Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on June 4, 2008

On my recent trip to San Francisco, Bacon made his second cross-country trip with me. (His first was to Vegas in April.) In the group I was hanging out with in San Francisco, there were actually quite a few fans of Bacon. (Natch.) So I decided to let him out of the bag more. He gets really mad when he’s stuck in my laptop bag for days on end.

Bacon enjoyed his first trip on the bus and the EL on our way to O’Hare. And after passing the gridlocked, bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Kennedy heading out to the airport, I thanked the Lord for the CTA Blue Line and its ability to transport me to the airport quickly and easily and for under five dollars!

By the way, I waited until the train had no one else on it before I took this. I love Bacon, but I also don’t want to be the weird girl on the EL taking photos of a FOLDER.

Bacon also was stuck in the overhead compartment for the first time in his short life. Because the day before my flight, I hastily changed my seat online because they had a window seat open in the first row after first class. Which means more leg room. But also means you have to put all your belongings in the overhead bins. I finally pulled out my bag, which contained Bacon, after his screams were louder than the 15-month old baby in the back of the plane.

Once in San Francisco, Bacon took his first ride in a taxi cab. I made sure he buckled up because we didn’t need a repeat performance from my accident.

Bacon made his first trip out in public with a group. And while there were a few people familiar with Bacon, when you pull a folder out that says What Would Bacon Do? on it that has a real-looking bacon spinner, you will always get some stares.

On the trolley, he fit right in with the large group of people drinking loads of alcohol.

He gave Lori a big birthday hug.

He went into the bars with us, and made good use of his time.

And sometimes he rested it out on the trolley, while the rest of us used the urination stations.

After the trolley party, he joined us at Mel’s Diner for some late-night grilled cheese. He threw a temper tantrum and then got all pissy and stared out the window wishing for more time on the trolley with his adoring fans.

So we gave him a balloon to shut his fucking meat face.

But most of all, he enjoyed all the time he spent with our hosts, The Hoddys, Betsey and Matt. He’s so glad that Betsey was so kind and carried his ass around ALL night and let him experience things he’s never experienced. He couldn’t ask for better friends than Betsey and Matt.

Bacon wanted to make sure Betsey and Matt knew that they are so much nicer than that whore who owns him who shoves him in a laptop bag and zips him in tight.

Kristabella would like to let Betsey and Matt know that this is why I don’t care that he’s a little bent up. He gets so fucking lippy it’s a wonder I let him out anywhere.

*Ahem.*

Bacon had such a great time meeting people, enjoying all the things San Francisco has to offer, really getting out there and letting loose. He’s a little worse for the wear after his outing, but it is about time he really got out of his comfort zone and moved out of the safety of my apartment slash computer bag and really got out and met the people, the fans and even the people with the weird stares. He had a damn blast. And he has the battle scars to prove it. Which is all part of the trolley party initiation.

Welcome to the club, Bacon.

Category: Bacon, Travel | 30 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 3, 2008

I have no idea why in the two contests I’ve held here, the winner posts both have WINNAH in the title. And if you think that I don’t say it like a booth worker at a carnival, you would be wrong.

I loved, loved reading all your road trip stories! I myself am a huge fan of road trips. I really don’t mind driving anywhere. Which comes in helpful when you go to college in Arizona and drive back and forth every May and August, and also when you move from CA to Chicago and are too cheap unemployed to pay someone to drive it for you.

Without further a-do, it is now time to reveal the winner of the Driving Sideways book contest!

First, I put all the names in a bowl. Similar (read: exactly) to the last time.

And then Bacon drew out a name.

And the winner is Kristie! Congrats lady! Email me your mailing address and I’ll send it out you. I would say soon, but let’s face it, the last contest winners just got their Jen Lancaster books.

For those of you who didn’t win, don’t forget to go out and buy your copy of Driving Sideways right now! And be sure to drop by and tell Jess that she is fabulous!

Also, you will notice that Bacon looks like he’s been through the ringer in that photo above. Stay tuned for his stories about all his escapades in San Francisco. He’s very excited to have made it out in public and have some battle scars from his outing.

Category: All Things Blogging, Contests | 15 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 2, 2008

So thankfully my trip wasn’t all about bumping my head in a taxi cab accident. That small piece of my time was just something to talk about incessantly when I wasn’t talking about my BLAWG or Bacon. Because, holy shit people, I can talk about NOTHING ELSE.

My flight out to San Francisco (never to be called San Fran or Frisco EVER) was uneventful. I sat in the first row behind first class and I have never wanted wine at 10 AM more in my life. This older couple proceeded to get SAUCED on the free wine on the four-hour flight. I even overheard the flight attendant tell the old man “I should just bring you the bottle.” To which he replied, through slurred words, “You bet your sweet ass you should!”

Even more impressive was the drunk couple wandering the San Francisco airport shitfaced at 1 in the afternoon. It gave me a glimpse of what I will be like in 30 years. And I’m just all kinds of giddy

After I got in, I spent the afternoon wandering around the Marina, reminiscing about all the drunken good times I spent at the bars on Union Street. Thursday night I met Lori and her entire family out for dinner. The reason for this trip was to celebrate her 30th birthday. And now you can all see why we’re friends, since she too had a weekend long celebration for her 30th, just like yours truly. Her entire family came in to help her celebrate and they are awesome! They are like my surrogate family. Love them!

After dinner we went out for a lot of drinks. And I decided I was going to act like an 18-year old and drink every kind of alcohol available to me. I spent a lot of time with Marissa. She’s a BIG fan of this here blog. She said I inspired her to blog. (And also told me I need to ghost write it for her.) After dinner she sidled up to me at the bar like an old man preying on drunk women on 25-cent beer night, and declared that her whole goal for the weekend was to get mentioned on my blog. To which I responded “oh, you just did that. Mission asscomplished.”

Marissa is Lori’s cousin. And my new blog SUPER FAN. Or blog stalker. I’m still not sure where the line is yet. Isn’t she just the cutest? She is actually one of the funniest people I know. And I’m impressed that she’s so put together and has such a good head on her shoulders at such a young age. I also don’t like to hang out with her because she’s so damn cute and she’s funnier than me and I like to be the funniest person in any given room. Which is hard to do with this group because Lori’s family is hysterical.

In the photo above you can also see just how drunk I was. And there was more to be imbibed after this. And also one hell of a taxi ride.

Needless to say, I was HURTING on Friday. I actually slept until 2 PM. Which was fine with me because one, I was on vacation for fuck’s sake, two, I needed to make sure I was feeling good for the rest of the weekend and three, I lived there for six years so the touristy stuff wasn’t a huge priority for me. And it was also effing cold and foggy! (I know. Shocker, right? Foggy in San Francisco. But it never burned off and it was COLD. Even the weather biatch said it was “unseasonably cool” for this time of year.)

Friday was spent sleeping and catching up with my hosts, Betsey and Matt, AKA The Hoddys. And then we met the family group out for drinks later and had a low key night. Even though the restaurant was a little scary, with skulls and wild animals.

On Saturday, I enjoyed the lovely homeyness of the Hoddy B&B, highlighted by Pillsbury cinnamon rolls for breakfast. And then Betsey and I went out to the Union Street Festival for the day. I could tell stories from this festival, where I have spent many a drunken time. So it was just fate that I happened to be back in SF at the same time that my favorite festival was going on.

Well, it used to be my favorite festival. SF can learn a thing or two from Chicago about street festivals. The Union Street Festival has designated drinking areas in fenced in beer gardens. You are not allowed to walk the streets with a beer in your hand. Which is asinine. The bars along Union Street are open, but they are JAMMED with people. And I am old now and do not like crowds.

We walked around, looking at the booths with free Kashi treats, art and jewelry, which I’ve never actually done before. I’ve only ever gone to drink mass quantities of beer while squeezed into a small beer garden. I don’t think I actually even knew there were booths there until this weekend. We then decided to grab a tri-tip sandwich to eat, which quite possibly was the WORST SANDWICH I have ever eaten. And I want my $9 back. Because it was disappointing and made me wish I went with food on a stick. Any food on a stick. Food on a stick never disappoints you.

Finally, we found a cute bar that we decided to check out since we wanted a beer to wash away the horrible memories of the TRI-TIP SAMMICH FROM HELL. We ended up at this cute Italian restaurant and scored a table right near the entrance. And then we proceeded to drink beer and people watch, complete with mocking and judging, for about three hours. It was a fabulous time.

The highlight was some guy who asked a girl to video tape him and his friends doing two shots and drinking a beer. “Hmmm,” Betsey and I thought. “That’s a weird thing to record.” Until asshat tells this strange chick that he’s video taping his friend that just fell off the wagon after going through rehab and being sober for seven years. SEVEN YEARS! And apparently he was taping him so that when he fell into a downward spiral again, he could show him the video tape so he’ll get his ass to rehab again. Why would you encourage his drinking in THE FIRST PLACE?????

Betsey was all “I hope that is not a pick-up line.” And Lord help us if it was. You’d have to be the worst person ever to find that endearing. I just think this guy was socially retarded. Because later he was talking about how he lives in Portland and hates it because it is so gloomy and “much more monochromatic” than San Francisco. (Head scratcher there, pal.) And then told this girl, that he was apparently hitting on, “I call my mom and I tell her how depressing it is and I cry. All the time.”

And then I punched myself in the face. And had some more of these.

