Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on April 13, 2009

Today has been a rough day. I woke up this morning to news that little Thalon Myers had died. Shana and her family have been asking for our prayers since the weekend, when he went into the hospital. And I prayed. I prayed hard. Because we lost another baby less than a week ago and no parent should have to bury their child. I was in church on Sunday and even though I am a heathen, I asked God to help little Thalon and his mommy. I prayed for God to hear me and make that little boy well.

Babies shouldn’t die. Babies are adorable, they smell good, they are innocent and bring joy to so many people. Babies shouldn’t die. Parents shouldn’t bury their kids. This much heartbreak and sadness in a week should be outlawed.

My heart breaks for Shana and her family. I have never met Shana in person, but we became blog friends at the end of last year. I immediately fell in love with her and her adorable kids and her sense of humor. I wanted to make a trip to Oklahoma because I was sure that once we met in person, we would be fast friends and drinking buddies for life.

I don’t understand why these things happen. No one ever will. But I want to make it easier for Shana and her husband Rich and their two little girls, Thalon’s sisters, who were the proudest big sisters. Because I can’t even imagine what they are going through. I can’t fathom the devastating loss.

My heart is heavy. It has been a hard week for everyone on the internet. But as sad and broken as we are, it is such an amazing community that we are apart of. How so many people have rallied around these two families who have lost their babies, helping in any way they can, is amazing. These two families have millions of people out in the world, strangers and friends, praying for them and hoping that one day, it will get easier. All we want to do is make it easier for them. It’s all we can do.

I wish we could do more. I wish we could all erase their pain, but I know that isn’t possible. I wish I could take some of that pain away, and that they could burden me with it. If only it were that easy.

But all we can do is keep Shana and her family in our thoughts and prayers. And help out in any way that we can, help them get through this hard time.

If you would like to help the Myers family with costs and expenses, Sarah has set up a PayPal account where you can donate. Click here and find the Love for Thalon donate button in the sidebar.

To Maddie and Thalon up there in heaven, you two be sure that you look out for your mommies. They’re going to need all the added strength they can get in the coming weeks and months.

And for the rest of us, let’s vow to be nicer, more understanding, more loving. And hug our friends and family a little bit tighter so they know how much they are loved.

Category: All Things Blogging | 13 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on April 12, 2009

So did everyone have a good Easter weekend? Or Passover weekend? I haven’t posted since Wednesday night, so I think I can still be OK asking how everyone’s Passover was. Even though I need to go back and check Metalia’s Ask A Jew series so I can know exactly what you were celebrating and the time frame and details.

My Easter was OK. I got up early and went to church with my mom and my Grandma. I do it only to please my Grandma because she thinks I’m a heathen. She’s partly right. I mean, me of the drunkenness and unmarried sex and birth control taking. I AM A HEATHEN. Also, making comments during church doesn’t really help me remove the heathen title from my moniker. Especially when the Priest talks about God being someone for everyone, no matter race or gender. I almost stood up to yell “BUT NOT SEXUAL PREFERENCE!” but didn’t want to make my poor, old 85-year old Grandma drop dead in church. On Easter of all days.

We had dinner at my Aunt’s and it was good. We met my sister’s new boyfriend. He was very nice and cute and a MARKED IMPROVEMENT over the last one. I guess he was super nervous to meet us, which is to be expected, but really, since the last one was a ginormous douchebag, we didn’t have very high expectations. I mean, as long as you didn’t do drugs and didn’t beat my sister up, I am going to like you. As you can imagine, since he was so nice and good with my nephew, we all loved him to pieces.

The day was good until I got home. I was bringing up my leftovers and my Wine Club shipments (which get shipped to Gram’s, so I had 2 months to pick up YAY!), unpacking everything and just settling in for the night when I heard one of the asshole cats puking. I wasn’t sure what they were puking up since, well, um, I kind of ran out of food this morning. I did pick up food on the way home, but what the fuck were they eating during the day that made them puke? Cat hair? Lint? Paint chips?

Little did I know that the puking I heard was NOT THE FIRST OCCURRENCE. I came back into the living room and I noticed that little bitch puked on my coat. ON MY COAT! MY DRY CLEAN ONLY COAT! Can the dry cleaning chemicals even get out the cat puke enough to where I would even want to wear this coat again? It is one of my most favorite coats. I AM LIVID!

So to cool down, I went into my bedroom to get out my clothes for tomorrow and just get away from those fuckers. And that’s when I noticed that the coat was the least of my worries. Because there, on the corner of my bed, was a pile of cat vomit. CAT VOMIT ON MY BED! ON MY NEW DUVET COVER! THROUGH TO THE DOWN COMFORTER! WHAT WILL I SLEEP WITH TONIGHT!

And then I lost my shit. I locked those two fuckers in the bathroom. And yes, I know, they are cats and have no idea what they were being punished for. But I will tell you that Kitty Kitty, the girl cat, she hides when she does something wrong. She is fully aware when she does something bad that I will get mad at her for. I looked for her after she puked on the coat and she was hidden. Somewhere. She knows it is wrong and yet she DOES IT ANYWAY!

And let me remind you…NO FOOD! WHAT WERE THEY THROWING UP?

So I was going to wait to feed them until the morning, sending them to bed without dinner and punishing them some more, but then I calmed down, stopped crying and realized that maybe the no food thing led to the puking. Which I GET IT CATS! I LEARNED MY LESSON! I will never run out of food again!

Cats 1, Kristabella 0.

Category: Crazy Cat Lady | 13 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on April 8, 2009

I had plans to write something funny tonight, but I just can’t. My heart is broken and heavy with hurt.

As most of you know, last night Madeline Alice Spohr, the beautiful, happy baby of Heather and Mike Spohr, passed away. She was only 17 months old.

I consider Heather to be a friend of mine. I had the pleasure of meeting her and her hubby Mike last year at BlogHer and there was an instant connection. Her blog was immediately added into my Google Reader when I got home. I fell in love with their daughter Maddie and Heather’s hilarious writings about their sweet daughter.

The love that Heather and Mike have for their daughter is evident. Maddie was the center of their world. I’m posting this link to my favorite Maddie post. Because you can just see how much of a joy she was and how she loved life and just how adorable she is.

It just reminds you how fragile life is and what is truly important. Work and guys at bars and dirty rugs aren’t important. What is important is your family and your friends.

I am so heartbroken for them, I don’t have the words. I can’t even imagine what they are going through. And I wish I could do something, anything. If I knew hopping a plane to LA would help out at all, I would do it.

But Heather has asked that we donate to March of Dimes in honor of Maddie. So please, help donate. To honor the memory of their little girl.

(Photo borrowed from Heather’s Flickr stream.)

Goodbye sweet Maddie. The world isn’t going to be as bright without you in it.

Category: All Things Blogging | 14 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on April 5, 2009

So what did you all do this weekend? I’m hoping that those of you who don’t live in Chicago had a nice Sunday. We did not. As it is currently snowing and we are actually expecting a measurable snowfall tonight and tomorrow. And then it will be over 50 degrees in a few days, which means it will all melt. This will teach me to call Spring a pussy. I think I crossed the line, huh Winter?

My weekend was busy, had me making an ass out of myself and was filled with plenty of drinking. And further evidence that I am indeed in my 30s and that I cannot drink heavily one night and plan to get back to the drinking the next night. My liver and stomach revolt and then I get sleepy.

On Friday night, a friend of mine was guest bartending at a bar in my neighborhood. It was actually the same bar that we went to every Monday for the trivia tournament. Which we won, by the way. My friend was giving half of his tips from the night to charity, so it was drinking for a good cause. Although I don’t ever actually need a reason to drink.

They had a wristband deal, where for $30 you could drink all the beer and well drinks you could down in three hours. But knowing myself and knowing I had another party to go to on Saturday night, I opted against the wristband. Which was just really stupid because I drank way more than $30 worth. Chalk one up to stupidity. I know myself better than that. That many hours in a bar will usually equal a drunk Kristin.

So because I’m familiar with this bar from weeks of trivia, I’m also familiar with the people who work there. The guy who buses tables knows me, as does the bar manager guy. We’ll call him Sven. We had a running joke where every week when I came in to grab a table for my team was going to be the week he remembered my team name. I would always quiz him and he’d never remember it. So I would give him shit every week for not remembering (we sat at nearly the same table every week and HELLO, I’m also cute and tall!). He did finally remember on the last week, which was good since he handed us over our cash winnings.

Anyway, I have a wee little crush on Sven. I mentioned it to a few people, noting that I had never seen him without a hat on. And since he has a beard, I had these visions of him being totally bald with a beard, like a charachter on a Guess Who? tile. And well, as my mom says “I can find very Seinfeldian reasons to not be attracted to someone.”

Since I knew I would see him on Friday night, I made sure I put on deodorant and may have even brushed my teeth. I tried to wear flattering clothes, but then I remembered I am fat and my face looks like it was inflated with air like a hot air balloon. So I did the best I could do. Remembering that it is really dark in that bar.

As I was walking up to the bar, I saw him through the window and I may have squeed on the inside because NO HAT! AND he has hair! BONUS! And then I played it cool. Mostly because I was catching up with my friend Jess and also because I wasn’t sure he’d recognize me outside of trivia. Even though we were always pretty flirty with each other. Also, I’m a chicken. But I figured I would just do my patented “tell everyone around me that I think aguy is cute, stare at him across the dark bar and hope he comes to talk to me” move since that is clearly a strategy that works for me.

We had a fun night. I drank a lot of beer. The liquid courage was flowing. My friend Lara was enlisted on the cause. She was on my trivia team and we were both kind of mesmerized at the hotness of Sven without a hat on. Which made me feel better and that I’m not just so desperate that a man with hair gets my motor running. Also, I can’t believe I just typed that.

After the guest bartending ended, we made plans to go to another bar. As Jess and I were leaving, it was decided (by Jess) that I was going to go back in and give him my phone number. (We left the bar, stood outside in front of the windows for all to see, and then went back inside. Which I’m sure everyone witnessed.) I think I’ve given out my number a total of 3 times in my whole life. All while drunk. All in bars. And all ending with no one ever calling me. So I gave Jess a pen and she wrote my number on a napkin and then I had to figure out something sexy and flirty to say to him when I gave it to him. Because after 10 beers, sexy and flirty are so the things that describe me. Hell, that doesn’t even describe me sober.

Earlier in the night we talked to Sven about trivia and it took everything in my power not to run my fingers through his hair. (Seriously, I was so EXCITED he had hair! And was so damn adorable!) I went in to lick his face mid-conversation, but thankfully Jess stopped me and he was none the wiser.

So we figured when I handed him my number, I should say something about trivia, since it was something we had in common and had talked about it. Before I did it, I asked my guy friend if that would be a good in, or a stupid line. He seemed to think it would be good, something we have in common, but also with a PHONE NUMBER so hopefully it would be implied that I wasn’t talking about TRIVIA at all.

After Jess wrote out a second napkin because she spelled my name wrong the first time, I marched my nervous, drunk ass up to him and slurred “When you know something about the trivia dates, give me a call.” And then I probably winked or tried to do something “sexy” with my eyes, which again, 10 beers in, isn’t going to be hot at all. (It all makes me cringe days later.)

And then I think I ran out squealing like a school girl because I’m just an asshole. And this is why I don’t ever give my phone number to people in bars. (And also why no one ever calls back.) Especially people who work at the bar. At bars I would like to go back to. And bars that I will be going back to when trivia stars up again.

My eyebrow wax lady says I should be all about The Secret and the positive energy and thinking it will happen and all that crap. I’m trying. But I’m Full of Snark, not Full of Sunshine and Puppies and Rainbows.

And as I sat on my couch all day today in my pajamas, still wearing last night’s make-up, drinking sugar-free Kool-Aid, eating cheese out of a can and watching endless reality television, including Real Housewives, I Love Money and Rock of Love WhoreBus, I realized maybe there’s a reason why I’m still single. Maybe I smell of Spinster.

So how was your weekend?

:::

Finally, do any of you know someone who needs a roommate for BlogHer? My internet buddy Darceyis looking for a roommate and I told her I would spread the word for her. I’ve never met her in person, but I can vouch that through many emails and IMs, she is not crazy. Let me know in the comments if you know of anyone!

Category: Spinsterville Here I Come | 24 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on April 2, 2009

Ahhh, Spring. Everyone loves Spring, right? I mean, I know people who live in places with brutal winters love Spring. Because the worst is behind us! It will be warm again! I’ll need to shave my legs soon!

I decided I kind of hate Spring. I mean, Spring is kind of a moody bitch. She’s got some severe mood swings that are hard to take. Only in Spring in Chicago can you have a day that is in the 70s followed by fucking six inches of snow. Oh yeah, you heard me. We had snow in Chicago this past weekend. I got to miss it because oddly enough, I think this was the only instance in the history of weather that it snowed in Chicago and yet it was sunny and mild in Minneapolis.

When Spring first peeks her head around the corner, you love her. You want to marry her and tongue-kiss her in front of a Priest! Because you love her that much and you WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, no matter if they are grossed out by your displays of affection!

But then Spring gets scared. Because all of a sudden, overnight, Spring is an instant celebrity. And people are chasing her and the paparazzi are trying to snap photos of her drunk in the club, so then Spring goes away. She freaks the fuck out, loses her shit everywhere and forces Winter back on us. And Winter is a protective asshole. And he doesn’t like people who upset Spring, so he reminds you that YOU MUST BE NICE TO SPRING, OR I WILL MAKE IT SNOW IN JULY.

And we listen. Oh boy do we listen. But then we forget. Because a few days/weeks/months later, Spring comes back. And we start pulling out the short-sleeved tops and the lighter jackets. We pack away the wool coats and the scarves and the mittens. We lock our fake Uggs away, hoping to never wear them again. We are happy! We are sunny! We are optimistic! The world is our oyster! And we have Spring to thank! Yay Spring!

But then shy little Spring acts like a bitch again and runs and hides and whines about how we all love her. Oh, poor you, Spring. It must be so hard to be loved by millions. Cry me a fucking river. And play me a tune on this tiny violin here.

So Winter comes back. But not as bad. He just cools it down a bit. Even Winter has a heart and knows extended periods of bitter cold and snow will make people stabby. And Winter doesn’t like to be responsible for people turning into cold-blooded killers. Winter is still upset that they pinned that Seasonal Affective Disorder on him. Like it’s his fault people are SAD. “Eat some vegetables, people!” Winter says. But he comes back to protect Spring the pussy and reminds us that we are not out of the woods yet and if we do not change our ways, Spring will never be sprung again. We’re so on notice, Winter tells us.

And then we’re all like “fuck this rollercoaster!” Because we know eventually Summer will be here. And Summer is one confident bitch and she loves the attention. She can also be mean and horrible with her heat and humidity when she’s PMSing, but she knows that we will always love her. She loves Winter more than anyone because everyone is always talking about HER in Winter! Because they can’t wait for her to arrive in style! She’s a famewhore and damn proud of it! We love you Summer! Squeee!

So finally Spring will come around again, slowly but surely, a little at a time. And she might be here to stay, she might not. It all depends on if she took her meds. But eventually we get to the point where we’re all meh about it because we’re not playing her fucking games anymore. Which is exactly what she wants because the less attention Spring gets, the more likely she is to stick around and not go cry like a whiny bitch to Winter.

Until then I’ll just fucking bitch about it because I never have the right coat for this weather. So make up your mind Spring! I’m tired of the extremes. But I mean that in a nice way! I don’t want to upset you! We don’t need snow in April, right Winter?

Category: Land of Random, Weather dot com | 25 Comments »
Tags: