Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 6, 2008

I wish the reason I hadn’t blogged since last Wednesday night was because I was busy living the Fabulous Life of Kristabella. But sadly, right now the Fabulous Life of Kristabella involves pints of ice cream, an online job search and pajamas that double as acceptable clothes to leave the house in.

I had a busy week last week, applying for jobs. And then I went to watch my favorite niece (I only have one people, so don’t be thinking I’m playing favorites) traipse around in her dance class. Cute, huh?

I can’t believe she’s turning three on Sunday.

The other highlight was going to see Jersey Boys on Sunday. We ended up getting limited-view tickets for $25 on the day of the show which was fine for me. I couldn’t see part of the stage, but since I had seen the show before, I didn’t feel like I was missing much. And the new Frankie does a good job, even if his Jersey accent sounds more Russian. I just wished I hadn’t listened to the original cast recording over and over because I really wanted to sing along. Which most people don’t like. Go figure.

The best part of that was not seeing the show, but was the positive affirmation I got from a bathroom door in the train station. It told me that “The world is better with beautiful people like you in it.” And you know what bathroom door? You’re so right! Now if I could just shower and remember to brush my teeth every day, we’d be golden.

I figured I should do something memorable today so that I had something to write about. So I joined a wine club. Because nothing says unemployment like alcoholism! And now I get 2 bottles of wine a month! I don’t even have to leave the house. You know what that means? PANTS? WHO NEEDS PANTS? Not I!

I also applied for more jobs today. And have an interview set up on Wednesday at a Catholic organization. Which I only want to take because they work 37.5-hour work weeks and get like 30 vacation days. But then they will be talking about Jesus and and the blood of Christ all the time. And I’m pretty sure that won’t give me the right to drink wine at work. Even for “research” purposes.

My fear is that I can’t hold that job for more than three hours without rolling my eyes so far back into my head that they fall out. We’ll have to see how the interview goes. At least hopefully it will be blog fodder!

Finally, I have to go to bed now. Because I stupidly agreed to go to breakfast tomorrow morning with some friends/old co-workers. Which means I’ll be getting up before the sun for the first time in over a month. Oh 6 AM, I have been closer to you as a bed time when I’m up reading the Twilight books than I have been as a time to get up for the day. THE HUMANITY.

But this place’s refried beans are so worth it. Plus I can come home, all fat, full and happy, and take a nap.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have something to say.

Category: All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 25 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 2, 2008

This week, my vacation was over. Yes, I’m still unemployed, but this week I decided I had to get down to business. The business of becoming gainfully employed before I burn my severance and unemployment money on new duvet covers or fake babies. (Please click on that link so I’m not the only one with nightmares.)

So this week I told myself “Self, this week it is all business. It is time to get to work and put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.” And surprisingly, Self listened. Self doesn’t usually listen. Like when I’m all “Self, you do NOT need to eat an entire pizza” or “Self, I think two bottles of wine is enough for this evening” or “Self, maybe you could work out so that all those clothes in your closet will fit.” Self NEVER listens then. Fucking Self is a bitch.

Monday was shot. I had some errands I HAD to run. I needed toilet paper. I needed deodorant. I needed toothpaste for the days I remembered to brush. But I figured I’d get my Target run out of the way at the beginning of the week and then spend the rest of the week attached to my laptop as a Job Applying Machine.

I forgot how fucking time-consuming that is. I spent six hours (SIX! HOURS!) on Tuesday just doing all the searches on all the different websites. My plan of action was to save all the jobs I found on Tuesday and then use Wednesday to apply for all those saved jobs.

So that’s just what I did today. It was spent applying for jobs. It wasn’t a ton, about 12 or so, but enough. Enough of them that I had to change cover letters for. So that I didn’t have a “INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE” mishap again.

Actually this time, my mishaps were much worse. Because I am lazy and distracted by Twitter and emails. On second thought, I can’t even blame being distracted. I just blame being lazy and trying to get it all done in a hurry so I could watch TV.

My first bonehead move was when I decided it was smart to have seven different Word documents open. All the documents started with “cover letter” and then were dash something. Like cover letter-dash-marketing. Well when I had tweaked the communications cover letter to perfection, I was ready to apply for my first job of the day. So I copied the text from perfected cover letter, pasted it into the window and hit apply. Done and done.

That was until I went to apply for the next job and realized that I copied and pasted a cover letter from July. For a TOTALLY DIFFERENT JOB. Let’s just assume I’m not going to be getting that job. That’s a lot harder to pass over than INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE.

That is bad enough. I mean, I’m only applying for a handful of jobs, my margin for error is quite low. But sadly, that wasn’t the worst or only mistake I made during the day.

I found a listing for a job online for a professional writer, writing about social media like blogging and Twitter and Facebook. When I read it I was like this can’t be for real! Someone wants to pay me to do the shit I already do in my spare time? Sign me up!

So I readied a new email message to send off to the HR Man. I attached my resume and a writing sample. As I was going to hit “attach” to give them another writing sample, I hit send. I SENT A BLANK EMAIL WITH ONLY MY RESUME ATTACHED. THAT WAS IT. Apparently when I say I have great attention to detail on my resume, I am LYING. Clearly.

Then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I IMed Nic and was all “Fuuuuuuuck! HALP!” She laughed and then was like “dumbshit. Good look landing a job this century, you moron.” And then after I threatened physical violence because I’m like a foot taller than her, she told me just to send another email. And pretend the first one didn’t even exist. So that’s what I did. And I’m sure that HR Man is getting quite a laugh out of it. Too bad I could totally do that job, even if they specifically said no snarky writing. I can be non-snarky. I’m not always Full of Snark. But I am always full of something.

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In other news, who watches Pushing Daisies? Please tell me that one of you out there does and watched the premiere on Wednesday. Because what the fuck? I know it has been almost a year, but they totally just abandoned the cliffhanger from the end of the first season. Ned and Chuck weren’t even talking to each other. Ned didn’t even know where she was. Now, right off the bat, they are talking and everything is fine and back to normal? HOW? Are you just pretending the first season didn’t exist? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hopefully one of you out there can rant with me.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things TV, Job Search | 32 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 1, 2008

You know what I never talk about here? Jobs and interviews and work. Because someone who goes on and on about all that kind of stuff is just a whore, plain and simple.

It’s a good thing I don’t talk about jobs and stuff here because then you wouldn’t care to hear about a job I had during my summers in college.

I should probably point out that I’ve never held a retail or service industry job in my life. I never worked in fast food or at the mall or in a restaurant. In high school, I worked for my dad. My freshman year in college I was an usher for ASU football and basketball games, as well as Arizona Cardinals games. And I only did that because I got to usher Super Bowl XXX. After that, I worked in the media relations office in the athletic department. And sometimes I would work Phoenix Suns games. I didn’t do typical high school/college jobs.

I also had a job, during two summers in college, working for a minor league baseball team. I was an intern for the Kane County Cougars, who, at the time, were a Single A affiliate of the Florida Marlins.

It was kind of weird how I got the job. A lady that had previously worked for my dad, Heidi, somehow knew a lady who worked in accounting for the Cougars. And she just happened to be sleeping with the General Manager of the team, as I later found out. So I gave her a call, sent in my resume and basically got the job. I was hired to help answer phones and anywhere else they needed me. I was the low woman on the totem pole. My first few weeks I spent sitting in an office reading a book. And getting PAID for it.

After they figured out I could do other things besides read and answer phones, I spent most of the time working in the ticket office selling tickets and calling groups about their tickets and setting menus for the outings and doing a lot of the things I have done as an event coordinator in other jobs I have had since. But on game days, I basically helped wherever they needed me. I did any number of duties, including working the customer service booth, wrapping hot dogs, making snow cones, throwing cookies out into the stands in the 5th inning and pouring beer, underage I might add. (Actually, when I did pour beer, I was only allowed to pour until someone questioned my age. Even though I was close to 21. And I look young.)

I didn’t mind helping out. It kept things interesting. I hated the customer service booth because people are idiots. And I don’t know how many times I had to tell people “no, I don’t sell hot dogs/t-shirts/beer here.” And I once got into an argument/tiff with some other worker because I got to work the customer service booth, which was apparently a cushy job since I got to sit on my ass the whole game. And apparently I was the GM’s pet. Which they probably realized wasn’t true when I screamed at the GM in my second summer and quit two weeks early. (Funny thing? I have no idea what I was so mad about.)

There was one thing I hated about that job, one thing I prayed to get out of every game – trash duty. You see, in the minor leagues, you don’t have a team of people who clean up the stadium. You basically put your salaried employees and interns on that job. Everyone, including the GM, picked up trash after the game. And let me tell you it was one of the most disgusting things I have ever done. Imagine all the crap people eat and drink during a baseball game – peanuts, beer, nachos, soft pretzels, hot dogs. Now imagine all those things in one soggy pile. Now imagine having to pick said soggy, sloppy, smelly pile up and put into a trash bag.

I think I just remembered why I quit.

I got out of it more often than not. Because I volunteered to count ticket stubs, or clean up the ticket booths or because I was young and needed to get home and needed a nice man to walk me all the way to my car. (I can be very persuasive.) But the times I had to do it were awful. And I can never erase the smell of stale beer mixed with peanut shells from my memory.

Remember this next time you go to a baseball game and toss your peanut shells on the ground instead of in a cup. Some trash person will have to sweep that shit up.

Category: Sports, Worky Work | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 30, 2008

There are a lot of bloggers who will say that if they have nothing to blog about, they just won’t write. Why subject your audience to crap just so that you put a blog post up? I’m the exact opposite. If I don’t write semi-frequently, I get out of the habit. And it makes it that much harder to get the motivation to start it up again. I work better when I have to push through and get words down on screen. Because eventually I will write something interesting and/or funny again. (I’ve been doing this almost two years and I’m still waiting.)

Well, that is the idea. I mean sometimes I just have nothing to say. I’m pretty sure that’s where Bacon and Death Is Not An Option came from. Because if I don’t stick to a routine and write every evening, then I will most likely get distracted by something shiny or a re-run of The Cosby Show on TV and then just damn it all to hell.

This is basically a long way of saying that I have not had much going on in my life. I was going to write last Thursday night until I decided I wanted to read all 600 pages of New Moon in one day. Yes, one day. And I was only up until 2 AM. That means I didn’t watch any of the new premiering television shows. I read a book instead! What the hell is wrong with me? I skipped The Office and Grey’s Anatomy for A BOOK?!?!

I decided I’m taking a break from the Twilight books right now. As Kerianne suggested, that I totally agree with, there is crack on those pages of those books. How else can you explain that I, of the easily distracted-ness of all things shiny, could sit down and read a book in JUST ONE DAY? Crack is the only explanation. Crack is wack.

Then I was going to write this weekend, but I was too sad with my bank collapsing. At least Chase bought it out and my money is safe. But I’m wondering how my bank went kaput when I have funded at least one branch solely on my overdraft fees alone. Where did my money go, WaMu? WHERE? That is so not WOO HOO at all.

This weekend I was actually very busy. I went up to visit my brother and sister-in-law and the world’s cutest kids, my nephew Noah and my niece Skyler. We celebrated my birthday with cake and ice cream and pizza and quesadillas and snow cones and more cake and then some candy. And I wonder why my pants don’t fit. Good thing I’m unemployed and can wear elastic waistband pants.

We didn’t eat that in one day. I was up there all weekend, from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening. It was a busy weekend. Saturday we had my nephew’s soccer game, where Skyler and I spent the whole game running up and down the hill. Skyler does not get easily distracted as we did this for about 20 minutes straight.

And Noah tried to score some goals on the field.

After soccer was the Family Fest in their neighborhood, which had a ton of those inflatable, bouncy things for the kids, which meant I took my niece around to all of them over and over and over. There were also pony rides and free snow cones, which was nice, since it was like 85 and sunny and I was a sweaty mess.

After the Family Fest, we went to an 11-mile corn maze in the middle of nowhere.

It was actually pretty interesting. It would have been more interesting if I had been drunk, but it was an event for Noah’s Cub Scout pack. It got really dark out there, which is kind of weird to be in a maze full of corn towering above your head and not able to see your hand in front of your face.

On Sunday we had a birthday party for a neighbor (yet another event I crashed throughout the weekend) where there were cupcakes.

Overall it was an excellent, yet exhausting, weekend. It was just what I needed.

Although I was quite excited I didn’t have a job to go to Monday morning because I needed a few days of sleep to rest up from the weekend. I don’t usually do that much stuff in a month, let alone in a few days.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family | 22 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 24, 2008

I cannot write a long post. Why? Well, for one, I’m tired. Because not only did I skip out on my daily dose of The Golden Girls last night to read Twilight, I read from midnight to 3 AM. At that time, I decided that I finally needed to go bed. I had a full day planned today with my Grandma, running errands and doing chores around her house. So I pried that book out of my own hands and put it down and turned off the light. I was tired, clearly from my adventure earlier in the day, but I could not fall asleep. I kept tossing and turning and murmuring (that was for you Metalia) out loud to no one in particular  “I LOVE YOU EDWARD! BELLA! HOW CAN THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK OUT? I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WITH A BUNCH OF RIDICULOUSLY GOOD LOOKING VAMPIRES!”

Finally, I think it was about 4:30 or so before I finally drifted into sleep. I so wish I was a vampire and didn’t have to eat or sleep. Think of all the time I would have to read! And how skinny I would be! And ridiculously good looking! Life would be awesome! I mean, minus the whole blood-sucking thing.

Dear Twilight, now I see what everyone was talking about. I get it now. It took me until book four to realize how good Harry Potter was. I am a slow learner. I heart you.

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So today I ran out of toilet paper. I’d like to say that is because I’m unemployed and am conserving my monetary funds. But really I’m just lazy. So while I was in two stores today that sold toilet paper, I chose to steal a roll from my grandma instead.

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My grandma and my mom have a tradition of watching Wheel of Fortune together every day. My mom gets home from work about 6 and they watch it together every day at 6:30. It’s pretty funny. My mom is awesome at the game and should totally be on the show. My grandma just yells at Pat Sajak for molesting all the female contestants.

And what do I do when I watch with them? I add thoughtful, witty commentary. And yell out inappropriate answers to the puzzles.

Have you guys seen Wheel in awhile? They’ve pretty much run out of new things for puzzles. They now have a category called “What Are You Doing?” So I was like “what the hell is the answer to these puzzles? Sipping on some gin and juice?”

Close. Today’s answer was “Kicking back in a cabana on the beach.” Sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.

The best is to just shout things out. It really throws my mom off. In one of tonight’s puzzles, I was convinced the last word was PARASITES. I wasn’t sure how that would be worked into a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune, but hey, times, they are a-changing. I think one guess I yelled out was OMELETTE PARASITES!

The real answer? Totally Opposites. Or something.

The final round’s category was “household items”. And it was two words, both four letters each. My first guess was SPIC SPAN. (See why I wouldn’t be good? I’d be like the girl with Tourettes just yelling four-letter household item words out. DUST PANS! FOUR SALT! FOOD BOWL! WINE CORK! DEAD CATS!)

Finally some of the letters came up and I guessed, rather shouty I might add, PAIN MEDS! Which would only be an answer on the SKID ROW VERSION OF WHEEL OF FORTUNE!

The actual answer was BUNK BEDS.

Did I mention it was “Teen Best Friends Week” on Wheel of Fortune?

Now I’m off to finish Twilight so I can start on New Moon!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Land of Random | 31 Comments »
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