Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on May 20, 2009

So as I was driving home this evening, I had to stop at the pet store. Because I had another cat pee incident last night, after getting home from an awesome evening with Hotfessional. I saw that little bitch of a cat sniffing around the laundry basket. I watched her, waiting to see if she was going to squat to pee and she didn’t. Yay for small victories, right?

WRONG. Because I went over to check out the laundry and I got a whiff of piss. And then I looked at the grey pants I was wearing on Monday, the pants on top of the pile, and they had stains all over them. She apparently drank the entire bowl of water and then expelled it all over my pants.

But anyway, I’m not here to talk about that. Because Ali said today that her pet peeve is people talking about their cats and clearly this was her way of telling me to STOP TALKING ABOUT MY CATS AND THEIR URINE. (Click the link to see the tiniest feet ever!)

Anyway, as I was driving for the 10th time to Petco in as many days, I started thinking about the pot smokers from my old place. I drove past something in a forest preserve that smelled oddly of pot and I thought “boy, do I not miss those fuckers one bit.” And then I started thinking some more and I was like “you know what? I don’t have the night time munchies as much now either.”

Coincidence? I think not.

Now granted, it is probably all in my head. And I’ve also been way busier in my new place than I was pre-move at the old place. I’m still settling in here and unpacking and cleaning up cat piss (I AM SORRY ALI! I CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!) And it’s spring in Chicago which means for some reason, I’m busier and have things to do after work besides going to the pet store. (Which is probably part of the reason why there is so much cat pee. Because she’s a bitch like that.) But anyway, there is a lot less right-before-bedtime eating going on.

See, I always just figured the fact that I was ALWAYS hungry at 11 PM at the old place was because I was still up at 11 PM. And my body was like “FOOD TIME NOW! We’ve gone hours with no food!” (This actually goes a long way in explaining why my pants don’t fit.) But seriously, even when I was trying to be so good and eating sensibly all day, all of a sudden, come 10 PM, I was STARVING. Which, coincidentally,  is also the time the friends of the pot heads started coming round and ringing the WRONG BUZZER.

At the old place, just about the time I was finishing up my blog post for the evening (yes I set it to post later than I write it! Huzzah! Blogging secrets revealed!), I would ransack the kitchen cabinets for anything and everything I could find. String cheese? YES PLEASE! String cheese covered in peanut butter and then dipped in pudding! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

So I would just snack and snack and snack. In my head I was like “at least I’m snacking on something healthy.” But really, dumbass, when you eat a half-jar of peanut butter, that is not doing you any favors. Especially since you’re going right to bed.

But this week, so far, I’ve noticed a change. I’ve eaten a sensible dinner, the same dinner I would have made in the apartment and here we are, 10 PM, and I’m still full. I have no desire to break open the peanut butter jar. In fact, the peanut butter has sat unopened in my cupboard since Sunday. THAT NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! Seriously, I had to STOP buying peanut butter.

I’m sure there are other factors. Stress over cat pee, stress over the fact I’m stimulating the economy all by myself through my purchases at Target and the fact that I’ve made so many trips to the store on my way home from work that I don’t eat dinner until much later.

But whatever, I’m so blaming it on the pot heads. Because words can not express the joy in my heart at the mere fact that I do not have to live above them any more.

Category: Crazy Cat Lady, The Hizzouse | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 18, 2009

Sometimes the internet sucks. It is a place filled with drama and mean people and trolls and assvice. But overall, the internet is a good place. Because when the internet is being an asshole, you have your group of Usuals who will commiserate with you and be your sounding board. Because really, unless you’re not invested and heavily involved in the interwebs, half the shit I talk about probably doesn’t make much sense. Ask my mom. I try and fill her in and then I can actually see her head spinning through email.

Anyway, sometimes the internet is so awesome and it reminds you why you joined the blogging community in the first place. Today when I got home, from a typical shitty Monday, I had a package waiting for me. Regan told me that she was sending me something and little did I know how awesome it is.

Behold, my newest possession!

It is a beer mug! With BACON ON IT! How fucking awesome is it? Regan is the best! Friend! Ever! It totally turned my Monday into a FUNDAY!

So I figured New Bacon should meet Old Bacon. They were a little hesitant at first.

Glass Bacon was a tad frightened by the height of Folder Bacon. But she warmed up to the elder Bacon quickly.

And then it just got inappropriate and I told them to just get a room!

Regan, Folder Bacon would like to personally thank you for giving him something to be excited about. And something to take his mind off the cats. And he would say “Regan, Put the ‘B’ in BLT where the B stands for BOO YAH, you are the Bomb Diggity!”

Bacon is also clearly stuck in the mid-90s.

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon, Gotta Have Friends | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 17, 2009

I realize this is probably old news. I mean, the book has been out for almost two weeks. But since I didn’t buy my copy until a few days ago (after a snafu with Amazon just not delivering my books to me), this is the first time I’ve been able to share this with you.

See this book?

I’m sure most of you have already purchased it. And most of you have probably already finished it. But for those of you who haven’t, let me point you to the Acknowledgments of this book:

(Yes I realize it is blurry. It is HARD to take a photo of a book page that is WHITE.) And right there, at the bottom of the page,

WOULD BE MY NAME! As in, JEN LANCASTER (BEST-SELLING AUTHOR!) THANKED ME IN HER BOOK!

I wasn’t too sure it could get any better than BEING in the book, like her last book, Such a Pretty Fat. I mean, I was a character in a book, how awesome is that? Pretty damn awesome! And then she went and THANKED ME in her fourth book!

Anyway, obviously I’m super giddy about it. I wasn’t going to mention it because then it would be bragging and then Slynnro would be all “we get it! You know her!” but she’s just a jealous skank because no one is thanking her in their books. Probably because what kind of a name is Slynnro anyway?

Plus, I’m tired from doing stuff this weekend and am too lazy to craft a post with words. I can’t wait until I get back to those weekends where I don’t do stuff. Doing stuff is exhausting. Stuff is fun, but also tiring. Especially when stuff = having early afternoon mimosas. Because then the mimosas will rid you of any desire to do any other stuff.

Mimosas will also give you BAD heartburn. And make you wonder how many Tums are too many. So to help me take my mind off heartburn, tell me, how was your weekend? Was it filled with stuff?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 36 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 14, 2009

Oh, hello there. It seems that I have not posted in quite a few days. From my last post, you probably deduced that I drowned when my cat peed in my nose while I was sleeping. She thought she was being helpful, a homemade kind of Neti Pot.

But that is not what happened at all. In fact, I actually got trapped under a mound of cardboard boxes and was unable to escape until right now. The weird thing is that being trapped under all those boxes has not made my desire to unpack any stronger.

Actually, I’ve been busy! I had plans! And errands to run! And a vacuum to buy! AND CAT URINE TO CLEAN UP! And then I went to the Cubs game last night. It was a game time decision, seeing as there was a tornado watch as I was leaving my house for the stadium. And let’s just say, I don’t do well with the threat of tornadoes.

But the game was played. It rained off and on during the game. In fact, they started to bring the tarp out in like the second or third inning and then everyone BOOED the grounds crew. And I know the Cubs groundskeeper and I felt so bad for him. The hurricane didn’t come until the 8th inning. So I decided to call it a night. And walk home in a hurricane. I’m not even exaggerating. The rain was coming from all directions. And the wind, hoo boy, was it strong. I had to hold my umbrella down so it wouldn’t turn inside out. The wind was so strong I was convinced at one point I was going to take off, a la Mary Poppins.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. The cats actually seem to be doing better, but I haven’t really slept well since I moved into the new condo because every time I hear Kitty Kitty meow that loud, shrieking meow, I’m convinced she’s peeing somewhere. So then I get up and sniff every inch of the carpet. And then I head back to bed when I smell nothing and the cycle repeats itself about an hour later. Shit, no wonder I’m so tired this week. This is what having a newborn is like, ISN’T IT?

But she’s had no accidents (knock on wood) (and yes, I just knocked on my head) since that first night. The Feliway is working, she no longer spends her days locked in the bathroom and I think she’s starting to adjust. Even though I found out tonight that she’s got a personal vendetta with the washing machine. She hates the washing machine and all its noise. And I caught her this evening trying to scratch it with her paw. Little does she know in a battle for my love, the washing machine will win. No hesitation.

Because even though my washing machine is loud as fuck and kind of small, the fact that I did three loads of laundry tonight and didn’t have to step foot outside or climb any stairs will never get old.

Sorry Kitty.

Category: Crazy Cat Lady, Land of Random | 13 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 10, 2009

So I’m all moved in. Once I go to bed tonight, if I ever get to bed, I will be spending my second whole night in my new home. MY home. As in the home I OWN. As in the home that I’m particularly anal about. The home I have been inspecting with a microscope because HOLY SHIT I OWN THIS! And unless I live here for the rest of my life, as a spinster with 17 cats, I will have to resell it and no one will buy a house with a scratch on the hardwood. YES THESE ARE THINGS I WAS THINKING THE MINUTE AFTER I MOVED IN. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

The move went awesomely. I hired awesome movers who moved me in two and a half hours. That included moving a WHOLE apartment down three flights of stairs. Everything was wrapped and taken care of and the three dudes just rocked. Nothing was damaged (that I can see. There are still MANY boxes to open.) So if anyone is in the Chicago area, I highly recommend Jay Movers. They were awesome and so reasonable. I think I paid about the same price I paid when I ended up moving myself.

After I moved in, my good karma continued and the Dish Network guy called, two hours early and was all “hey! What’s up? I’m in your neighborhood, can I come by early?” Hell yes you can! Which actually worked out well because I forgot how long it takes to install that thing, what with drilling through a brick wall and all. So that dude actually took longer than the movers. And by the time he finished, I was ready for bed time because at that point I had been up for like 8 hours and I was tired from standing and supervising and unpacking. It felt like 7 PM when it was 2 PM.

After I was tranquil with the sounds of television, I took my mom home. She came out to help me supervise the move because I didn’t want to get murdered. There were a lot of duffel bags I could have been stuffed into. I clearly had nothing to worry about, but better safe than sorry. On my way home from dropping my mom off, I went to pick up the cats. I knew this wasn’t going to be fun, but they needed to be in the new place and get adjusted. Little did I know that my good karma would end here and that this would be a nightmare.

When the movers were in the apartment packing up, I locked the cats in the bathroom because they had the back door open and I didn’t need them getting in the way. Well, the movers are loud. They wrap everything in that plastic, saran wrapey type stuff and then tape it. It’s a LOUD process. I can only imagine how bad they were freaking out when they were locked in the bathroom and were surrounded by that NOISE!

(Side note, I loved that there was all this noise at 8 AM on a Saturday morning, right above the sleeping pot smokers.)

After the movers left, I let the two cats out. Simba ran out and then was met with rooms filled with nothing. I followed him into the bedroom and he turned and looked at me and was like “mew.” Which meant “where is everything?” So then he ran into the living room and then turned to look at me again and was like “MEW MEW!” Which meant “WE WERE ROBBED! WHY ARE YOU NOT FREAKING OUT, WOMAN?”

Meanwhile Kitty Kitty was hiding behind the toilet in the bathroom and would not move. She was not pleased, to say the least. She’s a fragile little being.

When I went to pick them up, Simba was ready. He wanted something to sit on besides hardwood floor. Since I only have one cat carrier, I put Simba in a duffel bag. He didn’t much care for it, but we were only going two miles. Kitty Kitty, on the other hand, was trying to melt into the corner of the top of the kitchen cabinet. When I went to get her down, I’m pretty sure she left claw marks in the woodwork.

I figured once we got to the condo, they would be fine. Same furniture! Things with their smells! Same big boxes! Now, with added carpet! I was wrong.

Simba was fine. He started exploring and was good with the change. He’s moved a few times in his life. This is old hat. Except for puking on the carpet not six hours in, he was good.

Kitty Kitty, well, she was not fine. Not in the least. She hid under the bed all day and night. Finally, around 11 PM on Saturday, she came out. I figured she’d be fine, explore, have some food and just get acclimated while I slept. Right before I went to bed, I caught her squatting to pee in a duffel bag, so I grabbed her and showed her where the litter box was. Then, not 10 minutes later, I caught her trying to again pee in that duffel, then she hissed at it and then panted like a dog. No, really. Panting.

She meowed A LOT during the night. This loud, whiney, piercing meow that means “I AM UPSET. I DO NOT LIKE THINGS. PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!” But I figured it was her way of adjusting and really, cat, suck it up. This is not the worst thing in the world. Deal with it!

This morning I got up to go spend the day with my mom and my family and as I was getting in the shower, I noticed her getting friendly with the clothes in the laundry basket. Then I took a whiff and realized the bitch peed on my clothes. PEED! ON MY CLOTHES! So much worse than puke! So I put her in the closet. Because it was the only room without carpet and that had a door because I had to shower in the only other room sans carpet with a door.

I figured she was just traumatized from the move. So while I was away today, I left her in the bathroom all day. She seemed to need the confined space.

But at least I took a photo of my bathroom so you could see that.*

That would be the shower curtain I bought last night at Target. And didn’t realize until I got home that I forgot the rings, so I had to go back to Target at 9 PM. After being up and packing/unpacking since 6 AM. I was not pleased, to say the least.

Anyway, back to the cats. I stopped at FOUR pet stores this afternoon to pick up some Feliway, which is a cat pheromone that is supposed to discourage spraying and calm cats down. It seems to be working. Kitty Kitty is out of the bathroom and now sitting in the living room with Simba and me. Except she still smells like cat pee, on the fur around her lady bits. Which means any number of things:

1. The smell just stays and it is from this morning when she peed on my clothes.
2. She peed somewhere in the bathroom while she was locked up all day.
3. She peed somewhere else in the house that I have not found yet. Please, do not let this be a possiblilty.

And now my life is consumed with cats and their pee and making sure my house is not RUINED because some cat is nutters and can’t handle a damn move.

Now I must go to bed. Because I do actually have to go to work in the morning. Which I kind of forgot about because don’t we get a free day off for moving? Because shit, I need it.

*I promise more photos and video of the place to be coming soon. Once I stop obsessing with all things urine. And writing about something besides my cats.

Category: Crazy Cat Lady, The Hizzouse | 34 Comments »
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