Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 31, 2009

I realized from many people asking me that I have not filled you in on the whole condo situation. Which, my bad. Because you probably all thought I closed last Thursday like I was supposed to, right? Well you would be wrong.

Today was my other closing date. But we learned on Monday that Tuesday wasn’t going to happen. So we pushed it to Thursday.

That’s not going to happen either. According to someone (my realtor or lawyer or homeless man on the street) it won’t happen this week. But it’s “for sure” going to happen next week! Kthxbai!

It’s been supposed to “for sure!” happen three times now.

I had my final walk-thru last Thursday. Everything was fine, the small issues we found in the inspection were fixed and the nail holes in the walls had been filled and painted over. It was going to be all mine! And soon! The developer’s realtor even said that everything was all set! My realtor said “we probably could have even closed tomorrow (last Friday)” if I wasn’t going to be out of town. Oh how wrong everyone involved with this is. So very wrong.

So Monday, according to my lawyer, who is AWESOME by the way and so worth the $500 he charges, there was some hang-up with the condo questionnaire. What is a condo questionnaire, you ask? I have no idea. Something about the property. I stopped myself from Googling it lest I find some horrible story about someone losing their loan over a condo questionnaire. My realtor, who I also love by the by, said it was a routine thing and since my lender had done like 90 percent of the loans in the building, there shouldn’t be an issue.

There is some issue. Something about other people in the building being delinquent on their monthly assessments. At least, that’s the story they are giving my lawyer. Something tells me that there is something bigger here, like A LOT of people delinquent, which would raise my monthly assessments, which would change the terms of the loan. Which is a TOTAL guess and hopefully makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about. Which I don’t. Because I don’t Google anything about condos anymore. I just ask Twitter.

So. There you have it. I’m actually quite calm, surprisingly. I’m bummed because I want to move in, but the longer it goes on, the closer I get to the end of my lease which means I won’t be paying a mortgage payment and rent for the same month. I wasn’t planning to move until mid to late April anyway, so it isn’t like I have boxes piling up, waiting to go. That would imply that I even have boxes and have even started packing. WHICH I HAVE NOT. That would be putting the cart before the horse, people.

They think the closing will take place next week. Except, not a good time for this girl (points to self). We have a sales meeting at work and I will not be able to take any time off Monday thru Thursday. So the earliest I can do it is Friday. And frankly, I’m not really convinced that it will happen by then anyway. I’m not actually convinced it will ever happen. See? I’m not panicking. I’m just GLOOM AND DOOM.

And really, at this point with all this screwing around and me having to take a vacation day then switch it and switch it again, if it gets done before next Friday, THEY CAN WAIT. I’ve been very accommodating with their fluctuations. I never wanted to close in March in the first place. The developer did. And I was being nice because I loved this place and what was a week or two, really? And I could be on vacation next week. Because I thought I was closing on MARCH 26. After all this, I’d love to make them fucking wait. (Which is all a big, fat lie. I’m clearly all talk because can we just get this done now, please? Thanks.)

So that’s where it all stands. It’s all the universe’s way of screwing with me because I haven’t done laundry in 2 1/2 weeks because I keep saying “oh, I can do it when I close. Since I’ll have the day off.” You win this time Universe. You win. Because I’m almost out of underwear.

Category: House Hunting | 22 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on March 29, 2009

I’m back from my short trip to Minnesota. I had a very nice, relaxing weekend of sleeping in, eating, drinking wine, watching TV and spending a lot of time with good friends. Pretty much a normal weekend in Kristabellikstan. Except, I showered more this weekend.

The night before I left for MN, I met my friend Kristina downtown. I have known Kristina for probably close to 10 years now. We worked together at the 49ers. When we worked together, we were close friends. We joined Weight Watchers together back in 2003 and both had great successes with it. (We’ve both also had a lot of luck in the last four years in putting all the weight back on, too.) She was one of those friends that I knew I would have for life. 

In the last four years, we’ve grown apart. She’s gone through some rough times and has come out of them stronger. I don’t keep in touch with her as much as I should. It is HARD to do that when you’re thousands of miles away. We all have lives and we move on. 

I had started to feel like we had grown apart for good. We’ve all had friendships like that, I think. Where we change, life gets in the way and we all move on. It’s just a part of life. But I was always sad about it because she and I were so close when we worked together. We had a lot of fun times together and laughed a lot. 

But on Thursday night, we got together because her new job brought her to Chicago for work. We met at her hotel bar and had a few drinks and just caught up. It was the first time we had been able to do that, face to face, since I moved back to Chicago. And it was excellent. I don’t have words, really, to describe how excited I am to know that things haven’t changed. Yes, we both no longer work for the 49ers. And we both no longer live in the same area, but our friendship, it remains. And it is going strong. 

After meeting her out and drinking a bottle of wine by myself, I got home a little before midnight to pack for my trip to MN this weekend. Word to the wise, don’t pack after you’ve been drinking. You’re bound to forget something. Especially when your flight leaves like 7 hours after you get home and you’re not going to be well-rested.

My trip to MN was to see my friend Julie, who had her baby Noe (sounds like Zoe) in January. Julie’s hubby has been out of town for work for quite a few weeks and I thought I’d go up there while he was still away so I could help her out and provide her some adult conversation and a drinking partner.

I also got to see my friend Sharma, who I have known now for almost 14 years. It’s crazy to think that I’ve known her almost half my life. Who would have thought that when she and I met on the dorm floor at ASU during our freshman year that all these years later, we would still be friends? It is crazy how fast life moves.

My weekend was spent sleeping in, relaxing and catching up with my friends and watching hours of television, which is really an ideal weekend for me. Also, we spent a lot of time watching No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel, and I’m not sure why I’m not recording that show. I will be now. I’m also caught up on Real Housewives of NYC as well.

I love babies and I loved meeting Noe, even though I frightened her on Saturday morning since my hair was down instead of up, like it was all day on Friday. Nothing breaks your heart more than a 12 week old baby looking at you and getting the quivering lip and then screaming at the sight of you. I swear people, babies usually love me, so it was heart-breaking for me. But we were back to best friends a few hours later, and we had a fun time playing all day on Sunday.

The last four days were just so much fun. You forget how much you miss close friends, until you spend some time with them. And with all of them, no matter how long it has been since we last talked, we always pick up where we left off and it is always like old times. Those friends are hard to come by and ones I cherish. I think as I get older, I make it a point to keep these friendships going because most of these friends have seen me at my best and my worst and they’ve still stuck around.

Plus, it doesn’t hurt  when some of those friends come complete with toothless, baby smiles.

Category: Gotta Have Friends | 16 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on March 25, 2009

Today was a weird day. When I got into the office this morning, I turned on my computer, like I do every morning. I had to wait a bit longer to log on because Tuesday night when I left, Microsoft informed me it needed to install some updates before shutting down. So I said, “well alrighty, Microsoft. Have at it. I’m blowing this pop stand and going home for some well needed rest and relaxation.” (It sounds better if you say it in a Southern accent like I am doing in my head.)

So this morning when I turned on my computer, I noticed that my laptop and my monitor were totally in a fight. Because they would NOT work together. I couldn’t get the screen to display on the monitor, so I figured I was going to have to work from the laptop today and it’s teeny tiny screen, until the two of them got over their disagreement and we all could get along again.

I was clearly wrong. This was not a tiff. This was a fight. Or a FIGHT. Because when I finally got the monitor to display the contents of my laptop screen, and then ultimately closed the laptop lid, this is what I got.

What in tarnation? Also, yes, my cube is in like the one spot in the office that gets no light. It’s fun for the eyesight!

Do you know how hard it is to move the mouse to close a window or hit the start button when your screen is sideways? Especially first thing in the morning when you’re still very sleepy and haven’t yet had any caffeine? It is very hard.

This went on for about 30 minutes. I restarted several times. Changed settings. Control Alt Deleted that motherfucker until I wore the words off the keys.

Until I realized this was all because of the big FIGHT and that Laptop was feeling unloved by Monitor. And that Monitor didn’t make him feel important enough, having to sit on the desk closed off all day. Only to be taken advantage of through Monitor. And that the only solution, until those two crazy kids work things out, is to have the laptop open and the monitor on. Then everything is fine.

Because seriously? A lover’s spat is the only explanation for this. It is just fucking WEIRD.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me | 23 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on March 24, 2009

Did you know we haven’t heard from Bacon since December? Here it is almost April and we haven’t heard a single thing from him. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HE HAS TO SAY? So much so that I had to cover him in books and blankets to quiet the yelling and screaming and meat-laced profanities.

I actually took Bacon to Arizona with me. Because he was going to be hanging out with old friends, friends he hung out with in San Francisco last May. (That was probably his favorite trip and also one of my favorite posts. It inspired a t-shirt.) But in Arizona, he didn’t make it out of the bag. Well, he did once. I thought Lola, Lori’s dog, would try to eat it. NOM NOM NOM. And that would be funny. Well, not to Bacon. But Lola is afraid of moving things that aren’t alive. Like suitcases that roll. Or Bacon wheels that spin. And even though Lola was afraid, Bacon still soiled himself out of fear and actually requested to be put back in the bag until we landed safely in Chicago. Next time he complains about the cats, I’m going to remind him he’s one of them because he’s a pussy. I mean, how can you be afraid of her?

So for Bacon’s 2009 debut, he’s going to answer some recent Google searches. Only to show all of you the idiots who use Google and the things they ask. The things they ask a search engine.

Embarrassed about scrapbooking

Well, random Google searcher, Bacon says if you’re embarrassed by it, then STOP DOING IT. YOU SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED. Scrapbooking is for losers! (Except any of you reading this that scrapbook. Then you are not losers. Possibly.) Bacon thinks you should “Hang Out With Hash Browns” because Hash Browns are the total losers in the breakfast food category. They drown their sorrows by scrapbooking about living in a world where people eat nothing but Hash Browns for breakfast and have never heard of eggs, sausage or Bacon. You’d fit right in.

Zantac tastes like what candy

Candy? Bacon doesn’t understand why you would want to take something that tastes like candy. Wouldn’t you rather eat Bacon candy? Or take pills that taste like Bacon? Bacon thinks you would, Zantac taker, because if you’re taking Zantac, you shouldn’t be eating Bacon in the first place, since it will only make the problem worse. Bacon knows this because all Kristabella ever talks about is acid reflux and all the things she can’t eat, WAH. But for you, Google searcher wanting to know what candy Zantac tastes like (ed note: none. Also, you’re not supposed to CHEW it), Bacon says you should “Liven Up A Salad.” And Bacon wants to remind you to use a lot of vinegar-based dressing on that salad so that you can eat as many Zantac as you’d like.

Sometimes I hate

Bacon would like to finish this for you. “Sometimes I hate stupid people. Actually, ALL THE TIMES, I hate stupid people.” But Bacon really wonders about this Google searcher. Was she looking for suggestions on what to hate? Did she get called out for being too even-keeled and not hating things? So she was looking for ideas? How hard is it to find things to hate? Bacon thinks she should hate the computer and never go on it again looking for things to hate. Bacon also thinks she should “Shrivel” into the cushions of her couch and stay there for all of time. Or until someone vacuums up her ashen remains.

Getting home now…what a tired day

These are the types of searches that make Bacon’s meat head explode. It is stupidity like this that reminds Bacon that he’s better off just chilling out on the coffee table and having a three month hiatus from this blog. Because Bacon wants to remind this person that Google is NOT TWITTER. That box on the Google homepage is a SEARCH box. Not a “here’s what I’m doing right now” box. Google does not ask you what you are doing. Google does not care. Google provides answers. And his only answer to this one is the same as Bacon’s – “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” where B stands for BACK AWAY FROM THE GOOGLE HOMEPAGE. And stop typing butt-ass stupid things in the Google search box.

See, aren’t we all glad to have Bacon back in our lives?

Category: Bacon | 22 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on March 23, 2009

You know, if I was a reader of my own blog and I saw this title come up in Google Reader, I would probably not keep reading. But I’m bad at titles! So keep reading! Or not.

(I’m sure this will not be a featured post on the BlogHer ad network. Or they’ll change my title for me. They’re nice like that.)

So it is a well-documented fact that I am lazy. I am President of The Club for Lazy. And not only am I the President, but I’m also a client. In fact Kim and I decided we should start a Lazy Club. We exchanged many an email about it. But that’s about as far as we got because we didn’t want to do any work for it. She automatically made me the President because she had to pawn any work off on me. And I immediately forgot all about it because it required effort. We are clearly model members.

Anyway, tonight as I walked up my stairs into my apartment I thought “Hmmm, that’s odd. I seem to have some sort of weird pulling sensation in the back of my legs.”

And then I took a few more steps and thought out loud “Well that’s odd. My legs seem to be sore, as if I have done some sort of physical activity. This is odd.”

As I made my way to the couch, to melt into the cushions and match up perfectly with my permanent ass print, I was very perplexed. How on Earth could my hamstrings be so sore. Was I running in my sleep? Did I sleepwalk and stand against the wall for the majority of the night? Did I become unconscious at work and someone put me in a permanent squat position? Did the cats carry 20 pound weights onto the backs of my thighs while I slept? How can this be explained?

There is no explanation. This is clearly the first documented case of an injury caused by laziness. (See? This is why I’m President of the Lazy Club. Don’t try and run against me. You will lose.)

It can be easily explained. I spent 90 percent of the weekend in bed, napping and watching TV, hoping to kick this damn cold  I’ve had for three weeks to the curb (shh! Don’t tell my friend Julie I’m sick. Or she won’t let me hold the cutest baby ever when I go up to visit them on Friday. Click here so you too can see the cutest baby ever!) (Julie, I’ll totally be fine by Friday. Promise.)

Anyway, I spent a lot of time sleeping. And not moving. And come Sunday, all the things (dishes) I had to do on Saturday (dishes) were piling up (dishes). So I spent my now weekly 25 minutes standing at the sink doing dishes. And I’m telling you, I’m pretty sure the STANDING and washing dishes gave me sore hamstrings. An injury from LAZINESS. Put that down in the Guinness Book of World Records. Mmmmm……..beer.

I have an excuse. I can’t even walk up three flights of stairs without having a coughing fit. This cough has kicked my ass. (Totally will be gone by Friday, Julie!) So for the last week and a half, just the half-block walk to my car has made me cough so hard I almost threw up. Saturday night I walked down to Subway, a block away, and once I got there, proceeded to cough all over the whole store! You’re welcome, patrons, for your mucus that came on your five dollar foot long!

But I am feeling much better. I have to say (and no I’m not being paid for it) Mucinex is a life saver. That shit is worth the price of the world’s grossest commercials. I feel 100 times better after taking it for one day.

So now maybe I can avoid the bed sores that are soon to come from this prolonged stretch of extreme laziness. And maybe now I can get a little more exercise. At least more than walking back and forth from the living room to the kitchen to refill my wine juice glass.

Category: The Lazies | 26 Comments »
Tags: