Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 9, 2008

Today was a rainy, fall-like day in Chicago. I know because I sat on my couch ALL DAY and watched the rain fall and fall. Because I am unemployed and in my book, unemployed = not showering/not moving from the couch.

Today was also the first day it really kind of hit me that HELLO! UNEMPLOYED! YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR NEXT MEAL IS COMING FROM! And I may have had a bit of a pity party for myself on my couch all afternoon because holy shitballs, I have been through a lot and am just now processing it. And this pity party involved a lot of tears and a nap. Because I tired myself out from all the crying.

I know this is a temporary thing. I know I will find something. It may be this week and it may be in a few months, but I know this won’t last too long. But that is not how it feels. It doesn’t feel like a vacation. Because I know I will not see my ex-co-workers again in a work setting. I know that while I lounge on the couch, emails and voicemails aren’t piling up at the office. It doesn’t feel temporary or good. It feels depressing. A big, giant, suffocating blanket of depressing.

So Day One was a big, giant FAIL WHALE. But tomorrow should be better. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny. And tomorrow I have to get my ass out of bed and go on an interview. Where I just hope I don’t weep all over the interviewer. Because when I tear up at Lauren and Audrina’s little chat on The Hills, you know it is BAD.

Category: Unemployment Line, Whine & Cheese | 39 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 8, 2008

This weekend my friends Kirk and Teri were in town. Kirk is my old boss from the Niners and Teri is his wife. They were in town because Kirk is a public relations consultant and is doing some PR work for Luczo Dragon Racing, which competes in the Indy Racing League. (Which, is the IRL. Which, I’m such a nerd because every time I saw IRL on anything, I was all “In Real Life?”) And he was in town with the team for the final Indy race of the year at the Chicagoland Speedway.

Kirk invited me to go down on Saturday for the qualifying and practice rounds. I reluctantly agreed because well, I don’t much care for racing. And on top of it, I didn’t know what to expect. At the very least, I figured the stadium would sell beer and I would be able to cross “stand in the pit of a race” off my life’s to-do list.

So Saturday morning we headed down to the race track and I was prepared to have shirtless rednecks in RVs shoved in my face. Thankfully, we were VIPs and were in the pit and in the garages. So everyone had shirts on there. It was part of the dress code. (But didn’t stop me from yelling at any hootchie that walked by in a tank top or open-toed shoes that it was INAPPROPRIATE ATTIRE!)

It was one of the coolest things I have ever experienced. In my life, I’ve been to all sorts of sporting events and worked them or stood on sidelines. I’m a bit jaded when it comes to those things because I’ve been there and it isn’t new for me. Let me tell you, this was new. Not only do I not know a single thing about racing, I didn’t realize that today’s race was HUGE! And was the last race of the year! And was going to determine the winner of the points championship or something or other! And that Danica Patrick and Helio Castroneves were going to be there! And I totally know who those two people are! And Helio won Dancing With The Stars! And racers are tiny! And I got close enough to touch them!

Standing in the pit is so much cooler than standing on the sidelines because there is so much going on and it has to happen so fast and one small mistake can RUIN the whole race. We were only down there for practice, but it was still pretty cool to see them change the tires and gas up the car.

Kirk took us around to garage area, where they tweak the cars after practice and work out any kinks.

We hung out all day. We watched the qualifying, which is lame. They go one by one and just try to go really fast. I thought they would have to fake race and there might be crashes. But it was cool to watch. I should have gone to the race today because there was a fire! And some crashes! And a crash in the pit! But it probably wouldn’t have been the best atmosphere since Kirk’s team’s guy didn’t finish the race. Again.

But definitely was such a great experience and one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.

 

You can check out the rest of my photos here.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Sports | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 3, 2008

*Disclaimer: I swear one day in the near future (hopefully) I will talk about something else besides work and job searching.*

So today was probably my first real freak out about the whole losing my job/HOW WILL I PAY MY RENT situation that is forthcoming in like two days.

Remember that job I gushed about last week? The one I turned down a job in the suburbs for? Turned down on the hope that I would get this job I wanted and was totally going to kick ass in the role because of my mad writing skillz, yo? Well, I didn’t get it.

I’m actually not too shocked. I hadn’t heard from them, blamed it on the holiday and the HR woman being out on vacation recently, but knew deep down they were itching to hire someone soon and if that someone was me, I would have heard from them.

I’m also not too surprised because I know I bombed the writing test. “What?” you ask. “How could that be possible?” Well, because this company was in the financial sector. With banking terms and acronyms. Shit I know nothing about. And after the writing test I had a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn’t come easy to me, that I wouldn’t ever really grasp the lingo and be passionate about finance and banking and accounting. We all know how the consulting thing went over.

So like the day I got my notice from my current job, today was no different. I wasn’t overly shocked, but I was sad and disappointed all the same. Most of that sadness and disappointment comes from the fact that I overreact.

For instance, here is an excerpt of an email between me and my mom:

ME: I didn’t get the financial writers job. Woe is me. Will be unemployed forever. (Even though, technically I’m not unemployed until Monday. I overreact AND I’m melodramatic. Cue the tiny violins.)

MOM: Oh, I’m so sorry honey. That really sucks. But you’ll be fine. It wasn’t meant to be. You’ll have another job before you know it. And now you get some time off.

ME: Did you not hear me the first time? WOE. IS. ME. WOE. A LOT OF WOE. WOE I TELL YA!

MOM: It just means something even better is out there.

ME: I know, but this just means that I will have to use all my severance on bills and rent and not on flat screen TVs and iPhones and paying off the ridiculously large amount of debt I have.

MOM: You will find a job in the next three months. I know it.

ME: WOE. No iPhone. MOUNDS OF DEBT.

MOM: I have to go. I’m not feeling so well. (She actually said that but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the one making her ill. If anyone should be sick to their stomach, it is me. My WOE is making me sick.)

I know everything happens for a reason. Please, I’m like a walking advertisement for that. That is what it is going to say on my tombstone. Anyone at my funeral who will be sad will be smacked in the face with a slice of bacon and told, loudly, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BITCH. That is how much I believe it.

I know I’ll find a job. And I’ll find one sooner rather than later. And I’m pretty sure I’ll find one before my severance runs out. And I’m now convinced that I will find one I love and that suits me and that is a good fit for me.

But that doesn’t stop me from freaking out and going from calm to batshit crazy in .001 seconds. Which sadly is par for the course in the Fabulous Life of Kristabella.

Category: Job Search, Whine & Cheese | 38 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 2, 2008

So maybe I could have broken down the wordiest post ever from yesterday into a few posts for this week? Instead of word vomiting 1600 words (thanks WordPress and your handy dandy Word Counter) about a whole lot of nothing? Because really, raise your hands, who read that whole thing? (Put your hand down Mom.)

And now I am faced with nothing to write. Because everything interesting that has happened to me in a week, nay a month, I put all in one freaking post. On top of that, my brain has already checked out of the workplace and is already unemployed and sitting on the couch in pajamas, watching the Price is Right and Spanish soap operas. (My brain speaks Spanish. Which is why Brain and Voice have a communication issue. But not Brain and Liver. Liver knows cerveza.) (That really wasn’t funny enough yesterday to be a running joke.) (Blame Brain and his NON-FUNCTIONING.)

This week at work is going to be the longest ever. Thankfully Google Reader is constantly refreshing (can you people just stop posting? Like for a week? My comment spreadsheet almost BLEW UP today. And I’m still over 200 unread posts.)

But the one thing I have to look forward to is the food. This week is the Tour de Taco.

See, I love Mexican food. I could eat it every meal of every day. I never get tired of it. There are so many options! I even love Taco Bell.

The neighborhood that my office is in has some of the best AUTHENTIC (not Tex Mex) Mexican food I have ever had in my life. We frequent a few of these places for lunch every week and even have a breakfast club that meets once a month at a Mexican place. Want to know how much I love Mexican food? I get up EARLY, earlier than a normal work day, early as in before the sun comes up, to go eat breakfast before work. That is how good it is. That is love right there.

So back a few weeks ago, we decided that this week we would have to hit up all our favorite places. Especially since I am not really going to go out of my way to go to this neighborhood in the future since it is not close to my house. And I have a great Mexican place less than a block from my front door. Which means I can shove my face full of carne asada without breaking a sweat. Or wasting gas in my car.

