Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on September 10, 2009

Earlier this week, I decided to take this week off from blogging. I just needed the break because it started to feel like a chore. My brain needed the break.

But today was a shittastic day. And there was only like one thing that actually made me laugh, and continues to make me laugh. So I’m sharing it with you all because I’ve noticed on Twitter lately that September is kind of sucking for a lot of people. Mercury is in retrograde or something. Witchypoo, help me out!

Anyway, last night, my fucking cat puked (AGAIN!) on the bed. So I changed the sheets and then Twittered about it.

Then today I noticed this in my replies.

You’re welcome.

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September WILL get better because my birthday is Monday and I’m celebrating it this weekend by going to the spa and then standing around at a street fest drinking steins of beer and then going to the Cubs game Monday night. Pretty much the ideal way to celebrate a birthday in Kristabellikstan.

Have a good weekend!

Category: Crazy Cat Lady | 26 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 2, 2009

Being a grown-up and owning a condo is hard. I don’t think I’m mature enough for it. (Even though I’ll be 32 in 12 days.) (And yes, I’ll mention that fact every day until the 14th.)

I think owning a home is easier in some ways. Only because it’s all yours. You’re not sharing the building with 30 other people and have to go based on decisions of the group.

My condo board kind of sucks. Remember the exterminator issue?

See, there is a note by the mailboxes and it says that if you’re a new resident or have any questions, to email them at their Condo Board email address. So when I moved in, back in May, I sent them an email. I had a question and I also wanted to give them my contact information. I was being a good resident!

I wasn’t sure what to expect. At the very least, I was expecting an answer to my question. And maybe a “welcome to the building!” Something. What I got? NOTHING. Not an email, not a call. Nothing.

Since I sent my original email from my Yahoo address and theirs is a Gmail address, I thought maybe it put my message in the spam folder. So in July, I sent another note. This time from my Gmail address. Still, nothing.

Then, finally, three months after moving in, three months after the original email, I got a response. I got a response to both the Gmail and Yahoo address. I figured we had made some progress.

I was wrong.

Some time in August we got an email about doing a group plan on Dish Network. See, we’re not allowed to have a satellite dish attached to the side of the building, like I and many of my fellow residents currently do. Technically our only option is cable. So the board was nice and looked into better options since cable sucks and is like 5 times more expensive than the dish.

Well, as a current Dish customer and someone who just signed a two-year contract, I had questions about this supposed all-building plan. So I shot off another email to condo board dude.

And then I waited.

THREE WEEKS LATER, I got another email about it. And the dude was totally unhelpful. So I shot back another email, and asked for his contact at Dish and I would call and get the information I needed. And I ended the email with something like “and I hope it doesn’t take me three weeks to get a response back.”

That did the trick and I got  a response back right away and got all my questions answered.

Look, I know we’re all busy and these board members have jobs besides sitting on the condo board. I get that. But I also know that when you decide to run for a position on the board, you know that there are duties that come with it. I mean, even I know that and I know nothing about condos and boards. And it is your job, right? You took this position, willingly. So have some common courtesy and return the emails! Even worse is it is a general mailbox for the ENTIRE board so someone should have responded. Even if you didn’t know the answer, you could just ACKNOWLEDGE the email! And yes! I’m still pissed that my original email from May wasn’t returned for THREE MONTHS.

Anyway, when condo board dude finally gets back to me, I find out I am apparently in violation and shouldn’t have a dish up. Which, fine, but I’m not taking it down until I have the group option. And really, if you send me a letter, maybe I’ll wait three months to take down my dish. I’ll “claim” to have not received it.

But thankfully we’re going to be getting a group rate on Dish Network that will save me loads of cash each month. I’m sure it will be happening in about three months.

In other condo news, we also just got hit with a special assessment. YAY! Condo owning is FUN! *eye roll*

Apparently the developer got the property re-assessed and they lowered the property value by quite a significant amount. Which means my taxes will be A LOT lower. Yay! But developer hired this attorney to do this without consulting the board or the residents and now we owe the lawyer $37,000 or some ridiculous fee. (Dude, I need to become a real estate attorney, apparently.) Boo!

So we have to cover the attorney fees and pay an additional amount each month with our normal monthly assessments to cover this. And thankfully they are spreading it out between three months and it isn’t horrible. And thankfully the developer has no say any more in the building. But still, that money could have been better spent on wine or cheese or a hooker.

But other than that, and the homeless man in my parking space, I do really love my place and love where I live. Especially right now, as I do laundry while I sit on the couch and don’t have to climb three flights of stairs to do it. Even if my washer and dryer are both made by Whirlpool.

Category: The Hizzouse | 21 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 1, 2009

I always think it is silly when bloggers apologize for not writing. But I’m going to do it anyway. I do honestly feel bad when my posting lags and when it goes on a few days without me having any new material. Not like I feel like I have to write, but I do enjoy writing (usually) and I appreciate that so many of you continue to tune in to my inane ramblings. Even when all I give you is posts about my dreams and DINAO.

But my brain, it is mush. I have zero creativity these days. Life has been busy and I’ve decided to sleep and go out and have a good time in exchange for blogging and doing dishes and having clean underwear. But that means, since I’m almost 32 (September 14!), when I do too much, my old bones take some time to recover and I end up falling asleep on the couch at 7 PM on a Monday night. Man, if this is happening now, I can only imagine how exciting my life will be in my 40s.

In my defense (or not really) I went out a lot this past weekend and imbibed in a few libations. And I realized, once again, that I am no longer in my 20s and drinking 3 days in a row is not S-M-R-T.

But hey, I had fun! At least according to my Twitter stream!

You know it is always good when you’re drinking on a Sunday evening and the dude you meet (who had the SOFTEST hands ever) is so hot, you say it twice.

And how considerate of me to remind everyone what day and time it is! In case you forgot that it was a Sunday night, I wanted to let you know that. Also that the hot dude is indeed hot.

In other news, tonight on my way home from work I went grocery shopping. We have a pot luck lunch at work tomorrow (taco bar!), so I needed to pick up what I was responsible for. Plus I needed something in the house besides string cheese and Coke Zero.

So I start unloading my cart. This is always a hectic time for me because I feel some sort of weird pressure to go as fast as possible and not hold up the line at all. I have NO IDEA where this grocery store line anxiety comes from. I just know that when I buy more things (i.e. this trip since I had NO food in the house) I have this constant fear of not getting the cart unloaded in time. I think it is because at Jewel, one of the local stores here in Chicago, they wait for your stupid preferred/club card thing. Like they won’t start scanning until they get it. So it’s like this race against the conveyor belt and the old grandma in front of me who thankfully paid by check, giving me some more time. (Trader Joe’s is like my heaven because they unload your cart/basket for you. It’s like my version of a spa grocery store.)

Anyway, my neuroses wasn’t actually the point of this story. My point was as I was fumbling to get my cart unpacked and loaded onto the belt, I noticed this guy was like standing near the aisle. He appeared to have no groceries and was just lingering by our aisle. He wasn’t behind me, he was just being creepy. Like I could sense his creepiness.

Obviously I didn’t say anything to him because of the undue PRESSURE to empty my cart as fast as possible, but I still noted it in my brain and thought “that was weird. Very creepy.”

Until I figured out on the way to my car that I have a lower cut shirt on today (not inappropriate, but not a turtleneck) and I’m pretty sure he was watching my cleavage as I bent over my cart to reach in and pick up each and every item in there. That’s the creepy look in his eyes that are seared into my memory. I should probably find a new grocery store.

Or maybe I should just start ordering my groceries online.

What’s your worst grocery store experience? And how come I never see cute guys in the grocery store and we fall in love over the bok choy? Or maybe I should start eating bok choy?

Category: Land of Random | 28 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 27, 2009

Welcome to another edition of Death Is Not An Option. This week’s theme comes from the lovely TUWABVB, who suggested I do famous TV pitchmen.

As a reminder, the object of this game is when given an option of two people below, you have to pick one to sleep with. The caveat being death is not an option. You have to pick one! All the other rounds can be found here.

And away we have it!

Round 14 – The TV Pitchman Edition

The Kings of the Infomercial Edition

Billy Mays vs. Ron Popeil

The How You Doin’ Edition

Shamwow Dude vs. Joey Tribiani

The “These Two Have Nothing In Common” Edition

George Foreman vs. Matthew Lesko

The Exercise Men Edition

Richard Simmons vs. Tony Little

The Annoying Ad Ladies Edition

Flo the Progressive Lady vs. The Orbit Gum Lady

The “Please Let’s Never See These Guys On A Commercial Again” Edition

The Free Credit Report.com Guy vs. The Verizon Guy

The Animal Edition

The Geico Gecko vs. The Aflac Duck

Leave your choice in the comments!

Have a great weekend!

Category: Death is Not an Option | 26 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on August 25, 2009

I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately. Some of them seem so real, I wake up not sure if what I just dreamt was actually a dream, or if it just really happened. And it’s not fun things, like I wake up not sure if I just won the lottery. It’s totally mundane things like I wake up not sure if I really have a cant-miss appointment on Saturday morning that will cause me to miss my hair appointment.

It drives me crazy every morning when I wake up and it takes me usually a few hours to remind myself that no, it was indeed a dream and that I can go to my hair appointment just fine and that the frustration in the dream was just that, frustration in a dream.

I remember this from the last time I took anti-depressants. My therapist at the time told me that it was the brain healing or something and then she proceeded to analyze all my dreams. Like the one time I had this BIZARRE dream where I was working in the press box for the Niners and I got upset because this one girl in the press box showed up in jeans (HOW DARE SHE!) so I left the press box and watched the game from the end zone. Not in the seats, mind you. I took a pillow and LAID DOWN IN THE END ZONE. DURING A GAME. Which, hi! That’s a fucking bizarre dream. So I asked her what she thought it meant.

She told me it was about my dad and how he never listened to me. Which was true, but also, how the hell did she get that from that bizarro dream?

Recently, I’ve been having a lot of dreams where I’m back working for the Niners. The two dreams I’ve had have been very anxiety-ridden. Because in both dreams, I’m not actually officially working there. In both dreams, I’ve come back on some sort of trial basis. And both times, it’s because the person that they hired to replace me (I think they are on their 3rd person in 5 years) sucks and no one can hold a candle to me. But I have a big mouth and there was a reason I was laid off (my big mouth and my refusal to cooperate with the assholes in management) so no one was really too keen on letting me come back. And even in the dream, I wasn’t too sure if it was the right thing.

I don’t know what that means. I’m sure some of you could dive into that. You were good the last time I talked about my dreams.

My other dream as of late was a good one. I didn’t want to wake up. It made me want to sleep for the rest of my life. It was that good.

The dream? It was that I was dating Jeff from this season of Big Brother. And I was so happy with this dream, I’ve been telling everyone. Because it’s as close as I’ll ever get to dating Jeff.

If you watch the show, you know what I’m talking about. He’s just so pretty. And he’s from Chicago and has this thick Chicago accent. And he’s super sweet and funny and curses like a sailor. WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

See how purty?

Mmmmmmm. What a good dream.

I don’t remember how it started. All I remember is that we were in the townhouse I lived in when I was younger and my mom also had a crush on Jeff and was hoping he was into the cougars. Because look at him! She’s only human!

And then we were dating, he was a good kisser and I found out he was working for the Arizona Cardinals as the team dentist. He spent a majority of his time making mouthguards.

I need to find a good therapist just so I can find out what the fuck that’s supposed to represent. Besides the fact that I have an inappropriate crush on him and watched Big Brother before going to bed.

Actually, I probably don’t want to know. I just want to remember that I was dating that Sexy McHottiepants and that it was good.

And hey, at least I’m not dreaming about infomercials and the Jonas Brothers like a certain someone.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, Only In My Dreams | 18 Comments »
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