Sidelined With The Kristin Johnsons

Posted By on July 12, 2010

Why hello there fair blog readers! It has been awhile, hasn’t it? I wish I could tell you that I was away on some tropical vacation with a hot, sexy man, but alas, that is so far from the truth. It appears that karma decided to bitch-slap me and give me what the dog had.

I have literally spent the last way too many days, in bed, eating toast, drinking water and shitting my brains out.

It all started Tuesday night when I got home. I wasn’t hungry and ended up only having a bowl of cereal for dinner. Then as I was sitting on the couch, I was FREEZING! It was about 95 degrees out and super humid and yet, I was freezing in my house with the A/C on. Even though it is set to the same temperature every single day.

I was tired and figured I should go to bed early. I was fine until I woke up about 4:30 AM and then spent the next two hours on the toilet. I decided not to go to work, obviously, since 1) I didn’t know if I could drive in without having to stop and 2) I don’t like spending that much time in the bathroom at work. Or any public bathroom, for that matter.

Regan has dubbed ass-splosions “The Kristin Johnsons”, hence the title of the post. And her poor son has been afflicted with The Kristin Johnsons this past week too. But he’s lucky because he wears a diaper and doesn’t have to worry about pooping in a gas station bathroom in the middle of nowhere because he can’t make it home.

I will spare you more poop talk and just tell you that it still hasn’t gone away. I went to work on Friday and attempted to eat something more than toast for lunch. I had soup and a turkey sandwich. You would have thought the soup was laced with Ex-Lax from the reaction I had. I made it until about 4:30 in the office (after several incidents of The Kristin Johnsons at work) and decided I needed to go home. Let’s just say, I barely made it home. It was ROUGH.

So much for no more poop talk, huh? Like calling it The Kristin Johnsons makes the fact I’m talking about loose stool any less gross.


Anyway, the worst part about it? I was supposed to go up to Milwaukee this past weekend to visit Ali and her family. But it’s almost a two-hour drive up there. And I knew it was a big risk, so I stayed home. I was so sad. But I have vowed to kick The Kristin Johnsons to the curb this week and go up there next weekend. Because it has been awhile since I’ve celebrated the Sabbath and I miss my second family.

So that’s what’s been going on with me. And why I have been MIA. And why everyone on Twitter wishes I would just stop talking about poop.

I still have a sneaky suspicion the cats were behind it somehow…


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About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


9 Responses to “Sidelined With The Kristin Johnsons”

  1. hilary says:

    I don’t think you could have caught anything from the pup, but isn’t it wild how that works out? My cat has had the “Kristin Johnsons” for weeks. We have shuffled him back and forth to the vet. On Saturday afternoon he was having a very bad day. Coincidentally, my husband and one of my house guests both got the same symptoms. I didn’t know about my friend, but watched my husband laid very pathetic like on our bed, with our cat laying very pathetic like on top of him….I was surrounded by the bad tummies!
    hilary´s last blog post ..Sleep is overrated-

  2. Mahnee says:

    Hope you feel much better today!

  3. alimartell says:

    The Martells miss you. Get your ass back to normal, lady.
    It isn’t shabbat in Milwaukee without you!!
    alimartell´s last blog post ..The Land of the Cheese and the Home of the Kohl’s

  4. gorillabuns says:

    thanks a lot! you give our house the Kristin Johnsons this week as well.

    sadly, i didn’t lose one pound from it. I gained THREE!

  5. Angella says:

    Aw…poor YOU!! I hope today is better because that’s just too much poop for one girl to have to suffer through.
    Angella´s last blog post ..Our Excellent Adventures

  6. slynnro says:

    So I guess the opposite of the Kristin Johnsons is the Slynnros?
    slynnro´s last blog post ..This Should Be Good And By Good- I Mean Bad

  7. Scarlet says:

    I have to be honest….I didn’t read this post.
    Scarlet´s last blog post ..The Blood Is Love

  8. tmc says:

    wow. sometimes i really worry about you.

    take care of yourself, ok?!
    tmc´s last blog post ..Six Word Saturday- Everything is Interesting

  9. I had a major case of the Kristin Johnsons on my honeymoon, WHILE SCUBA DIVING to be specific, and Scott was like, “I SO wish you could blog this…it would be called That Time My Butt Exploded,” only again, can’t blog about poop on my site (le sigh), and also, exactly the impression you want to leave with your new husband after your freakin’ HONEYMOON.
    Camels & Chocolate´s last blog post ..Photo Friday- Freycinet Peninsula- Tasmania