Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 22, 2008

Yesterday in the airport I started writing my BlogHer recap post. I knew that everyone would be looking to hear all about the weekend and the hilarity that ensured. And it ensued, let me tell you. But when I sat down to write, I was so overcome with emotion. I was sad that I was leaving behind so many people that I feel like I’ve known forever and that I know I will be friends with for a very long time. And I was so happy that I decided to come and meet all these fabulous, amazing people.

I was nervous about coming, just like everyone else, I’m sure. Even Heather B., who was going to her third BlogHer conference, was nervous. It can be very overwhelming when there are ONE THOUSAND women all in the same room. It is hard to find all the people you want to meet. It is hard to put your nerves aside and go up to your favorite blogger and tell them “ZOMG! I love you! You’re awesome!” knowing full well that your favorite blogger probably doesn’t even know who the hell you are.

But as nervous as I was, I had the GREATEST time this weekend. Once you move past the whole freaked out feeling of being in a room with a bunch of people you don’t know, once you grow a pair and just go talk to anyone and everyone because THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE WITH BLOGS LIKE YOU, you will have a good time. You will meet people, people who are technically strangers, and realize that you’ve met some the coolest people ever.

On Sunday as we were all sitting in the lobby, we were sad. We wanted more time to spend together. But we also weren’t sad. Because I know I will see these people again. I know that Slynnro and I will go to Toronto to see if Ali does actually have kids, or if they really are mythical hobbits like we think they are.

This experience is really what you make of it. And if you are determined to meet awesome people and have a great time, you will. I know I did.

And now enough with the sappiness. I gave myself a toothache and really? I don’t need to go to the dentist ever again after this year. On to the good stuff! In bullet form!

• Unlike Ali, I did drink at BlogHer. But nothing too bad where I couldn’t wake up the next morning. It is hard to drink a ton when you’re talking to everyone and when they limit you with drink tickets.
• Stara and I are way too fucking honest. Not only did we not shoplift anything from any store in Union Square, even with the perfect excuse, we both HONESTLY told the woman at the door of The People’s Party that we had already been there and gotten our drink tickets.
• Friday night I didn’t have a problem with drink tickets. People kept handing them to me. Including Amy, who tried to give them to someone else and when they turned down FREE DRINKS, I snatched them out of her hand. I’m so glad Amy is pregnant. And that I introducd myself when she was giving away her tickets.
• I guess my reputation precedes me. Or maybe it was the fact I handed out business cards with wine glasses on them.
• Someone in the pre-conference guide said we should NOT say that we just have a personal blog. We should have a pitch. I fucking stressed about a pitch for like two weeks because I write inane drivel! I was so ready to tell that person in the guide to shut their fucking meat face.
• But then no one actually asked. No one actually cared that I had a personal blog. Because everyone, mommybloggers included, ALL have personal blogs.
• And then Maggie Mason said it was OK to say you have a personal blog. And I was all “that was Maggie Mason’s way of telling that pre-conference guide person to shut her fucking meat face.”
• Speaking of Maggie Mason, she had a party on Friday night to launch one of her new Mighty sites. We weren’t invited. Dooce was there. There was no way a small-time blogger like me would ever get invited. So we crashed the party.
• And I’m sure you’re all “how hard could it be to crash a BLOG party?” Dudes, there was a doorman at a BLOG PARTY. Thankfully Ali was there with the address written on her hand like that was an invitation.
• It was not.
• So we had to give our BLOG business cards out to some man with a camera to gain entry. “Maggie likes to know who came,” he says. OK dude.
• At the party, I saw Dooce. She is a giant. Seriously, she’s got a few inches on me easily. And she is skinny. Girl needs to eat a sammich.
• This is a dramatization of what it is like to stand next to Dooce.

• Yes, Ali is really that tiny. And yes, my face is that fat.
• At this point, I was pretty drunk and decided I was going to talk to Dooce. So I introduced myself, shook her hand, maybe told her my name and then asked her where she got pants that were long enough. I think it sounded a bit like “hey! You’re tall, I’m tall, where do you buy your pants?”
• And then she said H&M and that her pants were the smallest size H&M carries. And then I looked at my thigh that was the size of her WHOLE BODY. So I turned around and drank another free beer at the party we CRASHED.
• At some point in the party, I was offered a sum of money to steal the wig off The Bloggess’s head. I chickened out. Instead I was offered money to steal a bowl of Cheetos from the party and make a run for it.
• I did.

