Also, my blog stats are in the tank with my infrequent posting so it doesn’t really matter. And this way my mom will know how my trip went.

Portland, where do I begin?

This was the first vacation I’ve taken in awhile where I went somewhere I’ve never been before. And since I know a few people there who are big fans of the city, I knew I was going to have a good time!

This is just going to be a bulleted list of highlights with some photos interspersed…

• Portland is a drinking person’s city. Wineries, breweries and drinkers, oh my!
• We started my first morning off in Portland with probably one of the best things I’ve ever eaten – a fried egg sandwich with bacon and pimento cheese on a homemade biscuit. (Washed down with a big mimosa in a pint glass, of course.)

• I would now like to put pimento cheese on everything.
• Before I left for the trip, Rhi asked what I wanted to do on Thursday afternoon – a brewery tour or a winery tour. I told her I was under the impression that 2 days before your wedding, you have time for neither. But being from Portland, Rhi makes time for booze, and we headed to the wineries.

• We hit up Sokol Blosser, where Rhi is a preferred guest at. Also the winery doing the wine for her wedding. And the first woman-owned winery in Oregon. We got our tasting for free! And we enjoyed ourselves! After that we headed to Ponzi, not the actual winery, but their shop. We drank wine and snacked on meats and cheeses and I cursed the fact that I couldn’t get any of this wine home with me.

• In between all our fun, we did get some wedding errands done. And I made sure to help whenever and wherever I could, so the bride could enjoy her company with me. I mean, I am awesome, let’s face it.
• Thursday night I went to dinner with the bride and groom and I sampled some local Oregon beers. And I noticed we were on Flanders St. And I was like “ha! I saw a Terwilliger street today too! Like The Simpsons.” And Rhi is all “um, you know the creator is from here?” No. No, clearly I did not.

• So I did what every other drunk person would have done, I sent a photo of it to my brother in the middle of the night because he’s the biggest Simpsons fan ever.

• After dinner and a stop for one more beer, we headed back to the house and opened the wine. Rhi and I decided to don some some lovely hair bows. And then we decided to get nice and drunk and I decided I needed to cut Rhi’s cat’s nails.
• This is Gelsey, who also answers to Goo and Fat Cat. She had really long nails. They would click-clack on the hardwood floors like she was wearing kitty high heels. She couldn’t sneak up on anything, poor thing.

• And Rhi was improperly trimming her nails because Rhi is weak and doesn’t like to hear her cat sad or uncomfortable. Whereas my cats are a bunch of whiney bitches so that doesn’t bother me one bit.
• I think Goo was a little traumatized, especially when she later went to use the scratching post and bounced off it because her nails weren’t as long. And then I laughed.
• May I remind you, we were three sheets to the wind when this was all going on. The Goo will thank me some day.
• Or she probably peed in my suitcase.
• Also while the bride-to-be and I were wasted off 100 beers and a lot of wine, we decided to alphabetize the seating cards for the wedding. Which were written in fancy script. And very hard to read when you were seeing double.
• Rhi had to completely re-do them in the morning.
• So much for making less work for the bride.
• Being severely hungover the day before the wedding is not our smartest move. Probably for me more than her, since I seemed to be struggling all day. We did all the last minute things on Friday – picked up the dress, ran to Target, got our nails done, stuffed the wedding confetti into bags and tried to keep Rhi calm. (We succeeded. Mostly. There was a small incident at lunch, but Rhi recovered like a champ and I distracted her with my dancing like a chimp! Or something.)
• And then it was on to the rehearsal! I served as the official photographer for the rehearsal and I think I got some good shots. I tried to capture it all. It was a lovely venue (more on that come wedding day) and it was so nice to meet both Rhi and Bill’s family and friends.

• The dinner was at a lovely Peruvian restaurant and we had a private room and it was a beautiful way to spend the evening, talking to old friends and new, and anticipating the big day for Rhi and Bill on Saturday!

And now I think I’ll leave it at that because this post is long enough! And there is still two whole days left of the trip, including the Wedding of the Century!

I want to tell you all about my trip. Even though no one really cares, because it was my trip and who wants to read about my fun and my awesome times and my days off from work?

But I’m too tired. I went to bed last night at 9 PM, which was actually a smart thing because I didn’t sleep well at all. First I woke up around 11 PM from a dream where Spike from Top Chef was my doctor and diagnosed me with a brain tumor. And I woke up freaked the fuck out and not worried at all about the fact that a chef was my doctor, but convinced that my dreams were telling me I had a brain tumor. You try getting back to sleep after that kind of dream. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

When I woke up, I realized that my internal clock had made the shift to Pacific time and it felt like it was 5 AM and not 7 AM. That’s no way to start your work week.

I want to tell you all about my awesome visit to Portland. And about the awesome food in Portland, and the awesome wine and beer. I want to tell you all about the fabulous times I spent with Rhi and Kerri (and Kramey and Amanda and others). I want to tell you about Rhi’s wedding and the fun times we had! And I need to tell you about Nick, who is so perplexed by blogging and Twitter that he asked us to write about him.

But it is going to have to wait. Because my brain can’t handle more than keeping my eyes open and my body upright. And now that it is close enough to bed time, it is time for me to go to bed and to read my book and attempt to win as many games of Catan as I can so I can become this:

I’ll also be celebrating the fact that my Gram should be coming home to her house on Saturday! No more rehab! Cross your fingers that all of the Is get dotted and Ts get crossed and it happens as it should!

I am insanely busy right now. Most of the reason is because I’m lazy and I put things off until the last minute. The other reason is because I’m leaving tomorrow night for vacation! To Portland! For Rhi’s wedding! And to hang out with her!

(Never fear, robbers, my free-loading sister will be staying at my house while I’m away to protect my things. And the cats. And to probably drink all my booze and eat all my food.) (Oh, I think I forgot to mention that she doesn’t live here anymore. She moved out before I left for BlogHer. So she’s coming back to do me a favor.)

So I’ve left everything until the last minute – laundry, errands, dishes, packing, you name it!

On top of it, I had quite a busy weekend. I babysat Noah and Skyler at my place on Saturday while their mom and dad went to the Cubs game. So in preparation for their visit, I had to clean the house. Which I put off until the very last minute, clearly since they arrived at my house the minute I jumped out of the shower. Whew!

(I actually put off cleaning for months because said free-loading sister said if she lived with me, she would clean and I just kept NOT cleaning in hopes she would GET THE HINT. She did not.)

But I had a great time with Skyler and Noah. We baked cookies, ate donuts, watched a lot of Nickelodeon and we went to the park.

Actually, we went to two parks. We went to the first one, a few blocks from my house, that is part of an elementary school. It is a pretty old park. They were not impressed with it at all. Plus, it was hot, and Auntie didn’t think to bring water or money, so we were parched and decided to walk home, get some water (and Auntie’s purse) and then go to a different, hopefully better, park. And we would drive this time.

So that’s what we did. Armed with three water bottles, we hit up a much newer and nicer park. As they were playing, we noticed there was a carnival going on behind the school. “Let’s go check it out!” I said! (Yes, I had to convince them to go check out a carnival! Imagine that!)

It ended up being a street fest for a local church. One of the many things I love about Chicago, especially in the summer time, is the abundance of street fests. I’m just not usually on the lookout for street fests with carnival rides, I just usually make sure there is a beer tent.

Were you aware carnival rides are more expensive than beer? And that I am a sucker because I think I spent about $50 on those rides?

But it was worth every penny. Noah and Skyler had a BLAST!

Skyler was afraid to go on most of the big rides, but was fine with the kiddie rides. Until Noah went on the big rocking boat and told her how much fun it was.

Then she was hooked!

After that we went home, waited for their mom and dad and then we all went out for pizza for dinner.

It was seriously one of the best days I have had in awhile! I love the heck out of those kids!

And now I really need to go pack. Because it is in the 60s and 70s in Portland. And I have forgotten how to dress for that weather. I think I need to dig out the sweaters.

So my Gram hasn’t been doing well lately. She’s currently in a rehab facility and has been for a few weeks.

I should back up…

Back after Fourth of July my Gram took a turn for the worse. She was having trouble walking, standing, going to the bathroom and just about everything. In a matter of a day, ONE DAY, she went from being my sharp-witted, feisty Gram, to being confused, disoriented and unable to walk on her own.

My mom lives with Gram. So she was there to help. But it wasn’t easy. Gram couldn’t really be left alone on her own because she was having trouble with most everything, including making it to the bathroom. It was taking a toll on my mom something fierce because she’d be up all night with Gram and then wouldn’t get a wink of sleep and was missing work.

My mom finally realized that things weren’t getting better and she needed to involve my aunt. My aunt is a nurse. After a few days of trying to get her back to normal, my aunt decided that Gram wasn’t getting better and we needed to take her to the hospital. My mom and aunt decided to take her to the hospital my aunt works at because she knows all the doctors, etc.

Long story long, turns out Gram had some sort of interaction with her meds. It caused water intoxication-like symptoms. Those symptoms are like symptoms of a stroke – disorientation, loss of balance, forgetfulness. Thankfully it wasn’t anything worse. But the sad part is that when you’re an 87 year old woman, a week in the hospital can set you back weeks.

I visited her after she got out of the hospital. She wasn’t my Gram. She was like a shell of herself. It was so sad to see. Even after she was out of the hospital, she was still disoriented and confused. It broke my heart. And none of us could understand why this happened so out of the blue.

We arranged to have family members come over during the day so my mom could go to work. And then my mom would handle Gram duties at night. But like before the hospital visit, Gram needed a lot of help in the middle of the night and my mom wasn’t getting any sleep. My aunt would come over and spend the night when she could, but it was taking its toll on everyone.

Since Gram was having a hard time standing and walking (something she was doing just fine up until right before July 4), my aunt thought maybe a rehab center was the place to go. And it was covered under insurance since she was just in the hospital. So my mom and aunt went to check out a few places, places where my aunt knew people, and Gram moved into a rehab place.

She’s been there for a few weeks. I went to visit her before BlogHer and it made me sad. She hadn’t gotten any better. She still couldn’t walk and she couldn’t remember anything. (Now, I know she’s 87 so her memory isn’t the greatest, but she was remembering things before all this happened. And this happened literally overnight. And they did all the tests and brain scans for dementia and nothing.)

After my first visit, I told my mom I wanted to be like Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby and help ease her pain. My Gram NEVER wanted this. She has told us for YEARS to never put her in any kind of home or assisted living place. And to see her, a shell of herself, made me so sad.

I told my mom my thoughts about this, and how she wasn’t getting better and it seemed odd. That therapy should be showing some improvement. So my aunt and mom went in to talk to the therapists and got Gram on a tougher training schedule.

And it’s working! I went on Saturday to visit and she was so much better. So much more alert and walking on her own just fine! She still needed the aid of a walker or someone there to hold her just in case, but it was like a WORLD of difference from the last time I saw her.

And while she’s still sad and depressed (she’s 87, she just wants to go to her own home), she’s more herself and feisty and mad and so much more my Gram!

My mom and aunt are supposed to talk with the social worker tomorrow to see what her status is. We’ve all seen the improvements and we know it is time for her to come home and to come home SOON.

This has been really hard for me to deal with. I lived away from home for 10 years and wasn’t around for these kind of things. On one hand, that is nice because you can distance yourself physically and emotionally. But on the other hand, you’re not there for support and to help in a time of need. I’m glad I’m living in Chicago now and I can help.

Near or far, watching your loved ones get old is never an easy thing. I am so glad my Gram is doing better because I’m not ready for her to not be around. (I swear she’s holding on until she sees her spinster granddaughter get married or at least have a boyfriend!) We are all ready for her to be back at home, in her own house, where the only annoying roommate is her daughter. (Hi mom!)

