Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 29, 2009

I didn’t post last night. It was partly because I had to go grocery shopping after work because I didn’t have a chance to go to the store on Sunday, my normal shopping day, because I was busy entertaining her and her demands of food and TV and a place to sleep. So I got home a little later last night, still had a suitcase to unpack (ahem, STILL HAVE a suitcase to unpack), had dishes and laundry to take care of. Also, I was still exhausted. BlogHer 2009 wore my ass out! And I ended up in bed before 9 PM. So no blog post for me!

I also didn’t post because I am out of ideas. Well, I have a few things in mind, but I wasn’t feeling it last night. Mostly because I may have fallen asleep on the couch before 8 PM.

Thankfully the Blog Gods smiled upon me. Because as I was pulling into my parking space tonight, I saw this.

I know what you’re thinking and NO, that is not a dead body in a parking space of my condo.

What it is, though, is a DRUNK BUM SLEEPING IN A PARKING SPACE AT MY CONDO! IN THE SPOT NEXT TO MINE! Like my spot is to the left in that photo. Which means my car door? OPENED RIGHT NEAR HIM! I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO JUMP IN MY CAR AS I WAS GETTING OUT FOR A COMFIER PLACE TO SLEEP! SERIOUSLY! I DEBATED GETTING OUT THE PASSENGER SIDE!

People, I do NOT live in the ghetto. Not even close. It may not be Rahm Emanuel’s neighborhood, where I used to live, but I would hope my friends who know where I live would back me up and say NOT THE GHETTO! So why is there a bum sleeping in a parking spot? When there is a nice grassy knoll not far from where he sleeps?

(I should have woken him from his slumber to ask him this. But then I would have lost a chance to snap his photo. All stealth-like, of course, because you know what they say about waking a sleeping bum. DO NOT DO IT.)

Also, why was I afraid of a bum who was so shitfaced I could have literally pushed him over with my finger? Because he didn’t even flinch when I pulled into the parking lot. And he’s lucky I didn’t run him over because I don’t generally scan the parking lot for PASSED OUT BUMS!

And, have I asked, WHY WAS THERE A BUM SLEEPING IN MY PARKING LOT? NEXT TO MY CAR?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, The Hizzouse | 28 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 27, 2009

So I had all these grand plans last week to write a witty, charming post before the actual BlogHer conference so that everyone I gave my business card out to could come to my blog and get a better idea who I was from reading something other than a Death Is Not An Option post where I ask you to pick gross people to sleep with.

But alas, that didn’t happen. Because I had a thousand things to do before I headed down to the hotel to have dinner with the lovely Angella, one of my most favorite people in the world, Wednesday night before the madness started. And after dinner, Ali came to town and the madness began! Good madness, though!

(Photo borrowed from Angella)

I could talk about a thousand different things that happened over the weekend. I could talk about all the alcohol I ingested. I could talk about all the awesome parties. I could talk about the shitty wireless connection in the entire hotel. I could talk about all the awesome people I met, who I’m too lazy to link too. I could talk about how awesome it was to see all my friends and wish we had more time to hang out.

But my biggest BlogHer moment came on Friday morning while sitting in a session about TMI blogging. As soon as I sat down, I saw a person who looked really familiar. And not like I had seen her on a blog familiar. Like someone I knew in real life familiar. I wracked my brain and finally about halfway through the session, figured it was a girl who used to work for my dad. Like I was sure as sure can be. Except, I couldn’t remember her name. I thought it was Tracey, but it had been like 13 years since I had seen her, so I couldn’t be quite sure.

During the session, I Twittered Tutugirl, who happened to be sitting right next to her, and asked if she could lean over and check out her name tag. Because of the craptastic internet service in the hotel, I didn’t get her message. So Tutugirl looked like a crazy person staring at a stranger’s chest for nothing. Thanks anyway, though!

After the session, I figured I had to at least ask. So I tapped her on the shoulder and was like “this is going to sound like a weird thing to say…but I think you used to work for my dad.” And then I showed her my name tag and it was her and we hugged and it was awesome. I couldn’t believe it, still can’t believe it that it was her. That we both live in the Chicago area and we have to go to a blogging conference, a conference with 1,500 people, to run into each other. What are the odds?

I unfortunately had to be the one to tell her that my dad is dead and I said it with no sadness at all because, as I mentioned to her later, he turned into an asshole after she stopped working for him. But she was upset because she remembers only the good man. And I’m jealous because I wish I could too only have those memories. And maybe that had a little something to do with my drinking lots of alcohol that day. For so many reasons that I probably will never go into on this blog.

