Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on August 11, 2009

My lack of posting has been due to the fact that when I’m awake, I’m exhausted enough to be asleep. Like last night when I went to bed at 8:45 and tonight when I may have fallen asleep on the couch watching TV with my laptop open on my lap. Apparently these guys are very influential. (Please don’t eat them, Jennster.)

But as much as I don’t like to post something just to post, I know if I go any longer without posting, I’m going to give it up altogether. (Can I use the word post any more in one sentence? Geez.) So I’m forcing myself to write, and asking you to help me make some decisions with my furniture. It’s a win-win! For everyone! Or just me.

So I’m currently looking for a linen cabinet to put in my bedroom. In my last apartment, I had this really nice built in linen cabinet where I put sheets and towels and stored miscellaneous/extra bathroom items. And because I don’t have something like that in my condo, I’m on the hunt for something like that to use for storage and MAYBE get some damn boxes out of the entryway. It’s only been three damn months since I moved in.

Last Friday I took a trip to IKEA to see what they had as options. Since I drive a small Nissan Sentra, I wasn’t planning on buying anything that day, I just needed to look around and see my options in person, and not just online. Plus there is also a futon thing I’m looking at there that I needed to see in person (and now need to measure the bedroom wall to make sure it will fit).

Here is one option for the linen storage thingy.

It’s actually from the children’s furniture, but it totally will serve the purpose I need.

Here’s option two:

It would force me to keep it neat since people can SEE IN IT.

Here’s the dilemma. My bedroom furniture is all light wood. It’s a dresser, nightstand and TV stand. None of it matches, it’s not part of a set. My dresser was the main piece I built around because it’s awesome and tall and holds a ton of stuff.

So I’m worried about things not matching. Would it be weird to get a white or yellow cabinet that doesn’t match? Also, would it be weird to have white bedroom furniture, because I kind of want to get this as a TV stand now.

White furniture totally screams children’s room, doesn’t it? I had white furniture as a kid. I should stop shopping in the children’s section of IKEA and just get the yellow cabinet, huh? I just don’t know. GAH! Can you help me? What do you suggest? A whole new bedroom set? (HAHAHAHA!)

Feel free to leave other ideas (with links, preferably) in the comments.

Category: Halp, The Hizzouse | 43 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 6, 2009

Hi, my name is Kristin and I’m a reality show addict.

I was thinking today, after not sleeping at all last night, for the third night in a row, that maybe it isn’t the lack of sleep that has made me dumb and unable to function, maybe it is all the reality television I watch that has rotted my brain.

So come with me, and embark on a really sad journey. A journey that will make me realize I may spend far too much time in front of the television. Come commiserate (hopefully) with me and tell me I’m not the only one who watches these shows.

1) The Real World. I don’t even have to mention what season. (This one is in Cancun, by the way, and it is FABULOUS!) I watch every season. Every time a new season premieres I tell myself I won’t watch it, but then I get sucked in and cannot stop. Then about halfway through each season, I punch myself in the neck and ask myself WHY I am watching this show and WHY am I getting so invested in these stupid peoples’ lives? And WHY was I so pissed that stupid Mark from the Aftershow RUINED the show for me last night because I happened to be watching live and he told us in a commercial break that Joey would be on the Aftershow, his first appearance since getting kicked out of the house. And then we returned to the episode and JOEY WAS STILL IN THE HOUSE! WAY TO RUIN IT FOR ME, MARK! (Also, if I just ruined it for any of you I’m a) not sorry because now you know how it feels and b) why are we still watching this crap. Also c) Jasmine is an idiot. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU, HONEY!)

2) Real Chance of Love. Most people probably don’t even know what this is. Real and Chance were on I Love New York, who was on Flavor of Love. And now Real and Chance (who are brothers and part of the Stallionaires, which is a lame as it sounds) are trying to find love on a reality television show. I will point out that this is the second season of this show. And I’m sad to admit I’ve watched so much of this crap so far.

3) Top Chef Masters. This show I love and you should ALL be watching it. I didn’t think I would enjoy it this much, but whoever at Bravo came up with this idea is a GENIUS! (Except for the idiot who thought Kelly Choi was a good choice as a host.) Watching these award winning chefs work under the constraints and time limits that normal Top Chef contestants go through really makes you admire all the past Top Chef contestants a lot more. If Rick Bayless struggles, it CANNOT be easy. Also, the sportsmanship (which is not the right word in COOKING) is impressive. They are all willing to help each other out. They want it to be a fair competition and are not willing to see their fellow chefs fail.

4) Daisy of Love. If VH1 puts a show on the air with “of Love” in the title, I will watch it. This one already ended, but I need to discuss with others out there. Please tell me one of you watched this. Also, if any of you know where Flex lives, please tell me because he’s yummy. Why was there no reunion show? What happened with London?

(INTERMISSION: I feel even dumber for writing this all down. It is no longer secret. And I might be a little embarrassed that I put this much stock into these shows and the lives of these people. Also, I haven’t even touched the surface. This post is just a small fraction of what I watch, reality television-wise. SAD. I KNOW.)

And we’re back!

5) Big Brother 11. I have watched every season of this. Back about three seasons ago, I got Jen Lancaster hooked on it. She’s either really happy about that, or would like to punch me in the gut. I didn’t like this season that much at first, but now I love it! If you watch, feel free to have a discussion in the comments about how hot Jeff is and his dreamy blue eyes. Swoooooon.

6) Real Housewives. Of anywhere. If you are not watching the Atlanta version, start. Now. It just started back up again last week. It is the trashiest of the Real Housewives shows, which is why I love it the most. I’m going to Atlanta in September (booked my trip yesterday! CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!) and I will be expecting Darcey or Ali to drive me past their houses or somehow run into them somewhere. Preferably NeNe.

7) Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. This is one of the best reality shows around. There is a reason why she’s won like three Emmys. Bitch is funny. And her episode last week focusing on Prop 8 HATE was amazing and very touching. The episode where her mom updated her “FacePlace” page was classic! Also when she took Bette Midler to some off-the-strip casino in  Vegas for fried Oreos. Do not miss this show!

I’m going to stop here. But I will tell you that I have dates on my calendar marked for the premieres of Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project, Project Runway and Top Chef Las Vegas. And I know what you’re thinking and the answer is a big fat YES. And the question? Will I watch anything Bravo airs.

So tell me your dirty reality show secrets. What are your favorites? Which ones are you a wee bit ashamed to admit you watch or have watched? Please tell me I’m not alone in my obsessions! PLEASE!

Category: All Things TV | 48 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 5, 2009

I’m exhausted today. I will be heading to bed early because I can barely keep my eyes open. And it’s all because I had a horrible night’s sleep last night.

First it started when I couldn’t fall asleep. I was tossing and turning, despite being dead-ass tired. Because I was stressing about my condo. And how I’ve done nothing to it since moving in. Complete with the boxes in the entryway that have been there SINCE MAY. And I told myself that I was going to get some stuff done in August and really start to make this house a home. Because it’s mine and I love it and I want to make it look nice. I don’t want to have boxes stacked in the entryway anymore. (Although most of the boxes now are the boxes that need to go down to storage and well, I’m just way too lazy to just actually take them downstairs. Which means, I guarantee you, that my storage unit that I was assigned has probably been taken. I should just go put a damn lock on it. “If it’s your storage unit then you shoulda put a lock on it.” “Pop, lock your storage unit.”)

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep once I started thinking about ALL I had to do. And how I agreed to host book club in August and AARRGGHHH! I need to get shit taken care of.

Once I finally fell asleep, I was good until about 4 AM. That’s when I woke up after having a horrible dream. In the dream, I was continuously coming up a flight of stairs and coming upon my apartment and finding it unlocked. It was an outdoor apartment, so the door was outside right by the top of the staircase. It had an olive green door. And a big picture window right next to the doorway. There was never actual glass in the window.

In the dream, this happened twice. The first time, I came upon my open apartment door and noticed nothing was missing from my apartment. And in the dream, I seemed to calm down, since I had everything I owned and maybe I had just left the door unlocked and the wind blew the door open. (Because clearly in my dreams, this is a reasonable explanation.)

After this, something else probably happened in my dream, but all I remember is walking up the stairs again and AGAIN coming upon an open front door to this apartment that was mine. And something in the dream told me something wasn’t right. Like I had an overwhelming sense of dread come over me and I bolted awake. And when I woke up, I was panicky and totally felt out of sorts. When I put my head back down and closed my eyes, I saw that open olive green door of that apartment I had that feeling of dread all over again.

Needless to say, I was up for a little bit after that. I went to the bathroom, checked around my apartment for Boogy Men, checked on the cats, thought of Twittering. Finally, who knows how many minutes later, I laid back down and tried to go back to bed. I forced myself to dream of unicorns and rainbows and having Robert Pattinson as my man slave. It seemed to work and I woke up the next time when the alarm went off, which was playing that stupid fucking Lottery Dream commercial that Illinois Lottery has on the radio. And if you live here and listen to the radio, you know what I’m talking about. I would like to drop-kick Beth and her stupid fucking lottery dream, including the singing cabana boy, to Uranus. (I realize 98% of you have no idea what I’m talking about. Be thankful for that.)

So I’m a bit tired today (and clearly a bit agitated and irritable) because of that wack-ass dream that woke me up. I just really hope it isn’t foreshadowing and someone is really going to break into my apartment.

WAY TO GO BRAIN! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SLEEPING TONIGHT AND NOW I WILL BE LISTENING FOR PEOPLE BREAKING IN! AWESOME! YOU FUCKING RULE!

So can any of you analyze that dream for me? What’s the worst bad dream you have ever had that jolted you awake?

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In other news, I wanted to update you on the homeless man in the parking space.

Apparently he turned into a parakeet*:

Bye, bye birdie.

*I shit you not, there was a fucking parakeet in the SAME parking spot as the homeless man. The little guy seemed very scared and I didn’t know what to do with him. I looked for him later and he was gone, so I hope someone found him and gave him a good home. Lord knows he wouldn’t have lasted 20 minutes in mine.

Category: Land of Random | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 3, 2009

Last year at BlogHer in San Francisco, Bacon did not make an appearance. I think he came out of the bag once and even took a photo with someone (anyone? Did you take a photo with Bacon last year?). But he spent the majority of the time in my laptop bag, only experiencing BlogHer through the stories he heard when we were in the room.

This year Bacon threatened me to not let that happen again this year. That I HAD to take him along and actually take him out of the bag and introduce him to his loyal fans. He basically told me if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be part of this blog anymore. And I told him “I do not take idle threats from a MEAT FOLDER. So shut your fucking meat face, sir.”

The following is his account of the BlogHer weekend. That he again spent inside my laptop bag the entire weekend. I’m letting him share his story so that he stops telling me to “Sizzle” and “Put the B in BLT”.

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Hi-dee-ho, Kristabella readers, it’s Bacon here. And Bacon is about to tell you the sob stories of all sob stories. About how Bacon could have been fawned over and regaled by over 1,000 people and yet, Bacon wasn’t even allowed out of the computer bag. FOR SHAME, KRISTABELLA! FOR SHAME.

So in case you were wondering, this is where Bacon spent the whole weekend of BlogHer 2009:

It was CRAMPED! And hot! And Bacon was thirsty (he is a salty, cured meat you know) and hungry and all Bacon wanted was some attention! CUE THE WAH-MBULANCE!

Bacon was so excited to make an appearance this year. This was like Bacon’s cotillion! Bacon was going to be presented to society! Of blogging-type people!

But noooooo. Bacon missed out on it all. Bacon missed out on hanging with all the fabulous ladies that shared a room with Bacon and Kristabella. Bacon even heard that two of them didn’t really eat Bacon, which automatically made them BACON’S FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET! Bacon representing for Kosher Jews everywhere! Holla!

Bacon would hear them laughing and telling stories and having a grand old time, just PRAYING that Bacon would get to come out and join the party. But did Bacon get to come out? NO. Bacon was STUCK! And then they would leave and it would get really quiet and sometimes that cleaning lady would get a little fresh with Bacon. BACON IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF MEAT, LADIES! Um, well, yeah.

After getting fondled by Luisa the cleaning woman (hola, mi amor), the ladies would come back and laugh some more and eat chocolate Chex and talk about clothes. And then they’d change and be off again. Probably to eat because one of them is gluten-free, whatever that means. In a quick Google search, Bacon discovered that a certain salty, cured meat is gluten-free. BACON, FTW!

(Bacon didn’t actually know what FTW meant. He saw Kristabella type it once into Google, because she’s lame and didn’t know what it meant either, but she wouldn’t let him look. Bacon says “FML”.)

Bacon didn’t get to go to the Expo. Or get lots of free stuff, like 17 flash drives or free socks or free laundry detergent. Bacon also didn’t get to meet life-sized dogs, either. And Bacon loves dogs. Because dogs? ARE NOT CATS!

(Photo courtesy of Ali)

And then the parties! Lo, the parties they all talked about. Bacon didn’t get to go to any of those. And did you know there was a UNICORN THERE? Bacon thought unicorns were fake, just like people probably think Bacon is fake because HE NEVER COMES OUT! Or maybe people think Bacon is a vampire. He heard there was one of those at the party too.

(Photo courtesy of Angella)

And then there was some sort of CheeseburgHer party? Which, hello! BACON AND CHEESEBURGERS GO TOGETHER LIKE FAT KIDS AND CAKE! Or wine and more wine! Which is to say, A PERFECT MATCH!

When Kristabella got home, she went through her swag. And she was all “hey Bacon! Check out my swag! It’s a Potato Head!”

And Bacon is all “FUCK YOU WOMAN! I don’t want your swag and go tell that fucking potato head to Hang Out With Hashbrowns!” And that sent Bacon into a fit of giggles, laughing at his own hilariousness.

But Kristabella was persistent, she was all “NO, for reals Bacon, come check it out!”

So Bacon did. And Bacon fell in love. Look at those arms, aren’t they just made for hugging?

So Bacon forgives Kristabella this year. But next year he’s going to glue himself to her ass at BlogHer in New York City to see how she likes it! Because Bacon knows that’s where all the bacon she eats ends up anyway.

Hi-OH!

Bacon, out.

Category: Bacon, BlawgHer | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 2, 2009

This past Friday night was my half-sister Alix’s 21st birthday. Realizing this made me feel old. This was a girl who I babysat when she was little, when I was all of 11 years old myself, and now she’s 21 and entering her last year of college.

We started the evening with dinner here. I was a little nervous going into it because all the recent reviews of the place were horrible. And I was hoping for a good meal. Thankfully, we all really enjoyed it. I guess, in talking to other friends, their service is hit or miss so I can see that if you had crappy service, it would be a shitty experience, especially when you’re paying that much.

After dinner, we headed to a bar. A bar that pretty much no one over the age of 22 goes to (unless you’re going to watch sports, then you’ll find more of a mixed crowd.) We had a blast! I didn’t think I would stay long because the idea of partying with a bunch of 21 year olds doesn’t really suit my fancy. Me of the sensible shoes and band-aids in my purse for blister emergencies. And I may have been super hungover from book wine club the night before. But my stepmom and her boyfriend were there, and we had some good conversations (some way too deep for a drunken Friday night) and it was fun to just watch a bunch of 21 year olds go nuts. Ahhhh, remember those days? (And they probably all woke up sans hangover, unlike my 31 year old self. Bitches.)

Alix really enjoyed herself. She made it clear to everyone it was HER day.

We drank and drank and laughed and people watched and drank some more. Or I did. I really made use of the all you could drink special and packed it into the three hours! Alix did shots. (I’m pretty sure she probably vomited before the night was over. She’s clearly a Johnson because she can really toss ’em back.)

My stepmom’s boyfriend Mike put up with a lot of nonsense from me, Alix and my stepmom, Patty.

I think Alix had a good time, no?

But to me she’ll always be that little girl I babysat, even though I’ve watched her grow up into a phenomenal young lady. Hope you had a wonderful birthday Alix!

Rest of the photos from the evening are here.

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The best part of the evening was my cab ride home. And not because I got a number from a cab driver. Yawn. That is old news. Oh no. This time, I got screamed at by a cab driver.

So on my cab ride home, the guy was kind of a douche. He was driving like a fucking maniac and you could tell he seemed pissed because he had to go so far north. Well guess what, asshole, that means a bigger fare. On top of it, all the windows were open and he was speeding down the freeway and I was FREEZING.

I ignored him as much as possible and Twittered and pretended to be engrossed in my phone, at the same time making sure he was indeed taking me to my house and not to a ditch by the lake. At a stoplight closer to my house, there was some sort of an accident or police activity or something going on. So Douche McCaberson slides open the partition in the cab and points to the police car/car accident and says to me “See?” And I’m thinking “um, see what?” And that’s all I said to him until he needed directions to drop me off at my condo.

So as he rolls up on my building, he says to me, all pissy, “you know, you should really tell people to take Road A here instead of Road B because it is faster. This was ridiculous to go this route.”

(Side note, I tell them this way so I get out as close as possible to my front door and don’t have to cross the street by myself at 2:30 in the morning. I’m not a fucking idiot, douchenozzle. Also, I’m lazy.)

So then I pay my fare and give him close to exact change and say “if you were not such a douche, you would have gotten a bigger tip. GOOD DAY, SIR! I said GOOD DAY!” And then I get out of my cab.

And then Douche McCaberson decided to SCREAM out his window at me. He’s yelling “YOU ARE A FUCKING BITCH! SUCK MY DICK! FUCKING BITCH!” And probably a whole host of other things I blocked out because I just wanted to get into my building.

I was totally freaked out. So much so, I was afraid to take a cab home Saturday night, after helping my friend Melissa celebrate her 30th birthday. (It was a Birthdaypalooza this weekend!) But my good cab driver mojo is back and I told this cab driver the whole sordid tale and he was very pissed on my behalf. And said that should never happen and a driver is supposed to take you whatever way you tell them. Which made me feel 100 times better because I drink a lot. I need to be able to take cabs in the city.

And thankfully this nice cab driver didn’t ask for my number. Because I would have totally given it to him because he didn’t call me a fucking bitch. I’m so easy.

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Edited to add: My dad is dead. He passed away in 2002 or 2003, I never remember, which should clue you in to our relationship. So my stepmom has a boyfriend that she’s been dating for quite a few years. The end.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family, Taxicab Confessions | 21 Comments »
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