So today we went to the Mexican grocery store, which has cheap, excellent tacos. And we can sit and watch the Telenovelas and pretend like we know what is going on. The one we used to watch ended. (Spanish soap operas end. Unlike their American counterparts. Weird. And there is A LOT more sex and big boobs and less clothes.)

Tomorrow morning is Mexican breakfast. Tomorrow’s lunch is another Mexican place that has flame-grilled chicken, rice, beans and guacamole on their menu. That’s it.

Thursday is lunch at some fancy schmancy French place that my boss picked out. But it is a free meal and I will be having the steak.

And really, it is good that I have the food plans because it keeps Brain focused. He likes to know when his next meal is. Seeing as he’s already unemployed and is unsure of that fact. Plus knowing we’re going to a restaurant will force Brain to be alert and not drool on the table and fellow diners. Or blurt out inappropriate things like “SHUT YOUR MEAT FACE!” to my boss.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Worky Work | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 1, 2008

*blows dust off fullofsnark.com*

Oh hello there, readers. What? Where have I been? I have been melting into a pool of my own sweat and tears because I am going to be UNEMPLOYED at the end of the week and what the fuck is up with this heat wave? Don’t tease me with temps in the 70 last week and then bust out the 90s one last time, Mother Nature. You should be fired. Your services are no longer needed here.

So where have I really been? Drunk mostly. And sleeping. And eating a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches because I am too hot and lazy to go to the grocery store to buy real food. I would have never have thought I could get tired of grilled cheese until I decided to eat it four days in a row.

(THIS is what you’ve all been missing on my blog, haven’t you?)

So I’m here to update you on all my goings on. Which I’ve pretty much summed up with UNEMPLOYED, DRUNK, HOT and GRILLED CHEESE SAMMICHES.

Job Update:

My last day is this coming Friday. I have four days left. Really only three since I just have to come in for like an hour on Friday. But since I still have to wake up early, it counts.

I’m not sure how I feel. Well, that’s a lie. I am freaking out. I’m a little nervous. Ideally I wanted to not have a job by my last day because I would like to take some time off and then be all refreshed when I start my new gig. But there is that little voice inside me that is all “HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING! THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN THE SEVERANCE RUNS OUT? WHAT??? HUH? WHAT? SUCKA!”

And really, I can only quiet that voice with lots and lots of alcohol. Because shut the fuck up, Voice. We will cross that bridge when we come to it and NO MORE BEER FOR YOU.

Job Interview Update:

Thank you to all of you who commented on my last post which was like a week ago. (That was a long stretch, huh?) I made the decision to tell the job in the suburbs that I was offered another job and that I had to remove my name from consideration and I thanked them for their time and wished them luck on finding an ideal candidate. (How professional sounding, right?)

The Voice did not like this one bit. Voice is all “THIS WILL BE THE ONLY JOB YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN OFFERED! WE WILL LIVE ON RAMEN NOODLES AND BOONE’S FARM! OH, THE HUMANITY!”

So then I drank more to shut up Voice and now Liver and I are in a big fight because Liver is all “GROW SOME BALLS AND SHUT UP THAT VOICE, BITCH! I NEED TO FUNCTION FOR MANY MORE YEARS TO COME!”

Last week I had my interview with the one job I’m very interested in. I think it went well. I had a writing test, and while I wasn’t super familiar with the material, I think I did OK with it. The hardest thing was making a 300-word bio down to 50. That’s easy peasey since that’s all I did at the Niners was write bios. But 50 words is not a log when the person has worked for 2 companies that each have 10 words in them. So yeah. That and I’m a wordy motherfucker.

So I haven’t heard anything from them yet, but I know they had other people to see and it was a holiday weekend, so I’m going to give them a call on Tuesday and see where I stand.

I also got another call on Thursday so I think Voice is starting to chill the fuck out. And if neither of those work, we’ll go back to the drawing board. And go buy a few 40-ounce Colt 45s for Voice.

Why People Don’t Talk To Strangers Update:

Last week I had a really nice time at the sales conference. This group of people were huge fans of mine for some odd reason. Probably because I am bitter about leaving and don’t sugarcoat anything. Oh, wait. I’m like that normally.

Anyway, last Sunday night, they were all out at a bar. I went down to the lobby bar looking for the group, only to find no one there. Thankfully I saw one of the attendees coming around the corner and he told me everyone was next door. So when I went over there, I learned what it must be like to be a celebrity. Everyone was so excited to see me and yelling my name and giving me hugs and buying me drinks. It was AWESOME.

So needless to say, the week was a lot of fun. Especially since I had nothing more to do than sit in the back of the room and play Sudoku.

Wednesday night, we went out to a bar with karaoke. Because I may have drunkenly mentioned my skill at singing Baby Got Back. And of course they all wanted to see it. So we headed to a bar and took a seat. We sat right next to a table full of Chicago cops, who were eating dinner. Because no one should arrest a bunch of drunk and disorderly people on a full stomach.

As we were waiting for the karaoke to get started, we played trivia. The cops played trivia too. Being a few beers in, and also an IDIOT, I decided to trash talk the cops. Because the one dude, who totally checked me out when he came in, was kicking our ass. So I decided to take off my shirt and dance naked in front of him and his club sammich. It did not work.

Since he wouldn’t bite, I decided to talk to one of the other cops, a very nice policeman, when he was getting up to leave. I wanted to know about his wardrobe selection and why some of them had dark blue bullet-proof vests on and others had light blue. (It’s a personal choice.)

We then got to talking and I started kidding him about taunting the other cops, trying to psyche them out during trivia and didn’t he like my shirtless table dance? (He did.) And then I told him how the one cop, McGruff the Crime Dog, was not friendly. And then I joked to Nice Cop that McGruff got so irritated with me that he gave me a HUGE bruise on the back of my arm. (Yes. I actually said that out loud.)

And then Nice Cop went all Serious Copper on my ass. He started asking me what happened and if the guy next to me did it. He even went so far as to measure the guy’s thumb print to see if it would make a bruise like the one on my arm.

Want to know what I said? (You actually don’t.) So then I was like “Actually, I got it from a rough night. I told him NO MEANS NO!” (*smacks head on table*)

Copper did NOT find me funny and I finally told him that I banged it on the door frame of my car when I was getting in one day because I am a fucking klutz and I bruise like a peach. And then I batted my eyes at him until he went away and am glad he didn’t ask me my name and address.

And then I thought “This is why Heather B. does not like to talk to strangers. Point taken Heather.”

And then I sang Baby Got Back to a crowd of strangers and one of the sales guys took a video of it. That I might share. But it was well-received by the whole group the next day and solidified my rock star status.

Misc. Updates:

• I have not been on the computer much in the last week. I’m way behind on my reader. Thankfully I should have some idle time this week during working hours to catch up, hopefully.
• Saturday night I went to a rooftop party with my friends Shelly and Stacy and ended up making out with a gay guy. Well, he thinks he’s straight, but everyone else at the party is pretty sure he’s not. And he did this weird thing with his mouth when he talked, like an old person would do when talking without their dentures. It was weird. He was weird. And it was just gross.
• And then I got hit on by a seemingly nice, funny guy. Who was 23 and lived at home with his parents and had no job. He didn’t see why this was a problem. NEXT!
• I had a dream this afternoon during my nap about my ex-boyfriend, who may or may not still read this site. I’ll just say it was very real and very out of the blue because I haven’t thought about him for about a year.

Bacon Update:

FINALLY! I’m going to announce the winners of the Bacon contest! And since I’m lazy and sweaty and full of grilled cheese, I’ve decided to use random.org to decide the winner. Because then I can’t feel guilty if someone didn’t win. You’ll have to take it up with a COMPUTER!

First, the winner of the Bacon vs. Tofu figurines is…

Allison! Which works out well since she actually wanted them and had plans for them!

And the Bacon Band-Aids go to…

Melissa! Who will wear them for her appointments with Dr. Hottie.

Congrats ladies, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com.

I’m definitely doing another Bacon giveaway in the near future!

And finally, I need some book suggestions. I’m going to have a bit of time on my hands and I’m out of books to read. Suggest away in the comments!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, Bacon, Contests, Job Search, Land of Random | 29 Comments »
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