Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 12, 2010

Why hello there fair blog readers! It has been awhile, hasn’t it? I wish I could tell you that I was away on some tropical vacation with a hot, sexy man, but alas, that is so far from the truth. It appears that karma decided to bitch-slap me and give me what the dog had.

I have literally spent the last way too many days, in bed, eating toast, drinking water and shitting my brains out.

It all started Tuesday night when I got home. I wasn’t hungry and ended up only having a bowl of cereal for dinner. Then as I was sitting on the couch, I was FREEZING! It was about 95 degrees out and super humid and yet, I was freezing in my house with the A/C on. Even though it is set to the same temperature every single day.

I was tired and figured I should go to bed early. I was fine until I woke up about 4:30 AM and then spent the next two hours on the toilet. I decided not to go to work, obviously, since 1) I didn’t know if I could drive in without having to stop and 2) I don’t like spending that much time in the bathroom at work. Or any public bathroom, for that matter.

Regan has dubbed ass-splosions “The Kristin Johnsons”, hence the title of the post. And her poor son has been afflicted with The Kristin Johnsons this past week too. But he’s lucky because he wears a diaper and doesn’t have to worry about pooping in a gas station bathroom in the middle of nowhere because he can’t make it home.

I will spare you more poop talk and just tell you that it still hasn’t gone away. I went to work on Friday and attempted to eat something more than toast for lunch. I had soup and a turkey sandwich. You would have thought the soup was laced with Ex-Lax from the reaction I had. I made it until about 4:30 in the office (after several incidents of The Kristin Johnsons at work) and decided I needed to go home. Let’s just say, I barely made it home. It was ROUGH.

So much for no more poop talk, huh? Like calling it The Kristin Johnsons makes the fact I’m talking about loose stool any less gross.

I’M DONE! I SWEAR!

Anyway, the worst part about it? I was supposed to go up to Milwaukee this past weekend to visit Ali and her family. But it’s almost a two-hour drive up there. And I knew it was a big risk, so I stayed home. I was so sad. But I have vowed to kick The Kristin Johnsons to the curb this week and go up there next weekend. Because it has been awhile since I’ve celebrated the Sabbath and I miss my second family.

So that’s what’s been going on with me. And why I have been MIA. And why everyone on Twitter wishes I would just stop talking about poop.

I still have a sneaky suspicion the cats were behind it somehow…

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Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady, Medical Mishaps, Spinsterville Here I Come | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 6, 2010

So I’m still talking about the dog. No, really.

If you follow me on Twitter, this is not news to you. And I’m still going to talk about it because, well, I feel like whining.

I have spent the last couple of days at my brother’s house. I made it up to my brother’s house on Friday night. I decided to spend the weekend up here for a number of reasons:

1. This is Bella’s house, so she’ll be more comfortable.
2. My cats can stop hiding under the bed.
3. My brother has a pool.
4. There are no sisters or roommates here.
5. Yard. No more poop walks.
6. Huge flat screen TV.
7. POOL.

Plus, my brother and his family get home from vacation on Tuesday, so the dog would be here when they got back and I wouldn’t have to a) watch the dog for a day longer than needed and b) I wouldn’t have to make an extra trip up here to return the dog.

I was so looking forward to a relaxing weekend. I was going to chill by the pool, read, drink beer, watch TV, sleep in. It was going to be my version of a vacation without leaving the state.

It started off all well and good. Saturday morning I got up, made some coffee, put on my suit, lathered on the SPF 100 and headed outside. I was armed with 20 back issues of US Weekly and had not a care in the world! I was out there for about 3 hours (lest I burn my pale, pale skin).

When I came in for the day to shower, I noticed a puddle of dog poop on the living room carpet. It was my fault, I told myself, for leaving the dog inside for an hour while I was outside. I thought nothing of it. I especially thought nothing of it combined with the fact that she had been farting all morning and they were so smelly, it burned the skin off my arms.

Later in the day, as I followed her out to make sure she went potty (since I didn’t want another accident), I noticed she had the liquid squirts. I freaked out. I mean, what do you give to a dog with diarrhea? Can you just keep it outside until it goes away?

I of course got on my computer and Googled it and then asked all the wise dog owners on Twitter. (WHAT DID I EVER DO BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA? FOR REALS!) The verdict was to give her some rice, maybe some canned pumpkin. I also read online that fasting for at least 12 hours was good. So I locked her in her crate for the night and hoped when we woke up 12 hours later, she would be ass-squirt free!

(HAHAHAHAHAHA!!) (That is the sound of my future self laughing at my past self and her optimism!)

She whined in her crate all night. Mostly because she’s not used to sleeping in the crate. I’d imagine a lot of it was because she didn’t feel well. I didn’t care. Because poop in the crate was better than poop on my brother’s bed.

Around 5 AM, I heard her whining quite a bit. I figured I’d get up and let her out and see what tha damage was.

The damage was two poop soaked blankets and a VERY DIRTY CRATE! I let her out and proceeded to throw the blankets in the wash and clean the crate. She was allowed back in and locked back in the crate sans blankets.

After I woke up for the day on Sunday, I decided I needed to go out to get white rice and some Pepto (another Twitter suggestion). I cooked her some rice (which she will only eat if she’s HUNGRY) and gave her some Pepto. Good thing I’m at my brother’s house, where they have kids, which means they have syringes by which to administer medicine.

Have you ever tried to give a dog Pepto? They like it more than you think. But still, NOT AN EASY TASK!

Sunday we spent the day outside. I actually spent four hours here:

I learned my lesson and if I was outside, so was the dog. She had some more liquid poops, but she seemed to have more energy. She was still only eating rice and drinking water, but it seemed to be working. I put her in the crate again on Sunday night because I couldn’t afford any poop-tastrophes.

Sunday morning, early, I heard her whining, so I let her out to do her business. She was back to her old, hyper self. She was a crazy dog! I was like “YAY! She’s back to normal!” So since it was early and I was going back to bed, I let her in bed with me for a few hours.

When I got up for the day, I noticed some poop puddles throughout the house and on the bed. (THE BED! NEAR WHERE I WAS SLEEPING! OMG! SHE COULD HAVE POOPED ON ME! DOG POOP! GAH! GROSS!!!)

I decided she wasn’t better, so we got some more Pepto and more rice and went on with our day.

I think she is getting better. I just tested her with a small serving of dog food. She’s been really hungry, so I thought maybe her tummy could handle it. She’ll be sleeping in the crate again tonight, so we shall see how this experiment goes. I really hope I am not washing poop blankets at 5 AM.

And just because I was at my wit’s end, she decided to escape this evening and run down the block! I had to chase her and thankfully she came back! Because she wanted to make me lose my shit like she lost hers this weekend!

So thankfully, I’m going back to work in the morning. Tomorrow evening I will be at home with my cats.Not worrying about poop or making food for anyone but myself and being glad my Shrek hand is now back to its normal size.

And I will need a vacation from my vacation!

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Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady | 13 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 29, 2010

So Monday morning was my first work day as a someone who has a dog. Someone who has to deal with walks and picking up poop and feeding animals and keeping cats and dogs away from each other.

On morning number one, I failed miserably. So much so, I ended up having to go to the doctor with my ailments.

I should back up, shouldn’t I?

I got up Monday morning and as I was brushing my teeth, I heard a rustle in the kitchen. I rushed in to find Kitty Kitty backed into a corner in the kitchen, hissing at the dog, hair standing on end and losing her shit (not literally, thankfully). I tried to get the dog out of the picture and yanked at her collar. It’s a break-away collar so it came off in my hand. My next thought was to get the cat out of the situation since she was so fucking freaked out and rendered stupid, that she didn’t realize she could jump on the kitchen counter and get away from the dog, who cannot jump.

This will go down as probably one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.

Dear people of the world, do not try to pick up a cat that is so pissed off and is hissing and looks like this:

Because that’s what I did. I figured I could pick her up, she’d know I would do her no harm, and I could get her into a room with a door and away from the dog.

But she was freaked out and she bit me. And she didn’t just bite me, she BIT me. Like 2 deep puncture wounds that started bleeding immediately. It caused such a ruckus that it woke up my sister and she came out thinking we were being robbed and asked if everything was OK. I responded, as I had my hand in my mouth so I didn’t bleed everywhere, that things were indeed not OK and I needed her to take the cats and close her door. She did and the rest of the morning went off without a hitch. Except my hand was KILLING ME!

It started to swell right away and the bleeding just wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t too worried at first. But then as the day went on, my hand continued to swell and I couldn’t make a fist. And then Nic told me I had to go to the doctor because cat’s mouths are dirty and I could get Cat Scratch Disease, which is a real thing! I KNOW!

So I did. And I got a prescription for antibiotics in case I get an infection. (You know it must have been bad for me to willingly go get antibiotics after my last episode.)

But it still hurts. And it feels like it is more swollen. And I’ve dubbed it “Shrek Hand”.

And lest you think my hands are normally this fat, here is a comparison. I have man hands, but not Shrek hands.

So if you need me for the rest of the week, I’ll be slowly trying to type without crying. Because that Shrek hand? Hurts like a mofo!

And now I better go take the dog out because I don’t want to add “picking up dog poop in my house” to my “Crappy Things That Have Happened This Week” list.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 27, 2010

Casa Kristabella has yet another house guest. Her name is Bella and she is a hyper little bitch.

What? She’s a female dog!

The cats are not as pleased as they were the last time we brought in a house guest.

This is what Simba has been doing when he’s not hissing at Bella. He’s not very happy with me.

I haven’t seen Kitty Kitty in a day. Last I saw her, she was scratching up my skin and ripping holes in my shirt when I tried to get her away from the dog. So I let her go under the bed in the 2nd bedroom and she’s been there ever since. I hope she comes out to use the litter box or eat.

(Actually I sleep with the dog at night with my door closed so the cats can have free reign of the house during the night. And Bella will be in her crate all day while I’m at work this week, lest you think I am abusing my cats.)

Having Bella in my house for the last 24 hours has taught me a few things. One, dogs don’t really belong in condos. I just feel so bad for her when she clearly wants to be outside and play in the fresh air, but she can’t because if I let her out on my patio, she would jump to her death. Because she’s kind of dumb. And two, if and when I get a dog, I need a lazy dog. Not a hyper one. One that is more like Ali’s dog Indiana, who moves as much as I do in a day, which is to say not a lot. See?

But it is fun having Bella for the week. She thinks it is so awesome to go for walks throughout the city neighborhoods! And she’s so small that all we need is a trip around the block and she’s worn out. So I can still be lazy.

Plus, she’s kind of cute, so we’ll keep her around for the week while her family is on vacation, no matter what the cats prefer.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 24, 2010

Did you know that the new Apple iPhone came out today? And did you know I had a hell of a time actually getting through to reserve one online last week? But I finally did and had to pick it up at the store because they will only ship to your billing address. And people steal shit at my billing address. So I reserved one and was all set to pick it up today and enjoy it! HOO RAY!

I knew the lines would be intense. So I opted to go after work instead of before. The closest Apple store was in the burbs, but I was hoping that was a better option than going to the Apple store downtown. (Good call on my part since the wait was over five hours STILL at 7 PM.) So I trekked all the way there after work, getting to the mall about 6:30 PM. I figured it was plenty of time to get my phone before the store closed at 9 PM and my reservation was no longer valid.

Boy was I wrong!

I had heard all the stories throughout the day online about the long lines and long wait times. But I figured it would have died down by 6 PM, right?

WRONG! OH SO VERY WRONG!

I turned the corner near where the Apple store was and I ran smack dab into a wall of people. A long line. Probably close to 100 people deep. See? (And this was after standing for 30 minutes.)

I have no patience for lines. I especially have no patience for lines when I RESERVED A PHONE. I have even less patience when I’ve worked a full day, am starving and have to pee.

After 30 minutes, I think about 4-5 people got in the store. At this rate, I figured, I would be there well past 10 PM. And since I was by myself, I had no buddy to hold my spot while I peed or grabbed food. So I decided to bail. (And rewarded my good sense with a stop at Old Navy where I partook in their big 30% off sale and got two cute dresses.)

IT IS A PHONE, for Pete’s sake! And guess what? I do currently have an iPhone. Yes, it is now two models ago, but it still works. I can still check my email, Twitter and Facebook on the go. Getting a new, MUST-HAVE gadget on the first day isn’t that big of a deal to me.

Now granted, had I gotten it, this whole post would have been an ode to my new phone. And how it was already covered in kisses. And that I obsessively licked it. And how I was going to sleep with it for the rest of time.

I’m bummed, but it isn’t like I’m not going to get one. This isn’t a ONE DAY ONLY DEAL!! The phone will be available soon. So if I have to wait a few weeks/months to get it, in exchange for NOT waiting in line? So be it. I can deal.

But it begs the question, what would I wait in line that long for? A few things come to mind:

• Cubs World Series tickets
• A bathroom
• To see a member of my family or a close friend

Um, that’s all I can think of. Not much. I do not like standing in line. I’ll stand on a corner to watch a 10 minute parade of Blackhawks, but I will not stand and WAIT in a line to get a phone. There’s some ass backwards logic for you.

What would you wait in line for, for that long of a time, to get your hands on?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, The Lazies | 17 Comments »
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