Maybe I’m OK With Being Single

Posted By on December 3, 2008

So remember back a few weeks ago when I mentioned that I had started online dating again? Well, I have. I joined Chemistry.com and I’m currently in the same place I was a few weeks ago – dateless. Except now I have less money in the bank.

Before you start commenting that I have to give it time and be active, yada, yada, yada, just calm down. I AM giving it time. I am being active. I’m staying positive. Even when there are few people to be positive about. But I’m letting Chemistry work their magic and match me with me Mr. Right. Or Mr. Right Now. I’m not picky. (That’s a lie. I am picky. Nothing wrong with being picky, says the 30-something singleton with two cats.)

But I have had some um, let’s say interesting matches. We may have similar personalities and match up, but I can’t get past these weirdos to even explore it. (Go ahead and call me shallow. It won’t hurt.)

First up was the dude who was cute and nice and the right age. But then when I got to his profile he revealed he lived with his parents. At first I thought maybe I could get past that. But then I realized that really, if you’re 31 and living at home without extenuating circumstances, then it is time to grow up and move out. The way he put it was all “I still live at home, so if this is an issue, good luck with your search YOU SHALLOW, HEARTLESS TROLL!” My thought was if you’re going to mention it in the profile (which, good on you for being honest) and you are living at home for a good reason (like you’re taking care of your sick parent, etc.) then you would probably also mention that., no? So I judged (possibly wrongly so) that he was just lazy and didn’t want to pay rent and a mama’s boy.

Judgey McJudgerson, party of one.

NEXT!

So then there is Zak. Zak claims to be a former actor and model. ZAK ALSO LIKES TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS. I imagine he’s quite SHOUTY in person. Also, he freaked me out. Freaky whitish-blonde hair ahead!

Zak is also sucking in his stomach in that photo. I CANNOT GET PAST THE WHITE HAIR AND EYEBROWS! Or that he calls himself ICEMAN.

NEXT!

And then there is my most favorite of all. His name is Michael. He actually seemed like a good fit. We seemed to have the same interests and he was decent looking. Just to make sure he wasn’t posting photos from years ago, I made sure to scroll through all the photos he had put up in his profile. And then I hit the jackpot!

Oh yes, that right there is a photo of HIS HAIRY STOMACH. Please, someone tell me why. I laughed so hard when I saw this. It’s not a bad stomach, but it isn’t Michael Phelps’ stomach. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Michael, this doesn’t make me want to date you. This makes me want to point and laugh at you.

Michael and His Stomach actually top the guy who I was matched with on eHarmony years ago whose profile photo was him eating ribs, complete with plastic bib and BBQ sauce all over his face.

I think these relationship matching sites are trying to tell me something. I think that something is CUT YOUR LOSSES! GET OUT NOW!

But until my subscription runs out, I will continue to be amused by these “matches” Chemistry.com. Thanks for the laughs.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.

Comments

48 Responses to “Maybe I’m OK With Being Single”

  1. Zak looks like he could be your grandfather. Then again, you both have a penchant for USING CAPS (AS DO I), so maybe it would work out after all 😉

    Do you think if you and Michael ended up getting along, he’d wax his chest hair for you? Maybe on your first date, you should watch 40-Year-Old Virgin (subtlety is key).

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..On the First Day of Christmas…

  2. HouseofJules says:

    I’m going to send this post to my mom because it explains in profile pix so much better than I can in words, why I am not on any dating site. You are braver than I am, KJ. I seriously, seriously don’t get the hairy stomach photo. I mean, I don’t really care that he has hair on his stomach b/c he’s a dude…but why would he take that photo AND THEN OFFER IT UP FOR THE WORLD TO SEE?
    Jules
    House of Jules

    HouseofJuless last blog post..MAHBOOB, MAHDRANK, MAHBABY and now… MAHMOVIE

  3. Alison says:

    Your blog was recommended to me by Google Reader. So yay! for that. I just have to say, however, and please forgive me for it, that I met my husband quite randomly online. We were both members of a website, and we became friends, and yes, we fell in love.

    I guess my point is that you can find love online without being a member of a dating site. (Please don’t hit me.) I’m not trying to give you advice, I’m just saying that there’s more out there than Chemistry.com et al.

  4. Dingo says:

    Maybe Michael wants to date someone who can recommend a great place to get a wax?

  5. Raven says:

    Maybe the stomach picture is to hook a certain type of girl? If you get the urge to pet him after looking at that picture, he’s GOLDEN!

    What the hell, ICEMAN?? You are no Val Kilmer, my friend.

    Ravens last blog post..more on Christmas decorating

  6. jodifur says:

    I’m so glad I got married before internet dating started. Because I could so not take that seriously.

    jodifurs last blog post..Why Kind of Community Are We If We Stop Acting Like One?

  7. Ok, seriously, I could borderline get over the living-with-his-parents thing (or at least give him a chance to explain), but what gets me is that he seems super insecure/bitter about it. THAT’S the part that sends me running for the hills. Grow up, dude!

    Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoats last blog post..Mini Vlog: Love is a ’94 Corolla

  8. Oh, Zak. So many issues there.

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  9. ali says:

    why do these people insist on telling you these things up front? shouldn’t Michael have eased into the whole i’m-really-hairy thing? isn’t that a better dating tactic?

    alis last blog post..broken limbs and apple-themed decor

  10. Issy says:

    “…whose profile photo was him eating ribs, complete with plastic bib and BBQ sauce all over his face.”

    You say that like it’s a bad thing…

  11. LOL OMG you must post more of these scary men you find on there! Zak is one step away from being an albino. I just want to stick my finger in Michael’s belly button. That is not a washboard stomach by any means, the only moderately appropriate reason to take that shot.

    The only surefire way to meet someone is to start playing kickball. I’m serious. I met the bf that way! I know sooooo many couples that have met through kickball. There are tons of kickball weddings and kickball babies. I’m not lying.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..A Murder of One

  12. Rhi says:

    OMG, first of all, I doubt his name is really spelled Zak. Actually, his name is probably actually George or Harold. And, he is SO TOTALLY sucking in.

    Rhis last blog post..True Baby Shower Confessions

  13. Janice says:

    May I refer you to my blog on my first experience rejoining match in which the dork- I mean guy- insulted my age.
    http://gopuddlejumping.blogspot.com/2008/04/can-i-get-my-senior-citizen-discount.html
    I have also been on eHarmony which produced the most dates but the least success. However, my current bf is someone I met on my second round on match. I do think the sites provide hours of laughter and disbelief but every now and then…

    Janices last blog post..More snuffy

  14. Lordy. Um, you have some hott prospects, there. Please just email the stomach guy and tell him to STOP. JUST STOP.

  15. whoorl says:

    Zak. Whoah. Is 7:45am too early to start drinking?

  16. Hahahaha! Please keep your membership, if only for fabulous blog fodder.

    Amanda Nicoles last blog post..crafting to save the children

  17. Matt says:

    I actually had a website with some friends a few years ago called “Online Dating Morons”, which was a compendium of, well, morons from online dating.

    It was inspired by this forum thread:

    http://www.yehoodi.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=67520

    So many stories. So much snark.

    Matts last blog post..hot redheads

  18. Is it just me or is ZAK wearing pajamas? He scares me.

    sensibly sassys last blog post..Did, Didn’t, Kinda Part One

  19. Nic says:

    This is why I wonder about people who actually meet their significant other through internet dating. Just what did their profile look like?

    Nics last blog post..Santa Claus is coming to town

  20. Noelle says:

    I love the living at home guy. He does all the judging of himself and saves you the work!

    Noelles last blog post..Revenge!

  21. Oh my god, is Zak (excuse me, Iceman) also WEARING HIS PAJAMAS?

  22. regan says:

    Please, please, please arrange a date with Zak. I will fly to Chicago and follow you around on the date with a small hidden camera, all stealth like. Please.

    regans last blog post..overly excited by the little things

  23. Amber says:

    I am most troubled by The Guy Who Still Lives With Parents and is Really, Really Defensive About It. Although a date with the ICEMAN! would surely make for a hilarious post!

    Ambers last blog post..It’s like raaaaiiiin, on your wedding day…

  24. Melissa says:

    Wow, slim pickin’, huh? Makes me glad all over that I’ve been married for this long.

    Good luck! If it’s any consolation my sil is going through the same thing right now. 🙂

    Melissas last blog post..Just A Little Extra Protein, Honey….

  25. Giggle Pixie says:

    Zak is frightening. I mean seriously! And I can’t for the life of me imagine what was going through Michael’s mind when he decided to take that pic of his stomach. What could possibly have made him think that was going to attract women?

    “Um…yeah, so, I’m single and I’d like to find a guy with a stomach. Preferably a hairy one, with an inney. That’d be, like, great.”

    Giggle Pixies last blog post..For the Love of Random

  26. Carla says:

    I think I used to have pajamas just like the ones Zak is wearing. Very funny post. Great blogging material indeed.

    Carlas last blog post..Weigh In Day

  27. Zak looks like he wants to marry you to get his green card. And the only rationale for Mike and His Stomach is maybe he lost all kinds of weight and thinks chicks will dig him now. Only problem is he will count calories at dinner and cry when you can have dessert and he can’t.

    thecoconutdiariess last blog post..The Thanksgiving Story: 24 Hours

  28. I THINK ZAK IS WEARING PAJAMAS ON HIS DECK.

    The hairy stomach is a complete turnoff. Shave before flaunting 3 pack abs.

    Mom on the Runs last blog post..Mom on the Run Chronicles

  29. Darcey says:

    Glad I wasn’t the only one that thought ZAK was wearing his PJs. Seriously, dude, find something else to wear.

    And hairy stomach guy? Well, at least he’s not showing off a giant beer belly with the hair…

  30. Candy says:

    As annoying as my husband is, it’s times like this I am grateful not to be dating anymore.

    I had a friend who did on line dating, and has found her man. Oddly, though, it turns out he works with my husband. So we could probably have matched them up without all the expense, but hey, at least they’re happy.

    Candys last blog post..In Which I Drone On and On (Previously Titled “In Which I Wax Poetic,” until I wrote it and read it and thought blech.)

  31. jcristg says:

    I love the fact that you’ve seen Michael elsewhere in the online dating world.

    jcristgs last blog post..catching up

  32. Lys says:

    Don’t feel bad. At Thanksgiving this year, my mother disclosed that when people ask why I am not married yet, she calls me her “career gal”. I thought that is the “modern” way of calling me a spinster who lives with her cat.

    I do have to say, at least in Chicago there appears to be dating prospects. In Orlando – they are either “modelizers”, married/taken, very “Disney” or “on the d/l”. Hence why I am enjoying the idea of moving to Philly.

    Lyss last blog post..Cash Back: A Refresher Course For The Holidays..

  33. Dude! You made me laugh out loud at work again. Last time I tried online dating a guy told me he collected Tiggers. Like from Winnie the Pooh. I was all “oh?” Then he proceeded to tell me he had 1600 of them. 1600 Tiggers?!?!?! I very quickly said “ok, bye now!”

    Serendipitous Girls last blog post..Road Trip!

  34. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! Makes me glad I haven’t dated anyone new in 20 years.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Elegant Fashion: Showing off FAB accessories

  35. Scarlet says:

    Wow. People really need to get their friends to check their profiles before they post them.

  36. Ree says:

    Oh fuck no. Please. Come see me. We’ll go to Ann Arbor and check out the places the grad students and the medical residents hang out.

    Rees last blog post..Conversation #2,387,273

  37. Scary. Just – – SCARY. Especially Zak’s pajamas.

    I’m SOOOO glad I’ve been married for over 20 years!

    Liz J in Central Illinoiss last blog post..I. HATE. SNOW.

  38. Alice says:

    OH SISTER I HEAR YOU. i had one guy from match email me the other day because omg he loves alice in wonderland so much!!! so he just wanted to say hi!!! and when i clicked over to his profile, he mentioned his love of alice in wonderland in, like, EVERY SECTION. job, activities, hobbies, “about me” … all had some mention of alice in wonderland or lewis carrol. CREEPY.

    Alices last blog post..no grammar = no date

  39. slynnro says:

    I think I’m going to start online dating for shits and giggles.

    slynnros last blog post..Elsewhere This Week.

  40. Angella says:

    I’m with Slynnro. Better yet, I will live vicariously through you.

    If you go on a date with any of the above, WE NEED TO TALK.

    Look at me, getting all shouty.

    Angellas last blog post..Bodies In Motivation

  41. Kristie says:

    Man, I need to write about my online dating expierences and soon! You’d love the one where the guy showed up in a wheel chair because he was quadraplegic (sp) and didn’t tell me.

    Kristies last blog post..These go to eleven*

  42. Cathy says:

    I’m going to defend that guy who still lives at home.

    Maybe he doesn’t want to spend money on rent and is saving his HUGE paychecks to make a HUGE down payment on a house? Or to pay for a kick ass honeymoon? Or to buy a HUGE ass ring for you?

    You never know. =)

    Cathys last blog post..Can We Start This Month Over?

  43. Kim says:

    Good for you!!! You made me laugh out loud! Everything happens for a reason! Go with your heart!!! Love ya, Kim Oh yeah-let me know when Julie has her baby!!!

  44. Vanessa says:

    Zak looks like a little freakzoid and Michael is a lost cause if he is posting pictures of his stomach. And it’s NOT a nice stomach, it’s just not. It’s gross! What is wrong with people? It’s like these men have no common sense. Hmmm, now in a restaurant I try not to make a mess of myself as I eat ribs……oh, I know! Post that as my dating profile picture! Dumbass.

  45. Izzy says:

    It’s not a bad stomach, but it isn’t Michael Phelps’ stomach.

    If you don’t have something in the ballpark of Michael Phelps’ stomach, or hell, something in the same county, you probably shouldn’t be posting a picture of it on a DATING site. I’m just sayin…

  46. girlplease says:

    OMG! I am so glad I tuned in for this. Zak is a classic. Never, ever, ever go for men beyong 28 who say “I live with my parents”. TRUST ME.

    And the stomach. He is so not showing off his stomach.

    Missed reading.

  47. DM says:

    Um, I actually thought the stomach was kind of hot. But then I have been single for well over 10 years so I am deprived apparently.

    But Zak? No, no, no. I get the occasional all caps for emphasis but not all the time. I want to hurt those people.

    DMs last blog post..Perhaps I might need more sleep

  48. Stacey says:

    Hairy stomachs don’t bother me. Writing in all caps does.

    Clearly the mind is more important to me than the body.

    Staceys last blog post..It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Smallpox