Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 17, 2008

Clearly I’ve gone from having semi-relative and sometimes creative titles to just writing Twitter-like updates in my blog post title box.

But really, I think we all can agree that today was that kind of day. I am clearly not alone, as I saw a lot of the same “TODAY REALLY BLOWS” and “FUCK YOU MONDAY!” sentiments on Twitter today and all around the interwebs.

For me, it all started a little after midnight, right when it officially became Monday, when I couldn’t fall asleep. Not really all that surprising since at that point I had been up for less than 12 hours. But I did plan ahead and took a Benadryl around 9 PM. Those things always knock me out and give me heavy eyelids, so I hoped I would be OK.

I wasn’t. I tossed and turned until after 2 AM. When my alarm went off, it felt like I had just finally fallen asleep. Thankfully my new job has some flexible hours. I can basically come in at 8 or 8:30 (or so is my understanding) as long as I put in my eight hours. So today, as my alarm went off after what seemed like 17 minutes of sleep, I reset it for 30 minutes later. I think it helped. That and the large latte.

The morning didn’t get much better as soon as I walked outside to catch the bus. One, it was freezing. Two, the bus took forever to come, even though CTA’s Bustracker kept saying it was only six minutes away for about 10 minutes, and three, I forgot my hat. It was 30 degrees out and was supposed to snow, and I forgot my damn hat. FAIL WHALE!

Once the bus finally came, it was PACKED. I overheard that the bus ahead of this one had broken down. Which would explain why it was perpetually six minutes away. And while irritating as it is to have to wait out in the cold and then be packed into a bus like sardines, there isn’t much you can do about it. You are a slave to their timetable. Unless you want to walk and/or drive. But clearly the old lady who got on the bus didn’t subscribe to this same philosophy. Which was evident by her incessant loud, audible sighing. To which the bus driver then yelled at her for.

Now I get it. I was irritated too. But if you think that public transportation in Chicago is always running in a timely fashion, you clearly don’t take public transportation a lot and/or don’t live here. What good is sighing going to do? What good is yelling at the bus driver? The bus driver that is carting your ass around, I might add. I wanted to yell GET OVER IT YOU OLD HAG! But it was so packed in there that my face was pressed into some guy’s ass so it would have just been a muffled cry. Like the teacher on Charlie Brown.

Of course my transit woes didn’t end there. Once I got to the Blue Line stop, I got on a train that only went one stop and then we all had to get off. So I had to stand out in the cold some more, without a hat (did I mention this?), and contemplate why I decided today wouldn’t be a good day to drive. But at least I didn’t SIGH. And neither did that lady. Because I pushed her onto the tracks. Nothing like a little electrocution to shut your sigh-hole, grandma.

The CTA Gods made it up to me on my way home, having the bus there as soon as I got off the train so I was home in no time flat.

I’m hoping Tuesday morning will go better. And at least I’ll remember my hat.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Transit Tales | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 16, 2008

I have a really hard time coming up with titles. That’s the hardest part of the blog writing process for me. Am I the only one? Oh how many times I wanted to type “Insert Title Here: Part 796” for the title and call it a day. I would save it until the last thing, but then it screws up the whole permalink thing and bloggy speak, blah, blah, blah,  AND writing titles is hard.

Hey! So I had my first day at work on Friday. I will not go into any details on here, but would like to say THANK YOU to all of you who wished me luck! My first day went really well. I learned a lot and everyone is really nice. Right before I left on Friday, I spun in a circle in the lobby and sang “I think I’m gonna like it here” a la Annie. (I even wore a red shirt.)

It was nice to start on a Friday and get my feet wet with the being alert and paying attention and using my brain on more than “Me hungry. Need food. Call for burrito. NOM NOM NOM.” It was a packed day with the learning and a really good way to get back into the working world. Because when the day was over, BAM! it was the weekend!

The only problem with that was that I fell right back into my old unemployed habits as soon as I got home. I came home and drank a lot of wine and then stayed up too late and then slept in late on both Saturday and Sunday morning. I didn’t try to get back into the routine or anything. And now it is Sunday night and I’m not even tired. Monday will be a blast. Thank God we have a Starbucks in the lobby.

I’m sure this full week coming up will be rough come Friday when I’ve had to use my brain for five whole days straight. And then I will feel I have earned a weekend of sleeping in. As opposed to this weekend where I was just drunk and/or lazy.

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In other weekend news, I actually missed unemployment when I went down to do my laundry on a Sunday afternoon. Did you know that like EVERYONE does their laundry on Sunday afternoons? Or is that just my apartment complex? Oh, mid-weekday afternoon laundry time, I miss you so.

