Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on November 12, 2011

I am drunk people. I’m over at my stepmom’s house tonight for a big reunion. All the sisters were here tonight. And that never happens because one lives in the city (not with me anymore, thank Jesus), one lives in Milwaukee and one lives in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. No, for reals. I don’t even know where she goes to school. It’s pretty much Iowa.

SO. I’m writing this post on my stepmom’s laptop because I am a NaBloPoMo purist and need to blog before midnight.

And now…I’m going to turn it over to my sister Taylor.

:::::

This is now Taylor. Kristin is a hoot. She is one hilarious lady, and anyone who says otherwise has clearly tried to make a joke. However, upon the making of this joke, this joke-maker will realize that no one is, in fact, laughing. They are probably wondering why this person has tried to tell a lie and may offer condolence laughter much in the way that one does to a comedic act that is respected, yet not funny. Otherwise known as Carrot Top. Carrot Top has clearly relied purely on name for the deliverance of his “jokes”. No one can take Carrot Top seriously with a name like that. His jokes are not funny. The only reason he has gained fame or familiarity is through supposed hilarity, which has been promoted through the media. This is just another example of how we have let the media shape our minds and our wallets. Carrot Top is like the ugly, fat, unfunny guy that somehow has happened to be in the “cool” clique. He is only there because people have vouched for him. No one actually likes him. He kindof smells and if you brought your grandpa to a party, your grandpa would be able to pick up chicks way better than this guy. Reputation is what keeps this guy in business. Reputation is what keeps the liars of the world in business. Reputation, and a supposed one at best, is what keeps unfunny, untalented, and uninteresting people in your pockets stealing your money and your dignity.

Taylor B. Johnson.

:::::

That is way more deep than we ever get on this site. But awesome. My sister is super talented and a genius and majoring in Philosophy. So be nice.

Category: All Things Blogging, NaBloPoMo | 2 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on November 11, 2011

I ended up calling the doctor and talking to the pharmacist about my impending antibiotics dose. My doctor said that while C Diff does indeed suck, a mouth infection is also not good. So she suggested that I take probiotics. The pharmacist was not much help at all and wasn’t exactly sure what C Diff was and then was all “oh, you don’t usually get that more than once.” Which is the opposite of everything else I’ve read about it.

So I chose to believe her! Of course I did!

I started probiotics a few days ago. And I started the antibiotics this morning. I’m hoping it all works out and there are no poop-splosions in my near future. But, on a good note, I know what the symptoms are, in case I do have a repeat occurrence, and then I will stop taking the medicine. As opposed to the last time, when I just kept taking medicine that was making my ass feel like it was on fire.

Ahem.

Anyway, I bring this up because today I started two medicines in advance of the oral surgery. I picked them up at the drug store near my office this morning because when I went to pick them up yesterday, I realized I left my wallet at home. Good thing I bring my lunch!

The two things were not in a small white paper bag like normal prescriptions. They were in a LARGE brown paper bag. I’m pretty sure everyone that saw me leaving CVS this morning thought I was carrying an enema in the bag. Or 20 pregnancy tests.

But no! It was just a large bottle of pills and a GINORMOUS bottle of anti-bacterial mouthwash.

I started both these medicines this morning. The antibiotic is straight forward. The only thing that worried me was a) the chance of the poop issues, of course, and b) that it specifically says that if heartburn is one of the side effects, to contact your doctor immediately. Like it’s considered a SERIOUS side effect, where poop-splosions are just regular, run-of-the-mill side effects.

Well. Hmmm. That’s not good. Because I GET HEARTBURN EVERY DAY.

How do you know the difference? AM I GOING TO DIE?

The mouth rinse is also stupid. I have to do it twice a day, preferably once in the morning and once before bed. The problem with this is that I cannot eat or drink for two hours once I rinse. That’s fine at night when I’m drooling on my pillow. Not so fine in the morning when I’m hungry and thirsty and ITCHING for the caffeine from my coffee to be racing through my veins.

Oh! And it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth! So even water tastes gross! And food! So! At least it should work wonders on my too-tight pants!

As long as it doesn’t lead to the Kristin Johnsons, I’m calling it a huge victory.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Dental DAMN, Medical Mishaps, NaBloPoMo, Rants & Rants | 5 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on November 10, 2011

I started working out again. So I get home late. And eat dinner late. And I’m tired. And I have nothing to say that doesn’t involve zzzzzz’s that I would be catching while I would be sleeping.

I also have things to say about the Penn State thing. Things about the culture of sports, especially football. But I’m afraid of writing about it for fear of looking like an asshole. Because as horrible and disgusting as this all is, I’m not really surprised. But I want to give myself time to logically write a post about that because I have lots of thoughts.

So instead, I’ll show you photos of how I spent part of my day. Hanging out with the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull, as he handed out free rides on the train. AND! I even got to meet Benny outside his costume, even if he didn’t blow his own cover and talked about himself in the third person.

Happy Friday!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Chi-town, Land of Random, NaBloPoMo, Sports | 6 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on November 9, 2011

Because there was no toilet in the Brady Bunch bathroom shared by six people.

This morning as I was heading into take one of my many bathroom breaks, one of many because I’m starting to take my diet and weight loss seriously again which means I drink gallons of water a day and have to pee all the damn time, I encountered something gross.

Now I know it is the bathroom and ultimately all things in the bathroom are gross. But this was one of the grossest. Especially once my stupid mind started to wander and think of what caused it.

So I go to enter the stall (we have about 6 in our bathroom on our floor) and as I go to lock the stall door, my hand is wet. And I notice liquid dripping, DRIPPING, off the door handle.

DRIPPING.

I already had my pants half-down my legs and was preparing to go pee before my brain processed this and made an audible “ewwwww” in what I hope was an empty bathroom.

DRIPPING.

There is no NON-DISGUSTING explanation for this. Your hands had to either be wet when you locked the door pre-potty, or were wet when you unlocked it, post-potty. And in both cases, EWWWWWWW.

I’m never using that stall again. Good thing I’m moving to a different floor next week.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, NaBloPoMo | 9 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on November 8, 2011

It is no secret to anyone who has ever met me that I have a giant crush on Rahm Emanuel. This stems back to when I first moved to the City of Chicago in 2005 and learned he was my U.S. Congressman.

I re-elected him and then he left me. For 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to work with the President. I couldn’t fault him, only because he called me personally to say that he was leaving and he was glad I voted for him and he was sorry to let me down. Or something like that.

(I still have that message saved on my answering machine. Because clearly, he only called ME.)

Then my fake boyfriend decided to run for Mayor of Chicago! And then he won! And now he’s been on the job for like 6 months. He’s doing a fine job, if I say so myself. (Don’t tell me differently.)

As I mentioned, it is no secret how much I love my fake boyfriend. I even wrote about the time I was in the same room as him, with 3,000 other people.

The funny thing is that I find myself defending him, like he pays me to do it. Which he does not. Not that I would turn that opportunity down.

Chicago is by no means perfect and he has a lot of work to do with a very archaic system in place. The old mayor was here for 27 years. Change isn’t easy to come by after that many years.

But if I’m in a conversation and someone starts saying something about him, I get all amped up to defend him, like someone insulted my nephew. Even my friend Melissa commented the other day that it is OK to disagree with something he does. He’s not perfect. He will make mistakes.

I won’t admit to them. It’s blasphemous! Plus, you have to be careful. He’s always watching.

DOESN’T THAT PHOTO MAKE YOU SWOON??

*Term coined by my friend Julie because of all my Rahmy love.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Chi-town, My Boyfriend Rahm, NaBloPoMo, Politics | 5 Comments »
Tags: