VaJay, A-OK

Posted By on April 28, 2010

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment. It was the dreaded annual lady parts exam. I had re-scheduled it three times due to work conflicts and I figured it was about time to bite the bullet and just GO.

Does anyone really like going to the gynecologist? I mean, I’ve been going for years and while my blood pressure doesn’t spike from nervousness and uncomfortableness like it used to, I still don’t LIKE it. I mean, it isn’t pleasant. I would imagine after having kids and having everyone under the sun staring where the sun don’t shine it isn’t even a big deal anymore. But still, not how I want to spend my time. At least buy me a drink first!

And thankfully, the worst part, the pap schmear, I am now at the age that I only have to do that once every three years. So yay for no more jaws of life opening my who-hah like a cave explorer. (THERE IS NOTHING BUT COBWEBS AND DRIED OUT EGGS IN THERE!)

The worst part is when she’s like “have you had any new partners in the last year? Do we need to do any STD testing?” And with a sad clown face, I told her no. BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR! Yes, lady doctor, the most action I’ve had in the last year is you squeezing my ovaries. Thanks for making a girl feel good. But hey! No STDs!

(I probably should have put a warning on this post, huh? Too late now. Sorry mom.)

My doctor’s office has decided that a gyno appointment is now a “specialty” and I am to pay accordingly. So my typical $20 co-pay was $40 yesterday. And I’m not complaining because I am lucky to have a job and insurance and only pay $40 to get felt up. BUT, I wonder if dudes have the same thing for prostate exams, etc. I am going for a well-woman exam. It is preventative care. It is an annual physical. And as far as I know, that’s covered under the normal care, at a $20 co-pay.

And this is the doctor’s office that made the change, not my insurance. So it makes me think they are just trying to turn a bigger profit? By making women and pregnant ladies pay more? Good thing I only go once a year. Want a way for me to stop going to the doctor? Raise the co-pay price.


So my doctor’s office is in the Playboy Building. No, really. Playboy is no longer there (I don’t think), but when they were headquartered in Chicago, that’s where they were. Anyway, this building re-designed their elevators. It must have cost a pretty penny. I can only imagine what the special assessments were for the residents in the building.

Anyway, these elevators are all automatic. You push your floor number on a large keypad, and it then tells you which elevator (marked with letters) will be coming to fetch you. So you hit 3 and then it beeps and says “H” and you wait outside elevator H.

And then once you’re in the elevator there are no buttons. So if you were like “OH! I meant four, not three”, you’re screwed! You have to get out and go push that button and wait again for an elevator. It is the WEIRDEST thing! I felt like I was in some sci-fi movie.

I do not like these elevators, though. The loss of control of a situation was overwhelming. I didn’t like these robots telling me what to do! What if I want to take Elevator C? WHAT IF I HATE THE LETTER H?

It’s a good thing I don’t go there more often. I should probably not get pregnant any time soon. Or I might have to start taking the stairs. Which would suck as a pregnant person.


I worked from home yesterday because my doctor’s appointment was at 10:45 and my house is closer to the doctor than my office is. And I thought this would be the most productive use of my time.

I left  to head out to my car to drive to the doctor. I figured since  it was after 10 on a weekday morning, I wouldn’t run into anyone in the hallways. As I was walking out to my car, through the garage, I opened the door into this cute dude. Like I was so startled, I think I yelped! OUT LOUD! And to make it worse? I am pretty sure I was mid-audible-belch at the time!


Yep, this is why I’m single and only get action from a midwife.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


18 Responses to “VaJay, A-OK”

  1. Jenn says:

    No, that is why, when you find a guy, he will be the kind who rates your burps on a scale of one to 10 and cheers you on and gives you pointers for improving volume, duration, and depth. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything…

    Fun post. Have a great day!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Oh, For the Love of Bike… =-.

