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Wordy Recap
By Kristabella | September 1, 2008
*blows dust off fullofsnark.com*
Oh hello there, readers. What? Where have I been? I have been melting into a pool of my own sweat and tears because I am going to be UNEMPLOYED at the end of the week and what the fuck is up with this heat wave? Don’t tease me with temps in the 70 last week and then bust out the 90s one last time, Mother Nature. You should be fired. Your services are no longer needed here.
So where have I really been? Drunk mostly. And sleeping. And eating a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches because I am too hot and lazy to go to the grocery store to buy real food. I would have never have thought I could get tired of grilled cheese until I decided to eat it four days in a row.
(THIS is what you’ve all been missing on my blog, haven’t you?)
So I’m here to update you on all my goings on. Which I’ve pretty much summed up with UNEMPLOYED, DRUNK, HOT and GRILLED CHEESE SAMMICHES.
Job Update:
My last day is this coming Friday. I have four days left. Really only three since I just have to come in for like an hour on Friday. But since I still have to wake up early, it counts.
I’m not sure how I feel. Well, that’s a lie. I am freaking out. I’m a little nervous. Ideally I wanted to not have a job by my last day because I would like to take some time off and then be all refreshed when I start my new gig. But there is that little voice inside me that is all “HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO FIND ANYTHING! THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN THE SEVERANCE RUNS OUT? WHAT??? HUH? WHAT? SUCKA!”
And really, I can only quiet that voice with lots and lots of alcohol. Because shut the fuck up, Voice. We will cross that bridge when we come to it and NO MORE BEER FOR YOU.
Job Interview Update:
Thank you to all of you who commented on my last post which was like a week ago. (That was a long stretch, huh?) I made the decision to tell the job in the suburbs that I was offered another job and that I had to remove my name from consideration and I thanked them for their time and wished them luck on finding an ideal candidate. (How professional sounding, right?)
The Voice did not like this one bit. Voice is all “THIS WILL BE THE ONLY JOB YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN OFFERED! WE WILL LIVE ON RAMEN NOODLES AND BOONE’S FARM! OH, THE HUMANITY!”
So then I drank more to shut up Voice and now Liver and I are in a big fight because Liver is all “GROW SOME BALLS AND SHUT UP THAT VOICE, BITCH! I NEED TO FUNCTION FOR MANY MORE YEARS TO COME!”
Last week I had my interview with the one job I’m very interested in. I think it went well. I had a writing test, and while I wasn’t super familiar with the material, I think I did OK with it. The hardest thing was making a 300-word bio down to 50. That’s easy peasey since that’s all I did at the Niners was write bios. But 50 words is not a log when the person has worked for 2 companies that each have 10 words in them. So yeah. That and I’m a wordy motherfucker.
So I haven’t heard anything from them yet, but I know they had other people to see and it was a holiday weekend, so I’m going to give them a call on Tuesday and see where I stand.
I also got another call on Thursday so I think Voice is starting to chill the fuck out. And if neither of those work, we’ll go back to the drawing board. And go buy a few 40-ounce Colt 45s for Voice.
Why People Don’t Talk To Strangers Update:
Last week I had a really nice time at the sales conference. This group of people were huge fans of mine for some odd reason. Probably because I am bitter about leaving and don’t sugarcoat anything. Oh, wait. I’m like that normally.
Anyway, last Sunday night, they were all out at a bar. I went down to the lobby bar looking for the group, only to find no one there. Thankfully I saw one of the attendees coming around the corner and he told me everyone was next door. So when I went over there, I learned what it must be like to be a celebrity. Everyone was so excited to see me and yelling my name and giving me hugs and buying me drinks. It was AWESOME.
So needless to say, the week was a lot of fun. Especially since I had nothing more to do than sit in the back of the room and play Sudoku.
Wednesday night, we went out to a bar with karaoke. Because I may have drunkenly mentioned my skill at singing Baby Got Back. And of course they all wanted to see it. So we headed to a bar and took a seat. We sat right next to a table full of Chicago cops, who were eating dinner. Because no one should arrest a bunch of drunk and disorderly people on a full stomach.
As we were waiting for the karaoke to get started, we played trivia. The cops played trivia too. Being a few beers in, and also an IDIOT, I decided to trash talk the cops. Because the one dude, who totally checked me out when he came in, was kicking our ass. So I decided to take off my shirt and dance naked in front of him and his club sammich. It did not work.
Since he wouldn’t bite, I decided to talk to one of the other cops, a very nice policeman, when he was getting up to leave. I wanted to know about his wardrobe selection and why some of them had dark blue bullet-proof vests on and others had light blue. (It’s a personal choice.)
We then got to talking and I started kidding him about taunting the other cops, trying to psyche them out during trivia and didn’t he like my shirtless table dance? (He did.) And then I told him how the one cop, McGruff the Crime Dog, was not friendly. And then I joked to Nice Cop that McGruff got so irritated with me that he gave me a HUGE bruise on the back of my arm. (Yes. I actually said that out loud.)
And then Nice Cop went all Serious Copper on my ass. He started asking me what happened and if the guy next to me did it. He even went so far as to measure the guy’s thumb print to see if it would make a bruise like the one on my arm.
Want to know what I said? (You actually don’t.) So then I was like “Actually, I got it from a rough night. I told him NO MEANS NO!” (*smacks head on table*)
Copper did NOT find me funny and I finally told him that I banged it on the door frame of my car when I was getting in one day because I am a fucking klutz and I bruise like a peach. And then I batted my eyes at him until he went away and am glad he didn’t ask me my name and address.
And then I thought “This is why Heather B. does not like to talk to strangers. Point taken Heather.”
And then I sang Baby Got Back to a crowd of strangers and one of the sales guys took a video of it. That I might share. But it was well-received by the whole group the next day and solidified my rock star status.
Misc. Updates:
- I have not been on the computer much in the last week. I’m way behind on my reader. Thankfully I should have some idle time this week during working hours to catch up, hopefully.
- Saturday night I went to a rooftop party with my friends Shelly and Stacy and ended up making out with a gay guy. Well, he thinks he’s straight, but everyone else at the party is pretty sure he’s not. And he did this weird thing with his mouth when he talked, like an old person would do when talking without their dentures. It was weird. He was weird. And it was just gross.
- And then I got hit on by a seemingly nice, funny guy. Who was 23 and lived at home with his parents and had no job. He didn’t see why this was a problem. NEXT!
- I had a dream this afternoon during my nap about my ex-boyfriend, who may or may not still read this site. I’ll just say it was very real and very out of the blue because I haven’t thought about him for about a year.
Bacon Update:
FINALLY! I’m going to announce the winners of the Bacon contest! And since I’m lazy and sweaty and full of grilled cheese, I’ve decided to use random.org to decide the winner. Because then I can’t feel guilty if someone didn’t win. You’ll have to take it up with a COMPUTER!
First, the winner of the Bacon vs. Tofu figurines is…
Allison! Which works out well since she actually wanted them and had plans for them!
And the Bacon Band-Aids go to…
Melissa! Who will wear them for her appointments with Dr. Hottie.
Congrats ladies, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark (at) gmail (dot) com.
I’m definitely doing another Bacon giveaway in the near future!
And finally, I need some book suggestions. I’m going to have a bit of time on my hands and I’m out of books to read. Suggest away in the comments!
Topics: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, Bacon, Contests, Job Search, Land of Random |
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:54 am
I have had 4 glasses of wine so forgive any non sequiturs, rambling, etc. I shall number my comments in order to avoid rambling.
1. Job
You will get a new job. Or write a book and become a Famous Author.
2. Cops
Men in uniform (with handcuffs) are always good.
3. Kissing Gay Guys
I have also made out with a gay man. Or perhaps he was bisexual. Generally, they are good kissers.
4. Baby Got Back
No comment. Except to say that I can still recite that song.
5. Books
I am currently reading a book titled “Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse.” Its hilarious.
Also try:
Pillars of the Earth and World Without End by Ken Follet. These are each 1000 page books and should keep you busy until you get that new job (i.e. - next week).
Also anything by James Rollins (a series with the same characters, but can be read on their own). That is, if you like the spy thrillers.
Raymond Khoury’s “The Sanctuary”.
Julia Navarro’s “Brotherhood of the Holy Shroud” - its a translation from Italian and a bit of a slow go language wise, but a good book.
Nicoles last blog post..You have got to be kidding me
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 am
One I read this summer that I thought might be fluff, but riveted me was “One Door Away From Heaven” by Dean Koontz. Turns out he’s not just for Halloween any more.
witchypoos last blog post..Excrement Alert
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:39 am
I’ve read some good ones this summer! Enjoy!
“All I ever wanted was everything” by Janelle Brown
“Three Cups of Tea” by Greg Mortenson
I’ve got more if you need them!
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:58 am
I’m pretty sure I dated a gay guy for at least 6 months. He used to work in my building and I kept hoping that I’d see him with a guy so I could yell, “HA! TOLD YOU!” but, I did not.
Have you read Forget About It by Caprice Crane? I just finished it and am happy to send it on to you…
Rhis last blog post..Where I admit to you that I’m a Proud Republican
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
wow, you have a lot going on. but i’m betting it will be one of those things you’ll look back on in a couple of months and be like–wow, everything really does happen for a reason
take care of yourself!
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 am
Well holy shit!! I already had my appointment with Dr. Hottie but I’ll still be happy to take those bad boys off your hands!!!
I hope your dream job is right around the corner!!
Melissas last blog post..What Is That Stench….
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
I cannot believe that you told Nice Cop that McGruff bruised you!?! I bet it got really awkward with a quickness
Sensibly Sassys last blog post..Living Like A Queen In King’s Beach
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 am
You should tell 23 year old that girls only like boys in uniform and you have to have a JOB to wear one. And, yes, Speedos do count as uniforms.
Sounds like Nice Cop has a good sense of humor. I come from a long line of cops and they have no humor when it comes to false reporting, even when it comes with beer, karaoke, and sammiches.
Freaking weirdos!
thecoconutdiariess last blog post..My Universe, Brought To You By The Folks At AA
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 am
making out with a gay guy is all very Joey and Jack Dawson’s Creek-y.
awesome.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 am
Before I read your post full of funny-ness and grilled cheese and bacon, I was kind of tired and irritated with my own job search. Now I’m amused and kind of hungry, awesome improvement
dabbys last blog post..Let her cry and also, the blood.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
Dude, grilled cheese IS THE REALEST FOOD. If you need some variety, and have a Dunkin’ Donuts near you, I’ve just discovered their 3-cheese flatbread which is kinda like a-la-moding grilled cheese. You’ll feel like hell afterwards, but while you’re eating you’ll be in pure bliss. Plus, it’s only two-bazillion calories, so you’ll have room for a strawberry (Fruit! Healthy!) filled donut.
Totally try not to stress about the job. I’ve been in your situation more than once, and it seriously always worked out perfectly, and I ended up wishing I’d left the old job sooner. It (almost) made me believe that crap people always say about situations like yours, that things always work out for the best.
As for books, what kind do you like? Something escapist? Mind-expanding? Trashy? I read like three books a week, all kinds, so I could come up with great suggestions in whatever genre you typically read.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
LOL that was a HIGHLY entertaining story. Don’t worry about the job. When it’s right, it’ll come.
Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..Please stand by…
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
The good news is that Ramen noodles are mighty tasty.
Noelles last blog post..Just one more day, okay?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
I think my head is going to explode from reading all that stuff! So, I’ll just say that I’m crying buckets o’ tears that I didn’t win the contest. (I’m lying, of course). And, I feel very confident in your ability to find a kick ass job ANY DAY NOW.
Oh, and I really want to see that video, so post it girl!
Jen on the Edges last blog post..Pretty feet
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
Ok, I might have to go home and change because I think I just peed from laughing so hard. As far as book recommendations–if you’re looking to laugh, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris is hilarious. If you’re into food and Italy, Under the Tuscan Sun (do NOT be deterred by the movie if you saw it, it had NOTHING to do with the book) is one of my favorites, I’ve read it multiple times. And I actually just finished the first Twilight book and it was pretty good after you got through the first few chapters. Hope that helps–and I KNOW the right job is comin’ at you!
Serendipitous Girls last blog post..Weekend ABC’s - S is for September & Snapshots of Stress
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Ooh, I love the conversation with the cop. I think I have done the same thing and ended with similar results.
JRMs last blog post..Open Letters, pt. 5
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Since I was at the party with Kristin, I can vouch for the weirdness of both dudes. I followed the weird, seemingly gay guy to the bar- mostly to get another vodka tonic- but also to inquire about his intentions. He told me he was into “living for the moment…” WHATEVER!
However, it was a great party and our Kristabella was getting a lot of attention from all sorts of dudes- weird and not so weird!
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I had my dates all messed up. I thought last week was your last week. Ok, so now I know…it’s this week.
I wish you luck this week. And I’m sending long distance vibes to the people at the job you want to call you and hire you.
Kristies last blog post..See what I bought? And other news.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Would it help if we all send emails to the company you want to work for, casually mentioning how awesome you are and how nuts they’d be if they let you get away?
I’m with Witchypoo on the book reccommending thing - Dean Koontz is great, and his last few have been more’mainstream’. Also, anything by Ben Elton.
Willows last blog post..79,000 forgotten words
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I feel the need to let you know I read this, even though I can’t think of a damned thing to say in reply. Because you basically sucked all the words out of the universe.
Candys last blog post..Crying Me A River
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
hmmmm….I’d really like to see the video..I love grilled cheese and feed it to my kids a lot….and you know you will get another job your a smarty…and telling a cop you were bruised OMG how many bottles did that take!?!
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I just finished reading the entire Twilight series. I was addicted!
Sarahs last blog post..Kelly Taylor’s Back!
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I’m reading The End Of The Alphabet and just finished the stupid Twilight books and The Last Sumemr (Of You And Me).
Scarlets last blog post..Peace The Fuck Out
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:40 pm
NEED TO SEE THAT VIDEO! Do you also do that intro part with the valley girls, you know, “Look at her butt. Is it sooo big. It’s just so out there…” etc.
I read a lot biographies, which I know is dull and musty, but hey, so am I.
Amandas last blog post..lunch, dinner, lunch
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Oh mah holy hell sweetie. When you make a comeback, you go all out, don’t you?!?
I love you. Come to Michigan and we can get drunk together and kick all of these fucking men/gay guys out of my house.
Rees last blog post..Later - Past in Polaroids 4
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I am so glad that you told that suburb job to shove it.
And stupid number generator, I deserve bacon!
regans last blog post..keeping busy
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I’m not talking to you until I see that video.
slynnros last blog post..Elsewhere. And also here.
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:31 am
Sigh.
I guess I will just put regular band-aids on my daughter’s cancer-scars.
hee
Beejs last blog post..Guest Blog
September 5th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
you crack me up. seriously…maybe you should be looking at stand up comedy? good luck, today was your last day, right? hang in there.
if you haven’t read The Poisonwood Bible, it totally rocks!!!!
janelles last blog post..Haiku Friday