Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on May 3, 2010

I went to Atlanta this weekend. I went down to visit Ali and my second family because it had been a few weeks since I had seen them. Also, I needed a break. I needed to get away from home and work and just be someplace else. And it was exactly what  I needed. I needed my brain to shut off and just spend time with some of my very favorite people in the world. And also sleep in the world’s darkest room. (Seriously, the basement room at Ali’s dad’s house is like a cave and I always sleep so well in that room. Even when I’m stuck sleeping next to her.)

Besides my trip to Atlanta in the fall, I never really have a plan to do much. I always try to eat a #1 Original at Chick-Fil-A. I prefer to eat at The Flying Biscuit at least once. But other than that, I have THE BEST time in the world hanging out with Ali, Gabe and their kids. Seriously. We can be sitting quietly at the table, both on our laptops, or we can be laughing at Emily experiencing Pretty in Pink for the first time and it is always a shit-ton of fun. It’s very rare to have friends like that. I’ve become so close with the whole Martell clan that I feel like I’m part of the family. And am already planning a trip up to see them after they move into their new house in Toronto this summer.

I mean, Isabella made me a card to welcome me!

So yeah, we watched TV. Ali was under the weather so there wasn’t much she was able to do without dying. So TV it was! We gossiped. We talked “shop” about the blogging world. We laughed, a lot. I learned about famous Disney stars. And watched 17 Again for the first time. And then laughed some more.

And Ali gave me her sickness. I mean, the whole house was sniffly and coughing, it was going to be some sort of major feat if I didn’t get sick. That and the coughing, sneezy, sniffly lady I sat next to on the plane home. So really, a sore throat and runny nose was well worth the trip out there.

Also, because Ali’s husband Gabe, he likes to cook. He has a cookbook and a cooking blog. And he makes REALLY YUMMY stuff! So on Friday night, I got to pick and I picked this. And you all need to make it. It was delicious! But don’t just take my word for it, you can also ask Darcey and Adam, who came over for dinner too. It was a blogstravaganza! (Seriously, Ali, Adam and I spent the whole day sitting at various tables and chatting and laughing. GOOD TIMES!)

Ali also finally showed me the magic that is a Canadian TV show called Rent-A-Goalie. It’s a real show, apparently. And actually quite hilarious. And very raunchy. Please try and convince me that staring at this hottie, episode after episode, is a BAD thing.

His name on the show is Cake. Let me tell you, the fact that I love Cake has taken on a whole new meeting. I’m thinking of moving to Canada.

But now I’m going to go catch some Zzz’s, like my favorite lazy puppy Indy, and hopefully get rid of this damn cold. That dog does sleep right!

Category: All Things Blogging, All Things TV, Gotta Have Friends, Travel | 14 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 28, 2010

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment. It was the dreaded annual lady parts exam. I had re-scheduled it three times due to work conflicts and I figured it was about time to bite the bullet and just GO.

Does anyone really like going to the gynecologist? I mean, I’ve been going for years and while my blood pressure doesn’t spike from nervousness and uncomfortableness like it used to, I still don’t LIKE it. I mean, it isn’t pleasant. I would imagine after having kids and having everyone under the sun staring where the sun don’t shine it isn’t even a big deal anymore. But still, not how I want to spend my time. At least buy me a drink first!

And thankfully, the worst part, the pap schmear, I am now at the age that I only have to do that once every three years. So yay for no more jaws of life opening my who-hah like a cave explorer. (THERE IS NOTHING BUT COBWEBS AND DRIED OUT EGGS IN THERE!)

The worst part is when she’s like “have you had any new partners in the last year? Do we need to do any STD testing?” And with a sad clown face, I told her no. BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR! Yes, lady doctor, the most action I’ve had in the last year is you squeezing my ovaries. Thanks for making a girl feel good. But hey! No STDs!

(I probably should have put a warning on this post, huh? Too late now. Sorry mom.)

My doctor’s office has decided that a gyno appointment is now a “specialty” and I am to pay accordingly. So my typical $20 co-pay was $40 yesterday. And I’m not complaining because I am lucky to have a job and insurance and only pay $40 to get felt up. BUT, I wonder if dudes have the same thing for prostate exams, etc. I am going for a well-woman exam. It is preventative care. It is an annual physical. And as far as I know, that’s covered under the normal care, at a $20 co-pay.

And this is the doctor’s office that made the change, not my insurance. So it makes me think they are just trying to turn a bigger profit? By making women and pregnant ladies pay more? Good thing I only go once a year. Want a way for me to stop going to the doctor? Raise the co-pay price.

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So my doctor’s office is in the Playboy Building. No, really. Playboy is no longer there (I don’t think), but when they were headquartered in Chicago, that’s where they were. Anyway, this building re-designed their elevators. It must have cost a pretty penny. I can only imagine what the special assessments were for the residents in the building.

Anyway, these elevators are all automatic. You push your floor number on a large keypad, and it then tells you which elevator (marked with letters) will be coming to fetch you. So you hit 3 and then it beeps and says “H” and you wait outside elevator H.

And then once you’re in the elevator there are no buttons. So if you were like “OH! I meant four, not three”, you’re screwed! You have to get out and go push that button and wait again for an elevator. It is the WEIRDEST thing! I felt like I was in some sci-fi movie.

I do not like these elevators, though. The loss of control of a situation was overwhelming. I didn’t like these robots telling me what to do! What if I want to take Elevator C? WHAT IF I HATE THE LETTER H?

It’s a good thing I don’t go there more often. I should probably not get pregnant any time soon. Or I might have to start taking the stairs. Which would suck as a pregnant person.

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I worked from home yesterday because my doctor’s appointment was at 10:45 and my house is closer to the doctor than my office is. And I thought this would be the most productive use of my time.

I left  to head out to my car to drive to the doctor. I figured since  it was after 10 on a weekday morning, I wouldn’t run into anyone in the hallways. As I was walking out to my car, through the garage, I opened the door into this cute dude. Like I was so startled, I think I yelped! OUT LOUD! And to make it worse? I am pretty sure I was mid-audible-belch at the time!

KEEP IT KLASSY, KRISTABELLA!

Yep, this is why I’m single and only get action from a midwife.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Medical Mishaps, Spinsterville Here I Come | 18 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 26, 2010

Remember back like less than a month ago when I was blogging regularly and made it my Lensolution? Yeah, those were the days, weren’t they? I wrote twice last week, at the beginning of the week, and then nothing. And now I’m sitting here trying to think of WHY I didn’t write anything for the rest of the week.

Tuesdays are hard because of Lost. But that’s all I can remember about last week. And wow, this is the most boring post ever.

*clapclapclap*

So internet, what have you been up to? I feel like I have all these things to fill you in on, but all I can think about right now is sleeping. So let’s do some more bullets, shall we? It’s like a blogger’s crutch when there is nothing else to write.

• So tonight I started the Couch to 5k program. Some of you may remember back 3 years ago when I was a “runner” and actually trained and ran an 8k race. And then I got fired for my blog (seriously, like the NEXT weekend it all went down), hurt myself and then became a lazy sloth. But I’m giving it a try again! And Couch to 5k has an iPhone app! And I can listen to my own music! So I’m one day down, many more days to go!
• And I have plans to go walking after work tomorrow with my friend Melissa! It is a much better activity than we usually engage in, which is drinking our faces off. We’ll still do that sometimes too. Lest you worry your pretty little heads.
• Sunday I went to a baby shower for my friend Jenny. She’s expecting a little girl next month. AND she’s in a new house that we all hadn’t seen. It’s a fabulous house and the shower was great! We had awesome food and drank lots of champagne cocktails. (Well, everyone except the pregnant ladies.) Yes, we drank booze at a baby shower. (Five bottles of champagne to be exact.) Do you see why these people are my friends?
• My friend Carrie brought her twin sons along. They are four months old and I hadn’t met them yet. All it took was one look, and I fell in love! They are so adorable! I love babies!
• But I need to hit the gym because my arms are sore from holding them. Those muscles aren’t used to holding anything heavier than a wine glass. And a mostly empty one at that.
• When you drink champagne cocktails all day, you’ll be ready for bed at 6 PM. Thankfully I wasn’t that bad. I made it until 8. And slept until almost 8 this morning. Champagne makes me sleepy, apparently.
• But that didn’t stop me from suggesting that we all get together for an all day champagne extravaganza. Because our friend Jessica got a champagne cocktail recipe book for her birthday. And I think we should try them all, don’t you?
• Oh, so I also signed up for eHarmony this weekend. It took a little while because that questionnaire is so long, but I’m feeling positive about it. I should probably log in again and see what awaits me.
• I promise to share any and all stories on here. That is, if I get any response, which I DID NOT from my last two trips into Online Datingland. Talk about a self-esteem killer.
• But this time will be different! People find love on eHarmony! Ask her!
• Oh! And Friday I was featured on Aiming Low! Ali picked me to be featured and I am so, so honored. So go there and read my post! And read all the other hilarious posts! You won’t be disappointed.

And now I’m off to finish my laundry because I’m heading to Atlanta on Thursday for a long weekend. I CANNOT WAIT!

Don’t worry, burglars, I’ve already checked 17 times to make sure the door is closed and locked. And I’ll check another 197 times before I leave.

Category: Land of Random, Online Dating, Working On My Fitness | 19 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 19, 2010

I have really nothing much to write about. I mean, I’m sure I could dig down and find something, but tonight is Monday, which means it is the night that I do everything I was too lazy to do over the weekend – grocery shopping, taking out the trash, cleaning the litter box, laundry, etc. Plus Monday = Intervention on A&E and I’m about to call in with my addiction to this show. I refused to watch for so many years because I figured it would hit too close to home, but I get sucked in. Every week. I think it is like a kind of therapy for me.

So here’s a breakdown of what I could post about, but am too lazy to write all the words out. Therefore, you get bullets:

• Kitty Kitty is much better. She’s back to being annoying, which means all is right in the world. I gave her a bath last week to wash the stench off her and it didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. Although, she’s probably put on about 17 pounds from all the treats I keep bribing her with. I just kept telling her that really, a bath is not even as bad as having a thermometer stuck up your ass.
• She’s still puked a couple of times and has some pooping issues, but really, she’s doing so much better so I don’t mind that she puked on my shoes. Again. For the 100th time in the last week.
• I got my hair done on Saturday. My stylist talked me into going lighter. At first, I didn’t care for it because while I was blonde for almost 30 years, I thought this was too light. But the more I stared at myself in the mirror, the more I loved it. What say you, Internet?

• Please to be ignoring my very large man hands.
• Most of you probably weren’t reading way back in the day, but I was blonde forever. I didn’t dye my hair darker until a month before my 30th birthday. If you don’t believe me, you can check out the before and after photos in this post.
• Saturday night I went out with my friend Melissa. We started at her place and drank a barrel of wine and then decided to head out to the bar. Details of the evening are fuzzy, but all I remember is that we stopped for a burrito and told our cab driver to wait. When we came out, there were like three cabs in the parking lot and we didn’t know which one was ours. I vaguely remember walking towards a white car and then hearing some man with an accent start shouting expletives at us. Because we were going to the wrong cab. And he thought we would stiff him? I’m not sure, but I made it home safe and the burrito was muy tasty.
• I ended up passing out on the couch. I woke up about 7 AM and my hip was killing me from lying on it in the same position all night on an apparently unsupportive couch. Or maybe it was that I was using my purse as a pillow. Regardless, my hip still hurts and getting old really sucks.
• Speaking of my purse, back when I was out a few weeks ago bringing visitors back to my place who don’t know how to lock doors, my purse had a bit of an accident. See, I was sitting at the bar, with my purse on the bar when I smelled something funny. I then laughed to myself because “hahahahaha! Someone accidentally burnt something in the candles on the table! DUMBASS! HAHAHAHA!” Until I realized that I was the dumbass and it was my PURSE that was burning.

• This is why I can’t have nice things.
• Remember I went to Houston? Well Puke Gate 2010 disrupted my plan to recap the trip here on my blog. So because I’ll probably never get around to it, you can check out the photos here.

And with that, I’m going to get my ass to bed. Because I stayed up last night way too late watching that HUGELY PREDICTABLE movie on ABC Family. And if I’m saying it is predictable, it must have irritated normal people. Since episodes of Scooby Doo still surprise me.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Crazy Cat Lady, Hairapy | 20 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on April 18, 2010

So back like a million months ago (seriously, it was like in the fall) I went to IKEA. I bought a futon for my second bedroom and a new TV stand that will be used to hold a new flat screen TV when I buy one.

I put the futon together that weekend. I even wrote about it here and took a photo.

The entertainment center has since been sitting in the box it came in. All these months. First it sat in the middle of the living room, where the delivery guys left it. Then the cats puked on the box, so I had to move it. So I stood it up in the second bedroom and there it has been, just gathering dust.

UNTIL TONIGHT! For some reason I got a bug up my ass at like 7 PM this evening and decided to put the damn thing together. And now I have no skin left on my hands from overuse of the screwdriver and Allen wrench.

But it is put together! And the next step is to actually use it and move the TV and DVD player to the new TV stand. And use the old one as an armoire and FINALLY finish unpacking from when I moved in. WHICH WAS ALMOST A YEAR AGO! I have given new meaning to the term baby steps.

Isn’t it pretty? It matches my coffee table, which means that I’m an adult with matching furniture. Also, I have to now go to bed because my hands hurt from all the screwing (HA!) and my ass hurts from all the sitting on hardwood floors while I put this bad boy together. Because I’m old.

Now I’m off to rest my old bones. And finish watching Beauty & the Briefcase, because I can never turn down an ABC Family original!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Land of Random, The Hizzouse | 7 Comments »
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