Bacon Says “Help Me To Help You”

Posted By on October 24, 2008

You know who we haven’t heard from in awhile? Yes, you guessed it, BACON! He’s actually been kind of neglected, as I found out as I went through my archives. He had such a busy couple of months, leaving the house for the first time and going to Vegas and San Francisco TWICE! But he has kind of not left his spot on the coffee table in the living room since BlogHer. He has left an ass-print on the table like I’ve left on the couch from months of inactivity.

So I figured since we haven’t heard from him in awhile, that his adoring fans would like to hear from him. And maybe even ask him a few questions. Because he is all-knowing and also wise. Bacon has been completely useful in the past to many a reader of Kristabella. On this post and this post, he helped answer people’s burning questions.

He will answer anything and everything. And he will bring his salty attitude to his responses. Listed below are some sample burning questions for Bacon, along with his answers. To get sage advice like this, all you have to do is leave your question for Bacon in the comments.


Bacon, did Josh Duggar cry on his wedding night? Either because no one bought him jerky or because maybe, um, he couldn’t perform?

Bacon says that Josh Duggar should cry for even being stupid enough to register for jerky in the first place. And maybe shed a tear or two over your cheap guests who couldn’t even spring for the jerky. But most of all, Bacon’s answer is that yes, Josh Duggar did shed tears because he was told to “Liven Up A Salad” and didn’t realize that tossed salad had an entirely different meaning.

I recently used my toothbrush to brush my cats’ teeth. I noticed one of them sneezing this morning. Bacon, am I going to get sick from my cats?

Well, first off, Bacon says you are already sick. Because why would you use YOUR toothbrush in your cat’s mouth? Bacon wants to remind you that a cat’s mouth contains the tongue that has recently spent a great deal of time licking its asshole. Bacon says “Shrivel” because that’s pretty much what will happen to any man’s penis when you tell him this story. Spinsterville: Population YOU.

So Bacon, I have these neighbors below me. They are really annoying. On top of “rehearsing” with their “band” until after midnight, they also have an annoying wind chime on their back porch. Bacon, I live in the Windy City. I want to know, how do you murder a wind chime?

Hmmm, this is quite a conundrum. Bacon just wanted to use that word. He thinks this is an interesting situation. Bacon figures you could probably just steal the wind chime while they are at work. Maybe on your way to throw out the trash. What’s that you say? These people don’t work? Well, in that case, Bacon says to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B means you just beat the hell out of that stupid wind chime. Also, Bacon thinks it would be funny to leave a ransom not.


So there you have it. See, Bacon can and will answer anything with the kind of advice only he could give. So leave your questions in the comments! Bacon will be back next week to answer all your important wonderings.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


15 Responses to “Bacon Says “Help Me To Help You””

  1. HouseofJules says:

    Dear Bacon,
    Why does my annoying neighbor always take his cat for a walk (on a cat-leash) right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left of my door?
    I love you,
    House of Jules

    HouseofJuless last blog post..I am not undecided; David Sedaris gets my vote* every time.

  2. OOOOh pick me pick me!

    Dear Bacon,

    what will happen to Sarah Palin’s $150,000 color-me-smart wardrobe after her and McCain lose the upcoming presidential election? (And yes, I AM knocking on wood right now, throwing salt over my left shoulder, and saying a short prayer to a god I don’t necessarily believe in just to make sure I didn’t jinx it for us)?

    I hope the answer involves a skillet or something equally heinous!

    Tokyo Cowgirls last blog post..Characters of Japan Series : The Metropolis (or) My Last Word

  3. Mahnee says:

    Bacon, I’m tormented by people downtown in Chicago who STROLL, not walk, on the way to public transportation. And they tend to STROLL in packs so you can’t just walk around them. I feel like I’m playing human dodgeball. Since I don’t want to end up with a bullet up my ass for saying something salty to them, what can I do?

  4. Bacon, what is up with those assholes who block all traffic in the grocery store parking lot just so that they can back into the parking space? It’s not like they need the quick getaway and backing in will make it harder for them to load their groceries in the trunk.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Elegant Fashion: Into the wild

  5. Elle Charlie says:

    Bacon, how can I get my husband to put his beloved Karmen Ghia into storage so I can have my garage spot back? And on that note, why have *I* lost *my* garage spot for his second car? Sincerely, Frost on the Windshield

    Elle Charlies last blog post..Confessions of an unemployed housewife

  6. Elle Charlie says:

    P.S. Bacon please answer my question referring to yourself in the third person, I really dig that.

    Elle Charlies last blog post..Confessions of an unemployed housewife

  7. bikerchick says:

    Dear Bacon, can you please help a girl out with the robocalls? You see, I work all day at a lousy stinkin’ job and come home all optimistic that the evening will be more fun. Imagine my delight when my answering machine cheerily greets me with 17! new! messages! SQUEE, right? Only they are all automatons beseeching me to vote for their person on November 4th. If I leave an outbound message that says I’ve already voted early, do you think the robocalls will understand this?

  8. “Spinsterville: Population YOU.” This warms my cold, cold heart.

    My question for Bacon: Can a non-celebrity person like me just up & assume another name, like so many celebrities have recently, without looking like a total douchebag (unlike so many celebrities recently)? I’m not asking for a P. Diddy/ Puffy/ Puff Daddy carousel of stupid, just the occasional right to change my name to some other normal name.

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..Target v. J. Crew Smackdown: More Shoes

  9. Evil Genius says:

    Dearest Bacon, as soon as I saw that you love using the word conundrum, I knew you would be just the one to help me with my very own (conundrum). You see, I’ve been a Starbucks whore for many, many years now. Unfortunately, since we seem to have fallen on some hard times here at chez Evil, I can no longer afford my elixir of choice on a daily basis. I have given this matter considerable thought and the only solution I can come up with is pimping out my husband for spare change. Although he’s in decent physical condition, he is 52 years old and can’t run very fast. What do you think would be the going rate for such a commidity?

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..A Dose of Happy

  10. Darcey says:

    Bacon, do you think this terrifying thing is real?

    Also, do you think it might come to eat me in my sleep?

  11. Too freaking hysterical!! “Liven up a salad?” I think Rachel Ray says that and I will never be able to keep a straight face again when I hear it.

    Also? “Spinsterville Population: You?” Priceless.

    Anonymous New Yorks last blog post..Personal Best

  12. slynnro says:

    Bacon is awesome. THE END. He and sassy kay should be BFF.

    slynnros last blog post..Self Proclaimed Product Expert Appears in ACTUAL PUBLICATION.

  13. Angella says:

    Bacon should come to Canada to visit. And bring you, of course.

    Angellas last blog post..Guarding My Heart

  14. Rhi says:


    Will I get to meet you when I’m in Chicago in a week or so?



    Rhis last blog post..Friday Bullets: Houseguest Edition

  15. Dear Bacon.

    Why do people keep watching American Idol?

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..Another SATGS PSA – Metal Trivets