece.
Oh brother, you and Jessica and your Golden Girls obsession! I would have gone to the bathroom at Jewel, and then stopped at Baskin Robbins for ice cream and 7-11 for water. But I also seem to be way too much into instant gratification these days….hence the 15 pounds I’ve gained! 🙁
good lord. I can sympathize though … lately, I’ve had to carry my son up our steps to the apartment and I wheeze every time. It sucks.
by the by … when I first read the title of this post, I thought it said “like a pair of TARGET pants” and I thought, “man, I can understand THAT.”
moos last blog post..he’s only TWO
When I was unemployed I couldn’t get myself to do anything. Ignoring the lack of motivation and completely laziness I also felt that if I was doing anything at all I should be spending my time looking for a job. So needless to say, I am completely impressed with your trek!
I love Sophia!!
Ashmystirs last blog post..devil’s advocate…
You won’t have tight pants if you keep up that workout schedule. And walking past Baskin Robbins. 😉
Rees last blog post..I May Get 2nd and 3rd Place
I am so glad you survived the long and perilous journey home.
Jen on the Edges last blog post..Letters from Elegant
Unemployment has clearly sent you over the edge. What kind of person doesn’t stop at a Baskin-Robbins when it is literally thrown in her path?
I’m not reading that stupid Twilight book. Nothing you say can convince me otherwise (Is it really that good?)
Candys last blog post..Kjarma’s a Bjitch
This travelogue was stellar. If you had only stopped at Baskin Robbins and tried each on of their exotic flavors you could have rivaled Anthony Bourdain and his adventures. Maybe next time.
Dingos last blog post..Catatonia is not a Eastern European Country
That was an epic adventure! And I think most people are actually like you. It is the few and the crazy that actually get stuff done when they have nothing to do.
Noelles last blog post..Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose
um…i want to be unemployed…
🙂
alis last blog post..totally tubular…man.
You crack me up. String cheese cures all, doesn’t it?
Katies last blog post..Well, That Didn’t Last Long
“As I approached Clark Street, I saw a beacon of hope.”
I totally read that as “I saw a bacon of hope.” And I thought, “Woo! Bacon to the rescue with his perfect saltiness!”
I TOLD you you would love Twilight. I was completely addicted!
Sarahs last blog post..Worldless Wednesday–Happy 50th Mom!
Normally a Golden Girls reference would cause me to stop reading,but your story drew me in. Good job…Seriously, because I hate Golden Girls!
Scarlets last blog post..Get Gone
Quite the resolve, my friend. I just returned from Whole Foods (because who doesn’t enjoy a tasty $10 salad bar excursion?) where I accidentally bought a tub of dark chocolate pecan cookies, several of which I’ve eaten over the course of the past 45 seconds.
whoorls last blog post..Good Reads
Yay you’re reading Twilight! I feel like a giddy teenager, I’m on Eclipse (book 3) right now.
So off topic of your post BUT inquiring minds (read: me) need to know…why no mention of the Cubs clinching the NL Central? Did I just miss it, what with my lack of internet for the past few days?
This all coming from a Cards fan (don’t hate), but I want you to be excited so I can live vicariously through you because my team will not be there!
You do better than I my friend with all that walking. Of course one could spontaneously combust here.
the golden girls was the best show.
micheles last blog post..My Morning