Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 4, 2008

Do you remember like 100 years ago when I asked you for questions for Bacon? And that he would reply to them all in a timely matter? Well, clearly I was lying. But fear not! The rest of the answers are here NOW! And I’m sure there’s one about the election or something because it HAS BEEN THAT LONG.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

Can you please help a girl out with the robocalls? You see, I work all day at a lousy stinkin’ job and come home all optimistic that the evening will be more fun. Imagine my delight when my answering machine cheerily greets me with 17! new! messages! SQUEE, right? Only they are all automatons beseeching me to vote for their person on November 4th. If I leave an outbound message that says I’ve already voted early, do you think the robocalls will understand this?

Timeliness my forte,

Bikerchick Barb

Dear Barb,

SEE! I TOLD YOU WOMAN TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FASTER! (pause, while Kristabella smacks Bacon and his sassy mouth for talking back) Well, Barb, Bacon knows how you feel. You see, because Bacon sits at home, all alone, everyday on the corner of the coffee table. And the phone just rings all the time. And no one ever leaves a message. But Bacon has to hear Kristabella’s greeting 11,000 times a day. But for your question, Bacon says “Boycott Tofu.” No real reason. He just has no response to this question because it doesn’t matter anymore. And tofu is gross.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Bacon,

Can a person like me just up and assume another name, like so many celebrities have recently, without looking like a total douchebag (unlike so many celebrities recently)? I’m not asking for a P. Diddy/ Puffy/ Puff Daddy carousel of stupid, just the occasional right to change my name to some other normal name.

Anonymously yours,

Legally Blonde Mel

Oh Mel,

Bacon is wondering if you want to change your name because you are the Mel behind Mel’s Diner in California and you can’t leave your house with people not asking you to make them a grilled cheese or a turkey club sammich. Because Bacon has been to your fine establishment and he thinks your food is fabulous.

Anyway, Bacon can understand. He himself has run-ins with the papps and sometimes he wishes he wasn’t a paper folder with a Bacon spinner. Sometimes he wishes he could be just a plain old manila folder and not have so many adoring fans. Bacon would love to walk down the street and go unnoticed. But, Bacon lives in the real world. So Mel, Bacon says to “Hang Out With Hash Browns” and continue to be Mel and make a mean Denver omelette that is a perfect hangover food.

Let Bacon know if you want an autographed photo for your diner, Mel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Bacon,

As soon as I saw that you love using the word conundrum, I knew you would be just the one to help me with my very own (conundrum). You see, I’ve been a Starbucks whore for many, many years now. Unfortunately, since we seem to have fallen on some hard times here at chez Evil, I can no longer afford my elixir of choice on a daily basis. I have given this matter considerable thought and the only solution I can come up with is pimping out my husband for spare change. Although he’s in decent physical condition, he is 52 years old and can’t run very fast. What do you think would be the going rate for such a commodity?

Caffinatedly yours,

Evil Genius

Dear Evil Genius,

This is a good question. It is very apropos since we here in the United States are in a recession. We are all going to have to be cutting back on frivolous things like coffee and milk and cat food. But Bacon would like to mention that Dunkin Donuts coffee is one million times better than Starbucks coffee. And Dunkin Donuts coffee is available at your local grocery stores. Or so I’ve heard, since I don’t do much shopping. And no, Bacon is not being paid for that endorsement. But he does say “Hey Dunkin, call me! There is no better spokesperson for Dunkin coffee. What goes better with coffee than Bacon?”

Oh, but this wasn’t just another answer shamelessly self-promoting myself. Evil, Bacon thinks you should “Tempt A Vegan.” Because maybe you could shake one of them down and get the loose change out of their pockets. That should solve the money problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

Do you think this terrifying thing is real? Also, do you think it might come to eat me in my sleep?

Frightened in the ATL,

Darcey

Dear Darcey,

Bacon is not here to answer your question. He is hiding under the couch until he hears that there are indeed no bird-eating spiders or that this is all a bad dream.

Kristabella

P.S. But I’m sure Bacon would say “Spit Hot Grease” because that is the ONLY THING THAT WILL KILL THAT SPIDER! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Reverend Bacon,

It seems that there are several people from high school, that I barely remember and haven’t talked to in 18 years, who have befriended me on Facebook, but spell my name wrong when writing through Facebook. This confuses me as my name is correctly spelled, in full, on my profile. Also, it has never changed. Is there a polite way to say “Hey dumbass, you spelled my name wrong”? Should I dumb down my name for them?

Basking in your most greasiness,

JRM

Bacon can totally understand this. Because on Bacon himself, the folder, there is a spot on his folder marked “Beckon”, which is clearly not how you spell BACON. Bacon doesn’t really understand how people can be so stupid. So Bacon thinks you should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for putting those motherfuckers on BLAST. Because Bacon apparently still thinks it is 1995 and he’s on TRL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

How do I get the crazy spammers to stop sending me “exclusive” offers for jobs at Wal-Mart and P3Ni5 enlargement. How did I get on this list from hell? Is it because I moved back to the South? Please save me!

Spammed-A-Lot,

Celia

Dear Spammed On,

All Bacon knows about SPAM is that it tries to be as tasty as Bacon and win the hearts of people all over the world, but SPAM fails miserably. And now it looks like SPAM is trying get you to love him through emails. UNWANTED emails. Bacon wants to tell SPAM that this is no way to make you the most desired meat product. So Celia, Bacon thinks you should “Liven Up A Salad” because that was like the only choice left on the folder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And FINALLY, Bacon wants to wish a VERY! HAPPY! BIRTHDAY! to Kristabella’s mom. You can see that Bacon is clearly the only person Kristabella mistreats because she loves her mom, as evidenced by this lovely post she wrote for her last year. Happy Birthday! Bacon and Kristabella love you very much!

So everyone wish a Happy Birthday to Mahnee!

Categories: Bacon
Tags: