Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 20, 2011

It’s cold here in Chicago now. Today had a wind chill. Now granted, it was some INSANE wind, see?

But regardless, our warm temps from just last week are long gone and it’s only going to get colder. To me, this is one of the worst parts of the year. It’s such a shock to the system and there is nothing you can do about it. No amount of extra clothing, scarves, jackets and socks seem to help. It’s just COLD. But as I pointed out on Twitter this morning, in two months, this weather will seem balmy.

I realized last night that the weather has permanently shifted because of my cats.

See, I let them sleep with me. It’s hard to forbid them to do anything in my house when they have the run of it all day long while I’m at work. They may humor me when I’m home and get off the table/counter/stove when I yell, but they know that once I leave, they can go anywhere they want. Neener, neener, neener.

I don’t mind sleeping with them, for the most part. I have a queen-sized bed and there is room for the three of us. If I even think about closing my bedroom door and locking them out, they just scratch and whine until I let them in. They have realized I have no power over them. They rule the roost. I bet I have the best reputation at the school playground as being the coolest mom ever!

Anyway, in the summer, they don’t sleep very close to me. It’s more of a “well, since you’re sleeping and not going to pet me, I suppose I will sleep too. And I’ll stay in your vicinity so you can not think I’m dead. Meow.”

It’s like this:

Now Simba, he’s just naturally up in your personal space at ALL TIMES. He doesn’t just sit on your lap, he climbs up your chest so that he is lying on you, with his face near yours.

If he just sat like a normal cat, I’d let him on my lap more. That and he likes to lick you, and it’s no wonder why I shove him out of the way so often. And it’s no wonder why he pukes on my carpet.

So no matter the season, he’s sleeping close to me. He also likes to have a paw touching me, which would be cute if it wasn’t so annoying.

But come fall/winter, they realize I keep the heat on low in the house, especially at night, and that the lovely hardwood floors aren’t going to provide them any amount of warmth. I’m it. So my bed then looks like this:

The biggest problem with this is that I am used to my bed and sleeping alone. I sleep right down the middle. I use the whole bed for myself. Because it is my bed. So there are a lot of sprawled out sleeping positions. Positions that get hindered when cats are sleeping, literally, under my nose. Especially when I go to roll over and squash a cat.

I realize this isn’t an issue since they are cats and I pay the rent and I can kick them out. But this requires giving up precious sleep. So I just deal with it.

And pretty much succumb to the realization that if I ever date/marry someone, I’ll just need a king-sized bed. Especially in the winter.

#spinstertweets

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady, Spinsterville Here I Come, Weather dot com | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 19, 2011

I used to live with my brother and his family. Did you all know that? When I moved back to Chicago from California, after getting the boot from the 49ers, I lived with them from March to July. Noah and I became super close, I got to know my SIL so much better and I was the first person to know about little Skyler, who was gestating in my SIL’s belly at the time. (She is now six, people. SIX!)

So from time to time, I still get mail there. Most of it is not important. It’s usually free address labels from charities or credit card offers. Nothing I need. And since it has been SIX YEARS and I’ve lived in two places since then, he usually just throws it all away.

Usually.

So last night I get this text message with a photo from my brother.

“I tore this up and then saw your name. Thought you could use it.”

It was this credit card offer that had a really nice balance transfer offer he thought I might be interested in, since I’m trying hard to get out of debt. Nice, right?

The picture? Looked like this:

(Clearly I replicated it. And wrote “words, words, words” on a piece of paper and tore it up.)

I replied:

“Oh thanks! Is there some link or code you can email to me for the offer? Or, never mind, just hold on to it and I’ll pick it up this weekend when I’m over! Thanks!”

He wrote back:

“It’s in the trash. Look at the picture. The link and number are clearly legible.”

At first I thought he was kidding. Because really? Hahahahaha! It’s a torn up piece of paper and a photo message on my phone! You’re kidding, right? TINY, TINY PRINT!

But he wasn’t.

I wrote back:

“Wow. OK. Thanks.”

Thanks for thinking of me enough to tell me about a piece of mail you tore up that you were already throwing in the trash! What’s next? Telling me about the dirty Kleenex you just snotted in that you will be throwing in trash can?

I bet there is a Hallmark card just for this. Maybe I’ll get it and take a crap in it before I give it to him.

Brothers.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family, Laffs | 7 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 18, 2011

I’m 34 years old now. Usually I’m not aware of this except on a few occasions:

• When I drink my face off and try to then function the next day on little sleep
• When I decide to eat my weight in fried food and then try to fit in my pants
• When I think I can lift any box, regardless of weight

The first two, I can recover from. Eventually I will not be so hungover I feel like death and I can also introduce more non-fried food into my diet. But when I decide I’m superwoman and lift all the heavy things? That doesn’t end so well.

I should know better. Remember the last time I decided to lift and carry a large, heavy box? It took awhile to not have jelly arms and for those bruises to go away. I should have learned my lesson.

But I didn’t. I recently was in charge of a big event at work and it involved a big booth at an Expo Hall, which meant I needed to supply all the things for said event. This required getting boxes and boxes of materials and coordinating the printing and delivery of said materials. I had been working on everything for this event since June.

One of the days leading up to the event, I received a delivery of some printed materials down at our dock. I knew what they were and instead of waiting to have someone deliver them for me, I just did it myself.

There weren’t a lot of boxes, just about 8, and I assumed that since it was just paper, it wouldn’t be that heavy. So I leaned down to move one of the boxes off the skid, the skid that was on the ground, meaning I had to bend my six-foot frame down to the ground to pick it up. It wasn’t until I lifted it a centimeter off the ground, obviously not lifting with my legs, that I realized these boxes were fucking heavy.

But eh, what did I care? I’m young and strong. I would be fine. So I finished loading the boxes onto my cart, took them up to my storage room and then lifted them all again off the cart and onto the counter in the storage room.

About 10 minutes later, I realized my horrible, horrible mistake. I paid for every single thing I lifted. My back was SCREAMING at me. And the worst part? There was nothing I could do. I still had boxes to lift, things to move and unpack to get ready for the Expo. And then once I did that, I had to stand on my feet for two days working the Expo booth. My back was going to be sore at me! (See what I did there?)

I stocked up on Thermacare and SalonPas and Advil at the store. I did pretty well and tried not to overexert myself. That’s what interns are for. I knew once the event was over, everything would get back to normal and I could recover.

That was last week. And it got a lot better.

But now I’ve gone and done something to it again because my back? It is sore in a whole other spot than it has been for the last few weeks. So I’ve apparently healed one part and injured another.

So tell me, smart readers, how can I fix this? I know I need to rest, and I’m trying. But should I try working out more? Maybe doing the elliptical? Anything besides popping 37 Advil a day? ANYTHING?

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Since you guys are the very best and prettiest people in the world, can you do me a huge favor? My friend owns a bar in Pittsburgh and is up for the Burgh’s Best Bar. Can you please click here and vote for REMEDY? Please and thank you! And tell your friends!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Medical Mishaps, Whine & Cheese | 11 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 17, 2011

I have been on Twitter since 2007, apparently. (I had to check my profile.) (Holy crap that’s a long time!) I don’t know what it is about Twitter, but I love it! I love sharing all my thoughts and people listening and replying to them. It’s the best companion for a spinster with cats. Because the cats don’t talk back. But Twitter does!

As I mentioned in my last post, Twitter has been my downfall when it comes to blogging. Because I share so much there, I tend not to share here because then it is old news.

But apparently Twitter is also good because it can get you free pie. FREE. PIE. The two greatest words in the English language.

I should back up. So on Friday night, I met some friends out for dinner and drinks at Lux Bar in Chicago. I got there early because I just came from work and it wasn’t worth it, nor did I have the time, to go all the way home. So I did what I always do – I went to the bar and ordered a drink.

I ordered a Goose Island 312, which is an excellent local brew, which probably isn’t so local anymore since Anheuser-Busch bought them out. I was only about 15 minutes early, so I told the bartender to close my tab. He asked if I knew about the October special. I did not.

Apparently all 312 beers were being sold for $3.12 and all proceeds from sales were going to a charity to support breast cancer research and awareness. For the whole month of October. So naturally, since I was sitting at a bar alone and drinking, I had to tell someone. And that someone was Twitter.

Once we got seated at dinner, I told everyone the special. And made them all order 312. Most of them did at some point in the evening. I personally contributed a lot to breast cancer research that night, let me tell you.

Just after we ordered, I was approached by some dude in a suit. He asked if I was Kristin. I said yes and was convinced that I was going to get kicked out. I mean, I didn’t think I had been to Lux Bar before, but maybe I had and I was no longer welcome there. No one is perfect, you know.

But no, this guy was the GM and he wanted to know if I tweeted about their 312 special. I said that yes, indeed, I did. It’s a great thing they are doing. He gave me his card, told me to call if I ever needed reservations, and thanked me for spreading the word. They had done it last year and raised over $15,000 for breast cancer awareness. That’s a lot of thirsty people and a lot of money out of their pocket. It is really a great thing they are doing! And hey! I really won’t object to getting drunk for charity.

Then he told me he ordered some desserts for me and my guests to enjoy and to thank me. And hey, I’m also never going to turn down free dessert.

Obviously this caused quite the conversation at the table. As most of the people weren’t even on Twitter and didn’t get it, they were all amped to join once they thought they could get free food out of it! And then they expected free drinks at the next bar we went to, which didn’t happen even though they sponsored my dodge ball team.

But my thing is, how did he find me in a crowded restaurant? I mean, this is me right now:

This is my Twitter photo:

This is my foursquare photo:

And this is my Facebook photo:

That’s some pretty good detective work.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Chi-town, Gotta Have Friends, Hooch Hilarity, Twitter | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 13, 2011

You guys, I really want to post more. I feel so much more productive and everything when I post. Posting means my hands are doing something besides shoving food into my face-hole.

I just have literally run out of ideas. I am not longer able to come up with ideas for posts.

Next month is November. And it’s that whole NaBloPoMo, which is National Blog Posting Month. I’m going to force myself to do it. Because I miss writing. And I think all the TV I watch and booze I drink INSTEAD of writing is killing off the small number of brain cells I currently have left. I’m one Real Housewives episode away from drooling.

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I’m still writing over at Food Lush and Draft Day Suit. In fact, this week on Food Lush I talked about grilling my cats not once, but twice! I’m sure I’m the only one who found it hilarious. I hope no one reports me to the authorities.

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My niece Skyler turned six on Wednesday. SIX! I cannot believe it! She’s in Kindergarten and loving it and is such a big girl! She asked for a password-protected diary for her birthday (and of course I got it). I mean, what on earth do you have to divulge when you’re six???

All I know is it will drive her brother Noah NUTS knowing he can’t get in it. He will find a way, I’m sure.

Oh, siblings.

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Speaking of siblings, Noah and Skyler now act like normal brothers and sisters, in that they bicker and fight and generally don’t always love the other one. Typical stuff.

It drives my brother CRAZY to see his son pick on his sister. It’s effing hilarious because my brother was the same damn way. He still is! If he can find a way to pick on me, he will! He’s 37 years old!

I just love pointing this out to him as well.

I hope Skyler and Noah will be as close as my brother and I are, though, when they are older.

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Since Skyler is six, it means my blog is about to turn five. Five years old! I’m afraid to go back and read any of the earlier stuff because I’m sure it was just crap. I shouldn’t have wasted all the good material back then.

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Twitter has ruined me. I can’t even write one whole post about one topic. It gets too boring after a few sentences. I have gotten way too used to sharing everything in my life in 140 characters or less. I actually hate it when I go over the limit and have to change an “and” to a “&” or use one less exclamation point.

This is actually very surprising because I’m really a wordy motherfucker. I am unable to stop talking, ever, in person. Even more surprising is I’m a pretty good listener. It’s the remembering part of listening that I have more trouble with. See note above re: reality TV and booze.

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And here is where I write something witty and smart to end this post on a good note.

Whoops. Too late.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family, All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 6 Comments »
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