I know one day I’m going to go through the same thing with my own mother. But this is why I’ve already prepared her by telling her for the last couple years that I won’t be able to deal with this, so she’s just going straight to a home. I’m nothing if not the perfect daughter!

I read a post yesterday somewhere online about how we all, as bloggers, connect more through Twitter. And whereas prior to Twitter, all our online connections were through email and blogging, now we have Twitter and that’s more of our online personalities and where people really can know us and interact with us.

I tend to agree with this. We live in a busy age. We all have so many things we need to be doing. And it is easier to find out how your friends are doing online through 140 characters, rather than through a whole blog post. And even if you don’t tweet, it is the same with Facebook, isn’t it? You lean more towards posting a status update than writing an email or picking up the phone.

I love the interaction on Twitter. It’s how I get through my boring, lazy days. And I think Twitter has introduced me to more bloggers and online friends than I ever would have met through just reading blogs. Let’s face it, on Twitter, people are more likely to respond than they are through blog comments, etc. (Even me! I used to reply to every comment and now I have more going on in my life that it isn’t as easy.) There are just so many blogs out there. I barely have time to read the ones in my Google Reader, let alone add new ones to read. That may make me sound like the biggest asshole, but it’s the truth. I follow over 600 people on Twitter. I do not have time to read 600 blogs a day, let alone a week. And that is OK. Because I feel that through Twitter and Facebook, I know what is up with you and that makes me happy. Because I’m the nosiest motherfucker you’ll ever meet.

But I miss writing. I miss coming up with a post idea and getting so excited about it that I had to write it down in my notebook that is always with me. I miss my creativity. I hate my complacency.

So I’m going to try to write more, be it here or somewhere else (like putting pen to paper on that novel that is floating around in my head.) Because it is what I love doing. And I don’t ever want it to become a chore. I don’t want to lose my passion for it. I don’t ever want to be at a point where I want to stop writing.

Right up until I left for BlogHer, I was doing pretty good. But with the poop issues and stress from packing and traveling and trying to get a lot done in a few short days, my diet and exercise suffered. And then when I was in NYC, all bets were off because I was in NYC. And I could drink again! Food and booze! A glutton’s dream!

I figured I could get back on the bandwagon once I got back. But that didn’t really happen. Mostly because I was so tired and still recovering from the trip, so I couldn’t be bothered to even make my own lunch, let alone work out every day. I did make homemade spinach & cheese enchiladas, which were FANTASTIC. But they were so good, instead of eating one or two at dinner, I would eat three or four. So while they were lower in calories, that’s all negated when you eat half a pan a night!

I told myself that I would try to get back into good habits this weekend. But then I drank very strong champagne drinks on Friday night and had to get up early Saturday morning, so I ate Arby’s, Taco Bell and a milkshake throughout the day.

But then Sunday, oh Sunday was going to be different! And it started out that way! I had a light breakfast and then a sandwich for lunch. But then I sat on the couch all day, being sucked into episodes of Flipping Out and the Rachel Zoe project, so come dinner time, I didn’t want to cook, let alone go shopping. So I went to Burger King. Because that is reasonable. And now instead of making my lunch for tomorrow, I’m watching three episodes of the Duggars.

This week will be different! It’s going to be cooler so I won’t be a cranky mess in the evenings from driving home in 100 degree weather with no air conditioning. (My car’s AC has officially shit the bed. I will be new car shopping next spring.) Cooler temperatures means I’m more likely to stop to work out after work. I can’t find any energy to go to the gym to sweat when I show up at the gym pre-workout like I’ve already ran three miles.

And I’m going to cook dinner this week! And make my lunch every day! One, because I am not made of money! And two, because IT IS NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE YOUR LUNCH! (My brain seems to think otherwise.)

Here’s to hoping I can get back on the horse or bandwagon or whatever other euphemism they use. Basically I’m going to attempt to stop being such a lazy arsehole! I have to look good for Rhi’s wedding in two weeks!

So if you aren’t aware, I was in New York City this past weekend for BlogHer. This was my third one and I had an effing blast. Not only was it in a great city, I was surrounded by 2,500 bloggers, people who don’t get offended when you get on your phone to check Twitter at the lunch table (well except for the one lady who didn’t appreciate it when we were Twittering from the elevator).

I went into this BlogHer with no expectations. I had been to NYC one time before, so I had done a lot of the touristy things. Plus, this time it wasn’t on my stomping grounds so I didn’t have the pressure to think of restaurants and bars in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

I learned early on that one of the only ways to enjoy BlogHer is to really have no plans, no expectations. There are so! Many! People! that it is hard to see everyone, let alone talk to everyone. You just have to play everything by ear. It’s how you end up finding cute little cafes with awesome mac and cheese or sitting outside a hotel getting weird looks for wearing a McDonald’s hat on your head.

This year’s BlogHer was different. Not a bad different, just a lot different than past years. I first went in 2008, when there was a then-record 1,000 people at the conference. Compared with the 2,500 people from this year (not including the people who came to NYC but didn’t have passes), that San Francisco conference in 2008 felt like an intimate dinner party.

The problem I had with it being so big was that there are so many people there that I wanted to see. And there were so many people I didn’t get to see or meet. And that’s a bummer. But thankfully I did get to see a lot of old friends and meet some new ones.

And now I’ll attempt to recap my awesome time in NYC in bullet form:

• On Thursday night, I went to dinner with Regan and Slynnro at Colicchio & Sons. It was one of, if not THE best meals I’ve had in my life. We had 2 bottles of prosecco, my first taste of sweet, sweet hooch in three weeks. And it went right to my head, just like you’d imagine.

• I had the heirloom tomato salad, which was so tasty, but I didn’t eat all of because I knew that would probably give me off the chart heartburn. My entree was the skirt steak and short rib with edamame. It was so delicious! The short rib was so tender, it reminded me of my Grandma’s pot roast. For dessert we shared the funnel cake and chocolate-filled donuts. That Tom Colicchio, he fries a mean hunk of dough!

• I had the awesome pleasure of meeting Jenbshaw and Shauna Glenn at lunch our first day there. Ali has told me all about the fabulous Aiming Low ladies and of course they are just as awesome as she’s always said! Shauna Glenn and I are kindred spirits and I have now dubbed her my new BFF, whether she likes it or not. (We killed it on the dance floor at the Sparklecorn party Saturday night, which was one of the weekend’s highlights!)
• I finally made it to Ground Zero. It’s sad that almost nine years later they are still working on it. And also sad that it looks nothing like it did and it could just be another construction site in New York.
• Finally got to meet Isabel, who invited us to her FABULOUS TERRACE to just sit and chat and enjoy the lovely NYC weather and city living. Isabel is one of the nicest people in the entire world and I was so lucky to spend time with her at her house! Plus, we went to Dylan’s Candy on the way to her house and I love candy and three floors of candy is like my heaven.
• The Expo hall this year was insane! Insanely good! I got so many great things, so much so I had to ship it home!

• Spent time with some of my favorite people

• And there were so many others! I’m afraid to link to them all, lest I forget anyone. But let me just say, if I saw/met you this weekend, it was so much fun and I’m so glad we got to hang out. I enjoyed this weekend immensely. You are all AWESOME!

Can’t wait for San Diego in 2011!

In the last two years I’ve gone to BlogHer, I have never written something beforehand telling people about me. So I would hand out business cards and people would come here and either read a post that I DID NOT EVEN WRITE, or a post where I asked them to choose between which two hideous people you would have sex with.

So third time is a charm and now I have learned!

Hi, Internet! I’m Kristabella! And clearly I’m insane!

Here are some things you might want to know about me:

I’m tall. I’m about six feet tall with no heels.

I’m pale. I’ve been dubbed once “a different shade of pale.” You will not be able to tell the difference between my skin and that of white sheets/tablecloths.

I talk. A LOT. And when I’m drinking? You can’t shut me up. Please, shut me up. And don’t worry, I won’t be offended. I know this about myself and appreciate people who tell me to shut my yapper.

I like to drink. In fact, you are more than welcome to give me your drink tickets. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in three weeks, so I AM DUE.

I drink a lot of red wine so I end up with reddish-black teeth and tongue. It’s tres attractive.

I also laugh a lot. Mostly at jokes I make.

I created the #spinstertweets hashtag on Twitter. I’m hoping it will become all the rage and get me a book deal.

In reality, it’s pretty sad I tweet so much about my cats and single life that I could create a hashtag.

You can talk me into a lot, like stealing Cheetos.

I may seem super outgoing, especially with liquid courage, but the thought of 2500 women all in the same place freaks me the fuck out just as much as the next guy.

I love reality TV. I can talk to anyone about it. Please seek me out to talk about Jersey Shore while giving me your drink tickets! We’ll be friends for life!

This is what I look like. This is me and my niece. She’s my mini-me.

My bangs won’t look this good in the summer humidity. They will be very Farah Fawcett-esque.

So if this post hasn’t scared you off and you see me this weekend in New York, come say hello! We can hide out behind the fake trees together.

In fact, I was pretty close to buying a set of these:

Or these from Etsy:

But thankfully I have delayed these purchases and these confrontations. Because apparently someone doesn’t like my method of punishing you in the parking garage by parking so close you can’t get in.

I’m not 100 percent sure it was in the parking garage, but the lack of paint and the fact I really jammed in this douche in a white Range Rover last week has me thinking he’s the culprit.

So I’m on the hunt for him in our parking garage. OH IT IS ON!!!

This past weekend I went up to visit the Martell clan in Milwaukee. Ali has been up there the whole month of July, but because of the Kristin Johnsons and some other issues, we haven’t been able to meet up. I was super bummed because I know that weekends at her mom’s are rough with Shabbat and the kids not being able to watch TV, leave the house or play video games.

So we decided that this past weekend, poop or not, I was going up there. Thankfully the poop issue seems to be almost gone (I say seems and almost because I don’t want the cruel hand of bowel movement fate to slap me in the face) so I didn’t have to worry about that.

It was a great weekend. It was just what I needed. I needed to get away and be around my peeps and laugh and stuff my face with good food, including this cake, which you all need to make right now. My diet went out the window with my first taste of this cake on Friday night, and I was dreaming about it for hours after my third piece Saturday night. (It was my dinner. And I have no regrets about that whatsoever.)

Meeting blog friends in real life is always so much fun. It’s even better when you get to meet their families and see their blogs come to life. When I go to visit the Martells, I’m as excited to see Ali as I am to see all of them. In fact, I’m pretty sure Emily thought I was coming to visit just her. Which, maybe I was, since she thinks I’m famous!

And she’s not the only one. It’s nice to know everyone looks forward to seeing me too!

I mean, it would be kind of awkward if I kept inviting myself over to see them and they didn’t enjoy seeing me as much as I enjoy seeing them. I’d be like Urkel. Or Kristabella the Menace.

We did what I do every time I see them, we spent the day in our pajamas. (On Shabbat! I was shocked!) Emily and I played spit (I beat her YET AGAIN!) (Yes I just got cocky about beating a nine year old at a card game.) We laughed, ate donuts and cake for dinner and they got me hooked on the Settlers of Catan game. (I’ve already downloaded the app so I can get better and maybe win once.)

It was a perfect weekend, hanging with friends who feel just like family. Just what the doctor ordered (in addition to antibiotics that still make my mouth taste like rancid food). And thankfully I won’t miss Ali too much, since I’ll see her again on Thursday when I get to NYC for BlogHer.

So, internet, what did you do this weekend?