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I also spent too much of my leftover severance money on clothes today. I wanted to go shopping last week, but didn’t get around to it. (I also apparently didn’t get around to doing laundry in the middle of the day.) So I figured since it was freezing out today (oh, yes it was people. IT SNOWED!) that I would do a little shopping online. I found some cute things and I’m sure that some things won’t fit right and I’ll have to return them, which will make the amount I spent a little less obscene.

But this way maybe I’ll be able to do The Working Closet, hopefully without Slynnro openly mocking me in front of strangers. Now I just need a full length mirror.

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What else did I do this weekend? Not a whole lot. I cried over Dr. Mark Greene coming back to ER. (Seriously people, he didn’t even have to say anything, he just showed up and the tears, they were a flowin’.) And I’m happy to know that I have fellow ER lovers/sobbers on Twitter to commiserate with.

Oh, right, and I signed up for online dating. (GASP!) At Chemistry.com. It is one site I have never tried. It’s like eHarmony, what with the personality matching and stuffs. But since eHarmony tends to lean more conservatively, I figured I’d try this one. Right now I’ve only done the test and uploaded my photos. I’m trying to go in with an open mind and not be so Judgey McJudgerson. WHICH IS HARD TO DO, letmetellyou.

Which brings me back full circle to the headline/blog title thing. Because I NEVER know what to write on those online dating profiles. I always go full cheese, people. Because I think it is funny. But then I forget that if you don’t know me, you probably think I’m the LAMEST PERSON EVER. Well, actually you may think that if you do know me. Bygones.

Like for instance, my first “headline” was “Snarky, Sports Fan Looking For Her Go-To Receiver.” Which I can’t even type without either laughing or vomiting. I finally changed it to “Loves To Laugh.” Which, too, is lame, but kind of cute, and also something I repeat in my profile part. Because I do love to laugh. Mostly at my own jokes. I’m fun at parties.

I went for not a lot of info in the profile. I’ve never done that before. I’m going to see how this works.

Really I should just write:

Look, I love TV and am a lazy slob. Also, I like to drink a lot of alcohol. Different kinds – wine, beer, whiskey – so clearly I don’t discriminate. I don’t like to work out, my pants are too tight and sometimes I talk to my two cats. (Yes, TWO.) I’m really funny. I love to laugh, especially when people fall. I have a blog, so don’t do anything stupid, or I will have to talk about you. I like sports, but not playing them. (Read above where I mention being lazy. Please don’t fail the reading comprehension portion of the exam.) I prefer watching sports in a bar, which combines my three loves – TV, sports and alcohol. Do I sound like your kind of girl? Hit me back, you.

P.S. I’m tall, so midgets need not apply.

I wonder how well that would go over?

Category: Land of Random, Online Dating, Worky Work | 32 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 13, 2008

Oh hai there! So tomorrow morning, I start my new job. This is not the first time I have written a post like this. In fact, this would be the third time I’ve written here about starting a new job. Third time’s a charm, they say. I hope “they” are right.

I haven’t been unemployed for that long. It’s only been a little over two months. Not long compared to a lot of people out there right now. But let me say, I jumped right into the unemployed life with both feet back in September. That means I relished my days of sleeping in and watching daytime television and going to Target in the middle of the day. Hell, I’ve been there twice just this week.

And now, abruptly, that is all coming to an end. Well, not that abruptly. I have known about it for a week. So I’ve had plenty of time to get re-acclimated with being up during daylight hours and not staying up until 2 AM and being alert for hours on end. I have had time and I have NOT USED IT! Even today, around 2 PM, I got sleepy and debated taking a nap. Knowing full well that a nap would not be productive to me when I went to lay down my sweet head tonight. But I didn’t succumb. I fought through it by finally catching up on blogs.

Actually, I had grand plans for my last day as a sloth. I was going to get up at a reasonable time (I’m not insane people. It’s still my last day of freedom, I wasn’t going to forgo sleeping in) and then I was going to head downtown and do some shopping, maybe buy myself a new outfit for my first day.

Instead, my tooth had another idea. Because last night I started to get a dull ache in my tooth. The tooth I had the most recent root canal on. The tooth THAT HAS NO NERVE. Yes, the tooth with no nerve was aching. The day before I was set to go back to work. When I would no longer have oodles of time in the middle of the day. Oodles of time to say, SCHEDULE DENTIST APPOINTMENTS.

So I called my dentist. They said to call the root canal specialist I saw a few weeks ago. I pleaded with them and told them my situation. I think it went a bit like “I can’t be that girl that has to take time off within a week of starting her new job. WAH.” And they understood. Also, they asked me questions and figured out that my bite was probably uneven and because of that and because I grind my teeth at night (more so lately because of new job nerves) I was probably causing some pain to the bone.

They got me in right then. They fixed the bite (which, I won’t even point out was messed up when the LAST asshat dentist put the crown on) and then she filled it with more of a longer lasting temporary filling. So that I can wait until January 1, when I have dental insurance again, to get the crown filled. And on top of all this accommodating, IT WAS FREE.

Let me just say, I’m SO glad I sent the thank you note. I love this dentist! I wish they did more than root canals. (Case in point, when I came in, I was all “thank you so much for squeezing me in!” And the awesome dentist was all “of course! Thank you for not sitting around in pain.” Love. her.)

After that, I was too tired and too lazy to go shopping. So I came home and caught up on my DVR and just relaxed and enjoyed my last day off. It was a very nice relaxing day.

Now I should figure out what I’m wearing tomorrow and maybe actually get some sleep. So that I can actually be alert and awake for 9 hours tomorrow while I’m at WORK. At a JOB. Because I haven’t done that for quite some time.

Wish me luck!

Category: Dental DAMN, Unemployment Line, Videos | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 12, 2008

It’s winter here in Chicago. Yes, I know the calendar and the equinoxes say it isn’t so, but yesterday frozen moisture was falling out of the sky. (I mean, I am pretty sure it was sleeting. I don’t think the birds were tapping on my window to say hello.) When rain freezes, it’s winter. I won’t mention that it was like 75 degrees 10 days ago. Because that will make me sad and make me put my flip flops on out of reminiscing. And it is cold in here and I like all 10 toes that I have.

Tuesday night I was walking around outside, for no good reason really, just to spin around in circles and stare at people passing by and celebrate the awesomeness that is the iPhone. I kid. No, I was walking down to meet Rhi for dinner. And as I was walking in my wool coat and gloves and hat, in the freezing rain, I realized I hate rain in the winter. (Again, know it isn’t winter. But it is cold enough to be, calendar be damned.) Seriously, if it is going to be in the 30s and be cold enough to snow, I prefer snow. There, I said it. At some point if I’m wearing a winter hat, I want it to protect me from snow. Because if you’re wearing a hat and it is cold and you need the warmth for your ears and forehead, rain is no good. Why, you ask? Because then you’re wet AND cold. Which is a BAD combination. Because if the rain is freezing, that means at some point, your cold, wet body might freeze into a giant HUMAN ICICLE!

Anyway, so as I was walking to meet Rhi, I realized how much I’ve changed since I’ve moved back to a colder climate. I lived in either Arizona or California for 10 years, going back to when I was still a teenager, so when I moved back to Chicago in March of 2005, I was unprepared for cold and snow. In fact, on my drive from California to Illinois, I didn’t even have a snow brush. Which meant, when it snowed 6 inches overnight when I stopped in Montana, I had to clean it off with the arm of my jacket. WITH NO GLOVES! I swear, it was like I didn’t grow up in Chicago AT ALL.

Since I’ve been back, I have had to re-acclimate myself with winter coats and scarves and gloves and hats. I admit to being a stupid teenager and not wearing hats and gloves when I was in high school. But then again, I didn’t have to walk very far in the cold. Yes, I’ve been lazy since then.

Now it is a different story. At the very least, I have to walk outside to my car, which is usually a block or more away. And if I take public transportation, there is walking to the bus or the train and then the WAITING in the cold. And let me tell you, you haven’t felt cold until you have to stand on an elevated platform waiting for your train in January with wind chills below zero whipping in your face and right through your soul.

So now, I am prepared. I am prepared to the point of unfashionable. Because in the middle of January when you are walking around outside, or waiting for a bus, you want to be as warm as you can. It isn’t possible to be that warm when it is -25 outside, but a good coat and a good hat can go a long way.

I look stupid in ski hats. I know this. But I have also learned, this is the best way to keep warm. Because I like my ears and I do not want them to fall off. When I first moved back, I went to Target and bought the cute hat and matching gloves and scarf. And then January came. And that hat didn’t cover my ears and I almost became Vincent Van Gogh. AND NOT BY CHOICE.

So then I grew up and threw fashion out the window. Because that tacky Chicago Bears hat I have is the warmest I own. And you know what? I WEAR MITTENS! Oh yes, I do. Because they keep your hands warmer! And I wear a big, long down jacket. I look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. If he was a Bears fan wearing MITTENS.