But I’m so happy to have run into her and have added her blog into my feed reader. Her kids are adorable and she married her boyfriend from all those years ago and now we’re both bloggers! What a crazy world, right?

(Photo borrowed from Tracey)

Other highlights from the weekend:

• FINALLY meeting Darcey!

(Photo borrowed from Ali)

• I’ve “known” Darcey probably since I started blogging. I think we met back in the days of MamaPop Talk when we would both always comment on the same things. And then we were moderators together. And now we talk almost every single day over IM/email. We’re so twins – both tall, both love sports, both love alcohol. I am so happy to have finally met her in person and I love her to pieces. Honestly, I can’t thank her enough for just being there for me this past weekend to listen and talk me down from a ledge.
• Meeting Tutugirl! She’s so nice and cute. I met her Thursday night when she came up to the group I was standing in, which happened to include Jen Lancaster. So Jen said hi to her and then they chatted. And then she said to me “I actually came over to talk to you.” And I’m pretty sure that will be the ONLY time that ever happens.
• Jen Lancaster dropping her drink ticket from the MamaPop party on the floor and promptly noticing there were like five other tickets strewn about. This lead me to yelling “it’s like fucking Christmas!”
• Having dinner with a lovely bunch of ladies on Saturday night, including one who lives in Chicago! We’re so going to play trivia soon and take a pole dancing class together! She even told me the mystery surrounding the stupid tree mascot from Stanford.
• Poppy Buxom’s fabulous party on the rooftop of a high rise with fabulous views of the city. By far the BEST party of BlogHer and the only reason to miss the Cheeseburgher party.
• Finally getting to meet Halushki, who I think is one of the funniest writers ever, and having her tell me she thinks the same thing about me and just feeling so flattered.
• Getting to spend the day Sunday decompressing with my good friend Heather. We laughed a lot. We had ice cream shakes. I got her hooked on Big Brother. We saw Harry Potter, which was great. The best part being right at the end of the movie when Heather screamed at me “DID YOU KNOW HOW THIS WAS GOING TO END?” And then I laughed because I thought she had read the books and DAMN that’s a big shock when you don’t know it is coming. And then I laughed at her some more.
• She also didn’t make fun of me for my dirty house and my annoying cats. It’s nice to wind down from a conference like this with someone who was there and could understand what the fuck you were talking about.
• I won a label maker! I can’t wait to get it! Think of the blog posts! I can label my cats’ thoughts! It will be great! Bacon will have a visual voice!
• Meeting so many of my blog readers, writers of blogs I read and all my Twitter peeps! There are too many to name them all, but every single person I met was nice and awesome!
• And so many more things I’m probably forgetting!

Overall, it was a good weekend and I’m happy that I went. It changed a lot from last year to this year, ask the people who got elbowed in the face for swag. But overall, I think no matter how big it gets, how many sponsors are around, how big the BlogHer Trade Show is, we’re all going to keep going because it’s the easiest way to see all of our friends, all in the same place. And really, we go to see the people, our friends, our community. Not for fucking trinkets.

Category: BlawgHer | 32 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 21, 2009

Hey! Do you know what we haven’t done in awhile? DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION!

I just looked in my archives and the last time I did one of these was in October. That is far too long to go with thinking about disgusting people to sleep with. Plus my mom keeps harassing me to do one. She is disappointed every day when it is not DINAO. And I’m pretty sure half the people that now read my blog have NO idea what I’m talking about.

The object of the game is when given the choice of two people below, you have to pick which of the two you would rather have sex with. The fun part being that death is not an option and you have to pick one! Believe me, sometimes death is the only option. You can see all the other rounds here.

Without further ado, in honor of our new Supreme Court Justice, I give you…

Round 12 – The Famous Judges Edition

The TV Judge Edition

Judge Wapner vs. Judge Joe Brown

The Old Lady Judge Edition

Judge Judy vs. Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The Supreme Court Ladies Edition

Judge Sonia Sotomayor vs. Judge Sandra Day O’Connor

The I-Don’t-Even-Know-Who-These-Judges-Are Edition

AKA The Chocolate vs. Vanilla Edition

Judge Greg Mathis vs. Judge Mills Lane

The African American Edition

Thurgood Marshall vs. Clarence Thomas

The Reality TV Judge Edition

Simon  Cowell vs. Tom Colicchio

There you have it! Leave your votes in the comments!

Remember, death is NOT an option. If you choose death, you will be asked to leave Kristabellikstan to never return or be required to have sex with Larry King. Your choice. Remember there is FREE BOOZE AND CUPCAKES in Kristabellikstan. Choose wisely.

Category: Death is Not an Option | 25 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 20, 2009

A few weeks ago when I was bored on a Friday night (actually it was the Thursday before the 4th of July holiday so it just felt like a Friday, especially after recently being in New Orleans) I decided to rent a movie. It was the second time I attempted to rent a Pay-Per-View movie in my new place. I had previously tried to rent He’s Just Not That Into You a few weeks before this, but something went haywire with Dish Network and it didn’t work. Thankfully all I had to do was call and they refunded my money. Little did I know that Dish Network was trying to save me the PAIN and SUFFERING of watching this fucking trainwreck of a motion picture.

I don’t have sophisticated movie tastes. (Or sophisticated music tastes since I found out this weekend that I like the same songs as eight year old girls.) I like entertaining movies. I love romantic comedies, I like action movies, I like comedies, especially slapstick humor, like people falling down. I will really watch anything as long as I’m entertained.

So I figured that even though He’s Just Not That Into You got some bad reviews, I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I mean, it’s like an all-star freaking cast. And really, Ben Affleck and Bradley Cooper? What could be so wrong with two hours of staring at manly eye candy?

EVERYTHING COULD BE WRONG WITH IT.

It was a good thing I was drinking when I was watching it, otherwise I might have done myself bodily harm, like stabbing myself in the ear drums so I wouldn’t have to listen to it anymore. Because I HAD to finish it. I paid like four fucking dollars for it.

So I did what any normal, drunk single girl does on a Pseudo-Friday night, I took to Twitter.

This was about 20 minutes into the movie. The character that Ginnifer Goodwin played, she needs better friends. I could never let my girlfriends be that stupid. I could never watch them act like complete nutjobs when it comes to men. I would have to intervene. I would have to tell them “You’re doing it WRONG. So, so wrong.” (Says the girl watching the movie alone on a Friday night.)

Sadly, it didn’t get much better.

I understand the premise of the movie and I do think that the book probably has some good points. I mean, really, we’ve all been like these women, haven’t we? We’ve been needy, called or emailed when we shouldn’t. We’ve supported our friends, saying things like “I’m sure he is just busy.” Or “I bet something came up and he hasn’t had a chance to call.” I get all of these things, I understand that these things are wrong and we don’t like to face facts.

But on the other hand, your heart always rules over your head. And it’s something we all have to do and experience to realize “yep, that book was right. He was so not into me.” Because until we figure it out for ourselves, it doesn’t matter. Barack Obama could tell us that we had to do it one way, yet we’d still rebel like a bunch of grounded teenagers and do the exact opposite.

This movie, though, was just so over the top. And Bradley Cooper, YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG! (I mean, in this movie. I’m sure you’re actually quite lovely in real life.) (Scratch that, US Weekly tells me that indeed you might be kind of a douche. That must have been an easy role to play then, wasn’t it?)

But really, what do I know? I mean, I’m sitting here on my couch having a conversation with my two cats. And apparently it is quite one-sided since they won’t tell me how their day was. I think they’re still pissed I went away for the weekend.

So tell me, have you seen He’s Just Not That Into You? What did you think?

Category: Movies | 41 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 19, 2009

This coming week is the annual BlogHer conference. I went last year for the first time (despite BlogHer ’07 being IN CHICAGO) and had an awesome time. Going into the event, I think I had met just two other bloggers who were going to be in attendance at BlogHer last year in San Francisco – Heather B. and Sarah. And both of those bloggers I met in the week before the conference.

So I went into the whole thing knowing, in person, two people out of over a thousand. It was a tad intimidating. Now granted I “knew” other people through reading their blogs and emailing with them, but sometimes (as I learned at BlogHer last year) there are people that are different online than they are in real life.

Thankfully my roommates were not like those people. They were exactly like they were online, exactly how they were on their blogs and over email. One of my roommates was Ali, who I’ve mentioned here before plenty of times. She’s one of those people that you meet and become friends with and when people say “why do you blog?” I say “to meet people like Ali Martell.”

This weekend I drove up to Wisconsin to go visit her. She rented out her house in Toronto a few weeks too early before her upcoming move to Atlanta, so she’s crashing with her mom for a few weeks. And since she’s just a short drive from me, I could not not go up to see her. Plus, Slynnro and I were convinced her kids were fake, so I needed to go make sure for myself.

Leading up to my visit, which I was far too excited about because I talked about it way too much on Twitter, I IMed her about 100 questions because I didn’t want to impose.

Me: So when you get settled, let me know what the plan is for the weekend!

Ali: No, you tell me! Also, my mom is religious (Jewish) so you have to be aware of that.

Me: I don’t even know what that means. Like I shouldn’t show up with a pound of Bacon?

Ali: Like between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday we can’t use electricity, can’t drive, a can’t leave type of thing.

Me: Oh! Like Metalia!

Ali: Yes! Exactly like that!

And then I thought “thank God for Metalia’s Ask A Jew series.” Because otherwise I would have had NO idea what she was talking about and would have been in for QUITE A SHOCK.

Well, I kind of was anyway.

So I got up there on Saturday afternoon and wasn’t expecting a house full of people. Who were all dressed nice because they went to Synagogue. And I was in jeans and flip flops. And also Catholic.

Emily, her eldest daughter, met me at the door. And then Ali whisked me into a side room to debrief me. Because Ali also didn’t realize people were going to be over either. Also, she was trying not to overwhelm me, so we chatted while everyone in the dining room prayed and did something with water and bread and didn’t talk. She told me it was just best to walk in after all of that and I wasn’t going to disagree.

The food was great! I tried all sorts of traditional Jewish food. I am not even going to attempt to tell you what they were or try to spell them, but I will just tel you they were yummy. One was a kind of meat stew. The other one was a noodle casserole thingy. And I’m pretty sure Ali and Metalia are dying laughing at me right now.

Now, the most difficult thing about Shabbat is that you can’t really leave the house. And you can’t use electricity. And you’re supposed to rest. Now, I’m all for resting. But I was also there to visit with Ali. And Ali was trying to make sure her kids’ heads didn’t explode because no TV for 25 hours is a long fucking time, especially for little kids because they don’t understand.

So we played in the sand and we built sand castles. Bella talked about her baby in her belly. We played cards. We did melty beads. We played games. We laughed. A LOT. I plied them with candy so that they would fall in love with me. (I think they liked me. I got hugs! And also Miss Emily did not make fun of my clothes and also wanted me to stay ALL WEEK! SQUEE!) (For those of you that don’t read Ali’s site (WHICH YOU SHOULD!) Emily is 8 going on 18. And quite the fashionista.)

The whole weekend was like watching Ali’s blog come to life. If anyone ever thought she exaggerates about anything, she does not. Emily really is a performer. She’s a really great singer and she loves to dance and show off for you. She even wanted to teach me the Hannah Montana Hoedown Throwdown, which has Grammy winning lyrics like “side to side, diagonal.”

I told Emily that when she’s famous (because she will be because she’s so talented and just destined to be a performer, that’s how good she is at EIGHT) that she has to remember me. She told me she would “go on my mom’s blog and thank all my friends, including Kristin, blah, blah, blah.”

Hit ’em up early, I say. So she can invite me to the Oscar’s or the Tony’s one day.

I had a great time with everyone, including Ali’s brother, mom and stepdad, who happens to be the Mayor. I told Ali’s mom that I would tell everyone how I stayed in the Mayor’s mansion (not really, just a house) and witnessed all sorts of Mayoraly stuff. Also, if I was the Mayor, I would mention that in every conversation. Like if someone asked me why, I would say “because I’m the Mayor.” Even if it had nothing to do with the conversation. Because I’m the Mayor so I can interject whatever I like.

We went to brunch today with the whole family, did a little shopping with Emily and then spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Jonas Brothers TV show on Disney. I dare you to watch two minutes of that show and try to turn away. Both girls were playing outside and yet Ali and I never reached to change the channel. I think I figured out the reason all these Disney stars are so popular with kids – clearly they are pumping subliminal messages through their programs. How else do you explain me being kind of sad I was missing the Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place and Suite Life On Deck crossover?? BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD TV.

It was really a great, great visit. I’m really happy that I get to see Ali again in four days. Because we don’t live close enough to each other and I don’t get to see her enough. So I’m excited about being able to hang out with her again in a few short days.

Blogging is really one of the best things I’ve ever done. I started it just to write and waste time at work. I never thought it would turn into this community, this family, these close friends. Meeting people like Ali and being lucky to have her as a friend is why I do this, why I go to these conferences to mingle with 1,300 other strangers, why I share my life on the interwebs. Because I would have never had met so many awesome people in my real life.

Category: All Things Blogging, BlawgHer, Gotta Have Friends | 18 Comments »
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