Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 24, 2009

This is my 600th post. I’m sure most bloggers have written more posts than that in three-plus years, but that seems like A LOT to me. Thankfully my mom is like the only one that has been here since the beginning. I truly hope none of you have gone all the way back to the beginning because wow, there are some bad posts.

For my 200th post, I wrote something stupid. (See what I mean about bad posts?) The next day I wrote a 201 Things post. (If you want to know almost everything about me, then read that.)

For my 400th post, I gave away some bacon goodies.

For my 500th post, I complained about being tired. Which pretty much sums up this blog in a nutshell.

And for this, my 600th post, I give away nothing!

No! I kid! Come back!

I actually decided that I’m going to give away not one, but two, COUNT ‘EM TWO, Bacon shirts. To TWO lucky winners!

So I have two Cafepress stores. They both sell Bacon items. One contains items that don’t have the word fuck on it, the other store contains only items WITH the word fuck on it.

You get your pick! Without:

Or with:

(That’s actually a mousepad, but shows the design better.)

So browse the two shops and pick out one shirt (or mousepad or bib or onesie) to call your own, if you’re one of the two lucky winners.

To enter, you just have to leave a comment (only one entry per person. Sorry, I’m a comment whore, but not that much. I mean, I am President of the Lazy Club.) It’s that easy! To make it even easier, your comment should contain 600 words EXACTLY about why I am the most awesomest person in the world.

No! I kid! I keed!

But, if you need help on what to write a comment about and don’t feel like blowing sunshine up my ass (although, that is always welcome! Such a refreshing feeling, sunshine up the ass!), please tell my your favorite breakfast cereal. Today mine is Cookie Crisp. Because that is what I had for dinner. I even braved the grocery store two days before Thanksgiving with all the idiots of the world in order to acquire said Cookie Crisp.

Good luck! And have a happy BaconThanksgiving everyone!

Fine print: Contest will close at midnight Central time on Monday, November 30 sometime on Tuesday, December 1. Whenever I get around to it. Winners will be chosen from comments with use of one of those random number generator thingys. If you win a shirt, you have to promise to actually wear it. And possibly photograph yourself in it. Or I’ll take it back. Bribes are accepted. But have no bearing on the outcome. Because winners are chosen randomly. Note to potential bribers – I like cookies. And Swedish fish. And cake without fruit in it. And booze. And money.

Category: Bacon, Contests | 41 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 23, 2009

Oh, hello there dear reader. Apparently I have a blog. I seemed to have forgotten that fact. I apologize, but I seem to have come down with another case of The Tireds. Most of last week, I went to bed before 10 PM. And then there was the night I went to bed at 3 AM and decided to drunkenly text the cop, but we won’t discuss that here, now will we?

So how are you fair readers? Are there any of you left out there? From my stats, it doesn’t seem like it, but I will keep on keepin’ on.

Did you all have nice weekends? Mine was pretty low key. My brother and nephew came over for a bit on Saturday afternoon, I got an eyebrow wax, I napped a lot and I saw New Moon. Nothing too exciting.

But I did want to tell you about on odd thing that happened to me this weekend.

As I mentioned, my brother and my nephew Noah came over on Saturday afternoon for a few hours. My SIL and my niece were going downtown to have lunch at American Girl Place. Skyler got the doll for a combo Christmas and birthday present from my SIL’s mom. And since Noah is almost eight and against all things girly, he did NOT want to go. And since my brother didn’t want to park downtown, they came to hang out with me. The kids really like my balcony. Old Auntie has it so sweet in her high-rise living! (I’m on the third floor.)

Anyway, after they left, there was a knock at my door. They were back again, apparently they forgot some of Noah’s toys. After they left a second time there was another knock at my door. I figured they needed to pee or wanted a drink for the road or something.

Turns out, it wasn’t them. It was my neighbor from down the hall. I had seen her once before. She lives at the end of the hall and has a very large dog that lives with her. One time they were locked out and she was just sitting in the hall with said large dog. I ran down the stairs as fast I could. Did I mention it was a LARGE dog? Like a Doberman or something?

Anyway, so the chick knocks on my door. I’m caught off guard because that has never happened. Not in the 6 months I have lived here, nor the four years I lived in my apartment. It basically has never happened to me, recently, that I can recall. I give off an unneighborly vibe, apparently. Or had.

Since I don’t know any of my neighbors, I figured I should be nice and accommodating because I don’t want them to think I’m a bitch. But I also don’t want them to ever knock on my door again, unless it is to offer me free wine. That I will take from them and drink alone in my house.

Neighbor girl asked if I had a plunger I could borrow.

First thought: Um, what?

Second thought: Do I even have a plunger?

I had her come in for a second so the cats wouldn’t run out the door and checked for her. I did indeed have one. So I lent it to her. She told me that she’d be back when she was done. And then I sat down on the couch and thought about EXACTLY what I had just done.

Of course, I first Twittered about it. Because I was like “that wouldn’t be the most ideal way to introduce yourself to a neighbor would it? Hahahaha! Better her than me!” And then I thought more about the plunger and what she’d be doing with it and then I barfed in the sink. Which wasn’t smart, since I didn’t have a plunger if my sink got clogged.

After about 20 minutes, she didn’t come back. I figured it was because she realized the grossness of this and would just BUY me a new plunger instead of giving me the tainted one back.

I was wrong.

About 25 minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and saw Neighbor Girl holding the plunger. Except Neighbor Girl, who had previously been in a sweater and jeans, was now in a tank top and visibly sweaty. Like she has just spent the last TWENTY FIVE MINUTES USING THE PLUNGER! THE PLUNGER SHE WAS HOLDING IN HER HAND! SHE WAS SPENT!

She handed it back to me, saying “it finally worked!” and then decided this, THIS, was the time to introduce herself and shake my hand! So I did, because I’m TOO NICE and do you remember that she has a LARGE DOG?

And then I took the plunger, tossed it in the garbage and washed my hands with bleach. For about 13 minutes.

I will never be able to look her in the eyes again. She’ll always be known to me as Deuce.

(I swear, I can’t make this shit up.) (Pun intended.)

I should have just lied. This is what my mom gets for teaching me manners and to help people out.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, The Hizzouse | 25 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 17, 2009

I think I’m starting to move into hibernation mode. It could be because we are finally having semi-seasonal weather here in Chicago. I say semi-seasonal because it is still close to 50 and it was 70 over the weekend. But now we’re getting the rain and clouds and wind and chill in the air. It feels much more like November than it did when we went to the Bears game 10 days ago and it was in the 70s.

Yesterday I took a 1/2 day off from work to go downtown to stand on a corner and ask for money. No! I kid! (Although, I did find out I have to pay my property taxes on December 1, so maybe that isn’t such a bad idea. Hmmmm…) Actually, I went downtown to meet the lovely Metalia for lunch! And to hug her! And maybe try to fold her into her very large bag so that I could take her home with me. She is very wee, but really didn’t appreciate me trying to shove her into a bag and sling it over my shoulder. Although, some lovely tourists thought we were doing a street performance and tipped us a couple of ducats. We bought ice cream.

Anyway, after lunch and just general talk of blogging and the internet, we decided to walk around on Michigan Avenue and window shop on our way back to the red line. It was pretty windy and cool yesterday, and I was wearing just a fleece jacket because as I was leaving the house in the morning I thought “Hmmm, it might be a little cool today, maybe it is time to break out the heavier coat?” And then my brain was all “NO WAY, DUMBASS! It was just 70 two days ago and you had your WINDOWS OPEN!” So I listened to my brain, even though my brain is apparently forgetful and forgot that the weather in Chicago changes on a dime! STUPID BRAIN!

When I got home, I was beat. (After stopping at 7-11 to get some cat food because the cats had NONE and I was afraid they were going to learn how to open the fridge or cabinets) (they get CRAZY when there is no food! They try to eat my mail!) (You remember this post, DON’T YOU?) I was so exhausted. It was barely 5 PM and I couldn’t even keep my eyes open long enough to eat my dinner, let alone read many more pages of my million-page novel. Finally around 7 PM, I caved. I took my contacts out, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I was zonked out by 8 PM.

The only explanation I have is either 1) I’m secretly a bear and now that winter is approaching, it is time to eat and hibernate or 2) the cold air and wind and being outside for any length of time tuckered me out. Seeing as from 10 PM Friday night until Monday morning, I only left the house to drive to get Taco Bell. I am pretty sure all that fresh air and EXERCISE made my brain think “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO US? SHUTTING DOWN! ABORT! ABORT!”

But it was worth it! I had a great time in the little time I saw Metalia (she needs to MOVE HERE!) and I only worked a half day! Win win!

And now it is time to go eat some salmon from the river and fall into a nice slumber. (I have no ideas what bears do, unless they are stealing pick-a-nick baskets.)

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Land of Random, The Lazies | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 15, 2009

Did you guys have RIF in school? Reading Is Fundamental? I don’t really remember what it entailed, but that we got a free book and had a book fair. And I was a nerd so YAY! BOOKS!

Anyway, I bring this up because I have spent the last seven hours of my day reading a book. And I’m not even halfway done. DAMN YOU 900-PAGE NOVELS! And while fun, it is also freaking exhausting. Like I fell asleep on the couch at 6 PM because my day? SO EXHAUSTING.

I actually had big plans this weekend. It was my first free weekend in quite some time, so I was going to clean, and make a nice dinner and clean and catch up on my DVR and put together furniture. All I ended up getting done was dinner, some of the DVR and some of the furniture.

I ended up at IKEA on Friday night and got some stuff for the house – a futon for the second bedroom and a new TV stand, for when I buy myself a new flat screen TV after the first of the year. (YAY! First time home buyer’s tax credit!) IKEA delivers for a reasonable amount, and since I drive a car the size of a box and am also lazy and don’t like carrying things, I had them deliver it on Saturday. It worked out awesome! IKEA Delivery FTW!

I only managed to get the futon together and set up, before declaring myself exhausted and going out to grab some dinner. But at least Hotel Kristabella is now open for business. Guests welcome! (Just give me a heads up, since, well, I haven’t cleaned.) (But the mattress is very comfy. I made sure.)

After a grueling hour of putting it together, I rewarded myself with Taco Bell for dinner. Yes, I consider Taco Bell a reward. And good thing too, since INTERNET, I AM GETTING MARRIED! TO HOT SAUCE PACKET! YOU ARE ALL INVITED!

Since Saturday was mostly a bust, I figured I would be productive on Sunday! I would clean! I would get the pot roast ready in the crock pot! I would put together the TV stand! I would finally hang pictures! I would make it look like I hadn’t just moved in!

Well, it started off good. I did get the pot roast ready in the crock pot, about 2 hours later than expected because I forgot to turn ON the alarm after I set it. And then I kind of started cleaning. I loaded the dishwasher and then ran it. And then later even unloaded it. And then I read my book. And that sums up my day. The end.

(I’m reading this book, which is really good. But 900 pages. And book club is Thursday. GULP.)

I’m only about halfway through. Because I forced myself to do a few things around the house every few chapters (see dishwasher. Also emptying trash and litter box.)

But I actually really enjoyed my weekend. It has been a long time where I’ve just done nothing but catch up. A Sunday of reading a great novel is really all a girl can ask for.

Unless your upstairs neighbors decide to have children over. Children who you hear running from one side of the condo to the other. Which, HOW EXCITING CAN THAT BE? My cats don’t even do that! It’s not that big of a place!

And my pot roast turned out excellent. (Hat tip to Darcey for the recipe.)

So how was your weekend? Was it so good that getting proposed to isn’t even the BEST thing that happened?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, BORE-ring | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 12, 2009

• I’m stealing a page out of Rhi’s book and doing bullets as my last post of the week.
• Because I have nothing to write about.
• See, I have to be pretty focused when I write each night. And the Bears are on right now and I can only pay attention to one thing.
• I didn’t used to always be like this.
• I blame my DVR for my utter lack of an attention span.
• What did you say?
• So, witty text sent. Witty text, not returned. It’s OK though. I’m glad I “put myself out there” since it is something I NEVER do.
• Even if really, it was such a pansy way of “putting yourself out there.”
• BABY STEPS, PEOPLE!
• Also, I’m sure the He’s Just Not That Into You people are laughing because they are like “well if he didn’t call when he said he would call, he’s (CHORUS) JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!”
• To which I say to those people “fuck off. There was no way texting him could make it worse. Because hi! Still not calling!”
• Rich Eisen is the host of the halftime show on NFL Network. I worked in the NFL when the NFL Network first got started. I met Rich Eisen  in Chicago, oddly enough, at a party in the Signature Room in the John Hancock Building.
• I should mention, I was pretty drunk.
• I took a cab back to the hotel with Rich Eisen and a few others.
• I only called him Rich Eisen, his full name, not just Rich.
• At some point later in the evening/early morning, we were all at this crowded bar in the hotel. Rich Eisen was on one side on the bar, I was way on the other.
• For some reason I thought it was a good idea to scream out, yes, SCREAM OUT, “RICH EISEN!”
• And then he pointed at me and yelled “Hey! KRISTIN!”
• I have a lot of these stupid stories.
• Like the time Jay Mohr called me cute.
• Tomorrow I’m going back to IKEA. I’m planning on purchasing a futon for my second bedroom, a new TV stand and hopefully a cabinet for my living room so I can finally unpack all the boxes.
• I’ve only lived here for oh, six months.
• In my post yesterday, I talked about bloggers just understanding blogging and Twitter. This was not more apparent than when I was in Atlanta in September. After suffering some bad heartburn in the middle of the night, and not being able to sleep, I Twittered about it. At like 4 AM. The next morning, Darcey came in to wake me up or something and she said “do you need me to get you some Tums?” Which was funny, because we hadn’t spoken for like 10 hours.
• I love that about social media.
• My family and non-blogging friends think it is kind of weird.
• At least I’m not signing up for Farmville.
• Yet.
• I have Google Wave now. I still don’t understand it completely, but I feel like in a year, EVERYONE will be using it.
• It’s a TIME SUCK!
• You’d think I was doing NaBloPoMo with how useless this post is.
• So tell me, are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Anything exciting that doesn’t involve Allen wrenches?

Category: All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 26 Comments »
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