Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on October 5, 2009

When I last left you, I was busy boring you all to tears regarding my most recent trip to Atlanta. A week ago. Because I’m nothing if not prompt.

After meeting Mychael Knight and hanging out with Ali (and finally meeting her husband!) (I was convinced he maybe didn’t exist!), I headed back to Darcey’s place on Friday night. That night I was met with some of the worst heartburn I’ve ever had in my life. Turns out, my stomach wanted to remind me that I still suffer from acid reflux. And that I can’t spend my days eating pizza, Mexican food and drinking alcohol and NOT pay for it. I GET IT STOMACH! WILL NEVER TRAVEL WITHOUT PEPCID AND ROLAIDS EVER AGAIN!

Early, early Saturday morning, I was up with heartburn. For about 2 hours, from 3:30 to 5:30. Of course I did what any person would do in this situation, I caught up on Twitter. Except, no one is really tweeting in the middle of the night. So it didn’t take long to catch up.

I figured the best thing to do was to try and get some sleep and not think about it. Turns out when it feels like there is a small campfire in your chest, it is very hard to go to sleep, no matter how tired you are. So I did the next thing any normal, sane person would do: I Googled “natural heartburn remedies” on my iPhone.

Google informed me that chewing gum would help. Also mints. So I did both. A little while later, I finally fell asleep. And then slept in that morning. (I actually slept in every morning.) (Which I’m sure bothered Darcey since she is NOT a sleeper inner.)

But when I got up, I was excited! ONE, because I could go to the store and buy Rolaids and Pepcid! And TWO, because Saturday was the day of the ASU/Georgia game and I was going to get to experience REAL college football!

I have to say, I defend the Pac-10 all the time because we get no respect, but, well, we don’t actually deserve any. Georgia fans (and I would assume SEC fans in general), they don’t mess around. They know how to tailgate. I mean, there was a BIG SCREEN TV with satellite hook-up in our tailgate tent. Why would anyone ever buy tickets?

It was also my first experience with football in the rain. Now, granted, it rained a lot when I worked for the 49ers, but I was inside the enclosed, warm, dry press box. Same with college. Not that it really ever rained for a football game in Arizona. So this torrential downpour? It was a first.

I told Darcey I was worried that me going, all decked out in Sun Devil gear, to an ALL GEORGIA tailgate party. She told me I had nothing to worry about. She was wrong.

Actually, I was on my best behavior. Besides not wearing red, I fit right in. Darcey’s friend Leann totally welcomed me to the tailgate. Well, mostly.

But even with the rain, and a Sun Devil loss (barely!), I had a great time! WOO HOO!

Darcey was a trooper and drove from Atlanta to Athens and back. All the while dealing with rain and traffic and really crappy music. There is a song popular in Atlanta called “LOL Smiley Face” and we must have heard it a thousand times. So much so, we Googled the video. Because it’s just bad. But also funny when someone sings about Twitpicing someone and you’re familiar with what they are talking about. It’s the social media anthem!

If you’re bored, you can listen to the song here. (Prepare to feel dumber.) I hope we never get this song in Chicago. But I’m sure it is on its way.

On Sunday we met these two ladies for brunch (plus Emily!) and had a nice time. After brunch, we watched the rest of the Falcons game and then headed out to a bar so I could watch the Bears game. Thankfully the Bears won. Not so thankfully was some weird Bears fan who kept walking past our table and high-fiving me or staring at me because he too was a Bears fan. Like there are only two of us on the planet.

After the game, Darcey and I headed to Flip Burger for dinner. If you’re not aware, Flip Burger is Richard Blais’s restaurant. If you don’t know who Richard Blais is, he was on Top Chef and totally should have won! I have also met him.

We didn’t get to see him that night, but that is OK because let me tell you, it was the BEST burger I have ever eaten in my WHOLE LIFE! It was so good! Combine that with duck-fat fries, and I was in heaven.

Before we ordered, Darcey told me to save room for a milkshake. I like milkshakes. But I’ve never LOVED a milkshake nor wanted to make sweet, sweet love to a milkshake. Until THIS milkshake.

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. This is a Krispy Kreme milkshake. It has chunks of Krispy Kreme donuts in the shake. Darcey also told me that he freeze-dries the donuts and grinds them up into a powder and also adds that to the shake. Seriously, BEST. THING. EVER. Imagine how great this would taste. And then imagine it 10 times better. Seriously, you should all head to the A-T-L for this shake.

So that was my trip. In all its glory. I’m sure it is really boring to read all about it, but I also am narcissistic enough to think you actually care.

Tomorrow I’ll be back with something better. It will involve the cats!

(And yes, I plan to post every night this week, since the busyness in my life has come to a screeching halt. Finally.) (I don’t know if that’s actually a good thing or not.) (Probably not, since I mentioned it involved cats.)

Category: Travel | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on October 4, 2009

I know it has been almost a full week since I got back from my vacation, and that’s probably like three months in blog time, but I’m going to tell you about it anyway. Because I started writing this last week and well, I’m lazy and don’t want to be wasteful.

In case you didn’t know, I made a trip down to the Dirty South last weekend to spend some time in Atlanta. The original reason for my trip was to go see ASU take on Georgia and experience SEC college football, but then it became more about getting away, relaxing and hanging out with friends.

It was a great trip. I had only been to Atlanta once before, for about 6 hours, on a sales trip back when I worked with the dirt company. So I had never really seen much of the city or experienced all the humidity things it had to offer.

I got in Thursday afternoon and the lovely Ali picked me up at the airport. She said it was repayment for driving up to Milwaukee on two separate occasions to hang out with her and her family. (Psssst…don’t tell Ali, but I really like hanging out with her and her family. I love her kids! And I love that they all like me (or seem to) and are comfortable around me and ask me to read to them and color with them and tickle them.) (See: single spinster woman who has no kids and lives through the lives of her friends’ kids.)

After she picked me up, we made the carpool rounds and I got to see why every mom on Twitter is constantly bitching and moaning about carpool. It’s like the military! Numbers and lines and walkie talkies! Shit, when I was in school, they stopped caring the minute you walked one step out the door.

After carpool we hit up Chick-fil-A. When Darcey asked what I wanted to do in Atlanta, I said I wanted to go to the football game, go to Flip Burger and eat at Chick-fil-A. That was it. We had Chick-fil-A in Arizona, and I haven’t had it since and, man oh man, have I missed their waffle fries. Also, McDonald’s, nice effort with your southern chicken sammich, BUT NOT EVEN CLOSE! You can’t just slap some pickles on something and call it Chick-fil-A.

The rest of the afternoon I hung out with the Martells at Ali’s dad’s “house”. I say that because you could hear an echo in that place. It’s marvelous and huge and gorgeous. Isabella entertained me with her drawings and stories and Emily performed, like she is wont to do. (I still haven’t learned the Hoedown Throwdown! NEXT TIME!) Darcey joined us after she got out of work and we sat around chatting all night and ordered pizza for dinner. It was an excellent start to the vacation!

Friday, Darcey took off from work and she and I went to the Coke Museum. “They have a museum just for Coke?” you ask. “Why, yes. Yes they do,” I say. I made the decision to hit the World of Coke over the Aquarium because 1) I’ve been to an aquarium before, I’ve never been to a pop museum and 2) Emily told me that you get to try like 60 kinds of Coke products from around the world. And then I yelled “SOLD!”

It’s pretty cool. If you’re in Atlanta, go to the World of Coke. They have movies and exhibits and all sorts of neat things. And they have a tasting room where you can try Coke products from all over the world, and they are sorted by Continent. I tried every single one. Let me tell you, don’t drink pop in Latin America. That shit was nasty.

I think I enjoyed myself, no?

