Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 30, 2008

No, I am not drunk right now. I am a little buzzed, but not drunk. In fact, I left a half-full (because I’m SO optimistic) glass of red wine on the table at dinner because DO NOT WANT. (And yes, those of you on Twitter, I totally repeated the same line. I’m a one trick pony for Pete’s sake.)

So I want to tell you all about how famous I am. Because I’m not sure you are aware of my famous status and my all-around fabulousness. And because I am famous, I will tell you all about my being famous. Because my being grouped into a bunch of famous people is only because I gave Amalah my business card. (The nerve of some people!)

Over the weekend, some jaded mommyblogger (I hate that term because we are ALL personal bloggers) (but I don’t like her, so there you go) decided to send a mass email out to like every popular blogger in the world asking them to go to her site and comment on a post she had written. She wanted to know how all of us famous bloggers kept our writing real, even though we were all making a living off our ads on our blogs. Because how could you possibly keep writing the same inane details when you were making a LIVING off of it?

At first, drunkenly on Friday night, I laughed at this idiot who apparently emailed the entire blogging universe. And she not only emailed us once, she emailed us TWICE because she FORGOT THE LINK in the first email.

On Saturday, I saw that a lot of people commented, so I figured I would add my two cents. Seeing how I was living the dream and all. You know, living the dream of working at a job that has eliminated my position and spending my working hours looking for a job so I can pay the bills. Yeah, honey, being famous is exhausting work.

And I told her, “hey, maybe do your homework. I don’t EVEN HAVE ADS on my site. And also, BlogHer is for everyone. And really, if you want to see how famous all these bloggers are in the real world, come to my office. My office where no one has even heard of blogs.”

Let’s be honest here people, for all the BlogHer haters – we are all women with websites. That’s it. If you are afraid to talk to someone or any of that high school bullshit, it is because you have built that person up to be something THEY ARE NOT. We have fucking websites, for the love of God.

And on top of it, we aren’t going to like everyone. That’s what makes us human and not robots. We’re going to get along better with some people. For instance, you might might get lucky and get along with the most awesomest roommates who will be all Judgey McJudgeypants with you. And really mesh well with your Full Of Snark self.

To top it all off, the only reason I got lumped into this group was because I gave my card to Amalah and she linked to me on her site. Because I gave her my card. That makes me so unfamous I can’t even tell you.

And to the person starting this drama, please don’t lump me into your crazy anymore. And tell me I’m a bad blogger because I don’t read your blog or respond to your comments when you have NEVER commented on my site. I’m a good, nice blogger. So there! *sticks tongue out*

But to piggyback off all my new-found famousness and life in the fast lane, I did indeed live the fabulous life for a few hours on Sunday. As soon as my new-found famous status was confirmed by the Committe of Famous People (CFP), I immediately hopped on a private jet and flew a grand total of seven miles and then back again. BECAUSE I COULD!

After my flight, I tried to live like a commoner and take the CTA to the Cubs game. But I grew impatient. And sweaty. So I hoofed my famous ass two miles from my house to Wrigley, where I met my famous friend Jen Lancaster. (Because what do you do when you find out you are famous overnight? You call your famous friend.) We were going to a rooftop by Wrigley to watch the Cubs game.

I also met another famous new friend, Gina, who writes for the Red Eye. She confirmed my status as a famous person by talking to me. Repeatedly.

After getting along famously, we then served our purpose at the Cubs game, which was to be on the Travel Channel with Samantha Brown. Don’t be jealous. You’re all not famous enough to live my life. (But watch Samantha’s show because she’s just the nicest person you will ever meet.)

And then I lost my fabulous, famous status by showing the world my white skin that MATCHES MY WHITE TANK TOP.

So I celebrated my record rise and fall from famous status like any normal schlub would do, I ate Taco Bell and took a nap on the couch.

It’s OK to touch me the next time you see me. I hear the fabulous famousness rubs off.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 52 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 29, 2008

Well for one, I am drunk. And let me tell you that when you say you will not drink at a work sponsored event, OH YOU WILL! Because the WINE IS FREE.

And also, let me tell you that married men take a shine to you. And they will hit on you all night. Which is weird until you find out they are YOUNGER THAN YOU. And married people should not be younger than you FYI.

I want to tell you about how I am famous and got myself involved in my first blogging drama for NO REASON AT ALL. And how my fabulousness led to me being so exhausted that I had to nap on the couch.