  2. Hilary says:

    I had my girlie doctor visit on Monday. To make the dreadful trip worse, as my dr was busy doing his thing, he decided to scold me for getting a sun burn. Talking is bad enough, scolding????
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..Dear Fellow Bridge Drivers =-.

  3. Raven says:

    I can’t think of anything more appropriate than a gyno being in the Playboy building.
    .-= Raven´s last blog ..wanting wednesdays =-.

  4. Lori says:

    Best blog post title EVER.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..{Nourish Your Inner Goddess Giveaway Winner!} =-.

  5. I’ve had 3 kids. You never get used to strange people poking around down there.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Bounty, Brawny, No Idea =-.

  6. Mahnee says:

    I’m fine…no warning or disclaimer needed!

    And, no…you never get used to it and continue to count the ceiling tiles or dots on the wallpaper to take your mind off the exam.

  7. Angella says:

    I’m with C @ Kidthings. Everyone under the sun DID see everything where the sun didn’t shine, but I still hate getting the exam done.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..I’ve Had Enough =-.

  8. Libby says:

    Every year my gyno asks about STD testing, and every year I remind her I’m married. Last year she said “well, you never know.” Then I went home and badgered my husband about whether or not he was cheating on my with my gyno.

  9. Scarlet says:

    Sooo funny story: the last time I went, I googled the phone number because hello, it’s once a year and I had gotten a new phone since then. So i called and scheduled it and then the day of I drove to the office…and was So confused by the address. I called and asked if they had moved offices and the woman was quite confused and said no. Turns out i had called the wrong dr. AWKWARD! It was mortifying when I tried to explain, but both offices have similar names! Praise Allah I have a year until I have to find that phone number again.
    .-= Scarlet´s last blog ..Ice, Ice, Baby =-.

  10. -R- says:

    Wait a minute! What about Mr. Left-the-Door-Unlocked?

    Those elevators sounds bizarre. And I press the wrong button all the time, so I would be screwed!
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Disconnect the Dots =-.

  11. mouncie123 says:

    Hate those appointments…Hey nice day today better see a blog about how you ran ; )

  12. marty says:

    I was wondering about Mr. Left-the-Door-Unlocked, too!

    I think we may go to the same OB/GYN practice. 12th floor? I hate those stupid elevators!

  13. Jenn says:

    My doc puts pin-ups of hot actors on the ceiling above ‘the chair’. LOVE her!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Oh, For the Love of Bike… =-.

  14. Noelle says:

    I feel similarly about my molly doctor. And don’t ever do what I did, which was add up how much I spent on visits to her, added it to how much I spent on birth control, and divided it by how many times I had sex in 2009. Each one of those (okay, BOTH of those) escapades cost me hundreds of dollars…

    Mine also keeps me waiting forever, but then she’s really complimentary, and said something to the effect of “with a uterus like that, you should have no trouble finding a great guy.”

  15. Me? Elevator nightmares. ALL. THE. TIME.

    These elevators you describe?

    Worst nightmare ever.

    Especially since if done CORRECTLY it lands you at vagina spelunking.

    Fail fail fail!

  16. Moose says:

    Mid-audible Belch is going to be the name of my kazoo band. Want to move to San Francisco and join? We can cruise the streets playing our kazoos like some haunting mating call.
    .-= Moose´s last blog ..Apparently I Missed Kindergarten (But I’ve Almost Caught Up) =-.

  17. regan says:

    I just read an article about how lots of buttons we push daily are actually pointless but designers leave them on to give us a sense of control. Like the buttons at crosswalks and the like.

    I’m also on the “had a baby and still don’t want people looking down there with a bright light” boat, but I suspect lots of my fellow gym members do not feel the same way.
    .-= regan´s last blog ..not willingly rocking a mohawk =-.

  18. man, it is just the most unpleasant experience. i like it less and less every year. how is that possible? it is the same! bah.

    oh those elevators are snazzy. it is supposed to be faster/more efficient/better. but you hate it. oh well.
    .-= michele (mouthy_broad)´s last blog ..June is for Camping =-.