Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 2, 2008

I’m sorry I’ve been a little non-existent on here lately. I have no real excuses. And I do want to go back to my old five-night a week blogging habit, but I have had a hard time keeping up with it. I’m in a bit of a funk with my writing and I have been choosing sleep over blogging on most occasions. Which, I’m not really upset about because I love me some sleep. Even if I am always tired.

(Like last night when I took my typical Sunday night Benadryl (because I have trouble falling asleep on Sunday nights from all the sleeping in over the weekend) and instead of it taking two hours to kick in, it took two minutes and I was drooling on the couch at 8 PM.)

Anyway, that isn’t the whole point of this post. The point of this post is to tell you about my fun times at the Urgent Care Center on Friday night.

First, I need to point out I am not a hypochondriac. I am the complete opposite of it. I hate going to the doctor. I really wait until the last possible moment to go if I’m having health issues. I am so the person that would show up with a tumor the size of a three year old growing on my neck and be all “it’s just a little swollen. I have large glands.”

So in the last week I was having some issues with my breathing. I was a little short of breath, like a toddler was sitting on my chest at ALL TIMES. I didn’t think much of it. (See: hating the doctor above.) I figured it was because I was chubby and out of shape. But then one morning I woke up and just couldn’t take a deep breath. Like I was yawning all the time because I couldn’t get oxygen. And then there was this little twinge behind my shoulder blade on the right side. That’s when I realized “hmmm, maybe I should go to the doctor.” (Only after people yelled at me to.)

That was on Wednesday afternoon. But when I called the doctor’s office, they were closed. Because apparently people don’t get sick the day before Thanksgiving. So I planned to complain more about it, add a little wheezing, get some sympathy on Thanksgiving and call the doctor on Friday morning.

Except, I had to work on Friday. Something I haven’t done since my NFL days when the day after Thanksgiving is just Friday. And since Friday marked only my second week at the job, I didn’t want to be that girl who had to take off to go to the doctor. So I decided to go to the Urgent Care place near my house that surprisingly never has a long wait and costs the same co-pay as my doctor’s office. (Thank you old company for the severance that gave me 6 months of health insurance.)

So after Googling symptoms and figuring I either had cancer, pneumonia or acid reflux, I went to find out. There wasn’t anyone waiting and I got right in. I explained to the doctor all my symptoms and he checked me out. He listened to my chest and nothing. Everything checked out normal.

But because it involved breathing and the lungs he figured he should probably check my heart. And give me an EKG.

And then I? Lost my shit. There were tears and some shaking and hair pulling. Because that’s like straight out of a TV show where you go in for what you think is pneumonia and end up with a TUMOR ON YOUR HEART! JUST LIKE DR. GOOGLE SAID!

So I had to get ready for the nurse to put all the electrodes on me. All while trying to regain my shit. With the nurse constantly reminding me “you need to calm down.” NOT GOING TO HAPPEN LADY!

Did you know that when you have an EKG they attach those electrode things to your legs? Did you know I haven’t shaved my legs since I don’t even want to admit? Because it is winter and no one is seeing my legs. And the cats like something soft and furry to cuddle with.

So not only was I getting an EKG, freaking the fuck out, crying, I also had the world’s hairiest legs! COMMENCE RED-FACED EMBARRASSMENT!

Thankfully it was fine. I’m fine. Nothing is wrong with me. So since Dr. Google mentioned possible acid reflux, I just bought some Zantac and moved on. I feel better. So it was either heartburn (that didn’t burn AT ALL) or stress.

And my legs are still hairy.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me | 31 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 26, 2008

Hello my loyal subjects!

It is Bacon here. I’m writing to all of you on the eve of this Thanksgiving holiday because our fair Kristabella is lying on the couch, wine glass in hand, enjoying her evening going into a holiday. You know, because it has been a long time since she had all the time in the world to DO NOTHING BUT SIT ON THE COUCH!

Ahem.

Also, Kristabella is complaining about breathing or something. I would know nothing about that because I am a folder. I am made of paper and a little bit if metal. The metal makes me spin. She’s got some issue where she’s having a hard time breathing, mostly because she’s lazy and doesn’t move a whole lot. But also maybe because she quite possibly might be sick. Or if she goes by Dr. Google’s diagnosis, SHE HAS CANCER AND IS DYING.

But who cares about her anyway? Bacon is here and is there anything better? The answer to that question is a resounding NO! Bacon would like to remind you that he does have some questions to answer and he will be doing that tomorrow, when his belly is fully of turkey and stuffing and wine and cat hair. (Bacon likes to just point that out so that maybe Kristabella will GET BACON OUT OF THE HOUSE TOMORROW.)

So Bacon would like to wish all of you a very happy Baconsgiving. Bacon doesn’t get a holiday, so this is it. And who wouldn’t want a holiday all about Bacon? Idiots, that’s who. And vegans.

Bacon (and Kristabella, I guess) are very thankful for all of you readers and friends. Bacon is also thankful our Kristabella has a job and is gainfully employed. And Bacon is also thankful for Jesus turning water into wine so that Kristabella would in turn love it and be tipsy enough to let Bacon take over this here blog tonight. Mwahahaha!

What are you all thankful for on this magical Baconsgiving holiday? (Besides Bacon, of course. That is a given.)

Bacon hopes you all have a wonderful holiday, or Thursday for those of you in Canada!

Category: Bacon, Holidaze | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 25, 2008

Last Monday night, right before I was going to bed at the late hour of 11:30 PM, because I’m incapable of going to bed at a normal time, I heard someone yelling out on the street. I was brushing my teeth and I heard someone yell “HELP! 911!” over and over. It was late and I live on a rather peaceful street and in a nice neighborhood.

At first I figured it was some hooligans joking around like yelling FIRE in a crowded theatre. So I just Twittered about it. But as I finished up brushing I started thinking. I wanted to help, but there was no way in hell I could go out there at 11:30 at night. I didn’t know what went down on the street and I wasn’t putting myself in any danger. Plus, I wasn’t wearing a bra.

But then I started freaking out. Because if I happened to get attacked or something and yelled out for help, I would hope someone would call the police. I’ve actually thought about that before. So as I thought about calling 911, I heard sirens and they stopped on my street. And I saw an ambulance and police cars so I felt good that whoever was out there got help.

The question was, though, what happened?

I mentioned it to my mom because she reads the paper and watches the news. And also because it was SO weird for my neighborhood. People, the soon to be Chief of Staff for Barack Obama lives a few blocks from me. It isn’t a bad neighborhood in the very least. And yes, I rent.

My mom works with a guy who lives in an apartment complex further down the street, closer to the action. He wasn’t home when it happened, but he saw blood on the ground near his place the next day. BLOOD! ON THE GROUND! WHAT THE FUCK?

I searched online and found nothing. And then, last Thursday, we had a note hanging in our entryway from the apartment managers. It said that someone was attacked and robbed. And then I lost my shit.

I’m careful. I’m not stupid. I’m definitely city smart and am always aware of my surroundings. I’ve spent the last 10-plus years living on my own in big cities. But the thing that scares me the most is that there are just some things I cannot avoid. I do not have a garage. I have to walk to my door every day. And it is dark when I get home. And since I sometimes have a life, I do come home later in the evening. I can only be so careful.

Last Friday night I got home around 11:30 PM. And believe me, the time was not lost on me. I was close to tears as I was walking the half-block to my house because this crime was supposedly a robbery, which means that the person probably didn’t get what they wanted and will be back for more. Maybe they were looking for Rahm and were on the WRONG BLOCK. I HAVE NO IDEA! I am not a criminal and cannot understand crimes. Minus crimes of passion that involve kidnapping Robert Pattinson!

So now, for the first time in my life, I think I’m going to need to buy some pepper spray. The thing is, where the hell do you get pepper spray? You can’t buy that shit on the internet, can you? At Target? I mean what if the package exploded? Have you ever inhaled pepper spray? It is the WORST!

(And no, someone wasn’t using it in self-defense against me. I was a stupid freshman in college and sprayed it in some other girl’s room and was all “I wonder what it smells like?” They were not pleased and had to sleep in the lounge that night. And I just walked out, choking, and was all “see you in the AM ladies!”)

I’ve become even more aware when I’m outside. Which isn’t a bad thing. Fear can be a good thing sometimes. And I’m going to take every precaution to not put myself in a situation where this could happen. Which means maybe I’ll just spend more time on my couch drinking wine and watching television. Because I NEVER do that.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Chi-town | 37 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 24, 2008

Well hello there Internet. How have you been? Did you have a nice weekend? Are you looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday? Or Thursday as it is known in Canada? Where have I been, you’re wondering? Oh, I have been sleeping.

No really. I had all intentions to post last Thursday night. But then I got home and passed out on the couch. At 7 PM. So I went to bed. I didn’t even turn on my computer or watch Izzy sleep with A DEAD MAN’S GHOST on Grey’s Anatomy. (Hello shark? You’ve been jumped.) I went to bed at 8:30 that night and then slept straight through until 6:45 the next morning. And then on Sunday night I went to bed at 8 PM. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so I decided that since I was so tired after being up for less than 12 hours, it was probably a good idea to listen to my body and get some rest. Either that or my brain was all “GO TO SLEEP NOW! MUST DREAM OF EDWARD! RAWR! AND YUMMMMM!” (Yes, I saw Twilight on Sunday.)

I’m not sure what my deal is. I’ve been in a bit of a funk since I started working. Last week being my first full, five-day week was rough. On top of just getting used to the whole routine and a new job, etc., I also went out on both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Old unemployed me didn’t see what the big deal was. Current employed me couldn’t argue with half-price wine. But current employed me regretted all this late-night gallivanting when it became harder and harder to get up every morning and Friday couldn’t come soon enough.

Clearly it caught up with me on Thursday night. And again on Sunday night. Because nothing says exhaustion like a weekend of sitting around watching TV and lusting after fictional teenage vampires.

I think it is the whole getting back in the routine thing that got me down and exhausted this week. Plus last week didn’t start off good, what with only a few hours of sleep to start the week. So this week should automatically be better because I started the week off with 10-plus hours of sleep. Plus, there is a holiday in there. Notice I said A holiday because I have to work on Friday. It’s like being in the NFL all over again.

So tonight I forced myself to do the things I usually do. I went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, did the dishes and made my lunch. I think I just have to force myself into forgetting those two-plus months of sleeping in until 10 AM and lying around all day on the couch. It’s good I drink a lot of alcohol and have killed a lot of brain cells. Those memories should be gone in no time.

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In other news, last Friday night a few friends and I went to this place called Simply Homemade. It’s one of those places where you can go to assemble homemade meals. They have all the ingredients, you basically throw it all into a bag, slap a label with cooking directions on it and you’re off! (It’s a genius idea, really. And everything is really fresh and organic. And the prices are not too bad.)

Anyway, the mom of a friend of ours is sick. So we thought this would be a good idea to give them some quality meals and they don’t have to worry about preparing and cleaning up. All you have to do for most of them is throw them in the oven and/or crock pot.

We had a lot of fun putting together the meals. Even though, may I suggest, drinking two beers before you go will make you unable to follow simple directions. (Drinking two beers before going might make you want to guzzle the white wine that is in the fridge for one of the sauces too. The guy working at the Simply Homemade kitchen WILL NOT find this funny.)

But we pulled through and figured it out and made eight great meals for our friend and her family.

Now we just have to hope no one is poisoned. Because that sure would be a good gift gone bad, wouldn’t it?

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And finally, today I participated in The Working Closet Flickr pool (you have to join to see the photos) for the first time and HUZZAH! Slynnro didn’t say mean things about me. (I was convinced her constant pestering of me to participate was all part of her evil plan to shame me on the internet. Like she’s prone to do.)

You should all participate. If only to see my photos in the Magic Slimming Mirror! Who needs diet and exercise when a mirror slims you down with no energy exerted?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on November 19, 2008

This will not be long, Nation. (I always want to address people like Stephen Colbert.) You see, it is late and I have to get up early. Because I have a J-O-B to go to. But also, I have to get up early because I have to make a dish for a pot luck at work tomorrow. YUM!

It is Wednesday night and this has already been a tough week. It has been a LONG week. And it is just half over. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the hang of this waking up early and going into work thing. And also, winter? You suck balls. Even more so when one goes from 30 degree temps outside to 40 degree temps inside the office. I can never get warm!

I know you’re all sitting there saying to yourself “oh, shut your stupid complainy hole, you ungrateful tramp! YOU ARE NEVER HAPPY!” (Actually, that was just Slynnro saying that last part.) And I know. I KNOW! I am not complaining. Well, I am just a little. But only because I’m tired. And when I’m tired I’m whiney and annoying. As opposed to when I’m not tired when I’m just annoying.

I am happy to have a job. I am happy that I was able to have a little mini-vacation and still be able to pay my bills. I am happy that there is still severance left and I can pay off some debt. I am happy with my job.

But, I am tired. And out of my routine. And it takes a lot out of me. I don’t remember how I did it before, just a few short months ago. I mean, the last time I was employed and doing this waking up early everyday thing I was going into a job that did not want me. They no longer needed my services and yet made me stay for 60 days. Which seems like an OK deal, but was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through career-wise.

I just needed to share. So now I’m off to bed. Because that dip for our potluck isn’t going to make itself.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Worky Work | 26 Comments »
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