Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on March 22, 2009

First off, I would like to say thank you to each and every one of you who read my last post and commented. I am lucky to have such awesome readers and ones that will calm my fears and let me know that this whole house delay thing is all normal and that I will be JUST FINE. It honestly made me feel so much better to know that this has happened to some of you and that these delays are nothing out of the ordinary. Even if my mom is all “I told you it would be fine. Why did you have to ask the internet?”

I actually had dinner with my realtor last Thursday and she’s been talking to my Lender Guy as well and she’s not concerned. She thinks we’ll still close this Thursday (HOLY SHIT! I HAVE DONE NOTHING!) and that everything will go as planned. Maybe I should like do things I’m supposed to in preparation for that. That is, if I knew what I was supposed to do in preparation for that. I assume they will want some money.

So thank you, all of you, again for your comments and being so supportive. I will definitely keep you posted this week when I (hopefully) will be signing a lot of papers! SQUEEEEE!

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I know my posting has been pretty sparse lately. Real life seems to be getting in the way, what with vacations and travel and being sick and sleeping for 18 hours in one day. And I’m OK with real life getting in the way. I mean, maybe that means I will be out and about and happen to run into Mr. Right and will have a date some time this decade. So far, all that has happened in real life is plenty of drinking. Which, I’m also OK with.

Which is basically me saying “I’ve been busy and my life is so boring even Bacon can’t spice it up and make it interesting.” I promise, I’ll keep making myself write so that eventually I have something of interest to say.

Otherwise, I will have to talk about acid reflux. Because it’s been awhile since we discussed that topic in depth.

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So I got this comment on my blog this weekend:

And as soon as I saw it in my inbox, I knew it was a spam comment. I mean, I’m pretty sure no one is mean enough to name their kid Fondant Icing Recipes. That’s just cruel.

And since it escaped the spam filter, I actually read it to see what they said. I mean, maybe Fondant Icing Recipes really likes my site. And he was logged in to WordPress on his Fondant Icing Recipes blog and forgot to change the information in the comment box when he commented over here. It could happen.

But then I saw what he said. And then I got mad! How dare you, Icing Guy, insinuate that I plagiarized! This is ALL MY WRITINGS! All these words of drivel are ALL MINE!

What the fuck is up with spam commenters getting a little judgey and accusatory? And especially on this post, where Icing Guy commented, which isn’t even a post that I want to claim that I wrote, since it is so bad. I mean, I talked about my cat Twittering for Christ’s sake. If you’re going to ask my if it is my own writing, at least ask me on a good post.

So because of that, I’m going to list Frosting Guy’s email address in this post, in only the hopes that he’ll get spammed to hell and think twice about leaving douchey spam comments. What happened to just talking about penis enlargements or sex videos like good spambots do?

Calling all Spambots, please spam Frosting Guy at fondantf@FondantFrosting.com. If that’s his real email address.

And really, why would that comment even make me even remotely interested in reading your Fondant Icing Recipes site? Also, what the hell is Fondant Frosting? Please don’t let it be some euphemism for some sort of dirty sex tape.

Category: All Things Blogging | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 17, 2009

So remember back when I used to post regularly and all I used to talk about was condo shopping and acid reflux? And then I stopped posting regularly and you were all “thank GOD! I cannot read any more about burny and mortgages and home inspections.”

Well guess what? Now I’m trying to get back to posting regularly and I’m going to talk about houses and reflux! Well not really reflux. Because I have tamed it CONSIDERABLY. If I eat the foods that don’t have acid, I’m fine. I can still drink loads of alcohol, which means that my stomach is totally my friend again. He is no longer sleeping on the couch. Now if my friend would allow some salsa, we’d so be back to being BFFs.

But really I wanted to talk about my condo. Because I probably haven’t mentioned it in a long time. Plus I really need to write this so you can all tell me not to freak out because that is exactly what I’m doing.

So the process is in motion. The contract went through attorney review and I talked with my lender and got things going on the money end. And then Lender Dude sent me the paperwork for the loans, which I proceeded to open at 11 PM, right before I went to bed on a weeknight. And since this paperwork wasn’t coming from the dude I had been talking to on the phone, but from the office in Rhode Island, the estimates for things were NOT WHAT HE TOLD ME. And when I say that, I mean that the closing costs on the paperwork were estimated to be about $6,000 more than I was told by my Lender Dude. That would be $6,000 more than I have. So I proceeded to lose my shit. Right before bed time. Needless to say, I DID NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT. Note to people out there, do not open anything containing documents for large sums of money right before bed. Although, I feel like I don’t even have to tell you all that because I think that’s just common sense and I’m just a fucking idiot. But I was EXCITED! Excited to panicky tears.

After I talked to him and others, I calmed down. He told me they estimate it all at the highest possible amount. And they aren’t in the Chicago area, so they don’t know the fees. And what he told me way back when I started this is a lot closer to what it should be on closing day. At least I hope it is because oh hai, I can haz no extraz moneyz.

I am set to close in a little over a week, on Thursday, March 26. I say set to close because of the aforementioned mortgage. See, apparently my mortgage is still in underwriting. I have no idea what any of this means, I just know I’ve heard those words before and no one else seems to be freaking the fuck out. All I know is that my mortgage contingency date was March 6. And we’ve had to ask for extensions twice and there is still no word. So since no one else seems to be freaking out, I am freaking for the lot of them!

According to my attorney, who I love and will probably hug inappropriately at closing, Lender Dude says there is nothing wrong with the loans or with me and that the underwriting people are just taking forever these days. Probably because there is like one of them because they had to fire the rest of them because who the hell buys houses in a recession?

So everyone keeps telling me not to worry. And common sense says that if they weren’t going to give me the money, they wouldn’t be going through all this work. And yet? I cannot stop fretting. Because I love MY condo. And I need to move out of this fucking apartment. I cannot take one more day of these pot-smoking assholes. It is non-stop now. Like they’ve thrown all common decency out the window. They are up partying until the wee hours of the morning EVERY DAMN DAY. And their stoned out neighbors do NOT know the difference between 26 and 27 as they constantly ring my VERY LOUD buzzer when I am sleeping. I have half a mind to ring their buzzer on them at 8 AM when I’m leaving in the morning JUST TO SHOW THEM HOW IT FEELS.

Hopefully I hear back in the next day or two about the loan and everything moves along as it was supposed to. Until then, I haven’t done anything I need to do, and won’t until it is final. Because I’m not going down to the apartment office and throwing a royal fit because I have to move out NOW because of the WORST NEIGHBORS and that I just can’t take it any more, only to go back to them the next day and beg them to let me move back in after a profanity-laced tirade.

So please tell me I have nothing to worry about and that the dishwasher liquid I’ve already purchased will be put to good use. PLEASE! I cannot take these dishpan hands any longer!

Category: House Hunting | 36 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 15, 2009

I have gotten into a very bad habit of not writing on my blog. It makes me a little sad and also a little mad. Mostly because I’m a creature of habit and if I stop doing something, I stop doing something. Like for good. Ask my cats about their litterbox. And if the kitchen sink could talk, who boy, could he tell you some stories about the dishes I’ve let pile up there for weeks. Oh yes, I said weeks.

Bottom line? I’m a lazy mother fucker. But as I learned today in my laziness, in watching hours and hours of television that has been piling up in my DVR, lazy people are efficient. So says the he-she on The Real World. She said that lazy people are the most efficient because we don’t like to do things twice, so we get it done right the first time. And I was like “you know what he-she, I really hate you on this show and wish you would wear more clothes and I SO do not want to hear about your gender reassignment surgery, but that, my friend, is GENIUS.”

And seriously, there should be some sort of collar that zaps you that won’t let you watch The Real World when you’re seven years past even being eligible for the show. But there is a new Challenge starting in April and I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT! If only because the contestants on that show are much closer in age to me, therefore it is perfectly acceptable to watch them make asses of themselves.

This was so not the point of this post. Not that it had a point, as you can tell from the title. It was never going to have direction. But at least I was hoping for cohesive thoughts. ANYWAY, the point of me telling you that I’m lazy, which you’re all well aware of by now, is that I am lazy and also a creature of habit. I like routine and when I get out of a routine, my world goes all wonky. Which is part of the reason I have been so non-existent on my own blog.

I have been super busy. And when I’m busy, it throws off my whole routine. And then I get tired and crabby. And then apparently, I also get sick. Which is why I’m currently battling my second cold in as many weeks. I’m guessing all those airplanes and airports and germy people caught up to me. So all my free time has been spent sleeping and trying to get better and NOT writing blog posts and NOT washing dishes and NOT going grocery shopping.

But now that I’ve had a weekend to just lie around and catch up on my TV, I’m back into my routine. In fact, I can feel the energy returning to my body, to all my nerve endings, with every keystroke.

I wanted to actually talk about my trip to Arizona. But seeing as I’ve been back a whole week, it seems kind of silly. I mean, aren’t most vacation posts silly? Where you tell everyone how awesome it was to not be at work and are able drink beer in the middle of the day and sleep until noon and enjoy sunshine in March, all whilst your hometown is drowning in five inches of rain? I mean, that’s only fun for me. And the people that I was visiting in Arizona.

But the trip was phenomenal. And it was just what I needed. It pretty much cemented the fact that in the near future, I will be moving to Arizona (as long as Lori still lives there). Because every time I visit them, I am sad to leave. And I’m a homebody who enjoys her house and her routine (see above rambley paragraphs). I am always ready to come home from vacation and sleep in my own bed. But not when I hang out with Lori and Mike. I’m always sad to come home. And to me that means I shouldn’t constantly be leaving a place, and people, that make me so happy.

I also learned on this trip that tomatoes and anything made with them are just pure evil. Because while I’ve  had my heartburn in check, I didn’t actually realize it was because I was eating a diet of very bland, non-acid causing foods. (I’ve actually been trying to be very good about what I put in my mouth.) And while it is good to know that following an acid reflux diet does help, it is also not good to eat your weight in salsa over a weekend. While it tastes good going down, it will not be pleasant 5 hours later when you’re breathing fire and singeing the eyebrows of your friends and fellow bar patrons.

So in conclusion (there is no good way to end this post and I need to go to bed so I don’t get another cold), I am lazy, need routine and am going to try to post more. Because you know what? We have not heard from Bacon in awhile. And he has things to say.

Category: Land of Random | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 11, 2009

I think the universe hates me. It has been a rough week. And from what I can tell, it is only Wednesday. I’m not exactly sure. I’m currently sitting in the Pittsburgh airport, waiting for my DELAYED flight, pretty convinced it is Thursday. That might be because I’m tired and my plans to get home at a decent hour tonight were FOILED by my plane being delayed. I was supposed to take off an hour ago. And since it is an hour flight, that means I SHOULD BE ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW.

Well, I am on the ground right now. I’m just in the wrong state. I’m stuck in Pittsburgh. And while it is an OK town to come to for a company meeting, I would really like to get home. I really miss my bed. And I didn’t leave a lot of food for the cats. 

And then there is the fact that I’m currently coughing. Coughing like I’m trying to expel a small alien child from my lungs. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve spent quite a lot of time on airplanes in the last week. I’m also sure it has nothing to do with the girl who sat next to me in the meeting all day today, who had an eerily similar cough. Apparently my need to belong is so strong that I can pick up a cold in a few hours time! I RULE! (Seriously, felt fine after lunch, then WHAM! About 4 PM, I got the coughs.)

This is all I can talk about. Because I’m tired and whiny and oh, lawd, could my mom tell you some stories about tired, whiny Kristin. I should have won some sort of contest. Where the prize was a punch in the face, I’d imagine. 

And no one will be sympathetic to MY PAIN! I called my brother and tried whining to him and he’s all “Skyler, pick that ice up!” And I’m like “who cares about ice, I’m tiiiirrreeeeddd! WAH! Pay attention to me!” 

Is it any wonder I’m still single? Really? 

And then my brother was all “I’m tired too. Because I’m unemployed and just TOOK A NAP!” So I had to stop him. Because I have the ground covered on Johnsons and unemployment. You CANNOT play that card with me, sir. Especially since my “unemployed” brother, my brother who was given his notice in February, but then got paid until March 6, but didn’t have to go in to work for those weeks, just got a job. Like literally, he has been unemployed for THREE FUCKING DAYS. And he’s got a job already. Which, YAY! I am very excited about! But also, WAH! I’m tiiiiiirrrreeeeddd! Also, you cannot complain about being unemployed for three days. And choosing to take a week off before you start again. And pocketing your WHOLE severance. 

Because I’m STUCK IN PITTSBURGH! And tiiirrreeeeeedddd! And now randomly sick! AGAIN!

See how awesome of a sister I am? But I am really happy for him. I was extra worried for him because he has two kids and my SIL doesn’t work. So I’m glad it all worked out, he got some time off, time to spend with his kids, and now is going back to work at a job he sounds like he will really enjoy. See, I can be nice. It isn’t always complaining and whining up in here.

And hey, at least I’m not talking about breastfeeding.

P.S. I give the Pittsburgh airport MAD PROPS for free WiFi.

Category: Whine & Cheese | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on March 10, 2009

So I’m back from vacation. And I feel like I’m moving around in a fog, like I’m in a dream because I’m not exactly sure what day it is, or what time it is. Because after spending about 36 hours in Chicago, I hopped a plane to Pittsburgh for work and I literally am totally confused. But that’s probably mostly because I decided not to set my watch ahead an hour, since I’m only here for 30 hours. So now I think it is a lot earlier.

Last week, before I left for vacation, was a blur. Work was busy, I had one thousand errands to run, a sinkful of dishes to wash (seriously, that dishwasher in the new place CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH), cats to feed, laundry to do, pub trivia night, pedicures to get and oh my God I’m just stressed thinking about all that.

Vacation was awesome! I want to write a post about it, but I really need to get to bed. Oh, but wait! I can’t! Because I’m not tired! Because my body is like “WHAT FUCKING TIME ZONE ARE WE IN? FUCKING PICK ONE AND STAY IN IT!”

And really? My body has a damn point. Did you know Arizona doesn’t change time for daylight savings? They never change their clocks. They are like “what the hell is spring forward, fall back? Fall back into what? A pile of laundry?” So, this is awesome because I didn’t lose an hour of vacation. As much as my iPhone wanted to steal it from me, jumping ahead an hour and robbing me of an hour of sleep! (Seriously, I thought those things were programmed by computers. What happened iPhone? Did you forget where you were?)

So because they don’t change time, I went, in a span of a few days, from being in Mountain time, one hour behind of Chicago, to Pacific time, which is two hours behind Chicago. AND on top of that, Chicago did spring forward, which means I’m always thinking it is an hour earlier. I’m in a constant state of Mountain time with no awesome weather to show for it.

I landed at 10 PM on Sunday and got home about 11:30. Because Midway airport has the worst baggage claim ever. This is a notice to you flying in there for BlogHer. It trumps O’Hare in 100 different ways, it is my preferred airport to travel in an out of, but you will wait forever for your bag. And of course, when I got home, my body was like IT IS 8:30! Let’s have a party! And the cats were all “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? We are like almost out of food! We were going to have to start eating each other! Now pet us, woman!”

So I did and we all had a grand time until I realized it was after 1 AM and I had to actually get up and go to work on Monday. Imagine that! So I told myself that I needed to get to bed early on Monday night, what with going to Pittsburgh on Tuesday, but then Monday night is pub trivia night, which means I have to consume some very bad vodka drinks (it’s for the team), which normally makes me tired. Except the night when I NEED to go to bed and can’t because my poor body is used to drinking a lot and staying up late and it was only 8:30 PM in Arizona at that point!

And now I’m in Pittsburgh. Where it is an hour later, which means I might as well be living in London right now because what time is it there? Is it even still March? Is it summer? Is it Friday yet?

This was basically a long post telling you I’m tired and confused. You’re welcome.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 13 Comments »
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