Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on July 26, 2010

Do you remember this post? I talked about how I was starting to eat better and track calories and I was going to join a gym. I even said in that post that I was joining the gym the next night. I’ve also been saying that for awhile.

So that didn’t happen. If I recall, the night I planned to go to the gym after work, there was a tornado warning and the sirens were going off and I huddled in the bathroom with my cat. Yes cat. Because Kitty Kitty doesn’t come when you call so Simba and I left her because we weren’t going to go down in the storm. Every man and feline for himself!

Regardless, that was over a month ago. It didn’t help that soon after that I got the Kristin Johnsons and really, driving to the gym and being far from home base (read: MY TOILET) wasn’t the best idea. So I put it off. I didn’t get the honor of being the President of the Lazy Club by doing things and following through.

I have been doing well with my eating, though, and keeping track of my calories. In fact, I’ve lost 5 pounds since I signed up for SparkPeople. I’m sure it is because 90% of my calories ended up in the toilet bowl, but still. I will take any victory I can get.

I know I need to work out to lose weight. I also know that working out is just good all around. It lessens stress, helps with controlling my depression, helps you sleep better. The benefits are endless. This is clearly not enough motivation for me to go and join a gym.

Until last Thursday. On the way home from worl, I went and signed up and then worked out for 50 minutes. ME! President of the Lazy Club! Can you believe it?? And not only did I go Thursday night, I even went after work on Friday. WHO AM I?

Honestly, I have no idea what gave me the final push. It might have been that there is a shoe store by the gym and I was looking for a pair of silver shoes. It may be because BlogHer is in less than two weeks. It may be that I’m just tired of being Chubby McGee. Whatever finally gave me the motivation to join, it was a good thing. Yay!

Now I’m hoping I can keep it up. I didn’t go this weekend. One, because I can NEVER find motivation to work out on the weekends. This has always been this way. And two, I’ve been having some nausea side effects from the crazy NO ALCOHOL antibiotics I’m on. So I’m thinking since I’m not eating much, running on a treadmill isn’t my best idea. Plus, I really need to make sure I take care of myself and get rid of this bacteria so I can go back to normally scheduled bowel movements.

Speaking of living a healthy lifestyle (this is the best segue ever!), hop on over to my review blog to read my latest Crystal Light post. This is the last one of the campaign, so be sure to comment to enter for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Mmmm Food, The Lazies, Working On My Fitness | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 21, 2010

Did you know my blog header was a finalist in the design category for the BlogHer Voices of the Year? Well, not really me, it was the handiwork of my designer Nap Warden. I nominated her because I still love my blog header today as much as I did the first time I saw it! And her illustrations are all custom!

I figured I needed to post something new, since I noticed quite a bit of traffic from the announcement. And then people came here and if they read past the header, they got to read about poop in my fridge.

Kristabella: Keeping It Klassy Since 1977.

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Speaking of poop (I swear, soon I will stop talking about this!), my doctor called and apparently my samples tested positive for this. It’s basically a bacteria you get from taking antibiotics. Which I recently took when the damn cat bit me. It all comes back to that dog.

This medication is supposed to take care of the problem. I have to take it for 14 days, three pills a day. And you can’t drink alcohol. Oh, I know you’re not supposed to with regular antibiotics, but it isn’t really a huge deal with regular antibiotics. They just suggest you try not to.

With this medicine? YOU CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL. Like NONE. AT ALL. Like my doctor was sure to mention this to me yesterday before she called in the prescription. That’s 14 days with no booze. I’m actually OK with this, I think. Seeing as the first bit of alcohol I had last week, the first beers in almost two weeks, had me on the shitter for hours. So maybe this is for the best.

And hey, think of all the calories I’ll be saving!

I finish the last pill the morning I leave for NYC for BlogHer. Yes, I calculated this out to make sure I could use all my drink tickets.

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It’s hot here. I mean, it is summer so I can’t be too shocked. But last summer was so mild that I was kind of hoping we’d have something similar this year. No such luck.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have A/C in my car. There is a leak somewhere and not worth it to get fixed on an 11 year old car. So I just fill it up with coolant a few times a summer to recharge it.

I’ve put it off forever this summer and have suffered for my laziness. And by suffered, I mean loads and loads of boob sweat. This past weekend I thought it was about time to stop complaining about it and buy the damn coolant and put it in.

I made THREE trips to AutoZone. Because the first two cans, they busted. The hose broke off in my hand, twice, attached to a full can of coolant. The highly-pressurized, frostbite-causing coolant. So that was fun. Especially at $20 a can.

I finally got some put in on Saturday and then realized it wasn’t working too well and I should have bought two cans. So it is coolish when I have the A/C on, but does nothing when it is in the 90s, sunny and humid.

New for this year is that my car also tends to overheat when I have the A/C on and I’m in stop and go traffic. And if I’m not paying attention, I’ll be sitting on the on ramp to Lake Shore Drive on a Sunday, in stopped traffic, with my A/C blasting and notice that the temperature gauge on the car is reaching boiling levels.

And then, in this situation, as to make it home and not end up stranded on the side of the road, you turn the heat on, like you always should do when the car is overheating. (Kristabella’s Car Lesson of the Day!) So you’re sitting in a dead stop in 90 degree weather in your car with the heat blasting. And you will continue to sit in traffic, not moving, because you decided to take Lake Shore Drive home during the craptastic traffic trifecta of a REO Speedwagon concert, Transformers filming that shut down Michigan Avenue and a Sunday night Cubs game.

Then your brother will try out some video calling app with you and take a screenshot of your face and show you exactly what you look like after that experience.

I kind of miss my old iPhone that didn’t have video capability. I don’t need to know how big of a hot mess I am. It’s why I avoid mirrors.

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Proctor & Gamble apparently reads my blog. Look what I got in the mail yesterday:

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I think I mentioned I saw my niece Maddie on Sunday. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks and she’s gotten so big and alert. I ended up holding her most of the day, one, because BABIES! SQUEEE! and two, because she was kind of fussy. My arm was so sore when I left. I was actually up most of the night because of the arm pain, mostly because I’m forgetful and the pain was in my left arm and I might have kept thinking I was having a heart attack.

I only ended up getting one picture of my Goopy (my nickname for her). I tried out the new front facing camera on my phone. It’s not good at all, but at least you can see how adorable she is and how she has the chubbiest, most nom-worthy cheeks in the history of all babies!

And at six weeks, she already has a better tan than I ever will.

Category: All in the Family, All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 20, 2010

Hey! Lookee here! STILL TALKING ABOUT BOWEL MOVEMENTS!

So last we left, I was sidelined with the Kristin Johnsons and buying all the toilet paper Target had on the shelves. Things did get better. After a weekend spent in bed doing nothing and eating very bland things, things seemed to be getting back to normal.

(Side note: My mom doesn’t like to call them the KJs because she was hoping I’d be well known for something more than loose stool in my lifetime.)

And then last Thursday came. I didn’t think too much of it when I pooped two times at work before noon. Nor did I think about the multiple times I had to go in the afternoon. I just figured I overdid it with fiber or something.

Thursday night we went out to a restaurant for book club. I had a good time, was home at a decent time and had chicken, veggies and a few beers for dinner. Then I got home and proceeded to spend hours on the toilet. NOT KIDDING! I think flames were coming out of my ass, since it was so raw it felt like it was on fire.

Clearly there was no chance I was going to make it into work on Friday. I didn’t even think I could make it through a shower, much less a bathroom-less commute and an eight-hour work day.

I decided it was time to head to the doctor. I couldn’t get in with my doctor, but thankfully I’m part of the Northwestern hospital group, so there are offices all over the city. (And fellow Chicagoans? The new office on Halsted in Old Town is super nice!)

I explained my symptoms to the fetus doctor (seriously, she looked like she was 22. I hate getting older and my doctors getting younger). She was very nice and very thorough. She thinks it is some sort of bacteria/infection. So she prescribed me some antibiotics. AGAIN. Because I hadn’t been on antibiotics for YEARS and have now been on them three separate times since May.

Also, on the off chance the antibiotics didn’t help or it wasn’t an infection/bacteria, she asked me to take stool samples.

And then I puked on her and asked for my $20 copay back. Because really, lady doctor? I pay you the big bucks to do gross shit like that (pun intended).

She assured me it was a last resort. And then said it takes five days to get the results, and hopefully the antibiotics will have cleared everything up and then we will never have to speak of this again. EVER.

I had to take samples from 3 separate movements. I figured that would be no problem since I had been MOVING quite a bit during the last 24 hours. Who boy, was I wrong. Want a cure for the Kristin Johnsons? Tell your sphincter that you need to take stool samples. ON A WEEKEND. Will stop you right up. Better than Pepto.

(I even went to get greasy food for dinner to move the poocess, I mean process, along. DID NOT HELP.)

Here’s the thing: I had until 3 PM on Saturday to get these collections knocked out. If that happened, it meant that the vials of poop would spend less time in my house, IN MY FRIDGE. But thanks to the sudden onset of blocked-upness, this did not happen. I finished “collecting” sample number three at 3 PM on Saturday afternoon. After the ONLY doctor’s office who is open on Saturdays was CLOSED. So the poop? Stayed in the fridge until Monday.

POOP. IN. MY. FRIDGE! Next to perishables! Like cheese! And beer!

So that was my weekend. Sitting around waiting for my bowels to move. I stayed at home until things were done. I needed to be on my home turf, clearly. I wasn’t going to be handling that in a dirty toilet at Target. (Although, the Target toilets are probably cleaner than mine.)

And now I would like to just erase this whole thing from my memory banks.

Except now there will be record of it the Library of Congress!

DAMN MY NEED TO OVERSHARE ON TWITTER!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All A-Twitter, Medical Mishaps | 8 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 19, 2010

I have so many things to tell you! I have the weather to complain about! IT IS HOT! I have poop stories! POOP IN THE FRIDGE! But I am too tired right now to tell you any of these things. Because I spent the day over visiting with family, which included spending all afternoon with my niece Maddie! She’s like six weeks old and so alert! And HEAVY! And my arm hurts.

So instead, I send you over to my review blog. Because I have another post up where you could enter to win a $100 Visa gift card. And there not a ton of entries, so your odds of winning are high! Comment once on all three posts to up your odds!

What are you waiting for? CLICK! And comment!

Category: All Things Blogging, Reviews | 1 Comment »
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Posted By Kristabella on July 13, 2010

It appears that I can talk of nothing more than poop, canine or human. And to get those poop posts further down the page and to bring back the readers I have apparently lost, I figured I should write about something else!

But that is proving harder than I thought. Apparently since I’ve been doing this blogging thing for almost four years, I am now fresh out of ideas. I even looked at the notes in my phone to see if I could get any ideas from there. But all that was listed in my notes was a grocery list for tacos, apparently, and about a dream I had where I ate toes. And they were like chicken.

I’m not sure that is better than poop. I ATE TOES? WTF?

So as I was walking to my car in the parking garage tonight on my way home, a post idea came to me – parking etiquette. And the douchebags who DO NOT FOLLOW THE RULES OF SOCIETY!

We have a seven-story parking garage for our office plaza. It is too much space, as I’m usually on level two or three. There is a certain place I like to park on the ramp down on the second level. It is faster to get out in the evenings and less stairs to climb. Most days when I get to work, there are a few spots left. And these spots? Are all tinier than normal because the jackass who parks on either side of the spot does not know how to park.

THOSE LINES ARE THERE FOR A REASON! THEY ARE NOT GUIDES OR SUGGESTIONS!

For instance, if you drive an SUV, DO NOT PARK IN THE “SMALL CAR ONLY” SPOT. You will not fit. My car barely fits and it is a Nissan Sentra for fuck’s sake.

Most people would pass up these tiny spots and find another. I AM NOT THIS PERSON!

I will squeeeeze my car into those tiny spots. I especially like it when my passenger door creates NO SPACE for you to get into your car. I will get out of my car on the passenger side, if need be. Or I’ll clean your car with my big ass when I get out. ALL TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!

and you can go ahead and ding my door. I DO NOT CARE! My car is 11 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. It needs more battle scars!

A friend of mine at work said she saw a coupon book at Urban Outfitters that had “you park like an asshole” coupons or something. We have decided we are going to buy these coupons. Every day we both come in and are all “Parked next to an asshole today” or “found a coupon recipient this morning” and then we go get our morning coffee. I think it has kind of become a competition.

What are your parking garage pet peeves? And who wants to make me “You Park Like An Asshole” stickers? Because really? It’s about time we start handing these things out.

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Don’t forget to head over to my review blog and comment for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card! And you don’t have to sit through a post about poop to get to the link either! Huzzah!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Rants & Rants | 24 Comments »
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