• Then I offered Cheetos to anyone on the street that wanted them.

• And then I offered them to the cab driver. And then I told the cab driver that if I lived here, we could go on a date. We could go to Burger King and order food and drive off without paying.
• The Cheetos helped us meet a nutjob in the hotel lobby that only had a Boston accent when he said the word retarded.
• We’re not sure how that word came up in the conversation. Hopefully not about the Cheetos.
• The following morning we went to a panel moderated by Maggie Mason and found out she’s adorable and funny and we all felt bad for stealing her Cheetos. And crashing her party.
• But I’m sure even she would find it funny.
• Stara and I MISSED the drama at the keynote with Dooce and Stephanie Klein (seriously, will someone explain to me how she gets in on the keynote? With Dooce?)
• I have to say that Whoorl has to be one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. She could be mean and people would be distracted by her fabulous hair. But she’s not! She’s cute and nice and funny. I’m so excited I got to spend time with her.
• I met so many fabulous people. I don’t know if I can even link them all here. It was great to meet/see Jennie, Katie, Kristie, Raven, Rhi, Angella, Emily, Kim, Sarah, Heather, Susan, Chris, Bossy, Jennster, Tracey and so many others that I’m probably forgetting. It was also awesome to meet so many other NEW (to me) bloggers that have already made it into the feed reader. (I feel bad even linking because I KNOW I’ve forgotten someone.)
• I think I’m totally over the whole being nervous around “big” bloggers, the ones who were established way before I even knew what blogs were. The bloggers at BlogHer are all great, amazing people regardless of site traffic. We are all just people with websites, really.
• But that didn’t stop me from squeeeing when I got to take a photo with a certain blogger.

• And yes, I realize I freaked out less when I worked with professional athletes.
• As much as one can feel like a schulb around the fashionable Slynnro and Whoorl, I did learn that green and hot pink are colors that will look good me. And that I am definitely a different shade of pale.
• And if you can’t take the hard truth, stay away from The Honesty Group.
• I laughed A LOT. I laughed at my own jokes. I laughed when I made people laugh and I laughed when Stara pointed all this out.
• Milk cartons with guns ARE funny. Especially on a shirt.
• And nothing says fun with a bunch of bloggers like hats. McDonald’s Bag Hats, to be exact.

I didn’t take enough photos this weekend. But you can see all my photos here. And ALL the BlogHer ones here.

I can’t wait until next year!

Category: All Things Blogging, BlawgHer | 39 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on July 21, 2008

I had all intentions of writing a BlogHer recap post, even just a small one, to tell you all about the absolutely fan-fucking-tastic time I had in San Francisco. I even started writing it in the airport this afternoon while I waited for my delayed flight to board and was a few feet from Y, who was probably doing the same thing.

And the post was all sappy and it gave me a toothache because the past four days were just awesome. There are no words. And I had the BEST ROOMMATES EVER. Note to all of you, hands off Slynnro and Ali, they are SO rooming with me next year. We are the Honesty Group.

But then my post changed when I walked in my house at the lovely hour of midnight and saw this:

First thought: WHAT THE FUCK DID THE CATS DO WHILE I WAS GONE?

Second thought: At least my cats didn’t die locked up in a hot, humid house for days on end.

Third thought: WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO?

Fourth thought: Look up, dumbass.

And so I did. And this is what I saw:

So shit fuck damn. My ceiling decided to FALL APART while I was away. That’s a hundred kinds of awesome.

But it totally gives me a reason to sleep in tomorrow and maybe not have to go in to work. I already called my boss’s voice mail to tell her HOLE IN CEILING. BAD. FAIL WHALE.

So my BlogHer recap is going to have to wait. And there are some good stories, including meeting Dooce, stealing Cheetos and showing Ali and Slynnro all about my crazy bond with taxi drivers.

Category: All Things Blogging | 33 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on July 18, 2008

I figured I should type something up, full of my snarky wit, because I just handed out all these business cards and then people will come here and be all “the main post on her site is an anonymous post from someone we don’t know? She’s not full of snark, she’s FULL OF LAME.”

(Hi new people I’ve met!)

I had plans to put something up before I left, but I decided that it was a good idea to stay out drinking until 11 PM the night before a 7:30 AM flight. That’s always a good idea. Because nothing says fun like four hours of sleep!

I made it to San Francisco safe and sound. I found one of my roommates at the baggage claim area at the airport. We all made it safely to the hotel and walked around and did some shopping and some eating.

Last night there were a few parties and I got to meet a lot of people. I got a lot of business cards and handed mine out. It is a tad overwhelming with all these people in the same place and where do you start? It was nice to do the “speed dating” thing this morning and meet some other new people, people that I probably would not have met otherwise.

At night, when I’ve got a belly full of alcohol goodness and have the liquid courage it brings, I’ll go up and talk to just about anyone. Like stopping Mr. Lady from Whiskey in My Sippy Cup because she’s funny and she reads The Hotfessional and she seemed like such a fun person. And she is! And she wasn’t drinking whiskey nor was she drinking out a sippy cup!

I am really glad I came. I had a few too many freakouts and it can be fucking overwhelming to walk into a ballroom full of ONE THOUSAND women, but then everyone feels the same way. Whether you’re at your first blogging conference or not, an introvert or an extrovert, that is a lot of damn people in the SAME PLACE.

More updates to come. And hopefully a drunken story of me falling on my face or spilling wine on someone.

And also, Bacon made his first appearance this morning at breakfast. He was a little overwhelmed too. He thought someone might try to eat him.

Category: All Things Blogging | 18 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on July 15, 2008

It is time for Blog Share! Also known as the day when -R- at And You Know What Else wants to get all stabby for even coming up with this idea because I can’t even imagine the work that goes into this. Or it is also known as the day when bloggers all over the world post anonymous blogs on their sites written by fellow Blog Share participants. (The full list of participants is at the end of the post.)

I’m actually participating this time. Which means the anonymous post I wrote is posted on a site somewhere else. In exchange, I’m letting someone post anonymously here.

So please read and comment. Be nice to my guest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I wish I had never given out my blog address to anyone I know in real life. Of course it is my own fault; the vision of hundreds of comments pouring in on every post too much for me to resist even if it means I occasionally have to email my own mother to remind her to comment. Still, it would make it so much easier on me if I could always write what I felt like writing. Like, for example, how I sometimes wish I were Hermione Granger because she is smart and cute and HELLO, she is a witch at Hogwarts and fights against the evil Voldemort to save all our hides. But then I would get an email from someone like my sister about how she is just too embarrassed that she is related to me because of how huge a nerd I am and then I would feel kind of silly for admitting it even though it is totally true.

I could also write about the time I peed my pants at a sleepover from laughing too hard when I was in seventh grade and how that bitch Stacy Vernholder that called herself my best friend told the boy I was crushing on about the incident, but then she would probably somehow find my Spacebook page and then my blog and then I would get a nasty email about how I should forgive and forget. And you know what? I don’t care if it was 1992, I AM STILL MAD.

I could write about how I am still waiting for my man to buy me some bling bling and declare his intentions without him freaking out and going into his “I don’t believe in weddings” spiel. Yes, we’ve had this conversation my love, now will you please just shut it and get thee to a diamond store? I would write about how we’ve had the No Weddings discussion many times, how I am in agreement that weddings are dumb but marriage itself is not, and if he wanted, if he asked, I would do it up in City Hall tomorrow and have a party later so that someone can buy me that breadmaker I’ve always wanted.

I could tell the world about how I am a totally selfish jerk because I can’t even imagine having a pet right now, let alone a baby, and I wouldn’t even have to worry about the multitude of phone calls I would take from my mother informing me that my uterus has a shelf life and don’t I care that she has always wanted to be a grandmother? Hold on Mom, there’s a bottle of Shiraz on the other line. Can I call you back?

