Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on June 12, 2008

Hey! What’s up? I am drunk. I have been to two Cubs games in two days. Which, do you know how many beers that mans I’ve consumed? The answer is A LOT.

I have to tell you a few things:

1. Beer is good
2. A cab driver hit on me AGAIN. I can’t even begin to tell you how weird it is. I do not make this shit up. But he gave me his phone number. I have so man cab driver phone numbers in my phone it is frightening.
3. The people at the Mexican place by my house not only know me, they know my name. It’s a testament to how awesome their food is. I think they think that I’m fat and they love that I love Mexican food.
4. I hate my dentist.
5. I had like seven funny things to tell you, but I have since forgotten them.
6. DO YOU WANT A BACON SHIRT? You know you do. Then go HERE or HERE and order your shirt! Yay!

I have to go to bed. Because I have to go through my posts tomorrow to see what I should submit for the BlogHer thing. Plus, if I haven’t mentioned, I am drunk.

OK. Thanks. Goodbye!

Category: All Things Blogging | 28 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 10, 2008

Yesterday my good blogging pal Jodifur wrote a post about how her three year old little boy, Michael, came home and informed her that communists were bad. And she’s wracking her brain wondering where on Earth he heard it because how does that come up in conversation? With a three year old?

So I was emailing with her yesterday about it because I find it absolutely hilarious, especially since her little guy blamed the day care provider, who adamantly denies teaching three year olds about Communism.

Here is how our conversation went:

Jodifur: But I have no idea where he heard that.

KJ: Russian cartoons?

J: I think someone said something in daycare. Maybe GI Joe?

KJ: The funny thing is, how does that come up in conversation? I never say communist in normal daily conversation.

J: I know. It is weird.

KJ: I’m going to talk about communists tomorrow.

J: Just drop it in – I know a 3 year old who says communists are bad guys.

KJ: And then I’ll be all “I think he is wrong. Let’s discuss.”

J: That’s hysterical. Let me know how that goes.

KJ: I’m excited to have something to do tomorrow!

J: You should blog about it.

KJ: You are a genius.

Well, needless to say I did not talk about communists today. I actually didn’t even actually remember until the end of the day and didn’t want to be one of the other crazy people on my bus yelling and flailing their arms and eating their own hair. I actually try to draw the least amount of attention to myself on the bus because I already draw a lot of stares being like the only white person on the bus who gets off/on deep in the heart of the south side of Chicago.

But then I decided, what would it be like if I were to do it? What if I made my goal for the day to non-chalantly bring up communists in every day conversation with everyone I talk to? And then I realized I could just fake it and it would probably be funnier. Because if I did it at work I would get blank stares and people fleeing.

Example #1

Me: Hey co-worker, what do you think of my new shirt? Don’t I look good in red?

Co-Worker: Yeah. It really goes with your hair and skin tone.

Me: Good, because I have a feeling I’m going to be wearing a lot of red when I become a Communist. See you later, alligator!

Co-Worker: *blink blink*

~~~~~

Example #2

Boss: Hey Kristin, would you mind proofreading this document?

Me: Of course. Although, you even asking me is blatantly exploiting me.

Boss: What? It is YOUR JOB.

Me: It’s OK. I’m a communist. And apparently am catching on quickly in my Communism 101 classes at the Y! But don’t you worry, I won’t let it affect my job.

~~~~~

Example #3

Me: (holding out a pair of jeans) Excuse me, would you like these?

Homeless woman at bus stop: Um, are you offering me your PANTS?

Me: Yep. Do you want them?

Woman: Can I ask WHY you are offering me your pants?

Me: I’m living as a communist.

Woman: And what do jeans have to do with it?

Me: All I remember about the Soviet Union from the 80s was how the government ran up the price on denim and normal, everyday people could not afford such a luxury. So I’m giving up my jeans.

Woman: I don’t think that makes you a Communist. I think it makes you an idiot.

~~~~~

Example #4

Me: Man, that Joseph McCarthy was quite a tool.

Neighbor: That teeny bopper singer? Yeah, he’s kind of a tool, I guess.

Me: No, that is Jesse McCartney. I’m talking about Joseph McCarthy.

Neighbor: Drawing a blank, sorry.

Me: Why the fuck can’t you just be a communist so we can have a normal conversation?

~~~~~

Example #5

Me: That Marx guy was one funny dude.

Mom: Yeah, I know. I loved the Marx brothers. Groucho was my favorite.

Me: I like Karl best.

~~~~~

I think these fake conversations went better than any real life one could have gone. Do you think this puts me on some list with the government?

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 9, 2008

Tonight, I logged into my blog admin site and imagine my surprise when I found out some loyal reader (thanks Sarah!) nominated my blog for a Blogger’s Choice Award! Now, I know that I can never win when I’m nominated with fucking Dooce, but really, it is honor to be nominated. So, if you are so inclined to throw a little love my way, feel free to click on the link on the right and vote for me. Or you can vote here or here.

Or not. I still love you. Maybe.

And then I also noticed that the one of the posts I submitted to the War Child charity book that Peach organized was chosen to be PUBLISHED IN THE BOOK! So I’m technically “published”! How awesome is that? Now if I can just remember what I submitted!

(Upon further review, I submitted this one for my 30th birthday and this one about being hypnotized.)

Anyway, go buy the book here. Proceeds from the sales of the book will go to War Child, an organization that helps children who have been affected by the devastation of war.

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In other news, I bought myself something tonight that I can’t really afford. I BOUGHT A NEW CAMERA!

I’ve been in the market for a new one, and since things are a tad slow at work right now, I spent Friday researching what I want and what I could afford. I WANT a DSLR, but know nothing about taking photos out of the Auto mode. So, Raven helped me and told me about the Canon Powershot S5, which is a step up from regular compact digital cameras and a step below a DSLR. And let me tell you, I LOVE IT ALREADY!

It’s just sad that all I can take photos of are my stupid cats. Because I’m too lazy to get off the couch. All these photos were taken from the comfort of my couch, with my ass making a nice imprint.

A photo of my kitchen table from the couch. Kitty Kitty is sleeping under the chair.

And here is how far it zoomed! Kitty Kitty napping underneath my jeans drying on the chair, near some pieces of litter strewn about because her owner is a LAZY WHORE WHO NEVER CLEANS.

I’m in lurve. I may not be able to afford it, but I love my new camera all the same. Now I need to just learn me how to use it!

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And finally, my friend Betsey, who is awesomely talented (if you don’t believe me, check out her Etsy shop Buzz Loves), made some designs for our Shut Your Fucking Meat Face shirts.

Here are the two finalists, according to me. I am leaning towards the second option and taking out the word fucking, since I don’t know how appropriate it is on the shirt.

But maybe we tweak it to “Shut Your Effing Meat Face”?

Let me know your thoughts!

Category: All Things Blogging | 36 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 8, 2008

I wanted to let you all know that. Because as much as I complain about having no air conditioning, that is somewhat of a lie. I do own a window A/C unit that I install in my bedroom window. So I am allowed the pleasure of sleeping without my skin sweating so much that I make puddles next to the bed, on which I slip and break my neck each morning as I get out of bed. So there’s that.

But it is only in my bedroom. And I try to only run it in the evenings. Because those damn things use energy like it is going out of style. And my electric bill quadruples in the summer from that, the fans and because I stand most of the evening in front of the open freezer trying to cool my head off.

So today I installed the air conditioner. Since last summer, the stupid side panels that block out some of the hot air and bugs, were torn and beat up. So now I’ve gone 100% white trash style and have installed cardboard box side panels. The classy. I has it.

Thankfully I still have both my cats as well. Seeing as the one I didn’t step on, decided to jump on the windowsill and have a look-see right when there was no screen. She almost fell to her hairbally death.  See, I do love them. Some days I probably would have pushed.

In other news, this weekend I went to the Printer’s Row Bookfair in Chicago. I went and met Swishy and Manic there to go see Jen Lancaster and Stephanie Klein speak on a writer’s panel. And I also had the pleasure to meet Trish Ryan, who was speaking at the festival on Sunday. And let me just say, she is AWESOME! The line at the book signing was out of control. The Printer’s Row people were not planning on such a big crowd, apparently. After we got in a line that wasn’t really a line because there was no one there directing people and it was a big old cluterfuck, we were told we wouldn’t be getting in. So Trish, complete with her AUTHOR badge, bullied the idiot security man, flashed her badge, and we got in and got seats. She is my new hero. Go out now and buy her book He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

The Printer’s Row people actually must have their heads up their asses. I haven’t been to Jen’s appearances at this fest before, so I don’t know the crowds she has drawn in the past. But I do know that the crowds for this book singing were way more than the last book, so maybe that was what the Printer’s Row people based it off of.

But then I realized that Billy Williams was in the same room. Not Billy Dee Williams, otherwise I would have run up to him and been all “Oh Lando, I lurve you. Let’s open up a Colt 45 and get busy.” (Did you know his middle name was December? I seriously just thought it was Dee.) (And when I thought of that Lando Calrissian line, last night when I was sleeping, I about wet myself from laughing so hard. And then I realized it was just all the SWEAT because it was 90 degrees.)

It was Billy Williams, the Hall of Fame ex-Cub. Did they not think people, IN CHICAGO mind you, would come to see him? Why would you stick him in a room with about 60 seats? They must assume Chicagoans don’t read.

Anyway, the panel was pretty interesting. I don’t know much about Stephanie Klein, and what I had heard in the past wasn’t the most pleasant of stuff, but she is funny and seems to be a nice person. I will have to check out her books now.

The rest of the weekend I spent watching libe power doppler radar on my local news website because we had tornadoes and storms and OH MY GOD! I HAVE NO BASEMENT! I LIVE ON THE THIRD FLOOR! HOW WILL I TAKE MY CATS WITH ME?!?!?

So I just watched these raging storms take over Illinois. With the red and yellow and orange and pretty colors on the doppler. And then I watched the rain fall sideways out the window. And then I wondered what will I do if there is a tornado at night? I don’t even wake up during a four-alarm fire! And then I realized I need MORE THINGS TO DO.

So I bought a new blow dryer online and did my laundry. And am now up to date with the latest Real World season in Hollywood. And boy howdy am I glad that asshat Greg is off the show.

And that was my sweaty, sweaty weekend. I know you’re all jealous.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me | 27 Comments »
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Posted By Kristabella on June 5, 2008

Guess what? Summer is officially here. Not the summer solstice kind of official, but the unofficial THE HUMIDITY IS SLOWLY KILLING ME AND MAKING ME STABBY arrival of summer.

I have a few things to say about this.

1. I am excited. I get to wear flip flops. Which is the one thing that will make me happy always.
2. On Tuesday, May 27, about 10 days ago, it was 48 degrees. FORTY EIGHT DEGREES! I wanted to wear my winter coat because HOLY SHIT! I think the wind chill that day was in the upper 30s(!), but I refused because wool coats should NOT be worn in almost-June in Chicago. Ever.
3. We went from like 48 degrees to 75 to 90 degrees! Like overnight.
4. My current haircut does not like humidity. I blow dry it in the morning, it is straight and has a slight bit of volume to it. Then I get to work, look in the mirror and realize I look a strung out crack whore who just woke up after sleeping in a cardboard box under the expressway. It gets all stringy and flat and FUGLY. DO NOT WANT!
5. It is not snowing. This is a good thing.
6. But it also means I have to install that heavy, cumbersome window air conditioner unit like yesterday.
7. Cranky season for KJ has officially opened.

SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE

So last night I stepped on my cat. And that is not a euphemism for having hot, hot sex. I actually stepped on my cat. And I don’t mean like I accidentally stepped on a small part of his tail. I mean I crushed my cat’s entire torso under my ginormous, ski-like feet.

The ceiling fan in my bedroom doesn’t have separate switches for the light or fan. So if the fan is on (which it will be from now until October) and I need light in my room, I have to step on the bed and pull the chainy thing.

Last night I needed to turn the light on, so I stepped on my bed, pulled the chain and stepped back down.

“Hmmmmm,” I wondered. “When did my hardwood floor get so squishy?”

So I look down and there is my cat Simba underneath the weight of my foot. And he’s not really making any noise, but that might have been because I stepped on his neck and chest, FLATENING HIM, and he probably had a little trouble getting air into his lungs. Seeing as a chubby giant was standing on HIS NECK.

I freaked out. Well, actually I yelled at him for following me so closely. Because what the fuck cat? You brought this on yourself!

But then as I stepped my foot back, as to remove my flip flop from his chest cavity, I slipped and fell forward. So I stepped on him AGAIN.

Then I was worried about the other cat. What if she saw me step on Simba? She’d never get close to me again. (Which isn’t such a bad thing when it is 90 degrees in your apartment and she is a walking ball of hair.) So I turn, guiltily, and look out the bedroom door. And there she is. FROZEN. Staring at me, mouth agape, horrified and wondering how hard it would be to chew her way through the window screen and jump three stories to FREEDOM!

And now just thinking about it makes me laugh so hard that I pee a little and as we speak the stupid cat is trying to sit on my lap and lick my arm because apparently he has forgotten that I STEPPED ON HIM! TWICE!

I also find anyone falling absolutely hysterical.

SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE

So The Hotfessional sent me an email today telling me about the BlogHer Open Mic thingy that they are having at the annual conference in July. You submit a post in one of the five categories and if they like you, like really like you, you get to stand up in a room full of people and read your post out loud.

Did you read that correctly? YOU STAND UP IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS AND READ SOMETHING YOU HAVE WRITTEN OUT LOUD! FOR ALL THE HEAR!

That sound you heard was the THUD of me passing out and falling off the couch onto the hardwood floors.

So I wrote The Hotfessional back and was all “are you fucking insane? Do I need to call 911 and have them send a truck to take you to the funny farm? Because hell no! You are insane! And have I mentioned you are insane?”

And then I told my mom, and she’s all “it will prepare for you for your future book tours.” (Don’t you just love my mom and always with the ENCOURAGING?)

And Raven told me she’d be there for moral support if I got picked and would not point and laugh at all. To my face, at least.

Then I realized that The Hotfessional TOLD me I should do it. And I lurve her and will do as she says. Otherwise she may beat me up with her shit-kicking boots. Have you seen those heels?

I’m going to be reading though my archives and pick a few for you to choose from. Because I need help and can do nothing on my own. Too bad the Bacon ones can’t really stand alone (I mean without confusing a whole room of people) because his posts would be a shoo-in.

SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE

People, I REALLY want to make the Bacon: Shut Your Fucking Meat Face shirt that Jenn suggested and you all seem to also WANT WANT WANT! But I have no design skills! Or any idea about how to go about it! So I need your help! We need someone to make a Bacon “Shut Your Fucking Meat Face!” design for a shirt. And then I can post it on CafePress.com and the genius of Bacon will SWEEP THE NATION.

Any halp any of you can provide would be teh awesome. Kthxbai!

SHUTYOURFUCKINGMEATFACE

And now it is time to eat my third bowl of ice cream and wring out my underwear. In no particular order of importance.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 32 Comments »
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