Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on May 25, 2010

Ails. Is that a word? Is that the right use of the derivative of ailment? “A cure for what ails you”?

Anyway, don’t mind me, I’m back to posting on consecutive days and here I will yet again complain about my old body and its failings.

I woke up this morning with a sore back. I didn’t do any heavy lifting yesterday (or within the last 15 years), so I was a tad perplexed. Add that to the fact that the pain was right about where my kidneys are and it felt like someone had sucker punched me right in the pee-making organ overnight. And on top of it, I got up last night to pee a total of four times. Which is super odd as I prefer to never get up during the night because those are precious moments I could be sleeping. But at best, I’ll get up to pee once.

(Also, because I have an irrational fear of falling off the toilet while I’m peeing in the middle of the night because apparently one of the old coaches from the 49ers passed out one time and since he was standing up, bashed his head on the toilet and broke his jaw and was paralyzed or something. Because did you know that your blood pressure drops when you pee? And when you wake up from a sound sleep to pee, your blood pressure is already super low, so you could easily pass out whilst pissing on the pot in the middle of the night? Do you see why I don’t like to get up from a sound sleep to pee?)

Anyway, so I basically convinced myself that I had a kidney infection. I was like “back pain? CHECK. Frequent urination? CHECK. Kidney infection? CLEARLY A BIG CHECK!”

Well, it turns out, I don’t really have any other symptoms. Apparently I tweaked my back and I’m properly hydrated. The end.

But then I’m like “how the hell did I hurt my back?” I do not move much when I sleep, so I doubt it could have been from that. Like I mentioned, I haven’t carried anything heavy.

And just now, as I’m writing this post, from the comfort of my couch, I’ve pretty much figured out what the hell happened.

Remember this photo?

And how I moved the plant to the top of the entertainment center?

Well at 4 AM this morning, I heard a loud bang and shattering of glass. Somehow Simba had gotten on top of the entertainment center to eat that fucking plant and had knocked over all my picture frames. Glass + hardwood floors =

So at 4 AM, I chased Simba, caught him by the tail and then…did nothing because WTF am I going to do to a stupid cat at that hour of the morning? Not much. But at least I could go pee and now worry about low blood pressure.

I moved the plant to the kitchen counter because then at least he could feast on the plant without knocking anything over and I could get a few more hours of sleep. But before I went back to bed, I made sure that he couldn’t get back on the entertainment center. He was jumping from the ottoman there by the window to the top of the entertainment center. So at 4 AM, I picked up that heavy ottoman and moved it clear across the room so as to not cause any more disasters. At 4 AM! I’m pretty sure I didn’t lift with my legs.

So I think I solved the mystery of the phantom kidney infection. That is really a sore back. And I have since moved the plant to the balcony. Where Simba has forgotten all about it. Except for one wistful glance at it this morning as he said his goodbyes. After which I tried to put him in the shower with the water on to make him pay for his naughty behavior. Don’t cross me cat!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady, Medical Mishaps, Whine & Cheese | 10 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 24, 2010

The title of this post has nothing to do with anything. It will be a mish mash of things, yet there will be no mention of me taking a bath. I don’t really take baths. Which is a shame, since I have a nice jacuzzi tub. But I’ve only used it like twice. Want to know why? Because those tub jets are a pain in the ass to clean! So I wish I just had a normal tub. Or maybe I should start charging people to use my “jacuzzi”? I could open a day spa.

So I feel like I have to mention the fact that I only posted like twice last week. And then I’m sure you were all “what happened to Kristabella? Did she poop herself and die of embarrassment? Did she end up in the hospital because she pooped so much? Did she get caught itching her asshole because the poop problems have given her hemorrhoids?”

Well, it is none of the above. I was just lazy. Which is the story of my life, right? Actually, I had every intention to post something Thursday night. But then I watched the season finale of Grey’s and was PACING MY LIVING ROOM, so I couldn’t get up enough energy to think about anything besides SHOOTERS! AND BLOOD! And WORST SWAT TEAM EVER!

Although, I should have ended up staying up late and writing a post because I ended up not sleeping well and having nightmares about crazy gunmen. I mean, if I’m going to bother to dream about Grey’s Anatomy, couldn’t I at least be having sex with McDreamy, McSteamy or that new hottie, Avery?

So yeah, that’s what is new in Kristabellikstan. I think my poop issues have finally decided to get better. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking that I stopped the antibiotics over a week ago so I couldn’t still be having issues. YOU WOULD BE WRONG! Because as a nice commenter pointed out, I apparently had some sort of ailment, like Anus Explodus, that was causing this issue with me. It was brought on by the antibiotics and basically all the good bacteria in my colon was all “ABORT! ABORT! We’re being attacked!” And then that’s why I pooped. A lot.

So nice commenter Mia said to avoid carbs. She said that carbs were the devil. And really, at that point last week, I would have done anything to not poop 5 times a day. Lo and behold, it worked! Carbs ARE the devil to Anus Explodus. And now I’m doing a lot better and eating a lot of cheese. It’s really a perfect world.

And I think that is enough poop talk for this century!

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In other news, do you know what grubs are? Apparently they are some sort of bug that eats and destroys your lawn. I don’t know these things because I don’t have a lawn and I prefer that to having to keep up with a lawn.

So how do I know about grubs? Because this is the billboard I see every damn day on my way home from work. If I’m lucky, I get stuck at the light when all I can see is this:

Which hides the very disgusting critter on the front of the bag. Don’t believe me?

All I know is EXCELLENT MARKETING CAMPAIGN SCOTTS! I don’t even have a lawn and I want to buy your product to make sure I never have those creepy crawly things anywhere near me or my house!

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Finally, my sister is due to have her baby any minute. She’s technically due the 8th of June, but she’s super swollen and the doctor is worried about pre-eclampsia, so she might be having this baby sooner rather than later. She goes to the doctor on Wednesday to see what the verdict is.

Anyway, I bring her up because we had her baby shower on Sunday afternoon. It was a big party, there were like 50 people there. We played that melted candy bars in a diaper game and you had to guess which candy bar it was. It was enough to make me vomit. But I was at a good table and we got 100%! So I won a plant! And I tried to pawn it off on anyone, but I had no takers. Not because I don’t like plants, but because of of this:

I have since moved it to the top of the entertainment center and I just caught Simba trying to make a flying leap up there.

What’s new with you internet? Anyone want a plant?

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Crazy Cat Lady, Land of Random, Medical Mishaps | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 18, 2010

I hate cleaning. I’m not sure when this happened, but it has happened and it isn’t good.

I’m not a slob. I pick up after myself, mostly, and my house is not like a hoarder lives here. I do the dishes (because I have a dishwasher) and I don’t leave things just lying around. Mostly. But in my old age, I’ve become messier. And when you have two cats, it doesn’t help that laziness = cat hair tumbleweeds all around your condo.

This past Saturday evening, I was having people over. My oldest half-sister Alix was graduating from college. And since she went to Loyola, which is just a few short miles from my house, I offered to have people over for food and drinks after the ceremony. Most of my stepmom’s family lives much further away, so they weren’t coming, but we were going to have a small group of about 9 people. So nothing huge.

Obviously then, I needed to clean. Because, and I probably should not admit this, I hadn’t really cleaned for awhile. Like months. Like since Thanksgiving.

Oh, I clean the counters in the kitchen every now and then. The bathroom stays pretty clean. Ish. But, that’s about it. My place was disgusting. And it needed to be cleaned. But who wants to spend their weekends cleaning when you could be drinking or eating or watching TV? Not me, that’s for sure!

So I spent Friday night and pretty much most of the day Saturday cleaning. And cleaning. And then cleaning some more. I was sweaty and tired and sore, but my house was clean! Yay! And then I remembered how good it felt to be clean! And I thought “I really should do this upkeep more often!” And then I sat down on the couch to watch TV and I was like cleaning? Me? Hell to the no!

And I know that if I just cleaned a little every weekend, I wouldn’t have to spend 4 hours cleaning over a weekend every, ahem, 6 months. If I just kept it up, I could have spent most of my Saturday catching up on my DVR and not sweeping up errant pieces of cat litter.

I know this and yet? Nothing will probably change. In fact, I’ve already been Googling the prices and availability of a cleaning woman. Any takers?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, The Hizzouse | 16 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 16, 2010

Remember my Lensolution? When I tried to blog almost every day? What happened to that person?

Well, I will say, I have been busy. Work has been super busy. Then I was in Atlanta. And last week I was just busy and I was also having some, um, stomach issues. (THE TITLE MAKES SENSE NOW, HUH?)

I’m sure I’m telling you all old news, but did you know that taking antibiotics given you diarrhea? Can you believe I’m going to talk about poop on my blog? Rather than just writing  like crap. (Bah dum bum.)

Yeah, so I’ve been on antibiotics for the last 10 days. I just took my last dose tonight. I am very thankful for that because I would like to get my digestive system in order. When I first started having these issues last Sunday (I spent the whole day in bed and slept for 14 hours), I commented on Twitter about my loose stool. Regan then commented that I needed a probiotic because the antibiotics were taking the good and bad bacteria out of my system. So she told me to eat yogurt. But I don’t like yogurt, I said.

That Regan, always such a big help.

It was suggested that I try a probiotic pill instead of yogurt. I figured I was going to the store Monday night anyway, so I would just pick some up and all would be right with the world. But I didn’t write it on my list. And if I don’t write it on my list, I will forget. You would think the stomach pains would have reminded me, but you would be wrong.

But then it got better. I was still having more bowel movements than normal, but there wasn’t the cramping and the pain and I just figured that my stupid ass system just got used to it. It was clear sailing.

Oh, hahahahahaha self! You couldn’t have been more wrong.

Wednesday night came and I think I dropped about 47 Cosby kids off at school. Every time I peed, I pooped. It was a fun night, considering I was out at a BAR. In PUBLIC!

Anyway, Wednesday night sucked and I woke up Thursday morning with horrible cramps and pain. And I figured I would suck it up and go to work. Except, I forgot that since I went out Wednesday night right after work, taking the EL downtown, that my car was sitting in the parking garage at work. Which meant to get to work, I would have to take a bus and a train. And there would be no bathroom for an hour and 15 minutes. And I was pretty sure there was no way I was going to be able to do that without crapping my pants.

So that’s the poop, I mean the scoop. I’ve been keeping the Quilted Northern ladies quite busy with the high demand for their toilet paper. But they shouldn’t complain. It is a recession, they should be happy for the work and that we all haven’t switched to leaves and free newspapers.

It’s probably better to NOT write than to write about feces, right?

So people of the internet, what have you been up to? What other poo euphemisms do you use?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Medical Mishaps, Spinsterville Here I Come | 13 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 10, 2010

This title doesn’t really have anything to do with this post. Except I had Steak-umms for dinner. And it was Steak-YUMMS!

We ate them a lot growing up. The only thing I really remembered is that they burnt my mom’s hands with the splattering grease and that they made the house smell Steak-ummly delicious! But it has been about 20 years since I’ve had them. And they are still as good as I remember! And look, there is only one ingredient – BEEF! Who cares what part of the cow it is from! Steak-YUMMY!

In other news, I only posted one time last week because Ali and her family gave me an ear infection. She’ll try to tell you that she didn’t since no one else had an ear infection, but where the hell else would I have picked it up? I haven’t had an ear infection since I was like 2. They are no walk in the park, let me tell you. They are kind of a pain, like REALLY a pain. OUCH! At least it explained why I was feeling so run down. I must have been fighting something.

Now I either have allergies or a cold. But since they are pretty similar symptoms, I just don’t know. I’ve never had allergies before, so I’m not sure what they feel like. But I know you don’t feel as tired and run down. So since I slept for 14 hours Sunday night, I’m thinking it is probably a virus.

WHAT?!? 14 hours you ask? Why yes! I spent most of the day sleeping on Sunday. And then I took a four-hour nap at 5 PM, which was not the smartest move. And I could have slept straight through until morning, but I needed to take my antibiotics. So I got up and did some things around the house and then went to bed at 10:30. And I was CONVINCED I would be up in the middle of the night, and was prepared to regale all of you with my middle-of-the-night blogging tales. But I needed the rest because I slept until the alarm woke me up at 7:30 AM. Not knowing what day it was.

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So Saturday was my nephew’s First Communion. And Noah is also my Godson, so it was a big day for Auntie/Godmother. (I know! Someone made me a Godmother! The girl who mocks people in church!)

Anyway, it was pretty neat to see. I don’t actually remember my Communion, which was the last one I went to, so it was kind of cool to watch all these kids experience it.

On the way over to the church, Noah exclaimed “I can’t wait to eat the Eucharist!” And I was all “don’t get your hopes up too high, kid.” (See, Godmotherly duties right there.) And then he was all “I’m starving!”

After he received his first communion his response was what I would imagine most kids reactions are: “That bread was kinda stale.”

Skyler was a riot during church. She did not help my lack of attention span. She was giggling and then told us “I’m SLAPHAPPY!” And that she couldn’t “stop laughing!” Which only made my brother and me giggle more. Like I need anymore of a distraction at church besides judging people’s clothing choices.

But at least I got a photo of Noah, Skyler and me where we are all showered and dressed up!

I was definitely the hottest Godmother there!

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And finally, I just remembered this, so I thought I would share.

My friend Melissa and I were talking on Saturday night about transgender people. It came up because there was a chick on the Real World who used to be a man and Chaz Bono was recently in the news after having his/her surgery.

Melissa made some comment about how Chaz didn’t want to talk about the actual surgery. Here is how that conversation went:

Melissa: “you talk about everything else, but then when it comes to the actual details…”

Me: “then you clam up!”

Melissa: “HAHAHAHA! CLAM!”

And then we laughed for like 20 minutes. And then later in the night, someone said clam and we started laughing again! HA!

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And now I’m off to kill my sickness with Nyquil and get lots of rest. Because tomorrow night I get to have dinner and drinks with my friend Kristina, who is in town, and then I get to see Ali, who is in town for work! YAY!

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family, Land of Random | 15 Comments »
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