Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 29, 2008

A few weeks ago, I was approached by a reporter for the Chicago Tribune about an article they were doing for Halloween. The reporter wanted to do a story on people who hated Halloween and why they hated it. In her research, she found my blog and this post.

(For those of you who don’t want to click over, I basically hate Halloween because when I was younger, my alcoholic father ditched me at my brother and sister in a line for a haunted house to go get drunk in a bar. He stayed there the whole night. As we inched up the front of the line, getting the pants scared off of us by guys running at us with chainsaws and MY FATHER not there to protect us, we had to get out of line because we had no money for admission and dad was passed out at the bar. Basically it is a sad story and pretty typical for those days. I have loads of stories just like those, as most kids of alcoholic parents do.)

Anyway, this reporter asked me if I wanted to be interviewed for the story. I thought about it for most of the day. After the initial elation of being contacted by the Chicago Tribune and them wanting to interview me, I started to freak out. I had a few issues. One, would the reporter mention the blog in the article? Would this article be higher on Google when you searched my very common name? Like would a future employer be able to find it? Two, did I want to share this sad story with so many people? Like way more than the small (only in numbers) readership of my blog?

It was really the second point that hung me up. It’s such a depressing story. And yeah, it probably shouldn’t have ruined Halloween for me, but in all honesty, even before the haunted house incident, I wasn’t a big fan. I’m not super creative when it comes to costumes. I LOVE candy, but always hated the idea of dressing up to get it. It was a lot of walking, from house to house. And nowadays, adult women use the holiday to dress like sluts.

I finally agreed to the story because hey, how many times is the Tribune going to be wanting to interview me? I mean, until I publish this book I keep telling myself I’m going to write. The interview went well. The reporter was really nice. She originally got the idea because her husband, too, hated the holiday. She asked about the blog and getting fired for it and overall, I thought the interview went well.

Well, the story ran today in the Tribune. You can read it here. And thanks to my friend Michelle for the heads up!

Of course once I found out, I posted the link on Twitter. I mean, I have to keep up with the Slynnros of the world and her mention in the Dallas Morning News. After I twittered the link, Scarlet texted me and was all “that’s so cool you were in the Tribune! I left a comment!”

First thought: It is comment enabled?

Second thought: I’m sure no one left any comments besides Scarlet.

Third thought: This isn’t going to be good.

As always, I should always go with the third thought. If any of you have ever read comments on news sites, like from newspapers or TV stations, etc., you probably notice that these people tend to be fucktards with OPINIONS. Not just regular opinions, but OPINIONS.

They weren’t all bad. After awhile, as per usual in that kind of forum, they just tend to start attacking each other. But, to save you the trouble of reading through four pages of misspellings and bad grammar and OPINIONS, I will show you the best comments about me.

 

Oh Brother Chicago, IL

Geez – Could it be that they are just negative, boring, nothing to look forward to losers? It’s not even a holiday you idiots!Give me a break! Get over it and stay in doors for goodness sake, no one cares what you think. Those of us who enjoy Halloween are going to still enjoy it. It’s fun and it’s for kids anyway! Get a Life!

 

Oh Brother is right! And I am pretty boring. And unemployed. Thanks for the newsflash.

 

Daisy Chicago, IL

Why is this even news? If you dont like halloween so be it, if you do well happy halloween to you!! to each its own. Big Deal. Stop winning!!

 

I’m convinced this is Daisy from Rock of Love. Only because I’m convinced she can’t spell and doesn’t know the difference between winning and whining. And Daisy? I will stop winning, because I’m a LOSER!

 

Cyclone Naperville, IL

“But after they arrived, Johnson said, her dad left his children in line while he went across the street to a bar. “This made me laugh. It’s almost as good as the dad who left his toddler in the car while he went to a strip club… and told the kid that “monsters would eat him” if he got out of the car.

 

I’m guessing Cyclone is that dad who left his toddler in the car. (This one actually bothered me because it isn’t funny, if you knew the whole story. And then I remembered that HIS NAME IS CYCLONE.)

 

Matilda United States

Waaah! Well, I don’t celebrate Arbor Day, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or Easter. Write an article about me!More than a few 18-24 year olds in my college town seem to enjoy the holiday. And I think Ms. Johnson’s issues lie with her dad, not Halloween.

 

Oh Matilda, if you were interesting, maybe someone would write an article about you. Instead, you win the Captain Obvious award for pointing out I have issues with my father. Maybe someone should interview you for your clearly top-notch psychoanalyzing abilities.

 

Judy Columbus, OH

Everyone does not have to love everything. Don’t like it, don’t participate, but these people sound like crybabies to me. Your parent was an idiot, go to therapy, work it out but don’t blame Halloween. Had trick or treating on Sunday where I live, loved it, my 3 year old grandson loved it.

