Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on January 8, 2009

A few weeks ago, my friend Schwerer and I were having an email conversation strictly through the passing of Someecards. It started when I sent her one to brighten her day because she had been through a lot with her mom. And then, well, it just kind of snowballed because that site had SO many cards and they are all hilarious.

This is one of the ones I sent her.

I didn’t send it because I was trying to stop emailing with her. I actually sent it because THIS IS SO MY PROBLEM!

It is actually a problem with personal emails, with blog emails, with instant messages, with texts, with work emails. I don’t know when I can just stop the thread and it is OK. I tend to be the last voice in a thread. This isn’t because I always have to have the last word or anything, I just don’t know when to stop. It is a sickness people.

As an example, say you are in an email conversation with someone, say it is a thank you email situation. (Clearly this is all made up.)

Me: Thank you for the awesome fudge that you made me. And the way you packed it, wow. You’re a top-shelf fudgepacker!

Other Person: Oh, why thank you! I’m so glad you liked it! I learned to hone my fudge packing skills while I lived in San Francisco. Enjoy! Have a wonderful rest of your week!

(Now, this, is an acceptable ending to an email chain. There is a succinct end and there is no need for further conversation. “Have a wonderful rest of your week” is almost like a big neon sign saying END OF CONVERSATION. But I? I can’t stop. Because now I have to thank the person for thanking me for my thank you!)

Me: No problem. I really did enjoy it! As did my whole family! You know, I used to live in the Bay Area myself.

And then crickets. Because I should have never responded back. I mean, really, just let it go. CONVERSATION OVER. WE ARE DONE HERE.

I think I get it from my mom. (Although, how can you inherit something from your mom pertaining to something that wasn’t even INVENTED when you were born?) We exchange emails throughout the day and if I ever send one that even I think is the end of the conversation, I’ll always get another email back from her that says “You too!” or “Later gator!” or “You got that right!” (Which no, my mom never says “you got that right” and if she were to say it over email, she would be grammatically correct and say “You have that right!” My grammar Nazi skills I did inherit from my mother.)

So since I’ve probably exchanged at least one email with almost all of you who read my blog, I wanted to see what you all think. Is this an annoying trait that comes with being my friend? Like having a friend who picks her teeth?

Am I the only one with this problem? Does this happen to you too? How do you determine when to stop an email thread?

I need answers, people! Your sanity, and mine, depend on it.

Category: All Things Blogging | 46 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 7, 2009

When I left work tonight and was walking to the train, I started to think of an idea for a post. I thought “oh, I think I’ll share some funny things that made me laugh today with my readers!” And then I began brainstorming what exactly made me laugh.

I was walking in the snow that was coming down sideways, right into my face, which was really not pleasant at all. It wasn’t those big, puffy white flakes. No, those always come down straight. It was the partially frozen, little snow BBs that explode into your skin. And I kid you not, EVERY time the snow comes down sideways, the wind is blowing in my face. I’m constantly walking in the same direction, apparently. Or maybe in a circle. Like a hamster in a ball.

Anyway, the reason for telling you all this is because I have very few brain cells, apparently, and cannot remember a damn thing unless I write it down. Because on my walk to the train, I constructed a post in my head that was so hilarious, I actually laughed out loud. To myself. In the dark, in an empty parking, while walking to the blue line. 

And now I don’t remember most of it. But it was funny. Unlike this post.

The one funny thing I did want to share with you is this photo. Just click on it. I promise, you’ll smile. Or you may giggle uncontrollably at your desk like I did. Or on your walk to the train just thinking about it, like I did. I don’t know why it is so funny, but it is. And I’m going to keep this link for the next time I get really mad and want to shout obscenities at someone. (I know. I’m linking to Dooce. But still, just click.)

That was one of the funny things I remember. The other thing I wanted to share with you is a moment in my life, a quick glance of what it is like to live in my world, that of a spinster with cats who drinks too much booze and shouts obscenities far too often.

Yesterday when I came home, after I fed the cats, I went in my room to change into my PJs. I would have done that first, but they start biting my ankles and then it bleeds and it’s just a big mess. It’s just better to feed them first thing. Anyway, I walked into my room and I saw this.

This is my bed. And look! I made it! (Actually, total tangent, I make it every day because about 6 years ago, I read something that said it takes 21 days to make a habit. And I made it my mission to PROVE IT WRONG. So I started making my bed every day. Six years later, I make my bed every day. It works. Try it.)

That little shiny thing on my bed? That’s a cat toy. And no, I did not put it there. This actually happens quite often. When I’m gone during the day, I often come home to this toy on my bed, on my side of the bed no less. It is a present. My cat leaves me presents.

It’s actually pretty normal, I guess, for cats (and probably dogs). It is their way of showing you they love you, or so the “experts” say. Normal outdoor cats, they’ll bring you DEAD things and leave them for you. As a present. And this is why my cats are not allowed outside. (Although, if they are that scared of a dog, I’m pretty sure they would hide from a squirrel.)

Sometimes, Simba leaves these presents for me in the middle of the night. And this toy? It crinkles. It makes a lot of noise. Especially when you roll over in bed at 3 AM and hear that damn crinkling and freak the fuck out because WHO IS IN THE HOUSE? CRINKLING THINGS? WHERE IS MY PHONE? WHAT IF HE’S UNDER MY BED AND IS GOING TO CUT MY ACHILLES? And then I roll over and see the cat staring, nay smirking, at me and remember it is just a fucking toy and fall back asleep.

The other cat, she leaves me presents too. Just not in my bed. If I get any kind of take out (i.e. Chinese food or Taco Bell) and I get any kind of sauce packet with said meal, I will find said sauce packet chewed to shreds in the living room soon thereafter. Which means she jumps up on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night, grabs the sauce packet, chews enough holes in it so it leaks, and then drags it around the house with her. Last Friday morning I woke up to a trail of soy sauce on my living room floor.

I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t all part of their grand plan. Lull me into a feeling of bliss with their cuteness and their “presents” when all the while they have plans to leave me a present of the pipe bomb that they are currently creating in their secret laboratory when I’m at work. “Oh she thinks we’re cute now,” they’ll say. “But just wait until we give her this present and then KAHBLOOOIE! She’ll be blasted to smithereens! And we’ll be licking her tiny pieces of flesh off the walls for months to come. We need to get her before she starts that diet so there’s more of her to go around! Mwahahahahaha!”

And now you all know and can tell the proper authorities when the time comes. I am counting on you all to avenge my death.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Spinsterville Here I Come | 23 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 5, 2009

I’m feeling out of sorts lately. I’m very blah and I feel like life is moving around me and I’m always lagging behind. It’s like something isn’t clicking. I don’t know what the deal is. I know spending the entire day sleeping on Sunday afternoon did not help matters. As a freaky creature of habit, when I have days like that, it will mess up my whole week.

Normally when I’m in these moods, I don’t feel like writing. But I know that writing helps me push through. Even if what I write is complete crap. Which this is. But what to write about?

• I could tell you about my trip to the dentist today. But it was UNEVENTFUL. In the fact that I DID NOT CRY! Except tears of joy for having a dentist who knows what the hell she’s doing! Whoopee!
• I could tell you about my friend Julie, who just had her first baby! A little baby girl named Noe. (And I’m guessing it is No-ee, like Noe Valley in San Francisco, where Julie once called home. HOW FREAKING CUTE IS THAT?) I cannot wait to meet her!

So yeah, all good things to share. But not really whole-post-worthy. But then I logged into my WordPress account and took a gander at my stats for the past few days. I don’t do it to be all “how many page views did I get today?” (although I do check it out). I look more to see where people are visiting from to make sure I’m not being linked somewhere I don’t want to be. Like when the Chicago Nesties post links to your blog on their private message board that they won’t let you on! Bygones.

But today I laughed at a few of the search terms from the past few days and thought I’d share them with you.

Funny bandaids 

Band-aids aren’t funny. Unless they are Bacon band-aids. In which case they are humorous items to cover up OPEN WOUNDS. Not funny at all.

Is Anderson Cooper Jewish?

I don’t know. I bet Metalia knows. And also, who cares? He’s gay. And pretty.

Smells that paralyze

Wow. I don’t know. I just…WHY? Why are you asking this? Are you some date raper? Or a serial killer? Or does your significant other have really bad gas? And how did you end up here?

Why you shouldn’t go drinking with a dre

Well, I don’t know why you shouldn’t. I mean, if you went out drinking with a Dre, wouldn’t a Snoop shortly follow? Along with some gin and juice and endo? I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

I should really leave these kinds of posts to Bacon. But he’s been paralyzed.  By the smell of bacon frying. He calls it MURDER or some nonsense.

I’d like to promise something better written tomorrow, but then I would be lying.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Land of Random | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on January 4, 2009

Alternate title: One of the Many, Many Reasons I Would Be a Bad Rock of Love Contestant.

Before I get into the real point of this post, I just had to share that my cat is licking the glue off an envelope right now. He’s been doing it all day. Where the fuck was that kind of help when I was mailing 140 Christmas cards?

Anyway, back before New Year’s Eve, I got a bug up my butt and really wanted to go out. I’m not a big fan of New Year’s because it is usually a big let down because you pay a lot of money and you can’t get to the bar and you’re not as drunk as you should be for forking over all that cash. But for some reason, I was itching to go out this year.

Thankfully, that bug was gone shortly thereafter. I shat him out in the toilet or something. So I ended up spending New Year’s at home with my friend Michelle, my friend wine and a lot of yummy food. We had a great night and it was much better than going out. Plus, Michelle brought her dog over, which freaked the fuck out of my cats. They hid all night, away from the dog, and it was nice not to have them around for once.

So instead of going out on December 31st, I decided that Saturday night would be a good night to go out. It would be cheaper (in theory) and we would still have a kick ass time. I went out with my friend Schwerer to her favorite place in the whole world, Howl at the Moon. Her mom recently passed away and I think she needed a girl’s night out filled with drunken debauchery. I was happy to help.

Since I didn’t go out on Wednesday night, I decided that the dress I was going to wear out if I had gone out was to be worn to Howl. Which is funny because Howl is not a dressy place. But I didn’t care! The ladies of The Working Closet are rubbing off on me. And turning me into a proper lady. It’s like Flickr Charm School!

I needed to get dressed up to match my sexy bangs! (It’s hard to tell in that photo because the light in my house sucks, but the dress is a darker purple.)

We had a really good time out. We danced and sung and acted like drunk fools. Normally I get pretty drunk while I’m there, but only on beer so I’m in control. I have done stupid things there like give my number to the bartender, but who hasn’t done that?

But last night the dude at the table next to us bought us three rounds of shots (or it might have been four. I lost count.) So that coupled with the endless buckets of beer, and Drunkabella was out in full force!

(That same dude actually grabbed my boobs and my friend’s boobs multiple times. He got me by catching me off guard when I was coming up from the bathroom and he was leaving. He got a two-handed grab and wouldn’t let go. Good thing I was drunk. Oh who am I kidding? Who doesn’t like a random boob grab?)

The thing about Howl at the Moon is that my inner band geek/groupie comes out. Because about four beers in I’m always like “I LOVE MUSICANS! Want to date piano player!” And then that’s all I talk about the whole night because OMG! Did he just look right at me?

For some reason I was feeling extra ballsy last night. After my friend handed said piano player my phone number on a song request sheet, I went up and talked to said piano player after he was taking a break and apologized for my friend doing it. He was all happy and cute and was like “no need to apologize.” Then I saw him a few times after that on my way to and from the bathroom. Because if I didn’t mention it, I drank A LOT. And he looked at me and SMILED! Swoon! Maybe that bitch in that stupid book was right! I had him at hello!

So at the end of the night, he was at the bar and I went up and bought him a drink. It was a shot of Jager. Which would explain the major hangover I had today. (I was going to say this morning, but let’s be honest, after a certain age, the hangovers, they last all day.) I tried talking to him and was in this awkward spot at the corner of the bar by the waitress area and he basically didn’t talk to me at all. He was pretty much kind of a douche. Thankfully I was too drunk to be offended.