Saturday night was the BIG BIRTHDAY EVENT. We were having a trolley party, which essentially means you pay some money to have a motorized cable car drive you all over the city all whilst drinking lots and lots of alcohol. And then you stop at a few bars along the way, mostly to pee, and get back on the trolley where you’ve already paid for your liquor. It is a fabulous time full of fabulousness.

And I think Lori had a great time ringing in a new decade! I know I had fun helping her!

I had such a great time. I love to travel, but I am also a homebody and such a creature of habit. I can usually manage for a few days and then I start to miss my bed and my stupid cats and just my routine. This was the first time that I can ever remember where I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to move back rightthissecond. I miss that fabulous city. But, even more, I miss my friends.

And I know that moving back there wouldn’t be the same as it was when I lived there because so many of my friends have moved away. But I I miss my friends, my friends that I can have a great time with no matter what we are doing, my friends that saw me through some of the most important years of my adult life. Friends who you can just sit around and laugh with until your head hurts from the lack of oxygen. Friends who truly know you inside and out and love you all the same. That is what I miss.

:::

Later this week: Bacon shares his escapades from the trip. Including his first ever trip on public transportation and on a trolley!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, Gotta Have Friends, Hooch Hilarity, Travel | 24 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 1, 2008

I’m back from my fabulous trip to San Francisco. And while I had all intentions of posting while I was out there on vacation, I just didn’t have a lot of time. That time was better spent drinking and laughing and hanging out with good friends.

Since I’m exhausted and have to actually go into work tomorrow (yuck), I will share probably the most exciting and most fitting story from the weekend.

This is a story of why you should always wear your seat belt in taxi cabs.

There once was this girl named Kristabella. She had a weird knack of having Chicago cab drivers fall in love with her. They would give her huggy-huggys, they would give her their numbers and they would offer to take her out on fabulous dates at Starbucks where she would probably not understand a word they are saying because none of them speak good English. Which she forgets because she is drunk when all this happens. Because Kristabella is responsible and when she is drinking, she takes a cab so as not to drink and drive.

We join our heroine in San Francisco after a long, long night. Kristabella is in a group leaving the Holy Cow bar South of Market, heading to bed after being up for nearly 22 hours, since she left early the previous morning from Chicago.

Kristabella is staying with friends in the Marina area of town, so she jumps in a cab to head back to rest her sleepy, drunk head. She gets into the back seat and gives the driver instructions and then sits back and hopes that all the lights on Van Ness are timed right and she can make it home in record time.

At this point, our heroine has had three glasses of wine at dinner, a beer, an Irish Car Bomb and a few rum and cokes. Needless to say, she’s pretty shitfaced and is going to be regretting mixing every kind of alcohol ever created tomorrow. So she’s not as alert as maybe she should be.

The cab driver is going along, accelerating and then slamming on the brakes like he’s never driven before. We approach the light near Van Ness and O’Farrell and our heroine happens to look up after the cabbie floors the gas pedal just in time to see a light turning yellow and a silver car turning left getting awfully close to us.

And then WHAM! We smash right into the silver car! I slide off the seat as asshat tries to brake and then when we hit the other car, my head whiplashes back into the seat so hard that I get an immediate bump and a headache. Good thing I’m drunk or I’m sure I would have been in more pain.

At this point, the asshole cab driver is stuck in the intersection because apparently if you T-bone another car, yours won’t start from the impact. Meanwhile, a cop come up and starts screaming at the cab driver through his little PA system because the jackass is sitting in the middle of the intersection.

Somehow the cab pulls over to the side of the road. I think he put it into neutral and the cop pushed him. At this point the cop opens the back door as asks me if I’m OK. I don’t actually look at him, so I assume it is the cop. I just stare straight ahead, rub my bump on my head, think that only these things happen to me, and tell the cop that I’m OK.

The cop leaves. Well, in my drunk memory the cop leaves. Some corporatey type fellow from the cab company comes to the scene to do all the paperworky stuff and whatever else needs to be done. The cab driver asks me if I want to wait or if he should get me another cab. I debate walking down the street at 2 AM because riding in another cab? DO NOT WANT.

The cab company guy then steps in and says he’s getting me another cab and that I don’t have to pay for it. I’m just standing there with my mouth gaped open because HOLY SHIT! MY CAB JUST T-BONED SOMEONE! And also, OF COURSE I’M NOT PAYING!

They take my name and number, which I would love to get my hands on because after that much alcohol it probably looked like hieroglyphics. They tell me that I may have to be a witness. And I just keep saying, over and over, “I don’t live here. I live in Chicago.” In my head that meant “I’m drunk so nothing I would ever testify about would be admissible in court.”

The new cabbie comes and takes me home. He is a very nice guy, very apologetic. He tries to chit chat with me, but at this point I think what came out of my mouth was “ZOMG, suvfneiov dwionerion ewimpfnmierwp.” Talking coherently was not on my list of things that I was capable of at that moment. He dropped me off and I feel bad because I should have tipped him since he wasn’t the moron who got in an accident. But like I said, booze + bumps on the head = INSANITY!

I am fine. My head still hurts a little, but it could have been a lot worse. I now will always put my seat belt on in cabs because I don’t need to tell another one of these stories. I’d prefer to stick with the cab drivers asking for huggy huggy.

:::

Tomorrow: Tales from my long weekend in San Francisco. Complete with my first-ever blogging SUPER FAN. (Hi Marissa!)

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, Travel | 38 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on May 28, 2008

I first met Jess Riley back in November when I bursted out of my shell and actually went to a strange, loud bar and met a few strangers that I had only known from the internet.

Thankfully, I got to hang out with her since then, in a quieter atmosphere. And knew I loved her for life when she almost passed out from excitement and the internal squeeeeing after sitting next to Jen Lancaster at Eileen Cook’s book signing.

(Ohmygod, I like know all these authors now and isn’t that the coolest?) 

Jess is a talented, funny, beautiful author who just had her first novel released! I love her and she’s from Wisconsin. And that is saying a lot since I generally hate all things Wisconsin. And since I’m willing to whore myself out for free books for myself (and for one lucky reader, of course), I’ve agreed to help pimp her new novel, Driving Sideways.

Here is the description of Driving Sideways from Amazon:

Leigh Fielding wants a life. Seriously. Having spent the past five years on dialysis, she has one simple wish: to make it to her thirtieth birthday. Now, thanks to the generosity of the late Larry Resnick and his transplanted kidney, it looks like her wish may come true.

With her newfound vitality (and Larry’s kidney) in tow, Leigh hits the road for an excursion that will carry her from Wisconsin to California, with a few stops in between: Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Rockies, Las Vegas–and a memorable visit to thank Larry’s family for the second chance.

Yet Leigh’s itinerary takes a sudden detour when she picks up a seventeen-year-old hitchhiker, Denise, a runaway with a bunch of stories and a couple of secrets. Add a long-lost mother, a loaded gun, an RV full of swingers, and Hall and Oates’s Greatest Hits to the mix, and Driving Sideways becomes a hilarious and original journey of friendship, hope, and discovery.

In addition, Jen Lancaster thought it was so phenomenal she wrote the cover quote for Jess. Which, is a big deal in the book world.

So in advance of all the accolades and fame and fortune which will be bestowed on Jess in the very near future from her debut novel, I asked her if she had any pressing questions that Bacon might be able to answer for her. You know, in case there were some things keeping her awake at night that could only be answered by “Hang Out With Hash Browns.”

She told me that yes! Yes, she had something she just HAD to ask Bacon. Because she too is a fan of Bacon. (Who isn’t really?)

Jess: Dear all-knowing and wise Bacon, I sent a copy of Driving Sideways (out now in bookstores or available for purchase online, go get your copy today!) to Cojo (aka Steven Cojocaru for those of you not in the know) because he has PKD and a kidney transplant. Will Cojo like my book?

Bacon: Well, Jess, who wouldn’t love your book Driving Sideways (available for an amazing price on Amazon.com and eligible for FREE Super Save Shipping! Buy yours today!)? Cojo will read you book and then he will “Put the ‘B’ in BLT” and BROADCAST to the world that your book is fabulous and that EVERYONE MUST READ IT!

Jess: Bacon, you are the best! Thank you! But Bacon, if that is the case, does this mean that I have to stop wearing my dirty flip-flops out in public?

Bacon: Well, yes. One, because when Cojo BROADCASTS to the WORLD how fabulous your book is, you’ll be able to buy all the $5 flip-flops your heart desires. And also your arms will be so tired from carrying around all the big bags of money! And two, Bacon says “Smoke” because you need to burn those nasty-ass, dirty flip flops and buy you a new pair, honey.

(And apparently Bacon just turned into Miss J from America’s Next Top Model. I knew watching eight straight hours of that this weekend would come back to haunt me.)

In honor of Jess and all her fabulousness, I am giving away one SIGNED COPY of Driving Sideways to a lucky reader!

To enter, leave a comment about your best (or worst) road trip story. Or say nice things about me and/or Jess. Flattery will get you everywhere! Winners will be chosen by Bacon in a random drawing next week after we get back from San Francisco. The contest will end Monday, June 2.

Good luck! And tell all of your friends to go out and buy Driving Sideways so that Jess can stop walking around Wisconsin in nasty, dirty flip-flops. (Note: Dirty flip-flops not featured on cover.) 

Category: All Things Blogging, Bacon, Contests | 34 Comments »
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