It’s A Wonder Anyone Ever Gave Me A Job

Posted By on October 2, 2008

This week, my vacation was over. Yes, I’m still unemployed, but this week I decided I had to get down to business. The business of becoming gainfully employed before I burn my severance and unemployment money on new duvet covers or fake babies. (Please click on that link so I’m not the only one with nightmares.)

So this week I told myself “Self, this week it is all business. It is time to get to work and put your nose to the proverbial grindstone.” And surprisingly, Self listened. Self doesn’t usually listen. Like when I’m all “Self, you do NOT need to eat an entire pizza” or “Self, I think two bottles of wine is enough for this evening” or “Self, maybe you could work out so that all those clothes in your closet will fit.” Self NEVER listens then. Fucking Self is a bitch.

Monday was shot. I had some errands I HAD to run. I needed toilet paper. I needed deodorant. I needed toothpaste for the days I remembered to brush. But I figured I’d get my Target run out of the way at the beginning of the week and then spend the rest of the week attached to my laptop as a Job Applying Machine.

I forgot how fucking time-consuming that is. I spent six hours (SIX! HOURS!) on Tuesday just doing all the searches on all the different websites. My plan of action was to save all the jobs I found on Tuesday and then use Wednesday to apply for all those saved jobs.

So that’s just what I did today. It was spent applying for jobs. It wasn’t a ton, about 12 or so, but enough. Enough of them that I had to change cover letters for. So that I didn’t have a “INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE” mishap again.

Actually this time, my mishaps were much worse. Because I am lazy and distracted by Twitter and emails. On second thought, I can’t even blame being distracted. I just blame being lazy and trying to get it all done in a hurry so I could watch TV.

My first bonehead move was when I decided it was smart to have seven different Word documents open. All the documents started with “cover letter” and then were dash something. Like cover letter-dash-marketing. Well when I had tweaked the communications cover letter to perfection, I was ready to apply for my first job of the day. So I copied the text from perfected cover letter, pasted it into the window and hit apply. Done and done.

That was until I went to apply for the next job and realized that I copied and pasted a cover letter from July. For a TOTALLY DIFFERENT JOB. Let’s just assume I’m not going to be getting that job. That’s a lot harder to pass over than INSERT COMPANY NAME HERE.

That is bad enough. I mean, I’m only applying for a handful of jobs, my margin for error is quite low. But sadly, that wasn’t the worst or only mistake I made during the day.

I found a listing for a job online for a professional writer, writing about social media like blogging and Twitter and Facebook. When I read it I was like this can’t be for real! Someone wants to pay me to do the shit I already do in my spare time? Sign me up!

So I readied a new email message to send off to the HR Man. I attached my resume and a writing sample. As I was going to hit “attach” to give them another writing sample, I hit send. I SENT A BLANK EMAIL WITH ONLY MY RESUME ATTACHED. THAT WAS IT. Apparently when I say I have great attention to detail on my resume, I am LYING. Clearly.

Then I proceeded to freak the fuck out. I IMed Nic and was all “Fuuuuuuuck! HALP!” She laughed and then was like “dumbshit. Good look landing a job this century, you moron.” And then after I threatened physical violence because I’m like a foot taller than her, she told me just to send another email. And pretend the first one didn’t even exist. So that’s what I did. And I’m sure that HR Man is getting quite a laugh out of it. Too bad I could totally do that job, even if they specifically said no snarky writing. I can be non-snarky. I’m not always Full of Snark. But I am always full of something.


In other news, who watches Pushing Daisies? Please tell me that one of you out there does and watched the premiere on Wednesday. Because what the fuck? I know it has been almost a year, but they totally just abandoned the cliffhanger from the end of the first season. Ned and Chuck weren’t even talking to each other. Ned didn’t even know where she was. Now, right off the bat, they are talking and everything is fine and back to normal? HOW? Are you just pretending the first season didn’t exist? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! Hopefully one of you out there can rant with me.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


32 Responses to “It’s A Wonder Anyone Ever Gave Me A Job”

  1. Molly says:

    Make sure you check out – its like the Google of job search boards – and they pull from everywhere!

