Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on December 29, 2008

This week between Christmas and New Year’s should be a National Holiday week. I mean, regardless of your religion and what holiday you celebrate, this is a dead week. Most people are on holiday. Things are slow everywhere. Especially on television, where there are no new shows. Thank God for trashy reality television. There is no hiatus in the Land of Dramaz.

It’s also pretty slow in the blog world. Most people are on vacation or taking a needed break from blogging and spending time with their family. I mean, sometimes that laptop attached to your hip and Twittering from the bathroom can totally get tiring. Sometimes we all need a break.

While I am working this week (every day but Thursday), I am mentally on vacation when it comes to blogging. My creative juices, they are frozen like the snow that held my car hostage for four days. Well, either that or my brain has melted into liquid from all the said trashy reality shows. Nothing a bottle, or seven, of wine can’t fix, right?

So in lieu of a real post, I figured I would announce the winners for the books I have to give away! Because it is the giving season.

The first book I have to giveaway is the one I reviewed. It’s called You Lost Him At Hello. I was quite shocked there were not a lot of takers for a free book. I mean, did my review sway you in any way? Because in case I didn’t make it clear, I HATED that book. I tried to be nice and not call out the author for being a groupie and a game player. And in exchange, I think I sold a little piece of my soul.

So, the winner of that book is Stef! Because she actually wanted it! And she said my bangs were cute! So Stef, email your mailing address to me at fullofsnark at gmail dot com and I’ll get that in the mail for you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next contest was for Eileen Cook’s new book, What Would Emma Do? I will tell you that I finished the book this weekend and it was good! It was filled will all kinds of teen angst and drama! And it was funny! I hope you all enjoy it!

I would like to say I did this randomly, but I am a sucker for compliments! So I chose who I wanted to. Also, I would hope if you read the book and like it and you have a blog, you’ll spread the word for my friend, the author, Eileen Cook.

Winner the first – Casey! Because she’s a friend of my friends Betsey and Hoddy. And I like to be welcoming to new readers. And I would like her to come back again and again. And also, she’s a school librarian and can spread the word to all sorts of young adults about the book!

Winner the second – R! Because R just had a baby and I’m sure she has loads of time to read! I mean, really, how hard can parenting be? Also, her baby B is just the cutest! And has the most adorable nose!

So if you’re one of the winners, please email me with your mailing address (fullofsnark at gmail dot com) and I’ll get those books out to all of you. Congrats!

Category: All Things Blogging, Contests | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 28, 2008

While I do love me some long weekends, it is also not a good thing. Because that many days of sleeping in and napping makes my body think we’re unemployed again. Whereas I would be all “NO! I can’t be unemployed AGAIN!” My body is thinking “WOO FUCKING HOO! NAPS! Glorious, glorious NAPS!”

Needless to say, my brain isn’t working much and I can’t form coherent sentences. So I’m just going to tell you all about the highlights from my long holiday weekend.

• My car is UNSTUCK! FINALLY!
• On Wednesday afternoon, after I got home from work a bit early, I went right to my car to get it out. It was warmer that day and the snow and ice were turning slushy. I figured it was my best shot of getting out. After struggling for a bit, a nice man, A SAINT, came out to help me. He literally pushed me out of my spot. It took us a half hour, but I got out. It was a Christmas miracle!
• I need to bake that man some cookies or something. He has no idea how grateful I was.
• We got a ton of rain this weekend and it was 60 degrees on Saturday. It melted all the snow (yay!) and also flooded all the frozen rivers (boo!). There is very little snow and ice left. I parked in a spot with a little bit of ice (I’m talking like not even that noticeable.) When I went to leave for the grocery store this afternoon, I GOT STUCK! ON THAT LITTLE PATCH OF ICE!
• Thankfully it wasn’t for too long.
• I’m pretty sure Mother Nature hates me.
• Either that, or she’s a dentist.
• My Christmas was good. I got money and gift cards mostly. I also got a new sweater and a cute scarf and some reusable grocery bags. Which I probably was the most excited about!
• It was really loud in my aunt’s house on Christmas. There was too much going on. I was way too overstimulated. And there was nowhere to escape to. Not surprisingly, I had a huge headache when I got home.
• My cousin got snippy with me when I explained to her that to show images back on a digital camera, you have to switch to the mode with the play button. She looked at me like I was speaking gibberish. I had no other way to explain a PLAY BUTTON than yelling PLAY BUTTON louder.
• She got mad because she said I didn’t need to make her feel stupid.
• But who doesn’t know what a play button looks like? It’s the same on a camera or a DVD player or an iPod. IT IS A UNIVERSAL SIGN.
• I went over to my brother’s on Friday to help Noah and Skyler break in all their new toys. Noah got the board game Life from Santa. So my brother, SIL and I played on Friday night.
• True to real life, I lost my job twice in the game of Life as well.
• I suck at Mario Kart. Which pleases my nephew greatly. He’s a really sore winner. Which pisses me off even more than sucking. Because HE’S SIX.
• I noticed this morning that my heat wasn’t working. And since it is radiators and I have four of them, I was thinking it was more of an issue of the apartment complex not turning the heat on, than the radiators being broken.
• Saturday was 60. Sunday was 30. The heat was needed. It’s like against the law or something.
• So I left a passive aggressive message on their machine (since they are on vacation) and said something about their vacation doesn’t mean I don’t get heat. And also, I might have said something about taking money off my rent next month because if I have to shower when it was 50 degrees in my house in WINTER, there was going to be hell to pay.
• I heard the radiators click on a little later. But not since, which means I’m debating wearing mittens inside my house.
• My landlord pays for our heat. Which is all fine and good until they decide not to turn it on. I’d rather be able to control it myself. And also, I pay far too much in rent to have to wear mittens inside.
• And finally, a photo of Skyler from Christmas of her holding up the empty cookie tray in front of her face. I will never stop finding this pee-your-pants funny.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Category: Holidaze, Land of Random | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 24, 2008

For those of you who are new (or newish) here, you have probably been wondering why is it that I send out 140 holiday cards. And not only that I send out that many, but that I complain about it. Because while I am totally awesome, I don’t really think there are that many people out there who even like me. Most days I don’t even like myself, let alone 140 people. But you see, my Christmas cards, well they are stuff of legends. People actually REQUEST to be on the list. And they hope to never be taken off. (I took off like half of the marketing department from my old job because well, I just didn’t like those people.)

See, back in 2003, I ran into Dusty Baker at a 49ers home game (and by run into, I mean stalked and stood nervously in his presence with crazy eyes, waiting for someone, anyone, to take a photo of us together.) After I got my photo with him, I stupidly decided I should make that photo my holiday card. And a tradition was born. (Oh 2003 self. BAD IDEA.)

Click here to see all the past cards. (No, really. They are quite awesome.)

The PRESSURE mounts every year. I feel the need to run into a famous person (or stalk one). I get super stressed starting in September. Because did I mention the PRESSURE? And that 140 people ask me, starting after Labor Day, who will be on my card? It causes some sleepless nights.

But thankfully, someone always comes through. Including this year. Without further ado, the 2008 edition of the KJ Holiday Card Extravaganza.

In case you were wondering, I went extra cheestastic on the text this year.

So to all of you who didn’t receive a hard copy of the card, Helio and I would like to wish you a wonderful holiday season! We hope enjoy celebrating with your friends and family, eat enough to be uncomfortably full and drink enough to embarrass an Irishman (or me).

Oh, and Bacon would like to wish you a Merry Chrismukkah as well! Click here to see his greeting to all of you. And he would like to remind all of you that at any point, if the holiday stress is just too much, remember to “Put the ‘B’ in BLT.” Where B stands for booze. Lots and lots of BOOZE.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Category: Holidaze | 35 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 22, 2008

• On my way home from work tonight, I had to stop at the grocery store to get the ingredients for my award-winning corn for Christmas. I also had to get some rock salt. I’m going to try and melt all the snow around my car so that it will become unstuck.
• Did I mention that my car is stuck AGAIN? Because it is. It is currently sitting crookedly on the street because last night at 9 PM was not the time to get it unstuck. I tried to shovel some of the snow away, but at 9 PM on a day with below zero temperatures, it was ICE. Not snow.
• So I walked a half-mile home from the grocery store, in the cold, carrying a 25-pound bag of ice. It felt like some sort of competition from The Biggest Loser. Thankfully I won. Because I was the only one competing. And Jillian didn’t make me cry.
• No, I haven’t put the salt down around my car yet. It is currently FOUR. Which means nothing melts in FOUR DEGREES.
• This weather had knocked me out. I’m exhausted. Even Swedish Fish didn’t perk me up this afternoon.
• I need to get rest, but as is typical at this time of year, I just have too much to do. I haven’t even opened the boxes from Amazon to make sure the right gifts were delivered.
• And these are the things I think about when I’m trying to fall asleep.
• I also wonder how cold it has to be for your toes to fall off.
• On Saturday I was hanging out with my nephew Noah. We were having lunch at Subway and there was a ton of snow blowing, so much so that it looked like it was actually snowing. So I commented out loud “how funny, it totally looks like it is snowing.” And then my six-year old nephew said “that’s because it is, DOOFUS.”
• Apparently I have passed snark on to a whole other generation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, are you looking for a last-minute holiday gift? Are you a selfish whore and tired of shopping for everyone else? Looking for a good book to read? Then be sure to pick up your copy of What Would Emma Do? by Eileen Cook. It is in stores on now. You can buy it here.

Don’t buy it because I say so. I mean, YES! But it because I said so! Eileen has bills to pay!

But also, buy it because Eileen is awesome and nice and I totally know her. I met her in person and she even sometimes emails me. And she, like, WRITES BOOKS! FOR A LIVING!

Buy it because you know you love young adult books. I mean, Twilight wouldn’t be nearly as popular if it was meant for adults.

Buy it because Emma kisses her best friend’s boyfriend. (GASP!) Oh, the teen angsty drama that can ensue. It is no different than adult angsty drama.

Buy it because you’re dying to know what Emma did.

And finally buy it because while I’m sure Eileen won’t confirm this, but she totally named this book after Bacon. All those times of wondering What Would Bacon Do seeped into her subconscious. Right Eileen?

Also while you’re buying her new book, be sure to check out her debut novel, Unpredictable.

And no she didn’t pay me to write this. If you write books and you’re nice to me, I will become your pimping machine. I am easily bought.  Because apparently I have found that you can never say “my friend, the author” too many times while amongst groups of people.

In the spirit of the season, I will be giving away two copies of the book to two random commenters on this post. Because to keep writing books, authors need to have people buy the books. So I’m doing my part to make sure MY FRIEND EILEEN, THE AUTHOR, gets to keep writing and doing what she loves.

So leave a comment on this post to be entered into the drawing. Bacon will pick a winner sometime after the holidays. And remember, Bacon and I can be bought with compliments. We never tire of you all telling us how pretty (me) and tasty (Bacon) we are.

Good luck!

Category: Contests, Land of Random | 40 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on December 21, 2008

This afternoon I had a meltdown of epic proportions. (Just a note, this is apparently my new saying. Everything is “insert thing” of epic proportions these days – snowstorms, ice storms, etc.) It wasn’t a pretty day in Kristabellikstan.

I had a bit of a busy weekend. Saturday morning I drove up to my brother’s house so he could fix my brakes. And because we had some snow and wind chill of epic proportions (see?), I stayed over there on Saturday night. Which meant I had to rush to get all the things done on Sunday that I had planned, which included a hair appointment and three weeks of laundry. Which, I learned is exactly the number of pairs of underwear and socks that I own, if you were wondering.

I left my brother’s house this morning leaving just enough time to come home, shower, change, brush my teeth and grab my tower of laundry and head out to the salon. I had a total of 20 minutes to do this. I got it done, but there was a lot of rushing and a lot of swearing. I made it to my hair appointment with plenty of time. As my stylist came to get me, I realized I didn’t have my phone in my purse. Which meant I couldn’t show her this post so I could show her BANGS! It wasn’t the end of the world because she cuts hair for a living so she knows how to cut BANGS! And I figured that my phone was sitting on my passenger seat.

Except it wasn’t. When I got out to the car, I SEARCHED for that thing in the car, in my purse some more, outside of the car, under the car. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I figured that I must have had it on my lap in the car and it fell into the snow when I got up and someone stole it. Because people are assholes.

There was a slight possibility that I left it at home. But that was slight. I was pretty sure I looked at the phone on my way to getting my hair done. But since I drove 100 miles (50 from my brother’s and 50 to the salon), I couldn’t be totally sure. All that time in the car ran together.

The plan after my hair appointment was to go to my mom/grandma’s house, since it is close, and they have a washer and a dryer. And I can do my laundry for free. And I was out of clean underwear. So I drove to my mom’s, cursing the whole way at how STUPID and CARELESS I was with an EXPENSIVE phone. I was pissed. And I was also like “this is why I must have had that dream about someone stealing my wallet last night!” I figured I was cursed.

I pulled up on the street by my mom’s/grandma’s house and attempted to drive over the icy snow to park. It wasn’t a ton of snow, but apparently with the temperature -3 degrees and wind chills of -30, the snow was frozen SOLID. I know this because as I tried to straighten my car, it wouldn’t move. It was stuck. No amount of gunning it or turning the wheels would get it out. So then I threw a FULL-ON hissy fit. Big, fat, sobbing tears that froze to my face the minute they left my eyeballs.

As a Chicagoan who parks on the street, I keep a shovel in my trunk at all times. I don’t really need it in the summer, but it is a pain to carry upstairs. Plus you look kind of silly carrying a shovel in June. So I got out my shovel and then proceeded to try and unstick my car. All while cursing so loud that the people flying overhead out of the airport HEARD ME!

It did not budge. The neighbor guy came over to help. We worked on getting that mother fucking car out for 30 minutes. I swear, if he wasn’t there, I’d still be there. He got behind the car and pushed and I finally got out and pulled into the garage through the alley. Which probably would have been a good idea at the beginning, but I really didn’t think I’d have any trouble parking. Because I’m an asshole.

Once I got inside after the ordeal, I was SO MAD and still so pissed about my phone and WOE IS ME! MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES! And the tears! Oh so many tears!

I started my laundry and my brother called my Mom to tell her that the people at the hair salon had found my phone (huzzah!) and had been calling people in my contact list! My faith in humanity had been restored, 100 fold. (Seriously, between the neighbor helping and someone turning in my phone, I definitely need to pay it forward.) I quickly got in the car and drove down there right before they were closing up shop. It was a Christmas miracle! I did not have to buy another phone less than 2 months after getting the first!

On the drive to and from to pick up the phone, I really started hating myself and my obvious OVER-REACTION to the whole thing. I was mad at MYSELF for losing my phone. And the car getting stuck was just more ammunition. And I went fucking ballistic. I snapped. And I hate that I had such an over-the-top reaction. And lashed out at anyone around me (or on the phone with me).

After I got my phone, I called my brother to apologize for snapping at him. I apologized profusely to my mom and grandma for being such a whore. I knew I was wrong and I tried to make it better. As I called my brother, I passed a guy on the side of the road, sitting in his stalled car. It hit me then that things could be worse. I was PISSED about losing something so superficial like a phone. Something I don’t NEED. And this dude was stalled in his car on a busy street, on a Sunday, on one of the coldest days I can ever remember. That made me dry my tears and just suck it up and get the fuck over myself. My life is NOT bad. And I had no one but myself to blame for my carelessness.

I hate that I get so upset and overworked about things like that. Obviously it is a stressful time of year and that doesn’t help matters. But it does NOT excuse the way I acted. I’m hoping the next time a situation like that arises, I’ll be able to handle it much better. Because I hate that me.

But I do love the new me with bangs.

Category: Hairapy, Whine & Cheese | 41 Comments »
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