But see? Now I’ve gone and spilled the beans. That’s what happens when you have the freedom of anonymity. And maybe some of you will guess who wrote this post, but even if you do, at least I won’t have to answer to you in real life and that will make all the difference. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want to check out all the other Blog Share posts, here is the complete list:

Vent Vox
Turn On The Stars
Trudie – Life After AC
Swimming With Sharks
Stefanie Says
Shhh! Librarian-In-Training
Sauntering Soul
Sass Attack
Reflections in the Snow Covered Hills
Red Red Whine
Our Simplicity
One New Duck
Oh My Seven
The Occasional Truth
No Lady
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Muse On Vacation
Messing With Texas
Melliferous Pants
Lizland
Live Work Dream
Just Below 63
Jonniker
Java Literally
Heidikins
Full of Snark
Face Down
Ex Everything
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Did I Say That Outloud?
The Daily Tannenbaum
The Coconut Diaries
Citystreams
Catheroominations
Bright Yellow World
Breath Smiles Tears
And You Know What Else
Alyndabear
3 Carnations 

Category: All Things Blogging, Blog Share | 27 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on July 14, 2008

I am really trying to write a post that isn’t all consuming about my upcoming trip to San Francisco for BlogHer. Because that’s all I talk about on email and to anyone who will listen. And let me tell you, the elderly woman in the dressing room at Target is scarred for life because she didn’t even know what blogging was and she did not need to see my in my skivvies when I asked her if going naked to BlogHer was an option. I don’t think that poor woman has seen that much cottage cheese since the buffet at the nursing home.

But I do have a ton to do before I leave butt-ass early on Thursday morning. Because in true Kristabella fashion, I waited until the very last minute to do everything. And I am still freaking out that I do not have the right clothes. Even though I don’t care and will probably end up in jeans and my Bacon shirt every day. Because then I won’t even have to hand out business cards. I’ll be a walking billboard.

So then, what else can I talk about besides BlogHer? Nothing. That is the answer.

I can tell you how Heather B. made fun of me for my commenting spreadsheet. And I know it is only because she’s jealous.

See, I read a lot of blogs. And since I’ve been so bored at work lately, I’ve been able to catch up on the posts in my reader. But there are only a select few that I can actually comment on at work that aren’t blocked. So to pass the time, I decided that I would star the posts I wanted to comment on and remember to comment on them when I got home. This was all fine and good, but when I got home hours later I had all these starred posts and no idea what I wanted to share with the world through my awesome commenting ability. Which was frustrating. Because I apparently had THINGS TO SAY. And then I would have to re-read and really, I have the attention span of a crack ho, so that just meant I unstarred everything without EVER COMMENTING. THE HORROR! *Gasp*

So I decided to start typing out my comments in Word. That worked OK, but then to alphabetize and everything was becoming a big hassle. So then I had the GENIUS idea to type all my comments in a spreadsheet. I could sort them by blog name, post title or inane comment. Then I star the posts that I want to comment on in Google Reader and then copy and paste my comments into those starred blogs when I get home. It is an awesome plan! Even more so because then it looks like I’m working because I’m constantly typing away in Excel. BRILLIANT!

And just typing this out now makes me realize why Heather laughed so hard when I told her this. It is a bit anal and neurotic. But it is the only way to be able to keep reading blogs and not just Mark All As Read. I do it for all of you. I am the Crazy Spreadsheet Comment Lady out of LOVE.

Go ahead, you can laugh too. But you won’t laugh when I stop spreading my inane drivel in your comment boxes.

In other I’m-Not-Going-To-Talk-About-BlogHer news, I have reached a bad point at work. I have reached that point where I just do not care. I do not want to be invited to meetings, I do not want to meet potential vendors, I do not even want to come in. Do you realize how hard it is to come in every day to a job that decided you were not needed anymore?

And on top of it, I’m BUSY. What the figgity fuck? We have a sales conference at the end of the month and instead of showing someone else how to do it, I’m just doing it myself because have I mentioned I have no patience? And it won’t get done right unless I do it?

OK, maybe I do care. Just a little.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 35 Comments »
Tags: