Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 10, 2008

I’m on a business trip for part of this week in Pittsburgh, which means I’m staying in a hotel. It is a very nice room. But I am a little confused about one thing.

This is the bathroom.

Do you notice something odd? Like possibly how you have to be Stretch Armstrong to be able to wipe your ass with something other than your hand or the shower curtain?

See?

Apparently this hotel is not kid-friendly and also hate midgets and people with short arms.

Either that or the housekeeping staff has to clean up some very interesting messes. Great way to save on toilet paper costs, since no one is using it because they CAN’T REACH IT!

Do you think some engineer did some extensive research about how far you could put the toilet paper away from the actual toilet where it was still close enough for a majority of people to reach while stretching and pulling only half their cheeks off the seat? Was the quotient some sort of Distance Before Drippage? Someone please explain this to me!

Category: Land of Random | 29 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 8, 2008

On Sunday afternoon, I went over to my grandma’s house because my brother and his family were coming over for a visit. So it meant I could see my niece and nephew without having to drive 60 miles. And since I was out until 3 AM on Saturday night, the less driving I had to do, the better.

It was good to see everyone and play with Noah and Skyler. I decided to bring over a treat for the kids. See a few months back, Melissa sent me an awesome care package full of all things Bacon. There were Bacon air fresheners, Bacon floss, Bacon toothpicks and the creme de la creme, Bacon CANDY!

Thankfully, it isn’t supposed to taste like bacon. See, it has a STRAWBERRY FLAVOR! It looks so real!

After Melissa sent it, she told me I had to try it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It would be one thing if you didn’t have to look at it and know it looked like raw Bacon. So I figured “hey, kids love candy! They’ll eat it! They eat anything that isn’t good for them.”

And they tried it. Without any coaxing. Because they somehow KNEW it was candy without us telling them. They have some sort of weird candy sixth sense. Of course we encouraged them. “They are just like gummy treats!” we told them.

I made them each pose with their Gummy Bacon. Noah dug right in. Figuring that Auntie would not make him eat something disgusting.

Skyler tried it. Her verdict? “This is GROSS.”

I tried it too, just to say that I did. It was disgusting. I gagged a little. I think it was more of the visual. But it wasn’t very gummy, it was kind of hard to chew. The strawberry flavor was real weak, so it was like you were chewing on wax. That looked like raw bacon. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it.

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If you want some of your own Bacon for the holidays, something better than Gummy Bacon, don’t forget to buy all your loved ones a What Would Bacon Do shirt! They come in two styles.

Clean:

Dirty:

Order yours today. We have a variety of items to choose from, ranging from mousepads to infant and toddler gifts, to men’s and women’s apparel. And this Bacon is Kosher!

Won’t you make someone’s holiday Bacerriffic by giving them what we all deserve, BACON GIFTS!

Category: Bacon | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 5, 2008

I noticed today that I have this tendency when I start at new jobs to mention, as many times as I can, that I did actually have previous employment. I did not just come to this job off the street and pretend I know what I’m doing. I am employable! I swear!

I do this with the simple phrase “at my old job.”

I know that I do it because it is my way of telling people “oh, yeah, I totally know what I’m doing. We did that at my old job.” It is my way of letting people know that I really am competent. That I was hired for a reason. And that I’m willing to put my nose to the grindstone and hit the ground running and all kinds of other cliches.

I’m guessing the only time I never did this was my first job, which was when I worked with my dad and didn’t know a damn thing about working in an office. But I’d imagine since I was an angsty teen, most of the words that came out were whiny and made people stabby.

When I started at the Niners, I don’t think I did it a lot. My job prior to the 49ers was working in the Arizona State Sports Information department. So while still sports media relations, college and the NFL were a little different. The best difference was clips were printed out on the computer, NOT pasted to gold pieces of paper. I would venture to guess those student interns at ASU are still cutting clips and pasting them to the same gold paper. Over 10 years later.

But I was young! And fresh! And impressionable! Also, if something wasn’t done how I was used to doing it, at the Niners I just CHANGED the way we did it. Oh to be 22 and have your first job again and not know about office politics.

When I left the Niners, things were a lot different. So many people assumed because you worked in sports, you couldn’t work in the corporate atmosphere. Like working in the NFL is just naked men and sexual harassment and free shoes galore! Well, it is like that but we did do actual WORK. The same kind of work that people in PR agencies and corporate offices do. Just different clients.

For six years in the NFL I had to prove that I was more than a woman, that I was a capable PR person, that I wasn’t there to sleep with players. Every new coach that came in was another time I had to prove myself. I proved myself with my work and with my not sleeping with players. It got old, let me tell you. Before I left, the 49ers had hired Mike Nolan. And there we were, his first day on the job, and every time he needed something, he looked around me and asked for a guy. Looked me right in the eye, as a Public Relations MANAGER, and asked me to get someone lower than me to do something for him because that person was a male. After six years of that, I had ENOUGH. And also, I’ll always think Mike Nolan is a ginormous douchebag because of this. I was so happy when he was shit-canned.

(This was so not the direction I had planned for this post, FYI. Yay for stream of consciousness.)

Once I got out of football, I had to prove myself on other levels. I had to prove my knowledge of products and services outside of first downs and nickel defense. I had to prove that I was competent. I had to prove that the person they interviewed was the person they had indeed been hired. I had to come through.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. When you start a new job, you’re coming off an old job where you proved yourself and, hopefully, they trusted you. So part of your brain thinks that you can just step right in and it will all be the same at the new job. But every company is different. And you have to learn how thing are run.

I swear I’m not trying to be a dick when I mention how things were done at my old job. I’m not trying to make things run the same way just because I don’t like change. I honestly think it is because when it comes to proving myself, I’m always going to being that female in a man’s world of football and having to prove myself over and over for all the wrong reasons.

Category: Forty Whiners, Worky Work | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 4, 2008

Do you remember like 100 years ago when I asked you for questions for Bacon? And that he would reply to them all in a timely matter? Well, clearly I was lying. But fear not! The rest of the answers are here NOW! And I’m sure there’s one about the election or something because it HAS BEEN THAT LONG.

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Dear Bacon,

Can you please help a girl out with the robocalls? You see, I work all day at a lousy stinkin’ job and come home all optimistic that the evening will be more fun. Imagine my delight when my answering machine cheerily greets me with 17! new! messages! SQUEE, right? Only they are all automatons beseeching me to vote for their person on November 4th. If I leave an outbound message that says I’ve already voted early, do you think the robocalls will understand this?

Timeliness my forte,

Bikerchick Barb

Dear Barb,

SEE! I TOLD YOU WOMAN TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS FASTER! (pause, while Kristabella smacks Bacon and his sassy mouth for talking back) Well, Barb, Bacon knows how you feel. You see, because Bacon sits at home, all alone, everyday on the corner of the coffee table. And the phone just rings all the time. And no one ever leaves a message. But Bacon has to hear Kristabella’s greeting 11,000 times a day. But for your question, Bacon says “Boycott Tofu.” No real reason. He just has no response to this question because it doesn’t matter anymore. And tofu is gross.

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Hi Bacon,

Can a person like me just up and assume another name, like so many celebrities have recently, without looking like a total douchebag (unlike so many celebrities recently)? I’m not asking for a P. Diddy/ Puffy/ Puff Daddy carousel of stupid, just the occasional right to change my name to some other normal name.

Anonymously yours,

Legally Blonde Mel

Oh Mel,

Bacon is wondering if you want to change your name because you are the Mel behind Mel’s Diner in California and you can’t leave your house with people not asking you to make them a grilled cheese or a turkey club sammich. Because Bacon has been to your fine establishment and he thinks your food is fabulous.

Anyway, Bacon can understand. He himself has run-ins with the papps and sometimes he wishes he wasn’t a paper folder with a Bacon spinner. Sometimes he wishes he could be just a plain old manila folder and not have so many adoring fans. Bacon would love to walk down the street and go unnoticed. But, Bacon lives in the real world. So Mel, Bacon says to “Hang Out With Hash Browns” and continue to be Mel and make a mean Denver omelette that is a perfect hangover food.

Let Bacon know if you want an autographed photo for your diner, Mel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Bacon,

As soon as I saw that you love using the word conundrum, I knew you would be just the one to help me with my very own (conundrum). You see, I’ve been a Starbucks whore for many, many years now. Unfortunately, since we seem to have fallen on some hard times here at chez Evil, I can no longer afford my elixir of choice on a daily basis. I have given this matter considerable thought and the only solution I can come up with is pimping out my husband for spare change. Although he’s in decent physical condition, he is 52 years old and can’t run very fast. What do you think would be the going rate for such a commodity?

Caffinatedly yours,

Evil Genius

Dear Evil Genius,

This is a good question. It is very apropos since we here in the United States are in a recession. We are all going to have to be cutting back on frivolous things like coffee and milk and cat food. But Bacon would like to mention that Dunkin Donuts coffee is one million times better than Starbucks coffee. And Dunkin Donuts coffee is available at your local grocery stores. Or so I’ve heard, since I don’t do much shopping. And no, Bacon is not being paid for that endorsement. But he does say “Hey Dunkin, call me! There is no better spokesperson for Dunkin coffee. What goes better with coffee than Bacon?”

Oh, but this wasn’t just another answer shamelessly self-promoting myself. Evil, Bacon thinks you should “Tempt A Vegan.” Because maybe you could shake one of them down and get the loose change out of their pockets. That should solve the money problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bacon,

Do you think this terrifying thing is real? Also, do you think it might come to eat me in my sleep?

Frightened in the ATL,

Darcey

Dear Darcey,

Bacon is not here to answer your question. He is hiding under the couch until he hears that there are indeed no bird-eating spiders or that this is all a bad dream.

Kristabella

P.S. But I’m sure Bacon would say “Spit Hot Grease” because that is the ONLY THING THAT WILL KILL THAT SPIDER! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Reverend Bacon,

It seems that there are several people from high school, that I barely remember and haven’t talked to in 18 years, who have befriended me on Facebook, but spell my name wrong when writing through Facebook. This confuses me as my name is correctly spelled, in full, on my profile. Also, it has never changed. Is there a polite way to say “Hey dumbass, you spelled my name wrong”? Should I dumb down my name for them?

Basking in your most greasiness,

JRM

Bacon can totally understand this. Because on Bacon himself, the folder, there is a spot on his folder marked “Beckon”, which is clearly not how you spell BACON. Bacon doesn’t really understand how people can be so stupid. So Bacon thinks you should “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for putting those motherfuckers on BLAST. Because Bacon apparently still thinks it is 1995 and he’s on TRL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bacon,

How do I get the crazy spammers to stop sending me “exclusive” offers for jobs at Wal-Mart and P3Ni5 enlargement. How did I get on this list from hell? Is it because I moved back to the South? Please save me!

Spammed-A-Lot,

Celia

Dear Spammed On,

All Bacon knows about SPAM is that it tries to be as tasty as Bacon and win the hearts of people all over the world, but SPAM fails miserably. And now it looks like SPAM is trying get you to love him through emails. UNWANTED emails. Bacon wants to tell SPAM that this is no way to make you the most desired meat product. So Celia, Bacon thinks you should “Liven Up A Salad” because that was like the only choice left on the folder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And FINALLY, Bacon wants to wish a VERY! HAPPY! BIRTHDAY! to Kristabella’s mom. You can see that Bacon is clearly the only person Kristabella mistreats because she loves her mom, as evidenced by this lovely post she wrote for her last year. Happy Birthday! Bacon and Kristabella love you very much!

So everyone wish a Happy Birthday to Mahnee!

Category: Bacon | 12 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 3, 2008

So remember back a few weeks ago when I mentioned that I had started online dating again? Well, I have. I joined Chemistry.com and I’m currently in the same place I was a few weeks ago – dateless. Except now I have less money in the bank.

Before you start commenting that I have to give it time and be active, yada, yada, yada, just calm down. I AM giving it time. I am being active. I’m staying positive. Even when there are few people to be positive about. But I’m letting Chemistry work their magic and match me with me Mr. Right. Or Mr. Right Now. I’m not picky. (That’s a lie. I am picky. Nothing wrong with being picky, says the 30-something singleton with two cats.)

But I have had some um, let’s say interesting matches. We may have similar personalities and match up, but I can’t get past these weirdos to even explore it. (Go ahead and call me shallow. It won’t hurt.)

First up was the dude who was cute and nice and the right age. But then when I got to his profile he revealed he lived with his parents. At first I thought maybe I could get past that. But then I realized that really, if you’re 31 and living at home without extenuating circumstances, then it is time to grow up and move out. The way he put it was all “I still live at home, so if this is an issue, good luck with your search YOU SHALLOW, HEARTLESS TROLL!” My thought was if you’re going to mention it in the profile (which, good on you for being honest) and you are living at home for a good reason (like you’re taking care of your sick parent, etc.) then you would probably also mention that., no? So I judged (possibly wrongly so) that he was just lazy and didn’t want to pay rent and a mama’s boy.

Judgey McJudgerson, party of one.

NEXT!

So then there is Zak. Zak claims to be a former actor and model. ZAK ALSO LIKES TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS. I imagine he’s quite SHOUTY in person. Also, he freaked me out. Freaky whitish-blonde hair ahead!

Zak is also sucking in his stomach in that photo. I CANNOT GET PAST THE WHITE HAIR AND EYEBROWS! Or that he calls himself ICEMAN.

NEXT!

And then there is my most favorite of all. His name is Michael. He actually seemed like a good fit. We seemed to have the same interests and he was decent looking. Just to make sure he wasn’t posting photos from years ago, I made sure to scroll through all the photos he had put up in his profile. And then I hit the jackpot!

Oh yes, that right there is a photo of HIS HAIRY STOMACH. Please, someone tell me why. I laughed so hard when I saw this. It’s not a bad stomach, but it isn’t Michael Phelps’ stomach. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Michael, this doesn’t make me want to date you. This makes me want to point and laugh at you.

Michael and His Stomach actually top the guy who I was matched with on eHarmony years ago whose profile photo was him eating ribs, complete with plastic bib and BBQ sauce all over his face.

I think these relationship matching sites are trying to tell me something. I think that something is CUT YOUR LOSSES! GET OUT NOW!

But until my subscription runs out, I will continue to be amused by these “matches” Chemistry.com. Thanks for the laughs.

Category: Online Dating, Spinsterville Here I Come | 48 Comments »
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