Friday night Darcey wasn’t feeling well, so Ali and headed out to some super exclusive shindig as part of the Castleberry Hill Loft Tour. Ali’s brother-in-law was in town and has some sort of connection through his work. I’m not sure what it was all about. I heard “FREE BOOZE AND FOOD” and I said “WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

We had a great time. There was GREAT food. And wine. And vodka chocolate milk. Well, I think it was supposed to be an espresso martini, but it tasted like vodka, with a hint of chocolate milk. The art gallery it was at was really nice. But it was also like 1,700 degrees in there. I know I’m not from the South, but it was hot that day and in September when temps are close to 90, and you’re going to have hundreds of people in your gallery, maybe you should turn on the A/C? Just maybe?

But a sweaty mess and all, Ali and I had a good time. And then I noticed that someone who looked like Mychael Knight from Project Runway fame was standing in front of me. But I couldn’t be sure until I heard him talk. So I didn’t really know. And the whole time I kept forgetting I was in Atlanta and that Mychael Knight is FROM Atlanta and OF COURSE he could be at this swanky event. Finally after going back and forth, some chick that was eavesdropping was all “it’s him.” And then I gave her a sweaty hug. Because I love eavesdroppers. And meeting Bravo reality show contestants.

Thankfully Ali and her BIL Joe forced me to get my photo with him. I won’t use it for my Christmas card because judging by the response we got on Twitter, no one cares about Mychael Knight and my grandma will just ask me why I’m sending out my Christmas card with me and a black man photographed on it. (She said this to me after Dusty Baker and Jerry Rice.)

Also, Mychael Knight had a PSH, a Personal Sweat Handler. Before our photo, some woman swept in and mopped his brow with a napkin. I pushed up my bangs and looked in her direction, waiting for my turn, until I realized that it wasn’t her job to mop EVERYONE’S brow.

Clearly.

And since I’ve already written over 1,o00 words about my first two days there, I’ll save the stories from the rest of my trip for tomorrow.

(That’s a lie. I’m really lazy, tired and out of post ideas so I’m all for stretching things out as long as possible.) (But sadly there were no famous people in the rest of my trip. Just rain, football and the best milkshake I’ve ever had.)

Category: Travel | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 29, 2009

I plan to write a whole long post about my trip this past weekend to Atlanta. I had an awesome time! I wish I was back there already. I already told Ali I plan to look up flights and plan a trip there again SOON. Thank God for AirTran Airways and their cheap flights from Chicago to Atlanta!

But I’m still recovering from all the good (and UNHEALTHY) food I ate, not enough sleep, a lot of beer and the fact that I’m now back at work and not on vacation. I’m at work and not watching Ali’s daughter Bella draw rainbows and mice and a pot of gold and tell me all about her imaginary friend Eneed, or CutieHead Cutie Eneed Martell as he’s now known. And he’s some imaginary friend, traveling all the way from Toronto to Atlanta to be with Bella. (Although, Bella is that cute and funny, that I’m not surprised he came with her.)

Anyway, while I was away, my friend Lara came over to check on my cats. She loves cats and wanted to hang out with mine. And any crazy person that wants to hang out with my cats is MORE THAN WELCOME!

So before I left town, I left Lara a note and I also left a new bag of treats out on the counter, for her to bribe them with. Because my cats may be idiots, but I expect them to be gracious idiots to any of my guests.

When I got home yesterday, I saw that Lara wrote a note about said treats. Said she found this on the ground when she got to my place:

They ATE threw the thick-ish plastic bag and devoured all the treats. And they wonder why I call them idiots and why I try to pawn them off on anyone who will take them.

:::

Come back tomorrow to hear about my trip and my continuing saga this year with meeting Bravo reality show contestants.

Category: Crazy Cat Lady | 17 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 22, 2009

I have a confession. I text when I drive. I check the internet when I drive. I’m constantly refreshing Twitter on my phone when I’m in my car.

I realize this isn’t safe. But I also try to limit most of my phone activity while driving to stopped traffic, stop signs and stop lights. If my car is moving more than 5 miles an hour, I’m generally not using my phone to type or read anything online. I say generally because well, I’m not perfect. And sometimes I have to finish typing something up when the light turns.

I’ve gotten a lot better. Because I realize how stupid this is and how DANGEROUS it is. So now I really do limit it to stop lights and stop signs. It makes my commute 100 times faster in the morning when I know I can spend downtime sitting at stop lights catching up on Twitter. It also makes me less ragey and a nicer person in the mornings. Which is saying A LOT because I hate mornings. “Morning” shouldn’t start until at least 11 AM.

Let’s flashback a few weeks or so ago when I was driving home. I was sitting at a three-way stop sign that for some odd reason is very congested. I think it is mostly because people are assholes and don’t wait their turn. Isn’t that always the case at stop signs?

So I’m sitting at this stop sign, STOPPED, about 8 cars back, waiting for the line to move and for me to be able to make my right turn. While I’m stopped, I get a text from Darcey. I decided to write her back, since I knew my reply was going to be short. So as I start typing, the line starts moving. Isn’t that how it always is? So I move with the traffic, inching closer to the stop sign, keeping one eye on my phone and one eye on the road. We aren’t going more than one MPH and I’m aware of my surroundings. This probably won’t win me any good driver awards. In addition, one thing I inherited from my father was my long legs and my ability to use said long legs to operate the car steering wheel and steer the car. I can actually turn corners with my legs. Look Ma! No hands!

I finish my short text and I hear someone honking. I look up and see that yep, we are indeed STILL stopped. And I think “who the fuck honked? It is a STOP sign. We’ll move eventually! Calm the fuck down!”

At this moment, I decide to look over to my right at the car next to me, in a move of solidarity, like “right lady? Why the honking at a stop sign? HOLD YOUR HORSES! Can I get an AMEN to that, stranger lady in the car next to me?”

And that’s when I see it. I see the lady in the car next to me, looking back at me, and wagging her finger, like you would do to a toddler who just stole a cookie off the table right before dinner. And it takes me a half second to realize that she, this stranger woman in the car next to me, is wagging her finger at me. Wagging. Her finger. AT ME! ME! And that she was the honker! Because she wanted my attention to WAG HER FINGER AT ME! TO WAG HER FINGER AT ME FOR TEXTING IN THE CAR!

WHO DOES THAT?

Because I was IN SHOCK, I could do nothing but get all slack-jawed-yokel on her and stare at her in disbelief. With my patented What The Fuck Face.

Because did this stranger woman just WAG HER FINGER AT ME? It’s almost like I could hear that ho-bag tsk-tsking me through the CLOSED WINDOW.

That only lasted two seconds before someone else honked at me because at least this time I was actually holding up traffic at the stop sign. Because I was stopped and staring. At the woman in the car next to me. WHO WAGGED HER FINGER AT ME.

So I went through the stop sign and made my turn and when I got to the light at the end of the street, I Twittered about it.

Take THAT, you finger-wagging skank face!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Transit Tales | 36 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on September 21, 2009

Oh, hello. I have a blog. DID YOU KNOW THAT? Because apparently I have forgotten.

Actually, I didn’t forget. I just came down with a case of The Lazies and The Uninspireds and then it was MY BIRTHDAY and I was celebrating and killing brain cells, which meant I didn’t get enough sleep and only wanted to zone out in front of the television and didn’t want to blog. Which, you’re welcome. Had I blogged, it would have been a series of posts where I stared blankly at my laptop screen for a few hours and then posted this:

Cnrieowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Which would be what my head typed out as I passed out on the keyboard.

So what I have been up to? Do you even have to ask? Clearly NOTHING, since I haven’t posted but once in the last two-plus weeks.

Here is a little (read: boring) recap of my life:

• It was indeed my birthday last Monday. I am now 32, which means I’m slowly having the 30s ripped out of my hands and inching closer to the big four-oh. Which means, if I want to have babies, I better do it soon, lest my uterus become a barren wasteland full of tumbleweeds and dried cacti.
• My birthday was AWESOME! I went out the weekend before to celebrate. I had an afternoon date with my friends Shelly and Schwerer at the spa. We had a blast relaxing and catching up and getting pampered. After that, I had dinner with my mom, sister and my sister’s boyfriend, Nate. And then we headed to the German-American Fest and stood around drinking steins of beer. We ended the night at a fabulous dive bar with a Formica kitchen table circa 1973. It was a GREAT night.
• On my actual birthday, I went to the Cubs game with my friend Lara. We had a great time, the Cubs won and I got carded at every place I went! Which then prompted me and Lara to yell out, every time, it’s my/her birthday!
• I haven’t been carded in about 4 months.
• After the Cubs game we ended up here. It was an interesting place. They show porn on the TVs. Like old porn. Some of it was in black and white. Since Lara and I didn’t want to watch porn, we decided to play Photo Hunt on the trivia machine. Turns out, the trivia machine is risque too. All the photos were of butt-ass naked chicks doing Playboy poses. GOOD TIMES!
• It was definitely one of the most memorable birthdays I’ve ever had! It was a GREAT TIME!
• I was going to blog last Wednesday. I had worked late and after I got home after dropping off books at my friend Melissa’s house, I was going to actually break my blog silence.
• But Melissa was leaving for Germany the next day and was already in vacation mode. All it took was one question “do you want a glass of wine?” and I knew I wouldn’t be home for awhile. Three hours and almost 2 bottles of wine later, I was on my way home.
• I kind of LOVE impromptu evenings like that.
• Until I wake up the next morning.
• My brother and his family came over this past Saturday to celebrate my birthday with me. My brother had chores. He put in a new shiny deadbolt for me on my front door and now I feel safe because I paid extra for the super safe one. He also attached the water line to my fridge so my ice maker would work. Because what fucking developer that builds a NEW condo doesn’t actually do that himself? My stupid fucking developer and his overcharging ways.
• The cats were a little distraught. Having small children around, chasing you and locking you in a room is new to them. And they lost their shit. And their lunches. After Noah and Skyler left and couldn’t torment them anymore, both cats puked. One pile was on my bed. YOU WIN CATS! I get it! You don’t like children!
• Now the cats are freaked out by the ice maker and the sound of the cubes falling into the tray. Kitty Kitty jumps about 7 feet in the air every time this happens. And then I laugh.
• Probably why I found puke AGAIN on my bed on Sunday night.
• On Sunday I drove up to see THE Ali Martell and her lovely kids to celebrate the Jewish New Year. I told Ali there was proof that I loved her so much since I actually got dressed up on a Sunday and drove to a place where I couldn’t watch TV when the Bears were playing.
• I apparently have to be in WISCONSIN for the Bears to do well.
• Sorry Bears, I’m not moving to Wisconsin.
• I love Ali’s kids. I think they love me too. I hope so, since I’m seeing them again on Thursday when I go to Atlanta.
• Ali’s mom makes the best grilled cheese. I’m pretty sure this is due to high amounts of real butter. But I’m going to pretend like it is made with magical grease that has no fat or calories and just melts in your mouth because it is made WITH LOVE.
• Ali needs to move closer to me. The end.
• My friend Jessica turned me on to the show Hoarders. I simultaneously love her and hate her for this.
• Hoarders is a good appetite suppressant. When you’re feeling hungry, watch the episode with the lady who hordes food. MAGICAL DIET! YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN!
• It has also made me clean my house more. I’ve cleaned more in the last 3 weeks than I did for the first FOUR MONTHS I lived here.
• I’m a little worried I may have lost a lot of readers with my lapse in posting. I hope you’ll stick with me. My creative juices are flowing once again. So be prepared for a whole slew of mediocre posts!

So internet, tell me, what have YOU been up to? I’VE MISSED YOU!

Category: All Things Blogging, Land of Random | 27 Comments »
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