    Mollys last blog post..I STILL Heart Donnie Wahlberg

  2. slynnro says:

    I fuck up pretty much every cover letter I send. It is impossible for me to succeed.

    slynnros last blog post..Name That Dog!

  3. ali says:

    i think you need to hire an editor to help you through this job applying process. i know a good one.

    alis last blog pie?

  4. I can not even tell you the number of times I’ve done those exact things while applying for jobs.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..Sarah Palin Pants

  5. Candy says:

    I am convinced I can never leave this job I have and got through an INTERVIEW…like without applying on line and shit like that…because there’s no way I could comply with all the requirements. I wish you luck, and am just happy it’s you and not me.

    Those babies were on the Today show yesterday. Freaked. My. Shit. Out.

    Candys last blog post..Where’s Flylady when I need her?

  6. This post made me momentarily thankful to not be writing resumes. Then a co-worker came in drenched in toner ink and said, “Someone broke the copy machine”.

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  7. -R- says:

    I hate cover letters so much. I am not sure that anyone actually reads them though. I got the job I have now despite a typo on my resume, so I have hope for you!

    -R-s last blog post..I Love Lamp

  8. Melissa says:

    Good luck with the job search. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that fucks those things up.

    As for PD…I have it tivo’d but I haven’t watched it yet. It’s been such a long time I don’t even remember where they left off….maybe they were hoping no one did…

    Melissas last blog post..Thursday Thirteen or 13 Times When You Probably Shouldn’t Wear a Bikini…

  9. Amber says:

    If it’s any consolation to you at all, I get loads of cover letters from writers looking for jobs (this confuses me because, er, I’m not hiring, but anyway…) and hardly ANYONE manages to get through the letter without making at least one major mistake. Most people make several. They probably won’t notice – in fact, if the recruiters are human at all, they’ve probably done similar things themselves…

    Ambers last blog post..A new way to stalk me. Because stalking is fun!

  10. Noelle says:

    Thankfully I actually forgot the way Pushing Daisies ended last season, so I wasn’t angry. But now that you mention it… That was totally wrong! I have heard that they were changing things around to give it a broader appeal. I guess starting with a cliffhanger didn’t lead to that. Damn.

    Noelles last blog post..I tried to sleep my way to the top: but my alarm clock always wakes me right up

  11. Ree says:

    Pushing Daisies! Yes. And with the writer’s strike and my short attention span, I didn’t see the cliffhanger last year, so I didn’t know.

    Thanks – now I’m disappointed. 😉

    Rees last blog post..Perfect Post – September

  12. “A magnet may be attached inside the mouth for a magnetic pacifier. Additional enhancements may include a magnetically attached “umbilical cord”, magnetic hair bow, a battery powered heartbeat simulator, breathing simulator, and heat packs.”


    SELF, you must stop clicking on links when Kristen tells you they will give you nightmares.

  13. Scarlet says:

    My self needs to look for jobs, too. But I fear getting offered one I’ll hate and feeling like I have to take it. I’m picky.

    Scarlets last blog post..Well Read

  14. They did the same thing with Entourage! One season Ari has 3 kids and the next he has 2. And no one EVER mentions the third kid. It’s weird!!

    the coconutdiariess last blog post..I Don’t Want A President With A Bucket List

  15. Evil Genius says:

    I LOVE MS Outlook, ’cause as long as you catch your boo boo right away, you can recall the originaly email and replace it with the correct one (so long as the recipient has read it). I’d be lost without it!

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..I’m the New Meth

  16. That doll is just all kinds of wrong.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Book mania

  17. Rhi says:

    Okay, is that the thing you all were talking about on Twitter the other night?

    Also, I think I quit Pushing Daisies. I forgot to record it and well, I have too many shows.

    Rhis last blog post..You know what annoys me? Vehicular Edition

  18. Ann Marie says:

    I thought something seemed off about yesterday’s premiere. Now I’m mad.

    Ann Maries last blog post..Eat, Drink and Be Sherry!

  19. Elle Charlie says:

    Oh, I missed Pushing Daisies! Oh well. I don’t think I set TiVo to get it either. Sigh.

    I love the bedding, but the reborn baby stuff really freaked me out… thanks for sharing 😉

    Elle Charlies last blog post..7 Quirks

  20. Lara says:

    I once sent a cover letter to a dude whose name was Bennett Aaron, except I addressed it, “Dear Mr. Barrett.”


    The worst was that the jackass emailed to tell me that perhaps I should remove the line on my resume where I claimed to be detail-oriented. Hahahaha.

    Laras last blog post..Books, music, and baking – woo!

  21. Sarah says:

    That website with the babies totally creeped me out. I hate them! Have you seen the ones they make out of sugar and put on cakes? Like I’d ever want to eat what looks like a creepy dead baby cake. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

    Sarahs last blog post..Grumpy and Sleep Deprived

  22. Wow, so, no thanks for that link to “reborn babies.” The purple in the undercoat paint was seeping through to “give a bruised look”? Now when I check behind the shower curtain for the two dead girls from The Shining, I will be checking for one of these.

    Amanda Nicoles last blog post..dancing with myself

  23. anne says:

    Also laid off. Also EFFED up a resume this week. Sent the wrong one to a firm that it was so obvious I cut and pasted and paid not a lick of attention to, well to anything. Guess I’m not getting that job.

    annes last blog post..I’m on a Roll and Well Rested

  24. Issy says:

    No, I didn’t watch Pushing Daisies yet. I recorded it because I finally broke down and got that damned Twilight book and read that for 5 hours instead of watching TV.

    But I had forgotten the ending too, so I guess it won’t bother me too much.

  25. Kristie says:

    I LOVE Pushing Daisies. I wanna dress like Chuck on a daily basis.

    I don’t get why they bypassed all that stuff too, but maybe that’s why Chuck moved out.

    Kristies last blog post..A real blog this time. Maybe.

  26. Angella says:

    It’s been so long since I dealt with a cover letter, that I know I would bung it up. You at least do it with humor.

    Angellas last blog post..Super Trouper*

  27. Carrisa says:

    I’m a huge Pushing Daisies fan, and if my memory serves me right Chuck and Ned made up at the end of season 1. At her parents gravesite.

    And good luck on finding a job. Maybe someone will find your resume errors humorous and decide to call you in anyways! It’s totally possible.

  28. Lys says:

    Not to freak you out, but I can say at the 9to5 here, if one makes a typo on the resumes, the “wolves” toss that one into the shredder. Then again, they have nothing better to do sometimes (or maybe it’s just one particular wolf *LOL*)

    I’m sure you’ll find something soon 🙂 Just hang in there.

    Lyss last blog post..Can He Buy A Clue, A Gal Wonders…

  29. DM says:

    WTF does anyone want a fake baby for? That is the strangest, oddest, scariest thing I have ever seen. Now that duvet was seriously cute though.

    I hope you find a new job soon. And I only laughed a little over the email. Mainly because I’ve done it myself.

    DMs last blog post..Birds are our friends

  30. Beckie says:

    In case you haven’t found a job just yet, I saw this this morning and thought of you:

    I’m only sad that I wasn’t contacted to help with all the analyzing (read: tasting!!)

  31. Marianne says:

    Um, hi… Can we have coffee or something before you’re all super busy and stuff? I’m sorry I’ve fallen off the earth, but I still think you’re awesome.

    Mariannes last blog post..Go Sox!

  32. rye says:

    Hahaha! Your SELF and my SELF must have been separated at birth! OMG, and I totally saw those freaky ass dolls on the Today show … what is WRONG with people?! (Yeah, I know. I watch the Today show. Shut up.)

    ryes last blog post..let this be a lesson