Do They Make Douchebag Stickers?

Posted By on July 13, 2010

It appears that I can talk of nothing more than poop, canine or human. And to get those poop posts further down the page and to bring back the readers I have apparently lost, I figured I should write about something else!

But that is proving harder than I thought. Apparently since I’ve been doing this blogging thing for almost four years, I am now fresh out of ideas. I even looked at the notes in my phone to see if I could get any ideas from there. But all that was listed in my notes was a grocery list for tacos, apparently, and about a dream I had where I ate toes. And they were like chicken.

I’m not sure that is better than poop. I ATE TOES? WTF?

So as I was walking to my car in the parking garage tonight on my way home, a post idea came to me – parking etiquette. And the douchebags who DO NOT FOLLOW THE RULES OF SOCIETY!

We have a seven-story parking garage for our office plaza. It is too much space, as I’m usually on level two or three. There is a certain place I like to park on the ramp down on the second level. It is faster to get out in the evenings and less stairs to climb. Most days when I get to work, there are a few spots left. And these spots? Are all tinier than normal because the jackass who parks on either side of the spot does not know how to park.


For instance, if you drive an SUV, DO NOT PARK IN THE “SMALL CAR ONLY” SPOT. You will not fit. My car barely fits and it is a Nissan Sentra for fuck’s sake.

Most people would pass up these tiny spots and find another. I AM NOT THIS PERSON!

I will squeeeeze my car into those tiny spots. I especially like it when my passenger door creates NO SPACE for you to get into your car. I will get out of my car on the passenger side, if need be. Or I’ll clean your car with my big ass when I get out. ALL TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!

and you can go ahead and ding my door. I DO NOT CARE! My car is 11 years old and has 150,000 miles on it. It needs more battle scars!

A friend of mine at work said she saw a coupon book at Urban Outfitters that had “you park like an asshole” coupons or something. We have decided we are going to buy these coupons. Every day we both come in and are all “Parked next to an asshole today” or “found a coupon recipient this morning” and then we go get our morning coffee. I think it has kind of become a competition.

What are your parking garage pet peeves? And who wants to make me “You Park Like An Asshole” stickers? Because really? It’s about time we start handing these things out.


Don’t forget to head over to my review blog and comment for a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card! And you don’t have to sit through a post about poop to get to the link either! Huzzah!

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


24 Responses to “Do They Make Douchebag Stickers?”

  1. Jenn says:

    You print their form and check off the appropriate a@@hole designation. Very creative.
    Jenn´s last blog post ..Oh- For the Love of Bike

  2. Kathy says:

    I was going to tell you about that website but we also discovered a really funny one in a magazine. that is all about camels and fleas and them going onto the owner of the car.

    This is my blog about it (with a picture of one):

    I also have a page dedicated to bad drivers!:


    Kathy´s last blog post ..The Tea Gardens – Review

  3. Raven says:

    And they make bumper stickers you can put on people’s cars which technically is vandalism I suppose but still…

    This is the sort of thing that drives Willy to the brink. I mean seriously to the brink. He like hulks out over it and shit.
    Raven´s last blog post priority of the morning

  4. Where should I start?

    Oh also, I really CAN make you those. We should talk. 🙂
    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog post ..Shopping for Sparklecorn

  5. Julienne says:

    Ugh. Hate that. I was at a busy mall last Saturday and there was NO parking. I saw a gap in the cars, so headed over and there was a 1992 Jeep Grand Cherokee completely straddling the yellow line and taking up two complete spaces! Ugh, it’s a Jeep buddy, not a Porsche.

  6. Amity says:

    I love the people in the parking garage (or lot) that make everybody behind them wait while they BACK IN to a parking space.

    LOVE the coupon book thing!

  7. Christina says:

    You should print then in hot pink with really strong adhesive that only a gollon of goo be gone can remove so that world knows that that driver is a complete D-bag!
    Christina´s last blog post ..Sucks

  8. mouncie123 says:

    OK First I think you spelled toes wrong so your dream was better if you spelled it Toews.
    Second I had stickers that said I hope you don’t **ck like you park or you’ll never get it in. They came in real handy for a long time….LOL

  9. Angella says:

    I don’t have parking issues, but I love the idea of those coupons. I could use some “WTF?” stickers, too.
    Angella´s last blog post ..Our Excellent Adventures

  10. Scarlet says:

    I think I have more issues with drivers so I’m usually pretty pleased to see cars parked and not moving.
    Scarlet´s last blog post ..The Blood Is Love

  11. Rhi says:

    I park in this one parking garage every week that’s FULL of these people. I’ve seen ‘bad parking’ notes in the past and I always really wish I had a stack of them when I’m in this garage.

  12. I’m with Scarlet, parking douchebags are annoying, but I generally have more trouble with them when they are moving.
    Bri@accidentalcitygirl´s last blog post ..There’s no place like home- Toto

  13. Kerri Anne says:


    What is WRONG with people? If I see one more Suburu Outback/Toyoto truck/Effing SUV parked in a “compact cars only” spot I will lose my shit. Actually, too late. Shit has already been lost.

    And I have so left a “You park like an asshole” note before. Hand-written and everything. Because seriously: THIS MADNESS HAS TO STOP.
    Kerri Anne´s last blog post ..Snapshots Of A Season In Progress

  14. bikerchick says:

    Sorry you are parked next to the clueless; iIt seems to be going around. I live in SUV-land in the ‘burbs, where it’s not big enough unless it’s a livingroom on wheels. I drive a teeny tiny Subaru and they don’t even SEE me from their 12-foot perch. Dings? I thought that was my new paint job! Those little business cards sound too tame for these types, KJ. Try this? Heh.

  15. You don’t know how jealous I am: Sometimes, I would love nothing more than to talk poop on my website (particularly last year when I went through all that lymphocytic colitis crap…pun intended). But alas, a lot of industry peeps and travel editors read my site, so I have to keep cursing to a minimum and things semi-professional. Thus, I’ll live vicariously through your fecal topics. (Now that just sounded ALL wrong.)
    Camels & Chocolate´s last blog post ..Going to the Chapel- The Ceremony

  16. Liza says:

    Check out the seller WryandGinger on Etsy- they make laminated ones such as

    Can I level with you? You park like a douche. For Real.
    Unless this space is reserved for Asshats, perhaps you should park somewhere else
    Did you park this yourself? Or did you get a crazed drunken monkey to do it for you?
    That’s quite a parking job. I assume you did it blind-folded with a rabid monkey clawing at your privates.
    The cute animal illustrations make the cards. I live in NJ and work in NYC so I have had ample opportunity to deploy them.

  17. Kristen says:

    I would love to have some stickers for people who park terribly. I kind of want to keep some postits with me so then I could just make my own note with whatever I want on it, but I never do.
    Kristen´s last blog post ..Kind of a lot has happened

  18. Courtney says:

    I want to hear more about your toe eating???? I can’t stop laughing!

  19. Jenn says:

    Regarding the toe-eating…I dreamt a few nights ago that I was eating cherries and had to complain to the farmer because there were jellyfish among them. Live jellyfish. In my cherries. HUH!? IThe farmer responded to my complaint by pulling a machine gun and shooting up the joint. Can’t make that sh*t up. I like to think these things are signs of our creative genius (Because, really, what’s the alternative?).
    Jenn´s last blog post ..Oh- For the Love of Bike

  20. hilary says:

    When people park in my office’s reserved spots, I get totally nuts. A few weeks ago, I completely lost it when the same car stole my spot several days in a row, after stealing my co-workers spots for weeks… My co-workers, being nicer than me, contacted the building’s maintenance department to report it, and even placed a sign on the vehicle’s windows stating that the car was illegally parked. Nothing stopped the owner. So, the day I went berserk, it was a ninety degree day. I taped 10 of the signs that were previously ignored to the car’s windows. I put three on the driver’s side doors, three on the passenger side’s doors, three on the trunk window, and one on the roof of the car. The car never parked in one of our spots again!
    hilary´s last blog post ..Houseguest hilarity

  21. Amy says:

    I found some stickers like that in the Threadless Shop on Division…they are bright yellow and say in black…I park like an idiot and have a row of cars parked in the lines with one all crooked… I bought these beauties around Memorial Day so I don’t know if they are still available…but good luck. I specifically bought them to slap on a coworker’s massive Yukon XL who takes up two spaces because he can’t pull in correctly. He still has no idea who puts them on his car…

  22. I think you should out who it is and then ride the elevator with them…that’s about the same distance between your cars.
    thecoconutdiaries´s last blog post ..A Rug of A Post

  23. Corey says:

    I must have some of these stickers. The people at my kids’ daycare are total parking morons. I mean, they KNOW they have to get kids in and out of car seats and yet they still park all willy nilly like the lines don’t apply to them! It makes me CRAZY! I’m really lucky my kid hasn’t repeated any of the choice words I spew at such times.

  24. Tim says:

    Ive got some good party ideas from this. Halloween is gonna be a great one! Cheers