I’ve known Ali since 2008. We “met” online and planned to room together at BlogHer in San Francisco that summer. The first time I met her tiny self in real life was at the San Francisco airport in July of that year. My brother thinks it is weird, to this day, that I shared a bed with her in that hotel room for the weekend without ever having met her. Even though I’ve since stayed at her house, her dad’s house and 2 of her mom’s houses multiple times.

I’ve been to her mom’s house in Milwaukee so many times I’ve met almost every one there so I don’t have to explain how I know them. They know it is through the internet. And I no longer have to explain it. Which is nice, since you all know so well, that I hardly ever “blog” anymore.

I met some other family members up in Canada and had to explain everything all over again. But this time it was weird because I don’t write a lot. (And I don’t consider Ali an internet friend. She’s just one of my best friends. The Martells are like family.) But it made me think I should get back into the habit. So I want to write more. But seeing as it took almost 2 weeks to recap this, I’m not sure that is going to happen anytime soon.

I used to get the urge to write in the evenings. Between the hours of 3-5 PM I would have HILARIOUS thoughts and quips. It was my funny time of the day. That was when I would jot down notes for a post and then write it when I got home.

Now I notice that I’m the opposite. I have bright ideas in the shower in the morning. And I could write whole posts about my commute into work, which I’m sure the people of Twitter would appreciate. And earlier in the morning I have GREAT ideas! But it is early in the morning and I’m at work and busy and forget to write these things down. Then I get home and am exhausted and don’t even want to open the laptop.

I need to be better about taking notes and jotting things down so that when I get home in the evenings, I can just sit and write and not have to think about something to write about. I enjoy writing, I just hate the writer’s block that has plagued me for years. It is all Twitter’s fault, at least for me, because I just vent and share on there immediately instead of waiting to blog about it. Which, again, I’m sure is another thing Twitter would appreciate if I stopped doing it.

So that’s the plan. And to reward you for reading this rambling piece of garbage, here is video of me doing the Thriller dance flash mob at Emily’s Bat Mitzvah.

Emily Bat Mitzvah – Thriller flash mob from Gabriel Martell on Vimeo.

I’m also really busy at work. My boss is out on maternity leave and I’m the acting manager and it has been stressful, to say the least. None of which I can talk about here, but might turn me into an alcoholic by the time she gets back from her leave. So, yay?!?

But then this weekend something happened and it was the perfect thing to spark the blogging part of my brain. So I’m here to share! And pretend like it hasn’t been over a month since I’ve written.

In case you were unaware, my love life is non-existent. I’ve signed up for online dating in the past with no luck. In fact, the only luck I had was making a friend. Which is good, but not really why I paid money.

Towards the end of 2012 I actually had some decent luck. And by that, I mean I went out to this 4 AM bar a lot and well, it’s really easy to give out your number and/or take guys home at 4 AM. Trust me on this.

There was the one guy, who could have his own series of blog posts, who turned out to be a rage-filled douche to me over text on New Year’s Eve. There was the other guy who was a friend of a friend’s friend and he took my number and never called. And then I drunkenly asked him about that on NYE. Then there was the cute 40 year old who had a girlfriend.

So really, I’m much better off single than meeting guys in a bar any time after 2 AM. Or in the case of the 40 year old, 2 PM on a Sunday.

And while I know this, putting it into practice is a whole other ball of wax.

Take last Friday night, for example. Even though we said we wouldn’t end up at the 4 AM bar, that was where we ended up. I ended up talking to some dude and we hit it off. We ended up going back to my place. And that is where this became a story out of the plot of a romantic comedy.

So we get home, I play hostess and get him some water. We make out a bit. I get up to go to the bathroom and shut off the lights. I get back into my room and dude is passed the fuck out on my bed. Like right down the middle. So I wake him up and go to sleep myself. Mostly relieved because it is like 3 AM and I’m hammered.

Dude is a snorer. And I’m not talking like a snorer-when-you’re-drunk kind of snorer. I’m talking like shaking-the-rafters kind of snorer.

I do everything to make him stop – I nudge him, I shove him, I punch him, I plug his nose. Nothing works. Thankfully we got home in the middle of the night, so I shouldn’t have to deal with it too much because it will be morning before we know it and he will get up and go home.

Oh, hahahahaha! Dude slept until 1 PM! In my bed. I got up SEVERAL times to try and be all “OK, time to go!” But he didn’t budge. I tried talking to him to wake him up. He has the personality of a potato, so that didn’t go anywhere. I tried making out with him and he wasn’t even interested in that.

Finally he was like “oh wow, it’s late. I should go.” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

So he takes his sweet fucking time getting dressed. And he only has to put a shirt on! FINALLY, he leaves (without asking for my number, which was fine). I then get on my phone to text my friends because DUDE WOULD NOT LEAVE!

After about an hour or so, I realize I’m hungry and decide to head out to get some food. Driving down Lincoln Avenue, about 3-4 blocks from my house, I hit a red light. As I’m stopped, I see the dude crossing the street! I then proceed to freak the fuck out and then look down, around and every which way so that he DOESN’T see me! Because I’m trapped! At a red light! In my car! With no escape!

At this point he’s crossed to my side of the street. And he’s right near my passenger window. I see him reach his arm up to wave and I’m all “shiiiiiit. I’ve been seen. Now I have to be the decent person who acknowledges it.” So I lift my arm up and wave back.

And then I notice that he isn’t waving at me; he’s HAILING THE CAB that is behind me in traffic!

Then I died from embarrassment and turned at the next corner to get as far away from him as possible.

So, it’s the last week! Things are going well. I went through a period after the halfway point where I was wondering when it was going to be worth it. I was exhausted and cranky and it was like the first week all over again. But I stuck with it. And I’m glad. I feel much better. I wouldn’t I say I have Tiger Blood, as they promised, but I’m sleeping great, I have more energy, I don’t have crazy blood sugar swings, I’m never starving and I’m not willing to kick a baby for some Starburst.

The cravings are still there, but super manageable. For instance, on Saturday I was at my mom’s with my sister, Tommy and Maddie. We all went to pick up dinner. My mom had discussed this with me the night before and I said I would just bring my own food. It would be easier that way and I had the food at home. Easy peasy.

They went to Portillo’s. I LOVE Portillos. They have the best Italian beef. And amazing cheese fries. And hot dogs. And well, an entire menu of delicious things I can’t have. I went along for the ride. We did the drive-thru, so thankfully I didn’t have to sit and watch them eat. We brought it home and I had my salad and chicken sausages.

But, on the ride from the restaurant to my mom’s, I had to ride with 2 bags of food on my lap. French fries and tamales just INCHES from my face hole. That? Was hard. Once we got back to the house and I wasn’t trapped in a car with it, I was fine. I even sat at the table and watched them eat. And to me, that might be one of the biggest victories of this whole thing. Did I want a cheese fry? Sure. But not like I HAD to have it. My food was good too.

The emails say people get scared about the Whole 30 ending. I have never understood that. I mean, shouldn’t you be all “I AM FREE! I CAN EAT WHATEVER!” But actually, as we close in on it, I am a little nervous/scared. I’ve done really well and I don’t want to undo it all. I also really enjoy my hangover-free weekends to get shit done. Not enough to give up drinking for good, but I’m worried about how I will be on Saturday after a glass of wine. (Besides hammered.) Will I go overboard and regret it? Will it lead to a day full of bad meal choices the next day when I’m hungover? Will I be able to practice self-control?

So far my Day 31 plan consists of a grande whole milk latte from Starbucks in the morning, a vanilla Oberweis milkshake for lunch and a night out drinking. I’m introducing only dairy first (well, and sugar and alcohol, but still no beans, grains or carbs).

We shall see how it goes.

So today marked Day 15 on Whole 30. I am halfway done and everything from here on out will be smooth sailing! All downhill! Easy peasy!

Hahahahaha!

I know this will not be the case. Because while I’ve made it 15 days, I also know that it has been both hard and easy (and the longest 15 days ever) and that I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to slaying my Sugar Dragon.

This is not easy. Not that I thought it would be, but I really didn’t realize how much I give in to cravings and how much I reward myself with food. Why? I mean, isn’t a new sweater a better reward than a bag of Skittles? (Sometimes. I would kick a dog for some Skittles right now.)

I feel great. They aren’t lying about that. I’m only putting natural things into my body, whole foods, if you will, and it makes me feel really good. I have plenty of energy. I don’t get so tired at 3 PM that I want to fall asleep under my desk. I really probably don’t even need the caffeine that is in my tea in the mornings. In fact, I went all weekend without it and was just fine.

I sleep like the dead. No lie. This is probably good for me, but probably not good for the off chance a potential burglar storms in. I mean, I wake up in a pile of drool, I sleep so soundly. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night at all. Well, I had been, to take my antibiotic, but I had to set my alarm for that and it woke me out of a dead sleep every time.

I no longer get the crazy blood sugar drops or crazy HANGRY periods. I’m never STARVING. My heartburn is gone. There is something to this whole fat and protein sustaining you for long periods of time thing.

But, it has been hard work. Not one day goes by where I don’t want to cheat with something I’m not supposed to have. But then I remember it is ONLY 30 days and I can do this. I’ve done it for 15, I can do it for 15 more. (RIGHT??!!??)

The first week was rough. I’m glad I had done Paleo eating before, otherwise I think it would have been more difficult. But my body at least had some recollection of this kind of diet. But I had never done a major sugar restriction (i.e. NO SUGAR AT ALL) or cut out dairy 100%. Grains? I can do without grains. If I can eat a can of olives and steak, I can usually do without grains.

I can even go without cheese. Which is not something I never thought I would say, ever, in my life. I mean, not forever, but I don’t need it ALL THE TIME, like I once thought.

But I’m having issues with dairy when it comes to milk and cream. Specifically when it comes to coffee. Black coffee is gross. So I switched to tea for this. I thought I would be fine, since I love my loose tea. Know what? ALL THOSE TEAS HAVE ADDED SUGAR! They don’t tell you! No wonder why they are so amazing! Plain, unsweetened tea is kind of gross. I don’t care if it is a fruity flavor or a chai. It all sucks. Sugar is where it is AT.

So yeah, I miss coffee. I want a latte or a large cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee, heavy on the cream.

And then there is my old pal alcohol. This is officially the longest stretch I’ve gone without alcohol that I can remember. When I had c diff, the meds said I couldn’t drink for 14 days, but I drank on Day 15. So this 30 day stretch will surpass that by a lot.

Now, surprising to everyone who knows me, the no alcohol hasn’t been so hard. It probably falls to number three on the list, behind milk/cream and sugar. I’ve been out to bars drinking nothing but club soda. And it is fine. People-watching is the best! And? No hangover! Plus I spend a lot less money, which is also a plus.

But don’t fret, Day 31 is February 2 and I already have plans to go out drinking. And with 30 days sober, it will probably only take me one drink to get hammered! I’m a cheap drunk!

Other than that, it is just a lot of meal planning and prepping and cooking. I ache for convenience sometimes. It would be so nice to just pick up a Lean Cuisine and call it a day. But, that is part of the process. Hopefully after 30 days it won’t seem like so much work (doubtful). Another way the no booze thing helps is I’m not hungover and I can go to the grocery store first thing in the morning on weekends and spend the day cooking instead of curled up in bed with Taco Bell.

So far, I’m really glad I’ve done this. I feel good. I’m learning my huge issues with food. I have more energy and am feeling quite proud of myself. I knew it would be hard. But I am proud I have stuck with it. I have yet to let my Sugar Dragon make excuses for me to give up. Because I’ve read the book, I know the protocol. Your body needs 30 days clean. Not 30 days with a little cream in my coffee, or one small piece of candy. Your body needs to go without it for a length of time (not 10 days) to make you realize how much you DEPEND on it for non-essential reasons.

Here is to 15 more days. I hope they are a lot easier and I stop picturing people like giant Swedish Fish on the train.

I know a few of you wanted me to write about, so hit me up with any questions! I’m also happy to share my meals for the week, if that is something anyone is interested in.

I will preface this by telling you all I’m just fine.

A big part of Whole 30 is meal planning and prep. Since anything pre-made is processed and full of junk (and SUGAR!), you can’t pick something up on the go. The only on the go thing that works is a hardboiled egg or a handful of nuts. So I spend a lot of my time cooking and prepping for the week.

This week was no different. The only difference was my degree of laziness. I had bought sweet potatoes to make sweet potato fries to go with my carne asada. I bought these on Sunday. I didn’t actually get around to peeling or slicing them until Wednesday night.

That was my first mistake.

I had already finished dinner, sans sweet potatoes, but I decided in a stroke of genius to peel and cut the potato for Thursday’s dinner! SO SMART! So I went about this and thought “I’m going to use my new mandoline to make this easier!”

That was my second, and probably final, mistake. But it was a doozy.

This mandoline is new. It has the safety handle thing so you don’t chop your fingers off. I’ve always, always, always been afraid of mandolines and their SHARP, SHARP blades. Having that holder/handle thing was the only way I would use it. And I have, with no incidents.

Until last night.

I used the handle thing on the potato, until it was too small and not working so well. This is when I decided to use my hand, thinking “I’m smart enough not to slice my finger! I’m not an idiot!”

Hahahahahahaha.

I sliced off a chickpea sized chunk of the top of my right index finger. A rather large chunk, as far as those things go. In fact, the doctor said I came within about a millimeter of clipping the bone, which would have caused a lot more problems, so WHEW!

Here is problem number one with living by yourself – when you’re bleeding profusely and running around the house in circles, there is no one there to help. I literally had no idea what to do. The only thing I knew was that I HAD to go to the emergency room. A band aid wasn’t going to cut it.

First thing I did was I called the Urgent Care on the corner to see if they were open. They weren’t and told me to go to the ER. Then I panicked because where the fuck was the closest hospital? And how was I going to get there? You can’t call an ambulance for this, right? Also, I’m not paying an ambulance charge!

Then I called a friend of mine. Her phone rang twice and I was like “what the hell am I going to say? It will take her longer to get here than if I were driving myself to the hospital!” So I hung up.

(I had remembered about the hospital close to my house. Bonus! It’s the hospital I was born at, no shit!)

At this point the oven timer went off.

OH, RIGHT! I’M BAKING A FRITATTA!

I turned off the oven, left it in there. Then I realized I was wearing Santa Claus pajama pants and no bra. So SOMEHOW, without the use of one finger, an important finger, I might add, I got on some yoga pants and a bra. I drew the line at socks and just slipped on some shoes, grabbed my purse and drove down the street.

Everything after that was pretty uneventful. The ER was not packed, at all, THANK GOD. I was fast tracked and brought back pretty quickly. Which was good because the blood, OMG SO MUCH BLOOD.

(Side note, the triage nurse asked about my medications. I told her I was on Prozac. And she said “what’s that?” And I just looked at her and was like “an anti-depressant.” And she looked at me and then my finger and was like “oh, you’re depressed?” YES, AND I TRIED TO OFF MYSELF BY CHOPPING OFF THE TIPPY TOP OF MY FINGER! FAIL!) (That was the first time in a really long time I was embarrassed about being on anti-depressants. At a hospital. Talking to a nurse. Yeesh!)

The doctor checked it out. Realized it was a gusher and that I probably hit a blood vessel or two and I would need stitches. This meant numbing me up, so yay! Pain, pain go away!

She numbs my finger up, making it look like a sausage with all the liquid she pumped in there and the pain started to subside. So she got all ready to stitch me up. She put the needle in and I jumped 10 feet in the air because while the base of my finger was feeling good, the tip, the exposed nerve part, was not numb! She tried at a different spot with the same result, yet this time she had to put the stitch in so, yeah, feeling a stitch go through skin? Not fun.

She finally put the numbing shit right on the tip of my finger, shooting a needle UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAIL TO NUMB IT ALL! OH SWEET JESUS!

Sorry, I just fainted remembering this. I actually think I blocked it out.

Then it was all fine. All stitched up and still gushing blood. So they put something on it to help with the clotting and then it stopped. I was whisked away for X-Rays, to make sure I didn’t hit the bone. I came very close, but was fine. So I left with a prescription for antibiotics and a note to call a hand specialist to make an appointment with him.

Oh yes, because I will probably need a skin graft. I’ll find out more next week. *HEADDESK*

And there was this:

So that was my Wednesday night. Now I have to walk around with my finger looking like a giant tampon. But at least I still have a finger. And know mildly how I act in crisis mode. Oh, and where the closest hospital is.

So it’s a new year, which means it is time for resolutions and all that good stuff. I, for one, have made one to eat better and exercise more. Which I’m pretty sure is what I say every year. But this year, especially, I feel like I went way overboard with unhealthy eating from Thanksgiving to New Year’s. Like not a semi-normal, few treats here, few treats there, holiday-eating-in-excess-on-the-actual-holiday kind of thing. Nope, I went balls to the wall for like 2 months, eating anything and everything, enough to have my pants really not fit at all.

So in a fit of crying over tight pants and complete lethargy, I decided that I would do the Whole 30 in January. I’ve been debating it for a few months, but there was no way I was going to do that to myself over any holiday.

The plan was to start on January 2. Because I’m a realist and knew I would spend all day on New Year’s Day hungover and in bed. Which was the case because I was out until like 5 AM on NYE. This coming off a drunken binge on Sunday after watching football and drinking for like 7 hours straight and NOT eating. At 3 PM on NYE, I was convinced I wasn’t even going to drink that night. That went out the window, clearly.

And because of the early morning shenanigans (late night NYE dance party, FTW!), I did nothing on January 1. Well, not completely true. I napped. And I think I ate some food. And then I took another nap. And I even went grocery shopping. But that was the extent. Whole 30 was going to have to start on the 3rd, because I am a degenerate.

If you aren’t aware of what the Whole 30 is, it’s basically what I call a super strict, squeaky clean version of Paleo. On crack. You can read more here. I’ve read the book It Starts With Food and it was really eye-opening. I figured you could scoff at their research, but until you did the Whole 30 you can’t really judge. I am a huge emotional eater. I crave sugar all the time. I have wicked swings in hunger and crazy drops in my blood sugar level. (Crazy enough that I’ve almost passed out several times. This is not normal.) So I wanted to take on this clean eating and learn about the response I have to putting things (or not putting things) into my body.

The biggest challenge is not only sugar, but also booze. Because I am a 35 year old singleton and I would like to have some semblance of a social life. And that pretty much involves drinking. So 30 days without a drop of alcohol might very well kill me. Which is probably another problem all in itself.

Today was Day 5. It isn’t so bad. I’m thankful that I was doing a Paleo kind of diet in the last five or so months so at least I know that I will feel like shit. For all the crap I ate during the holidays, I’m surprised I haven’t felt worse. So far I’m just kind of tired at times. And I really want some ice cream after dinner. Damn you, Sugar Dragon!

On Saturday, I went out to see a show as part of Chicago Sketchfest. After that, we went to a bar down the street. I stayed out from 9 PM to 2 AM drinking nothing but water and club soda. It was not the worst thing in the world. I actually had fun. Also, people are really hard to understand when they are slurring at 2 AM. Is it something I can keep doing for the next 25 days? Yes. Is it something I want to keep up after Day 30? Hell no.

It was so nice to wake up Sunday without a hangover and be productive, though.

I don’t think I’m going to chronicle much of it here, since I’d imagine most people find that boring. But I am excited to let you know how it is all going and especially to hopefully share some good thoughts about it at the end of the 30 days. You know, once I get back from my week-long sugar and booze bender.

It’s no secret that I color my hair. In fact, in the six years I’ve been writing on this blog, I think I’ve gone from blonde to brown to blonde back to brown again. Right now it is brown and I think it is the closest I’ve ever been to my natural color since high school. High school being the time before I started coloring my hair.

I haven’t been to the salon in a LONG time. My stylist up and had a baby and I’ve been looking for a new one in the City. I have a few names, but this time of year I’m so busy, I haven’t had time to actually make an appointment. At this rate, my stylist will be back from maternity leave and I’ll have to make an appointment due to my faded, dull hair that has grown to Rapunzel lengths.

So my stylist used to work at a salon. Now she’s on her own. The thing about this that pisses me off is that she doesn’t have a salon full of hair products that I can buy and be reminded to buy every time I get my hair done. Which means I’m left to my own devices when it comes to buying shampoo and conditioner.

And here is where the problem starts – I am lazy and I shop for hair products at the grocery store. Do you know what that means? It means my color lasts like 2 weeks and my hair looks like crap. Especially now that it is winter and DRY, DRY, DRY. Because I buy crap shampoo and conditioner from the grocery store.

There is a reason the saying “you get what you pay for” exists. Because sometimes it is necessary to buy higher-end shampoo and conditioner so that you can protect the investment of coloring/dyeing on your hair.

Enter Fekkai and their Salon Technician Color Care™ collection. This is the perfect thing to not only protect your color from the elements and crappy shampoo, but also a way to keep your hair healthy through all the damage we put it through with blow dryers, curling irons and flat irons.

The best part is you can shop all the Fekkai Collections online. And just in time for the holidays, order online here and get 10% off your total order and a complimentary headband with a purchase of $50 or more (while supplies last). Just enter Promo Code: HEADBAND when you check out.

For those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter, she passed away on Wednesday night. My mom called me on Wednesday morning to let me know that Gram had taken a turn for the worse. Her body shut down and she was in a coma. Not knowing how long she would last, I tried to decided if I wanted to try and see her in the morning on Thursday, or leave my last memory of her as the one from the Saturday prior, when she was awake and asking me about my love life.

I didn’t need to decide. By that evening, she was gone. My mom and aunt were in her room at the nursing home earlier in the day and had said their goodbyes. My mom said Gram looked so peaceful and calm. For so long she had been in so much pain that she was always so clenched up. I am glad she didn’t suffer and that she finally let go.

Little did we know, Gram planned for all of this. She had a letter to my mom and my aunt, marked that they couldn’t read until she died. It had instructions on how she wanted her funeral to be handled. And she made sure to point out that we should all look nice and get dressed up, even if we had to use her money to buy clothes for all the kids.

She also wrote a letter to each of the grandchildren. It was done quite some time ago, since it was back when I was in California. But it is something I will absolutely cherish for the rest of my life. All you parents out there, you should plan to do this. It helped me so much with closure and it was just nice, one last time, to hear from Gram.

My Gram was an amazing person. I got my stubborn streak from her and I learned from her to speak my mind. She survived the Depression. She raised two kids as a working mother. Some of my best memories as a child is of the weekends when Grandma and Papa came over to visit. They would bring us Dunkin Donuts and then we’d always go out to eat at Denny’s.

When my parents got divorced, it was hard, financially, on my mom. My grandparents took us in. We lived there and they always made sure, for the rest of our lives, that we always had clothes on our backs and food on the table. None of us, me, my brother or my sister, would be where we were without my Gram. I don’t think I ever really thanked her for that. I hope she knew.

I think that in some way, Gram planned this to happen before Thanksgiving. We were all stressing, worrying about how to get her home to celebrate with us, or how we could celebrate with her. And I think, as far as these things go, it happened at the right time. We had to all be together on Thanksgiving anyway, and it was exactly what we needed to remember Gram and her life and how important she was to all of us.

She had deteriorated so much in the last few years, especially in the last few months. But the way she looked today, was like Gram of 5 years ago. And she looked so peaceful and, oddly, full of life. It was a wonderful last image for all of us to have of her.

Gram, I will miss you more than I can ever say. You have meant to much to me and you have made me such a strong person. I hope you’re up in heaven with Papa, happily reunited (and not annoying him too much) and proud of the amazing daughters, grandchildren and great grandchildren you have loved as much as we loved you.

Rest in peace.

Miss Me But Let Me Go

Author: Anonymous

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want to rites in a gloom-filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little-but not too long

And not with your head bowed low

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me-but let me go

For this is a journey that we all must take

And each must go alone.

It’s all part of the Master’s plan

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick of heart

Go to the friends we know

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me but let me go.

Gram isn’t doing so well. She’s 89, it’s to be expected. A few months back, she stopped being able to use her walker and was now getting from room to room in a wheelchair. She couldn’t get up at night to use the bathroom or even reach over to the commode in her bedroom. My mom, who lives with her, would help her with all this.

My mom had a doctor’s appointment back in August in the early morning on a Saturday out in the burbs. She asked me to come over and help Gram out of bed, get her breakfast, help her do what she needed, etc. I was more than happy to.

In those few hours, just lifting her and moving her from one room to another (pre-wheelchair), I was exhausted. I didn’t know how my mom did it every day. It was too much for her to handle. I think all of us in the family knew it was probably time to start thinking about other options.

Gram had someone come to help during the day, but still a lot of it was left to my mom. I think my mom would admit the worst was getting woken up in the middle of the night when Gram had to go to the bathroom. My mom is no spring chicken. It was taking a toll.

Last week Gram was sick. Her blood pressure was sky-high and she was hallucinating. It worried my mom and my aunt. The paramedics were called and she was admitted to the hospital. After a day, her blood pressure evened out and her medication levels were normalized and they were going to discharge her.

Problem is, we knew my mom couldn’t do it anymore on her own. Gram going home was not the right place for her. After all this time, we all realized that it was time for her to go to a nursing home.

She moved in last Friday. I went to visit her on Saturday and she slept the whole time. She was so out of it. The only time she said anything was when she was yelling at the nurse, using swear words, something Gram never did.

By Sunday, my aunt had visited and said she was awake, but was super depressed and just talking about wanting to die.

In the move to the home, she hurt her leg and it was stuck in a bent position. It was causing her a lot of pain (hence the swear words) and meant that she couldn’t do much but lay in bed.

With her moving in on the weekend, with a skeleton staff, we knew it wouldn’t be until Monday until she could start physical therapy and hope to maybe get a bit stronger.

According to my mom, PT has helped her leg. She’s still weak and frail and can’t pick up the phone if we call. But we’re all hoping she gets better. Or as best as she can, since she’s 89 and has lived a long life.

This has been a really hard time for my mom and aunt. When we were younger, Gram’s brother-in-law was in a home due to dementia. He needed the care. My grandma and grandpa went to visit him often. And Gram always told us she would never go into a home. She’d rather be dead. She made us all promise we wouldn’t do that to her.

The place Gram is at is nice. All the people there are lovely. (Helps when you bring a two year old as cute as Maddie to charm the pants off everyone.) She is getting the best care.

But that doesn’t make it easier. We all know this is the right decision. She has to be in a place with 24/7 care with trained professionals. My 60-year old mom can no longer do this every night. None of us can. This isn’t what we are trained to do.

It has been so hard. It is so sad to watch your loved ones get old. I know this is what she needs, what is best for everyone, but it is still very hard to go through.

We are all banding together, making sure we can go visit her so that she’s never alone too much. It’s hard, especially with the holidays coming up. But this is what family does.

I love my Gram so much. I don’t want to think about my life without her in it, but that is childish of me to think. It is inevitable. I am so, so lucky to have had her in my life for 35 years. She has been such an important person to me and all of us. She is strong and stubborn and the best grandma anyone can ask for.

So I’m just going to enjoy her as much as I can as long as she’s still here.

 I love you Grandma Just Grandma!

The theme of today’s Photo a Day thing on Instagram is reflection. Or that was yesterday’s theme. Regardless, it got me thinking about today and yesterday and, yes, politics.

I’m not an overly political person. I have become more so in my old age, which I love because I love having more knowledge about what is going on in the world and being a more-informed voter. But I would never say I’m 100% knowledgeable. I’m not sure I’m even 50% knowledgeable on all the issues. I know what issues matter to me, and I vote accordingly. I lean left, so I’m pretty much always going to vote for a Democrat.

That being said, I know plenty of Republicans and conservatives and people who do not think the way I do when it comes to the political spectrum. It is OK. That is what makes our country great. Because we can all live in this wonderful country, and not worry about being persecuted for those beliefs. We’re allowed to believe the way we do. Sadly, though, it isn’t always nice and harmonious, as many of us saw on Facebook in the last few months. (On BOTH sides.)

Four years ago today, after Barack Obama was elected the first black President of the United States, I wrote this post. And that day, I was offered a job with my previous company. I only remember this because the recruiter at said job mentioned that post while he was offering me the job. I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing for three seconds when he told me that, but then it never came up in the time I worked there.

Since that time, I bought my first house, a condo I love. I got a new job that I love that challenges me and that I never want to leave.

I don’t think this all has to do with Obama. I am better off than I was four years ago, but a lot of that is my doing. Obama was a key player in my ability to buy a condo, with his first-time buyer’s program. And I’m planning to be able to refinance my place to save some money, even though I’m underwater, due to another one of his programs.

I also am a woman and have a pre-existing condition, so I am thankful for Obamacare. I hope I won’t need it, but am so happy it is there if I ever need to get it. It isn’t perfect, but it is better than we had. I am very happy to not be paying more to go to the doctor for a physical than a man.

Am I 100% happy with the job he has done the last four years? No. Not by a long shot. But I am happy he’s getting another four years to fix what is wrong. No one could have done much with this economy in just four years. I am glad to see he will get more time to fix it and he better damn well do it.

But there was a comment on CNN last night that was so dead on. This was before the race was called. It was getting closer to looking like an Obama victory, but they pointed out the popular vote. At that point, Romney was ahead in the popular vote. And the one woman on CNN pointed that out. She said that regardless of who won, ours was a divided country and that something needed to be done about that.

THIS. This is the most important thing to come out of this election. This is what people need to be focusing on. We are a divided country, and yet a large majority of voters (on all sides) in exit polls said that things need to be changed. That isn’t a partisan belief. We ALL, as Americans, know that things need to change. Things here need to get better. We need to have more jobs, more people working and a healthy economy.

I hope this is the thing that all of our elected officials remember when they start their new session in Congress in 2013. We need to work together. This isn’t a Democrat issue; this isn’t a Republican issue. This is an American issue. And we all need to work together to get America back to where she used to be. There are too many people suffering here, in the USA, for this to keep going on like this.

Let’s stop worrying about the other party and partisanship, and let our elected officials start worrying about their constituents, the ones that got them elected. Let them start worrying about how to fix this. You represent everyone, not just the people who voted for you. Let them put this shit aside and get this country back up and running. No more name calling and finger pointing. Let’s make them do the job they were elected for. Let us all put aside petty differences and get back to helping others help themselves.

After the nastiness of this election, this is something all of us can aim to do. We all live here, let’s ALL make an effort to make it a better country, a better place for all of us, red or blue. In four years, we should all say we are better off.

Well, unless you’re Mitt Romney.