And I don’t care. Because it keeps me as warm as I can be. Because during Chicago winters, warm trumps cute, every time.

Oh, and Rhi and I had a great time at dinner. We talked and drank lots of beers. It was teh awesome. She needs to move here now.

Category: Weather dot com | 23 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 10, 2008

Do you remember like 17 weeks ago when I asked you all to leave questions for Bacon? And that he would answer your questions in a timely fashion? Well, clearly, I was lying out of my piehole because I don’t even remember how long ago that post was written.

But some things in life are worth waiting for. Including this post. And Bacon’s answers. I just hope they are funny. Bacon is all salty (pun intended) because I ignored him today after I brought home my new iPhone.  So without further ado, here are Bacon’s answers – Part 1. Because there were quite a few questions. And there are only a certain number of answers on that wheel o’ Bacon.

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Dear Bacon,

Why does my annoying neighbor always take his cat for a walk (on a cat-leash) right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left of my door?

I love you – Jules

Dear Jules,

Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.

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Dear Bacon,

What will happen to Sarah Palin’s $150,000 color-me-smart wardrobe after her and McCain lose the upcoming presidential election? (And yes, I AM knocking on wood right now, throwing salt over my left shoulder, and saying a short prayer to a god I don’t necessarily believe in just to make sure I didn’t jinx it for us.)

I hope the answer involves a skillet or something equally heinous! – Tokyo Cowgirl

Dear Bacon’s Japanese Friend,

Bacon doesn’t wear clothes. Unless you count a homemade sweater comprised of dust and cat hair that Bacon is sporting these days. But Bacon doesn’t get all the hub-bub with the wardrobe of Sarah Palin. But Bacon guesses that the wardrobe will end up “Hanging Out With Hash Browns.” Which means those expensive suits will end up on a homeless person sitting outside a McDonald’s on State Street in Chicago.

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Bacon,

I’m tormented by people downtown in Chicago who STROLL, not walk, on the way to public transportation. And they tend to STROLL in packs so you can’t just walk around them. I feel like I’m playing human dodgeball. Since I don’t want to end up with a bullet up my ass for saying something salty to them, what can I do? – Mahnee

Dear Kristabella’s mom,

Would it be possible, Bacon wonders, for you to have a discussion with your daughter about her slovenly habits? And maybe you would like to have these stupid cats come visit you for an extended period of time? So maybe that one hairball of a cat stops chewing on my Bacon spinner, fortheloveofallthatisgoodandholy.

Oh, and to answer your question, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” on those damn tourists and people who stroll! STOP WALKING SO SLOW! Bacon wants all of you to remember this when you come to town next year for that weird blogging conference you all seem to enjoy so much. You know, that one where there are a bunch of whales who didn’t graduate or something.

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Bacon,

What is up with those assholes who block all traffic in the grocery store parking lot just so that they can back into the parking space? It’s not like they need the quick getaway and backing in will make it harder for them to load their groceries in the trunk. – Jen on the Edge

Dear Jen,

Wow, Bacon is sure getting a lot of questions about people not getting out of the way fast enough. Bacon has to say he has never encountered this before in his grocery shopping trips. Because Bacon doesn’t go to the grocery store. He’s stuck eating the crumbs that fall from Kristabella’s plate. Sometimes Bacon is appreciative that Kristabella never cleans.

In this instance, Bacon suggests you “Beckon” those people over politely to your car window. And when they get close enough, run over them. That should teach them.

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Bacon,

How can I get my husband to put his beloved Karmen Ghia into storage so I can have my garage spot back? And on that note, why have I lost my garage spot for his second car?

Sincerely – Frost on the Windshield

Dear Frosty the Snowwoman,

Bacon isn’t sure who this Karmen Ghia is, but he sure hopes she’s like that Carmen Miranda with all that fruit on her head. Bacon loves her! Maybe your husband doesn’t want this Karmen lady to have to move to a storage facility. That seems kind of insensitive of you, Frosty.

But if you must put this lovely Ms. Ghia out, then the best way to solve your dilemma, Bacon says, is to “Tempt A Vegan.” And by that, Bacon means you better hope your husband is a Vegan so you can tempt him with a plate piled high of tasty Bacon. Also, tempting him with hot, hot sex wouldn’t hurt.

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If your questions weren’t answered in this round, don’t despair, there will be at least one more, if not two, installments of Bacon answering your questions.

And if you just realized you have a burning frying question for Bacon, feel free to leave it in the comments. But keep in mind, these are the crap answers you will be getting.

Category: Bacon | 12 Comments »
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