 

At least Judy has provided me with some way to solve this problem. I suppose I shall try therapy at her urging. Because I’ve never tried that before.

And my favorite comment:

 

Bitter People Des Plaines, IL

You can write an article about the same people around any major holiday. All these people have some issues. The article is more appropriate for Psychology Today.

 

Oh, your little screen name says it all, doesn’t it? And don’t you love that he singles me out? Like I have daddy issues, so I must be single! Well right you are, Bitter People. Clearly from the little bit of my life and the quotes in a small newspaper article that featured me, you must know everything there is to know about me.

Let me tell you, this was a fun way to spend an evening.

:::

As a reminder, Bacon is still taking questions! Don’t forget to leave questions for Bacon in the comments. He’s spending all his days formulating answers to all your very poignant and important questions! Plus, with this kind of good response, Bacon can easily stretch this into 2 separate posts!

Category: All Things Blogging, Rants & Rants | 40 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 27, 2008

Today’s post is a public service announcement for all of you out there in Blogland. Apparently there is an epidemic of human hibernation and I am here to give you some necessary information.

Alternate title of this post: You might be getting ready for hibernation if…

1. You are constantly shoving food into your face hole.

Are you storing up food for the long winter months? Looking for food to give you nourishment and energy while you’re asleep? Eating all that you can now because there will be months of no food?

For instance, I am clearly getting ready for hibernation because I cannot stop eating. I graze all day long because I’m pretty sure that all this food I’m eating is going to be the last food I’m going to see for months. I must eat all of it RIGHT NOW. And also, I must stop at Baskin Robbins on the way home and buy 2 containers of ice cream. Because this body needs some more layers of fat for the long winter.

2. The weather turning cold makes you want to curl up into a ball in a den somewhere just to get warm.

It is just so cold. My feet are cold, even though I’m wearing slippers AND socks. I work on my laptop just to get warmth from the computer to radiate through my frigid body. Of course, this could all be solved if I just turned on the damn heat.

3. So, so tired.

Are you constantly tired? Do you wake up just to be exhausted minutes later after doing small tasks? Do you consistently take long naps over two hours each, more than once a day? Do you routinely get more than eight hours of sleep a night and still need daily naps? Does walking to the kitchen to fill up your wine glass make you tired enough to sleep for a long time, like say through the winter? Then you might just be ready for hibernation like myself.

If all three of these things are true, you may be slipping into hibernation mode for the winter.

Or more likely, you’re just an unemployed, lazy person, who might also need to learn a little self-control and stop stuffing buckets of fried chicken into her pie hole.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Land of Random | 26 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 26, 2008

Before we begin, I would like to point out that I have showered six days in a row. This may seem like nothing to most of you who are employed, but this is my longest stretch since I was employed. AND, I have to shower on Monday, so that will be SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT! I rule!

I have nothing to talk about. Even though I’ve actually showered and left the house for a lot of days in a row. So I figured that I would write a post about all the things I thought that were too stupid to actually post about.

• I refuse to turn the heat on until November. I don’t care if it snows in October, I will not turn the heat on. Oh, and newsflash! I don’t pay for my heat, so it isn’t a cost issue. IT IS THE PRINCIPLE. I think all my years of living in Arizona and California made me spoiled. It should not be cold in October.
• Even though it kind of snowed today. It wasn’t rain and it wasn’t snow, something in between called something weird that the weatherman told me about today. But still, it is COLD here right now. Our high tomorrow is 43. And I won’t turn the heat on. I will add layers and blankets. Because I’m a fucking weirdo.
• And also, I may just wear my flip flops one more time this year before it snows because I do not want to let go of the warm weather.

 

• So then I figured I would talk about my birth control prescription. Because how exciting is that? Actually, I was thinking today as I pulled into CVS to pick up some drug storey things, that every job I’ve had where I have done mail order prescriptions, I’ve either changed insurances or lost my job.
• It’s actually happened with the last three jobs. I turn in the mail order prescription form and not a few months later, I’m left without a job.
• As I mailed in the last mail-order form for my last job, I actually told someone “every time I do mail order prescriptions, I lose my job. Hahahaha.”
• A few months later, I lost my job.
• God hates me saving money on birth control. IT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

 

• What is with the women on The Real Housewives of Atlanta? I’ve never watched any of the Real Housewives series, so I don’t know how these ladies compare. But does anyone else want to smack these bitches upside their well-coiffed heads?
• I may be biased because I NEEDED to know who Kim’s Big Poppa was, so I Googled it. And I was then drowning in HATERADE. See?
• I really just wanted to use the word haterade in my life. Mission asscomplished.

 

• So Monday night, I’m going out for drinks with some old co-workers from my previous employer. Some of the people going are also unemployed or have found other opportunities. I’m excited to see those people and share unemployment/interviewing stories.
• Two of the people going out are the two people who are still currently working for the company. Two people that I have not talked to since I left that place of employment. Two people that I do not consider friends. One is my former boss, the other is the man who sat next to me for months and REFUSED TO TALK TO ME. For no reason at all.
• Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to it. Because said dude is going to tell us all about how busy they are and how they can’t keep up and that they are going in such great directions at the company and it is so exciting. He did this after I got my notice, so I am expecting it.
• But I just realized that since I do not work there anymore, nor am I friends with them, I won’t feel bad if I tell them to FUCK OFF when they start talking like that.
• And that? WILL FEEL SO GOOD!

:::

Don’t forget to submit your questions to Bacon! There is no question he won’t answer. Wondering about the outcome of a sporting event? Ask Bacon! Wondering about the psyche of a trashy reality show contestant? Ask Bacon! Wondering how to tell your lover you have syphilis? ASK BACON!

Leave your questions on this post!

Category: Land of Random | 23 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 24, 2008

You know who we haven’t heard from in awhile? Yes, you guessed it, BACON! He’s actually been kind of neglected, as I found out as I went through my archives. He had such a busy couple of months, leaving the house for the first time and going to Vegas and San Francisco TWICE! But he has kind of not left his spot on the coffee table in the living room since BlogHer. He has left an ass-print on the table like I’ve left on the couch from months of inactivity.

So I figured since we haven’t heard from him in awhile, that his adoring fans would like to hear from him. And maybe even ask him a few questions. Because he is all-knowing and also wise. Bacon has been completely useful in the past to many a reader of Kristabella. On this post and this post, he helped answer people’s burning questions.

He will answer anything and everything. And he will bring his salty attitude to his responses. Listed below are some sample burning questions for Bacon, along with his answers. To get sage advice like this, all you have to do is leave your question for Bacon in the comments.

:::

Bacon, did Josh Duggar cry on his wedding night? Either because no one bought him jerky or because maybe, um, he couldn’t perform?

Bacon says that Josh Duggar should cry for even being stupid enough to register for jerky in the first place. And maybe shed a tear or two over your cheap guests who couldn’t even spring for the jerky. But most of all, Bacon’s answer is that yes, Josh Duggar did shed tears because he was told to “Liven Up A Salad” and didn’t realize that tossed salad had an entirely different meaning.

I recently used my toothbrush to brush my cats’ teeth. I noticed one of them sneezing this morning. Bacon, am I going to get sick from my cats?

Well, first off, Bacon says you are already sick. Because why would you use YOUR toothbrush in your cat’s mouth? Bacon wants to remind you that a cat’s mouth contains the tongue that has recently spent a great deal of time licking its asshole. Bacon says “Shrivel” because that’s pretty much what will happen to any man’s penis when you tell him this story. Spinsterville: Population YOU.

So Bacon, I have these neighbors below me. They are really annoying. On top of “rehearsing” with their “band” until after midnight, they also have an annoying wind chime on their back porch. Bacon, I live in the Windy City. I want to know, how do you murder a wind chime?

Hmmm, this is quite a conundrum. Bacon just wanted to use that word. He thinks this is an interesting situation. Bacon figures you could probably just steal the wind chime while they are at work. Maybe on your way to throw out the trash. What’s that you say? These people don’t work? Well, in that case, Bacon says to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B means you just beat the hell out of that stupid wind chime. Also, Bacon thinks it would be funny to leave a ransom not.

:::

So there you have it. See, Bacon can and will answer anything with the kind of advice only he could give. So leave your questions in the comments! Bacon will be back next week to answer all your important wonderings.

Category: Bacon | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 22, 2008

Since I’ve joined the BlogHer ad network, I have had this weird obsession with coming up with crazy blog titles just to see them show up in other people’s sidebars.

Look, I am unemployed and I have to get entertainment from anywhere I can. And this kind of entertainment is FREE! Do not judge me.

So, last week I got a call from some woman who found my resume online and figured I would be a good fit for some position. I came to find out it was a staffing company who had a temporary opening for an office manager role at a marketing design firm. They needed someone for two months while some woman went out on maternity leave.

After the phone call, me, myself and I had a real come-to-Jesus meeting about my job situation. Me reminded all of us that we’re still OK financially and that we have unemployment money coming in. Myself figured it might be worth it to go in and hear what this woman has to say, since it isn’t like anyone else is knocking down our door. I, on the other hand, have jumped into full-blown pessimistic mode and am convinced that I will never find a job and OMG, I will be living in a paper box down by the river and did you know it is almost WINTER? I will have to wear winter boots made from newspaper! I will have to shop at the HOBO store for sure! Hopefully they take containers of urine as a form of payment.

The three of us kind of came to some sort of middle ground, and I went on this interview today. My gut didn’t want to go either, but these days I can never tell if it is because in my gut I know it is a bad idea or if my gut really just doesn’t want to shower, put on make-up and leave the house. It’s weird, but those two feelings are similar in my gut.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have gone. My appointment was for 11 this morning. I was there early and started to fill out the paperwork. If you’ve never been to a staffing agency, the paperwork is a bitch. They ask for 17 references and make you fill out all the stuff that is on your resume on some sheet BY HAND. I do not write things out anymore. That is what keyboards are for! I knew, as I was filling this repetitive info out, that this place was never going to find anything for me and this cramp in my hand would never feel vindicated!

Around 11:20 or so, I Twittered that I had been waiting for 20 minutes. I was about ready to leave. It is one thing to wait, but no one came out to talk to me. NO ONE! Not a “sorry we’re running late” or a “So-and-So will be with you shortly.” NOTHING.

FINALLY, at 11:40 the recruiter lady came to get me. FORTY MINUTES LATE. Because I was already irritated that I even went (I even promised gut a Chipotle burrito for lunch for mistrusting his feeling that this would be a waste of time), I told the woman that I was irritated. I said “you realize it is 11:40 and I’ve been sitting out there for 40 minutes, right? And this interview was supposed to be at 11?” She was all “no it was 11:30” (which is a load of hooey, I tell you, HOOEY). And then she said something, that maybe I was supposed to be impressed with, “well, I’m the owner and I have to do payroll.” THEN DON’T SCHEDULE INTERVIEWS AT THAT TIME! Payroll does not sneak up on you! It comes on a very regular schedule. THAT YOU ESTABLISH!

Because I was so irritated, I barely answered her questions and kept constantly glaring over at her computer screen, which I could see was on CNN. NOT ON PAYROLL! And since it was a small office, I had seen her around 11:20 or so chit-chatting with one of the other women in the office about Sarah Palin’s expensive wardrobe. SO RUDE!

It got even worse. I have a feeling she only brought me in because of my job at the 49ers. Which, I’m fine with. It has never gotten me in the door for an interview before (I know! Surprising!), so I’ll take it. But this woman was a huge Bears fan. And once placed someone over at the Chicago Blackhawks office, so therefore she knew EVERYTHING there was to know about how sports teams were run.

Let me tell you, nothing irritates me more than people who think they know what it is like to work in sports. Yes, it is cool. But guess what? That coolness wears off after awhile and then it is a job. And it has some awesome perks. And I loved my time with the 49ers and it was a great experience and I met a lot of great people. But working in sports has a lot of shitty aspects too. And there are a lot of politics in sports and sexism and all sorts of not fun things. So unless you’ve experienced it, don’t talk like you know what it is like. We are a fraternity. And you, recruiter lady, so are not a card-carrying member.

So I basically left the meeting feeling like I showered and put on a suit so I could take the train down to the Loop to get lunch and some Dunkin Donuts coffee. It wasn’t worth it. (OK, the coffee was totally worth it.) I’d be surprised if I heard anything from them, if they will have any positions open that I am a fit for. I’m crossing my fingers, but I’m not optimistic. Myself and Me, they are optimistic. Too bad I have supreme rule and I’m the pessimistic one.

But it started me thinking. And thinking led to panicking. I don’t have any offers on the table. And after next week, it is November. Which means that the holidays are right around the corner. And no one hires during the holidays. Which means I’ll more than likely be unemployed until 2009. And that is a scary fucking thought.

Which means in my head, I’m heading down the path that I am so hoping to avoid, which is taking a job I don’t want. Taking a job I will hate, just because I have to pay the bills, and then looking for a job again in the near future. To me, that’s scarier than being unemployed well into 2009. That thought makes me want to cry, buckets and buckets of wine tears.

I’m forcing myself to stay positive, though. There is something out there for me. And maybe I will, in a few months, have to take some temp jobs before I figure it all out. At least if I don’t like those jobs, I know it won’t be forever. Everything will work itself out and I will eventually, much to my nap-loving, sleeping-in-daily self’s dismay, have to go back to showering every day and dressing in real clothes, clothes whose names do not start with “sweat” nor “tee”. I know I will have to go back to having conversations with people and not just cats.

Until then, I have wine club wine to drink and tubs of ice cream to devour. And that is something Me, Myself and I can ALL agree upon.

Category: Job Search, Unemployment Line | 28 Comments »
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