Or that the day after my famous fabulousness was revealed, I went to the Cubs game with some fabulous people nad I MIGHT BE ON TV. LIKE FOR REALS. Travel Channel, bitches! WOO!

Also, I should let you know (shhhhh it is a secret, get in really close, I AM DRUNK RIGHT NOW. THAT IS THE SECRET0. OK. Yeah. THat’s all. Carry on.

But I can’t let you know all of this because I’ve been drinking and it is time for bed.

OK. Time fore bed. Where’s my wine glass that helps me sleep?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Hooch Hilarity | 30 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 25, 2008

Before we get to another installment of Death Is Not An Option, I have to share this email exchange I had with someone at work today regarding our upcoming sales training session next week.

Him: Is the conference still on?

Me: Yes. Did you not get your email confirmation?

Him: No. I DID NOT.

Me: No need to shout, I will re-send it.

Him: No shouting here.

Me: When you type in all caps, it is SHOUTING on email.

Him: Not in Kentucky.

The sad thing is he’s probably right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now! DEATH IS NOT AN OPTION! AND YES! I AM SHOUTING! FROM THE EXCITEMENT!

So here’s the deal, for those of you who may be new and have not ever played this game at parties or at a bar: I will give you two choices and the object of the game is to pick one of the two people that you would have sex with, with death NOT being an option. As revolting as some may be, you have to pick one of the two.

I swear, it is fun!

To see old versions, click here. (And on a weird note, I have NO idea where Week 4 went, which was the political edition and the most vomit inducing. It disappeared when I imported my old posts from my old site and I can’t get it back. DAMN YOU GEORGE W! STAY OUT OF MY BLAWG!)

And on with the show…

Round 10 – The Culinary Edition

The Chef Enemy Edition

Rocco Douchebag DiSpirito vs. Anthony Bourdain

    

The Annoying TV Chef Edition

Emeril vs. Gordon Ramsay

    

The Food Network Edition

Bobby Flay vs. Alton Brown

    

The Rachel Ray Should NOT Be Your Answer Edition

Rachel Ray vs. Julia Child

    

The Highest Gross-Out Factor Edition

Mario Batali vs. Wolfgang Puck

    

The I Needed An Excuse To Look At Tom Colicchio Photos Edition

James Beard vs. Tom Colicchio

    

And also, this is a warning for all you, DO NOT EVER do a search for Rachel Ray on Google Images. Your eyes will be burning for the rest of your life.

OK, leave your choices in the comments!

Category: Death is Not an Option | 47 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 24, 2008

For those of you new here (and by new, I mean since November 2007 or those who have not read my novel of an About page) about a year and a half ago, I was fired for my blog. It was probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever gone through because Hey You! Girl Who Doesn’t Trust! Here’s something to make you NEVER TRUST AGAIN.

You can read all about it here and here. But what I want to talk about is how after the word came down that I was indeed losing my job because Slalom Consulting is a stupid name and I blogged about it, I had to work at my job for almost a month more, knowing full well that I was just biding my time until they kicked me out. I knew I wasn’t getting a severance and that the time I spent there biding my time, was time they were paying me to find a job. I got really lucky and only spent about a month on unemployment before I got my current job.

You would think that going in to work every damn day to a job that was firing you for something so silly would be hard. It wasn’t easy, but I put my big girl panties on every day and went to work. I liked the people. And I knew that my bosses in Chicago had nothing to do with the decision. I went in every day, worked and made an effort to teach people things so that I didn’t leave them hanging when I left.

Fast forward to now. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been notified that I will no longer have a job after a period of time. I have to come in every day and go through the motions because I need the money. Just ask Stara, she saw my bank balance. (Hello embarrassing!) I have to bust my ass, take orders from people and work as if nothing had changed.

This time? I’m having a fucking difficult time with it. Like I wish I could call in sick every day, I am procrastinating like I’ve never procrastinated before, difficult.

Sixty days is a long time. I’m like halfway through it and I can’t take it anymore. People there expect me to go on like nothing is changed. And guess what? I cannot. I can’t do it anymore.

Wednesday afternoon we had an off-site meeting. I get invited because I think my boss wants to keep me involved and wants to keep things normal and PRETEND LIKE I’M STILL GOING TO WORK THERE. The other meetings I’ve been in I have spent my time formulating posts in my head, doodling and sleeping with my eyes open. They haven’t been a big deal.

This meeting on Wednesday was different. This was a meeting about moving forward. It was a meeting about the status of the department after I am gone. I had to sit for two hours and hear about all the work they are going to have without me, how they are going to do great things and how they are just going to easily move on without me like I was just a blip on the radar.

I almost cried. Seriously, I almost came to tears in that meeting because it was like I wasn’t even sitting there. I had no purpose in the meeting. The stuff they are meeting about will take place either right before I leave or right after I leave. It was fucking heartbreaking that I just didn’t matter any more.

It wasn’t intentional. I know this. I was in their position for the last three months. You just don’t understand what it is like for those people who have gotten their notice. You don’t know how hard it is until you are actually in their shoes.

Now that I am in their shoes, it is hard. And I hope that I didn’t make any of the other people who have left the department feel as insignificant as I feel every damn day when I go in to work. Because this fucking blows.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Whine & Cheese | 39 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 23, 2008

Monday night I went to my appointment with my therapist. And I told her all about BlogHer and such fun and OMG my internet friends are THE BEST.

Somehow later in the conversation, she asked if I thought I spent too much time on the internet. And I was all “pshaw, woman! There is no such thing!”

She thinks I should make sure I am not avoiding real life by spending all my time inside my little computer box. To which I said “Real life is a fucking FAIL WHALE.”

I told her I don’t think I avoid doing things to spend time on the internet. I am an inherently lazy person, so it isn’t like I’d be taking long walks on the beach if I wasn’t on the internet. I would be sitting my ass on the couch watching TV or reading. The Lazies, I has them.

And then she tried to tell me that there is something wrong with watching TV and then I was all “if you only KNEW the crap I watch lady” and then I stabbed her with her pen. Because TV is GOOD. I’m not paying you a $20 co-pay each week to TELL ME DIFFERENTLY.

Then on Tuesday, I drove into work (I didn’t go in Monday. My ceiling was destroyed, which means I got to sleep in and catch up on my feed reader! Yay for leaky roofs!) and as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I saw someone that I work with and was like “hey, you’re not wearing you’re BlogHer badge. This isn’t BlogHer. Where are my internet peeps? WAH.”

When I got into the office, people were all excited to ask me about my trip. The trip I took to San Francisco to visit friends, which really isn’t that much of a lie. Here’s a sample conversation:

Dude I work with: How was your trip?

Me: FUCKING AWESOME!

DIWW: Yeah? That’s cool. What did you do?

Me: Oh. Um, I like, hung out and stuff.

DIWW: Cool. Where did you go to eat?

Me: Macy’s, I mean we went to some Italian place.

DIWW: Macy’s?

Me: Oh, I thought you asked where I got the shoes that are on my feet.

DIWW: *blink blink* Did you go to Napa?

Me: No. It was fun. And I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO KTHXBAI.

Whew. I cannot lie to people. I almost slipped several times like talking about parties and bloggers and drink tickets, oh my! But they would not understand. I don’t think they even know what a blog is. And they definitely don’t know what a fail whale is.

And then on my way home, I taked to her on the phone. And we talked about the weekend and bitched about certain things and emails and talked about our sadness that we were not still in SF and that we had to be at work and we were not given 2 free drink tickets or free Cheetos at work. We had sadness times four. A Sadness Quad, if you will.

And while we talked on the phone, we talked about emails and blog posts and bloggers and then we got off the phone and we emailed and emailed some more. And then I was like “hmmm, maybe I do spend too much time on the internet.”

So then I took a break and hooked up my new DVR (FUCKING FANTASTIC NEWS!) and watched some TV and went about setting all my timers for all my trashy reality shows that I have missed in the last week. Which I then Twittered about.

Well, OK, she does have a point. I spend a lot of time online. Probably too much. But I’m fine with it. Because of my time on the internet, I’ve found that I have a passion for writing, I’ve written some stuff over here, I’ve read a lot of blogs by amazing writers and most of all, because of my time on the interweb, I met a ton of amazing people this last weekend.

To which Bacon says maybe my therapist should Liven Up A Salad and shut her internet-hating meat face.

(She’s so going to find this one day and fire me as a client.)

Category: All Things Blogging, BlawgHer | 37 Comments »
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