I did end up talking to one of the other piano players who was a nice guy and answered all my burning questions like “don’t you ever get sick of playing the same songs over and over?” and “what happens if you don’t know a song?” and “how do you know all of those songs??” If he hadn’t been married, I would have given him a sloppy, drunken kiss.

I hardly ever go up to guys in bars. It usually ends up the same way, where I put myself out there and get SHUT DOWN. But I’m glad that I did it. I mean, how else would I have known he was such a douche? And I know back a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been that ballsy, even with all the added liquid courage.

So it was his loss for turning me down. In that dress! IDIOT!

Also, I will not be drinking like that in quite some time. Even watching the skanks on Rock of Love do shots made me nauseous.

Category: Hooch Hilarity, Spinsterville Here I Come | 38 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 31, 2008

Ah, the eve of the new year. A time to reflect on the previous 364 (or 365 in the case of a leap year) days and either look back fondly or wish for the new year to come even faster.

Around the blogosphere, most bloggers talk about the year they had, mention their favorite posts from the year and celebrate the dawn of yet another year. I’ve done it too, here and here. (And clearly overuse the phrase wax poetically.) This year I was going to highlight some of my favorite posts. But since I just decided that this afternoon, it was not enough time to read a whole year of posts. I just tried. I couldn’t get through January. I was laughing too hard. I am one funny bitch, yo.

Obviously, 2008 wasn’t the best year for me. I was laid off. Again. Just like 2007. And 2005. But it has ended on a good note. I have a job. I got an iPhone. I cleaned my apartment for the first time in MONTHS. My car is unstuck. It’s a time to CELEBRATE!

It hasn’t been all bad. Here a few highlights from my 2008:

• I hung out with quite a few authors. And they still talk to me and don’t pretend not to know me when I see them in person. Yay!
• DINAO started on this here blog and was a rousing success! I plan to continue it into 2009 because there are ample amounts of disgusting people out there that no one wants to sleep with.
• Bacon had an exciting year and went on a World Tour and met quite a few adoring fans. He went to Vegas and San Francisco twice. (That Bacon post from San Francisco might be my favorite post of the whole year.) He is even now adorned on a t-shirt. I would venture to say that 2008 was The Year of The Bacon.
• I went to BlogHer and met so many of my favorite people in person. I hit the jackpot with my roommates and I have friends for life in Ali and Slynnro.

• BlogHer was a nerve-wracking experience going into it, knowing there were going to be over 1,000 women in one place and not knowing a soul. But it was hands down one of the greatest experiences of my life.
• That’s even without stealing Cheetos.
• But that made it even better.
• I went to my first Indy Car race and I met Helio Castroneves.
• I turned 31. The most anti-climactic birthday since turning 20.
• Two words: DENTIST DRAMA. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Next year has to be the year of no teeth problems.
• I enjoyed unemployment way too much, still having a hard time months later getting used to waking up before the sun.
• We witnessed one of the most exciting elections in the history of the United States. It was monumental and made me really proud to be an American.
• I fell in love! With EDWARD! SWOON! I will keep you posted on the wedding details. Should be any day now.
• I got BANGS! That I LOVE!

So overall, not a bad year at all. I have plenty to be thankful for and I’m ready to put the bad things behind me and move on to another new year. I’m looking forward to 2009 and look forward to marrying Edward and other exciting things, like possibly becoming a home owner.

Until then, I’m just going to keep listening to the message Rahm Emanuel left for me, trying to find the subliminal message where he invites me to be his personal assistant in Washington. I KNOW IT IS IN THERE, RAHM! WE ARE NEIGHORS! CHI-TOWN UNITE!

I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year and wish all of you the best in 2009! Not to get all sappy, but doing this blogging thing has been such an awesome experience for me because of all of you who come here and read my inane drivel day after day. I hope, at the very least, you got a good laugh, if not many.

Happy New Year, Bitches!

Category: All Things Blogging | 33 Comments »
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