You Ask, Bacon Answers – Part 1

Posted By on November 10, 2008

Do you remember like 17 weeks ago when I asked you all to leave questions for Bacon? And that he would answer your questions in a timely fashion? Well, clearly, I was lying out of my piehole because I don’t even remember how long ago that post was written.

But some things in life are worth waiting for. Including this post. And Bacon’s answers. I just hope they are funny. Bacon is all salty (pun intended) because I ignored him today after I brought home my new iPhone.  So without further ado, here are Bacon’s answers – Part 1. Because there were quite a few questions. And there are only a certain number of answers on that wheel o’ Bacon.


Dear Bacon,

Why does my annoying neighbor always take his cat for a walk (on a cat-leash) right when I pull into the parking lot and why do they always linger near my door, when there’s a huge grassy area with trees and a creek and other things I assume a cat would enjoy 4 steps to the left of my door?

I love you – Jules

Dear Jules,

Bacon says that you really are preaching to the damn choir. You people have no idea the madness Bacon goes through on a daily basis with these stupid cats of Kristabella’s. Bacon wishes someone would come over and take them on a walk. And then just leave them outside for someone else to take home so Bacon could stop gathering dust and cat hair. But to answer your question, Bacon says you must “Taste Really Good” and that is why the cat is always lingering near your door. And Bacon guesses your neighbor really is hoping to find out how good you really taste, the cat on a leash is just an excuse to see you. And also the worst way ever to impress a woman.


Dear Bacon,

What will happen to Sarah Palin’s $150,000 color-me-smart wardrobe after her and McCain lose the upcoming presidential election? (And yes, I AM knocking on wood right now, throwing salt over my left shoulder, and saying a short prayer to a god I don’t necessarily believe in just to make sure I didn’t jinx it for us.)

I hope the answer involves a skillet or something equally heinous! – Tokyo Cowgirl

Dear Bacon’s Japanese Friend,

Bacon doesn’t wear clothes. Unless you count a homemade sweater comprised of dust and cat hair that Bacon is sporting these days. But Bacon doesn’t get all the hub-bub with the wardrobe of Sarah Palin. But Bacon guesses that the wardrobe will end up “Hanging Out With Hash Browns.” Which means those expensive suits will end up on a homeless person sitting outside a McDonald’s on State Street in Chicago.



I’m tormented by people downtown in Chicago who STROLL, not walk, on the way to public transportation. And they tend to STROLL in packs so you can’t just walk around them. I feel like I’m playing human dodgeball. Since I don’t want to end up with a bullet up my ass for saying something salty to them, what can I do? – Mahnee

Dear Kristabella’s mom,

Would it be possible, Bacon wonders, for you to have a discussion with your daughter about her slovenly habits? And maybe you would like to have these stupid cats come visit you for an extended period of time? So maybe that one hairball of a cat stops chewing on my Bacon spinner, fortheloveofallthatisgoodandholy.

Oh, and to answer your question, Bacon says to “Spit Hot Grease” on those damn tourists and people who stroll! STOP WALKING SO SLOW! Bacon wants all of you to remember this when you come to town next year for that weird blogging conference you all seem to enjoy so much. You know, that one where there are a bunch of whales who didn’t graduate or something.



What is up with those assholes who block all traffic in the grocery store parking lot just so that they can back into the parking space? It’s not like they need the quick getaway and backing in will make it harder for them to load their groceries in the trunk. – Jen on the Edge

Dear Jen,

Wow, Bacon is sure getting a lot of questions about people not getting out of the way fast enough. Bacon has to say he has never encountered this before in his grocery shopping trips. Because Bacon doesn’t go to the grocery store. He’s stuck eating the crumbs that fall from Kristabella’s plate. Sometimes Bacon is appreciative that Kristabella never cleans.

In this instance, Bacon suggests you “Beckon” those people over politely to your car window. And when they get close enough, run over them. That should teach them.



How can I get my husband to put his beloved Karmen Ghia into storage so I can have my garage spot back? And on that note, why have I lost my garage spot for his second car?

Sincerely – Frost on the Windshield

Dear Frosty the Snowwoman,

Bacon isn’t sure who this Karmen Ghia is, but he sure hopes she’s like that Carmen Miranda with all that fruit on her head. Bacon loves her! Maybe your husband doesn’t want this Karmen lady to have to move to a storage facility. That seems kind of insensitive of you, Frosty.

But if you must put this lovely Ms. Ghia out, then the best way to solve your dilemma, Bacon says, is to “Tempt A Vegan.” And by that, Bacon means you better hope your husband is a Vegan so you can tempt him with a plate piled high of tasty Bacon. Also, tempting him with hot, hot sex wouldn’t hurt.


If your questions weren’t answered in this round, don’t despair, there will be at least one more, if not two, installments of Bacon answering your questions.

And if you just realized you have a burning frying question for Bacon, feel free to leave it in the comments. But keep in mind, these are the crap answers you will be getting.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


12 Responses to “You Ask, Bacon Answers – Part 1”

  1. Three cheers for “Hanging out with hash browns”! I too will be hanging out with hash browns if I don’t get a job soon, just as you have done recently. But hell, being homeless can’t be that bad, especially if it means I get to cabbage on to Palin’s Valentino wardrobe.

    That should be my next question for bacon: Will I, Tokyo Cowgirl, get a job before 2012?


    ~Tokyo Cowgirl
    (I’m white, not Japanese, thank freaking god, those Japanese people are crazy)

    Tokyo Cowgirls last blog post..these boots are going to walk all over you

  2. HouseofJules says:

    Dear Bacon,
    I needed a good laugh tonight, so thank you. I’d like to kiss you, but I think what would probably happen is when bringing you to my lips, my nose would get a whiff of your deliciousness and then I’d end up eating you. It’s probably best we never get together…

    Dear KJ,
    Perfect timing, I was going to write a little about that particular neighbor for tomorrow’s post. I’m totally linking to this post if that’s ok. Who am I kidding, of course it’s okay. You’re a whore for numbers just like I am. 😉

    House of Jules

    HouseofJuless last blog post..You need this reminder

  3. Dear Bacon,

    Thank you. Now I know what to do. When I’m doing 25-30 for vehicular manslaughter, will you come visit me in prison?


    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Mamarazzi Monday: How to get attention in the Jolie-Pitt household

  4. witchypoo says:

    Dear Bacon: You may be interested to know that I recommend bacon sandwiches for wives to kill their spouses slowly but legally.

    witchypoos last blog post..Tarot Lesson

  5. Mahnee says:

    Just a quick comment..gotta get some grease to get nice and hot for the walk to the EL after work so I can FLING it….I’m not putting hot grease in my mouth to spit it, but I do think Bacon has a really good idea here.

    Oh, and Bacon, Kristabella isn’t “slovenly”. You should be thankful you have a coffee table to sit on…some board games with spinners aren’t so lucky.

  6. Darcey says:

    Bacon, how I love thee.

    But I’ll love you more once you’ve bestowed your delicious wisdom on me.

  7. ali says:

    is that the rock and roll mcdonald’s? because that one has really classy homeless people outside 😉

    alis last blog post..THE moms

  8. slynnro says:

    Bacon really has your number, Kristin.

    slynnros last blog post..NoImYoSeMo: Volume One

  9. Evil Genius says:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Bacon is a genius.

    ‘Nuff said.

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..Hillbilly Pick-Up Lines

  10. lbluca77 says:

    I love that you have a game about bacon. I love bacon. I did a post about it last week.

    lbluca77s last blog post.."Balls are to men what purses are to women."

  11. Ree says:

    Ummmmmm, speaking of that, er, thing happening next year?

    I’m announcing my intention to attend. Snort. I promise though, I can walk FAST. I’m used to Chicago traffic.

    Rees last blog post..October’s New Commenters (Finally)

  12. lorie says:

    Hey, is there a section just for latest news