Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 8, 2011

I’m uber tired today. I did not sleep well at all last night. (Doo, doo, doo doo, doo.) Mostly because I tossed and turned worrying about anything and everything. (I was tossin’ and turnin’, tossin’ and turnin’ all night.) I hit the limit at 4 AM, when I was wide awake, staring at my sleeping cats, wondering if I should just get up and do something productive.*

I did not do this. I checked Twitter and Facebook. Checked my email. Looked through Instagram photos. Read my book on my phone. Finally about 30 minutes (and 10 boring Steig Larsson pages) later, my eyelids were heavy and I was back asleep.

Of course, as soon as my mind wasn’t focused on the book or Twitter or anything else, it went right back to stressing about work things and tables at the Expo booth and printing large posters and what will I wear to City Hall on Friday.**

Why is it so hard to shut off one’s brain? Do you have this trouble? Back when I first acknowledged that I had severe depression, back in 2004, it started with the sleep. My therapist gave me this cassette tape (no really) of her talking for some relaxation techniques. I’d listen to this tape on nights like last night if a) I still had a walkman and b) I didn’t hate that bitch and the sound of her voice.

Nine out of 10 times, I can turn my brain to mush. I can think of Don Draper or Eric Northman and my brain empties out completely and then I have lovely dreams. In other instances, I revert back to what I learned when I got hypnotized (that post is actually in a book!) in college to help with the relaxation and brain dumping. But usually I then think of that damn therapist who tried to sue me for like $180 dollars when there was an insurance snafu and I was UNEMPLOYED AND DEPRESSED.***

But unfortunately there are some nights like last night, where I just can’t get all that stress and worry to go away. Thankfully those nights are very rare. But it doesn’t make the next day at work any easier. And it makes my wallet lighter with all the monies spent on the extra coffee I need to function.

What are your tips to shut your brain off when you’re trying to sleep?

*I do not understand people who do this. You know those people who are all “I’m awake, might as well get some shit done!” and they clean the house and write a novel or get ready to go into work. I am not this person. I will never be this person. I will fight my body tooth and nail to fall back asleep at 4 AM, even if I only fall back asleep in time to hear the alarm go off and then hit snooze.

**I have a meeting at City Hall on Friday (not with Rahm), but what better place to MEET Rahm then at his office, right? So I therefore must look cute and professional and not a slovenly mess like normal. And this kept me up. YES IT DID.

***BITCH.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Land of Random | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 31, 2011

When I got out of college, I had big aspirations. I was going to be the first female PR Director in the NFL. That goal was shattered like the next year when I realized there was a female PR Director at the Washington Redskins. But still. I had goals! And was going to bust some glass ceilings! BOO YAH!

And I tried. I really tried. It was hard. I had never been discriminated against before just for my gender. And it sucked. But I didn’t give up.

Because I can by a nuisance, I just pushed and shoved my way into things. There was no one downstairs that was able to record the post-practice media interview of the head coach? “Oh, lookee here, I have a tape recorder, I’ll go.” And then I’d just go. Not ask. Just go. I didn’t care that up until that moment, in the YEAR TWO THOUSAND, a woman had never been allowed on the practice field in this capacity. Ever.

Sadly, this wasn’t the end of it. But, I was lucky to have a great boss who knew that it didn’t matter what reproductive organs we had, if we could do the job, we should get to do the job. And he knew the importance of baby steps. So I was allowed to continue to do it, every day, as long as I then transcribed it for the website and the beat writers. Slowly, but surely, I worked my way into the heart of Steve Mariucci. He no longer objected to me being there. He no longer ignored me. He talked to me, asked me questions, joked with me just like he did with all the guys in the department. I was in. Dear future generations of women at the 49ers, YOU’RE WELCOME.

(Mooch and I were so close that I bought him a neon pink toe ring for Christmas one year that he proudly displayed on his desk.)

Knowing this, you would think I would be a big ladder climber, trying to get to the top and be the best in my profession. You would be wrong. At some point along the way, I realized I was not meant for management, let alone upper management. I was content being in the middle of the pack, wearing many hats and not being noticed.

Also, if you’ve met me, there are stories like this and this as to why I could never be a spokesperson or be in charge of anything. I have no filter. It’s not a helpful affliction in the workplace. I’m kind of an idiot. An awkward turtle.

I give you this shining example from this week as proof:

I work in a building with lots of people and many floors. Each floor has its own set of conference rooms. I’m on the fifth floor and we generally book all our meetings on the 5th floor. This means that when an Outlook reminder pops up, I look at the room, not the floor number.

(You see where this is going, right?)

So I went to the A conference room and saw two people in there. One was from one of the departments we were meeting with. It wasn’t the representative of that department I thought we were meeting with, but shit comes up and people fill in. It happens all the time.

I sit my happy ass down and introduce myself to the other person in the room that I don’t know. I tell her my name and what department I’m in. I say to the other person in the room “You know me.” We laugh and sit and wait for the other people to join.

Person I just met starts talking about something that doesn’t even sound remotely familiar. And my co-worker, who left her office the same time as I did, therefore should BE in this meeting by now, is nowhere to be seen.

Then it hits me – I’m pretty sure I’m in the wrong conference room. I bet we’re on a different floor.

Instead of looking like an idiot, since I’ve been sitting there for five minutes, I say “Oh, I forgot to grab something.” And I get up and leave, run to my desk and realize we’re meeting on the eighth floor.

I recall all this to my co-worker later, who just laughs and laughs.

Her: “Why didn’t you just say you were in the wrong meeting?”

Me: “Well, because I didn’t want to look stupid!”

Her: “Don’t you think they assumed you were coming back? And they might see you later on and wonder why you ditched? Or assign you something?”

Me: “Well, I figured I don’t see them all that often and they are busy. They will forget!”

Her: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Later in the day, though, I had to go up to another floor to give something to someone. And lo and behold, who do I run into? The woman from the earlier meeting.

Her: “You never came back to our meeting.”

Me: “Um, that’s because I was in the wrong meeting. We were on 8, not 5. And since your co-worker was who I was supposed to meet with, I just thought you were filling in.”

Her: “Ha!”

Me: “And I was expecting not to see you for a few weeks so you would forget all about this. And that you wouldn’t bring this up. And I wouldn’t have to admit how dumb I was.”

Her: “Hahahahaha!”

Me: “Thanks for calling me out on it in front of everyone!”

And this is why I’m not destined for management.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Worky Work | 9 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 30, 2011

I’m not the smartest person in the world. Or the most frugal. So remember that as you read along.

THE LIBRARY IS AMAZING! HOW AWESOME IS THE LIBRARY WITH THE FREE BOOKS?? FREEEEEEEEE!

(Insert the smattering of D’ohs right here)

OK. I’m an idiot. I avoided the library forever because…well I don’t know why. I’d like to think it was because I wanted to support authors and buy their books and help keep books alive. Or something. But really, it’s probably more because I’m lazy and online shopping is a dream! No waiting! Books when you want! ALLLLL MIIIINNNNEEEEE!!

But that was back in the day when I was just reading books at night. I could make a book last a month, if I wanted. So in my head the money I was spending on books wasn’t a huge expense or out of hand.

Then I got my new job. (That I still LOVE! So much so I should write a song about it! Or a love poem!) And with my new job comes commuting to and from downtown on public transportation. (Which I also LOVE! For many reasons!) So I have an hour each morning and each evening to read. And it is the most glorious thing ever! In all the land! I love books and reading!

So I’m up to about a book a week. I can usually start one Monday morning and finish it on Friday or at the very least before the next week starts. It makes the train rides go by so fast. That is, if I don’t fall asleep and drool on the book pages. (It’s happened. Don’t judge.)

I started to notice about a month into my job that “hmmmm, I’m spending a lot of money on Kindle books. This can’t be fiscally smart.” I realized I had to start doing something about it because sooner or later I was going to not be able to pay my mortgage due to a large expenditure on books.

Just after my trip to Jamaica I decided it was time to finally get a library card in Chicago. (I used to have one in California, but even then, I bought more books than I should have.) In my defense, I did try and go get a library card during one of my many periods of unemployment a few years back. But I walked all around the library and couldn’t find a form to fill out or someone to help me. So I gave up, defeated. And went home and ordered two books on Amazon.

But enough was enough this time. So I marched my happy ass down to the library that is like ONE BLOCK from my front door and signed up for a card. (ONE BLOCK, PEOPLE!) And then I checked out some books. And then I looked into their ebooks that they have available. And then I fell in love with the library and every other person in the world yelled “I TOLD YOU SO! DUH! WELCOME TO THE 19TH CENTURY!”

Their hours aren’t the most convenient, but thankfully I can go to any of the branches in Chicago. AND! You can do everything online! I can renew my books so I’m not charged a late fee! And even better, I can look through books I want to read and put them on hold! It is AMAZING! DID ANYONE EVEN KNOW THE LIBRARY DID THIS??

(Yes, dumbass. Everyone knew this.)

My Kindle is sad because she is gathering dust. But hopefully the whole Kindle-Libraries lending thing will come through soon, as planned. And then that way I don’t have to read the ebooks on my phone (FREE! Ebooks! From the library!) and can read them on my Kindle. For free! It’s glorious!

And then all will be right with the world. And my bank account.

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by Kristabella: The Most Clueless Person Since 1977.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Laffs | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 28, 2011

So I think I’ve decided to grow out my bangs. I’m not planning to have them be sideswept ultimately, but I think that’s going to be the style I go with while I grow them out. Even though I feel like I look like an idiot with sideswept bangs. But it is better than the Farrah Fawcett look.

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Last Sunday Daisy invited me out on a boat. It was an amazing evening to go out for a sail. And I had never been out on a sailboat. And this was the boat that had won the Race to Mackinac. It was a few hours filled with fresh air, fun people and great views of our beautiful city.

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This weekend I had to work. Well, only Friday and Saturday, but that was enough. My company had a booth at a Health & Fitness Expo downtown in one of the hotels for the Chicago Triathlon. I was opening the exhibit hall on Friday afternoon and since it was close to the office, I figured I would just bring all the materials with me in a box. How could that ever go wrong?

I decided to drive instead of take a big, heavy box on public transit. In my head, I didn’t have to carry BIGHEAVYBOX very far. In my head, I was so, so wrong. SO WRONG.

1) I underestimated the weight of the box.

2) I forgot that I was not parking my car on my floor of the building I work in.

3) I forgot that I didn’t get to park my car on the expo hall floor. Which means I had to carry BIGHEAVYBOX for a REALLY LONG WAY.

4) And this is what BIGHEAVYBOX did to me.

So don’t mind me, I’ll be over here in long pants and long sleeves lest someone at work begins to wonder if my cats are beating me.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Chi-town, Crazy Cat Lady, Spinsterville Here I Come | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 18, 2011

That is the question.

I am currently at the phase where I am deciding whether or not to grow out my bangs. I’ve had them for like three years? And I’m wondering if I need a change.

Do you think I should go from this:

Back to this?

I know that growing out bangs is a pain in the ass. But I am not super aware because the last time I did it was my senior year of college, when I could wear hats and not wash my hair for days on end and it was no big deal. Also, I was just starting my first full-time job out of college and had NO CLUE about hair and wardrobe and make-up. (My God, you should have seen the crap I used to wear. It was a good thing I started off in the NFL where half the building was walking around in shorts and no shoes.) (Also, I never wore any kind of make-up until my first day at the 49ers. Because I figured I was an adult now and that was the right thing to do.) (Silly 21 year old me.)

So my trepidation with growing them out is that I don’t know what to DO with them while I’m growing them out. And here is where I need your help, internet! How do you manage the bangs in that grow-out stage? Lots of bobby pins, I’d imagine. But WHAT exactly am I doing with the bobby pins? I need some sort of Whoorl Hair Tutorial or something!

Also, headbands? I would imagine those would help. Where do I buy headbands? What kind of headbands do I need?

I’m figuring if I want to do this, now is the best time. Summer (AND HUMIDITY) is coming to a close, so I don’t have to worry about them curling up at the ends as they get longer. And hopefully, maybe with taking some pre-natal vitamins to help with the growth, I can get them all grown out before the start of next summer. Or close enough where I’m not worried about the humidity making me look like Farrah Fawcett.

What say you? Should I or shouldn’t I? And if I do, PLEASE HELP ME NOT TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL! Well, at least no more of a fool than I look like on a normal day.

Category: Hairapy, Halp | 22 Comments »
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