Kristabella: Full of Snark Since 1977

Posted By Kristabella on May 27, 2008

I now have that Debbie Gibson song in my head. (“As real as it may see-eem, it was only in my dreams.”) 

So this past weekend I had some interesting dreams. And since I had book club tonight, which means there is usually always alcohol involved (at least for me. Frozen sangria, ZOMG!), I have to write something quick and light. 

(“No. No, no no. Only in my dreams.”) 

On Sunday night, after a day of stuffing my face with Italian beef and Italian sausage and cake and some more Italian beef, I had a weird dream. It was more like a nightmare because I woke up PANICKED and sweating. And I blame it solely on all the meat I consumed.

I got fired. This is actually the second dream in recent months that I’ve had like this. The first dream I got fired for my blog by Aaron Eckhart. Which was just weird in itself. But scary because what if I was now psychic and was going to get fired for my blog? AGAIN. And then my head exploded. 

This weekend’s dream involved me and a co-worker getting the boot. Said co-worker has already received her 60 days notice and in the dream was getting fired mere days before her 60 days were up. We were LIVID because that means she wouldn’t get her severance package. I, on the other hand, was just getting plain old fired and there would be no severance. And because I’m nice even in my dreams, I was more mad for her!

The reason for the firing? We spent too much time on the internet! Which is true! ZOMG! But only because things are a little slow right now!

(I am seriously starting to think that maybe my tiredness could be STRESS RELATED. Ya think?) 

The weirdest part is that I was getting fired by a group. And the whole group was all of my old co-workers from the 49ers. The person doing the firing? Our old intern Matt! I was getting fired BY AN INTERN! That was worse than no severance. And let me tell you, I was livid in my dream. 

(“Noooooooo. Only in my dreams. As real as it may see-eee-eem, it was only in my dreams.”)

And then I jolted awake and vowed to spend less time on the internet at work. Which, well, hasn’t really happened yet. But there is always tomorrow! 

Monday night’s dream was just as weird. And kind of involved work as well. In the dream, I was sleeping (Yes, I was dreaming about sleeping. I need to get out more) and rolled over to check the clock to see how many more hours I had left. The clock said 7:30 AM, so I freaked out because I was LATE! At that point, I looked at my cell phone to make sure something hadn’t happened to my alarm clock, like the power went out or something, because what else would explain my alarm NOT going off? My cell phone said 8:30 AM! Holy shit! Now I was super late for work. I was sure to be FIRED! 

I’m not exactly sure what happened after that. I know I got ready and went to work and was all “oh my God! My clocks said two different things! And the cell phone clock is ALWAYS right because it goes off the satellite in the sky that controls it and makes sure you always have the right time, no matter the time zone.” 

And then my co-worker was all “didn’t you hear? The satellite broke and it screwed up the phones and all the phones in the world were an hour ahead.” 

The cell phone clock satellite broke! That is completely believable. And totally feasible. How would the world know the EXACT time? What kind of world are we living in? A world where we can’t trust cell phone clocks is a world I do NOT want to live in. 

In the end, I was a bit relieved that I wasn’t as late to work as I had originally imagined because OMG! The cell phone clock satellite thingy was BROKEN! Thank God I set my real, plug-into-the-wall alarm clock. Whew! See people? Technology isn’t all it is cracked up to be. 

So what do you think this all means? That I may be in need of a vacation?

:::

In other news, I got a parking ticket this morning. Because it is Tuesday, not Monday, and Tuesday is street cleaning day. And I’m pretty sure the meter maids needed to meet a ticket quota because I’ve never seen them out before 8 AM and then today, the day after a holiday on top of it, there they were, their happy, ticketing asses catching everyone up and down the streets of Chicago.

But then after work I saw this and everything was OK. And I know what I’m doing on Monday!

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, A Day in the Life of Me | 23 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 26, 2008

I just realized this morning that I have had that drunk post up for far too long. And that maybe people would think that I was lying in a gutter with red wine coming out my pores since no one has heard from me after a $5 wine induced drunken haze.

I did spend most of my weekend drinking. But I did not end up in any gutters. But I did wake up on some strange couch with a rat sleeping on my stomach on Sunday morning. But then I realized I was at my sister’s and that was her annoying purse dog sleeping on me.

I didn’t do any drinking on Friday, but I did meet up with Marianne and got to meet her little guy, Nathan. It was great! I love me some babies! And he is so adorable!

Yes, he’s totally about to cry in that last photo. But it so isn’t because of me. There must have been a monster in that Starbucks posing as a barista.

The rest of my weekend was all about graduation. My half-sister Kelsey graduated from high school. And since high school classes are like 8,345 people now, they are running out of places to hold them. So her graduation ceremony was Saturday night at 8 PM, which has to be the most inconvenient time for that sort of thing, at some bigger indoor arena and then her party was on Sunday.

After the ceremony on Saturday night, we went out for a few drinks. And since it was like the only bar close to the arena, half of the faculty from my sister’s high school showed up. And she and her older sister got all excited and were hugging their teachers and catching up.

Which made me think, is this normal? I don’t think I could name like five of my high school teachers. And if I saw them, especially like two years after graduation, I would not be hugging. I would be slinking down in my seat and hiding. Kids today are weird.

The party on Sunday was fun. I love my stepmom’s family. They are so funny and all we seriously do is laugh and drink alcohol. What could be better? Well, that is until the drama starts. I tell you, every party they have, there is some sort of fight or someone storming out, or someone not talking to someone else. Two years ago at the last graduation party, my stepmom’s one sister STORMED out of the house in a huff and proceeded to get in the wrong car and try to drive away. And it took her longer than you would think to realize that small fact. Meanwhile, we were all watching her. Laughing AT her. We still bring it up.

Sunday had some drama as well. Towards the end of the day, when everyone was getting ready to leave, one of the little girls at the party fell off the slide in the back yard and hurt her arm. She either dislocated her elbow or broke her arm. That poor thing couldn’t lift her arm and couldn’t stop crying, she was in so much pain. Talk about a buzz kill. Kids! Geesh!

My other plans this weekend were to do laundry, clean, do dishes, run errands and get ready for my trip to San Francisco on Thursday. (SQUEEEEE!) I managed to get laundry done and the dishes. And then I turned the TV on. That thing will suck me in like a homing beacon every time. (Like Saturday when I watched a marathon of America’s Next Top Model on MTV.) And it was an actual, honest-to-goodness nice day in Chicago. So I opened the windows while I watched TV and read my book and maybe napped a little.

But at least I have clean underwear to wear to work and clean spoons to eat with. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging | 14 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 21, 2008

Can I tell you? It is hard to type when you have had some alcoholic beverages. The backspace key, it becomes your best friend. I shall (who says shall when they are drunk?) try to catch all misspellings, but I’m guessing I won’t. And that will be even funnier.

I went to a bar tonight that had $5 wine night. Wait. I mean it was $5 a glass. Not $5 a bottle. Because that would be awesome if we had $5 bottles. Because a woman that I love, who has worked at my company for almost 40 years, is getting the boot next week. That is sad. And sad means $5 glass of wine night.

But I figured I should post since I have not been good this week already. And my boyfriend David Cook won American Idol. And this might be my las tpost before I run away with him. You know, after he comes to Chicago and sees my beauty and realizes he needs to run away with me.

And really, isn’t no post better than this post? Although, if I left the mistypings (is that a word?) it would be funnier. (Funnier is not an actual word. Except in this context.) (Also, I would like to point out, as a drunk person, I am a very slow typer and this sentence took me 173 minutes to finish.)

Other than that, my friend Jenn got engaged. And sadly, that is the most exciting thing in MY life. And also, my half-sister Kelsey is graduationg from high school this weekend and venturing on to the land of beer and parties (sorry Patty.)

And oh. My. God. This is the worst post ever. I must go to bed and dream of my Jersey Boys singers since I listen to the soundtrack all the time and dream of being Frankie Valli’s girlfriend. But not 80-year old Frankie Valli. Just the actor who plays and sings like him.

Seriously. Worst. Post. Ever. Alcohol + laptops are not a good idea.

Category: A Dash of the Crazy, All Things Blogging, Hooch Hilarity | 28 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 20, 2008

I didn’t post last night because I am coming down with a cold and I just didn’t feel like it. And what that means is that Flavor Flav was picking his “lady” last night on the season finale of Flavor of Love 3. And I had to know who he picked because I knew someone at work was going to RUIN it for me otherwise. And then I remembered that I’m the only person still watching that show. Well, the only white person at least.

Anyway, but I do need to tell you about my interesting Saturday afternoon with my family. My brother and his family were going over to my mom’s for a belated Mother’s Day celebration. And since my mom lives closer than they do, since they are in a land that is Almost-Wisconsin, I saved some gas money and went over there to see my niece and nephew. And the other people too, of course. Although, really, it’s all about my favorite niece, Skyler.

So when I got there, my brother and sister-in-law were busy doing some chores around the house and the kids were antsy. So Auntie was volunteered to take them for a walk around the block. It was all fine and dandy. They ran, giggled and had a grand old time. That is, until my nephew Noah decided that he was going to try and catch a moth (someone needs to tell this boy that chasing a moth is no way to catch a moth. Flames, son. FLAMES!) (Also, why would anyone want to catch a moth? Ah, to be six years old.)

Noah goes running after said moth and all of a sudden I hear a loud THWHACK! and I see Noah on the ground, crying, because in all that moth chasing, he didn’t see the bump in the sidewalk and fell right over it.

I stifle a laugh and take him back to the house and he gets his tears wiped and his scrapes cleaned. So far, it’s Sidewalks 1, Aunties 0.

After he calms down and mans up, it is decided that the PARK! Let us go to it! Let Auntie take you! Yes! Fun and smiles guaranteed!

So Auntie sucks it up and takes them to the park. It is a bit of a walk, but we finally get there after about 10 minutes or so. The PARK! SWINGS! SLIDES! WOOD CHIPS!

The two yahoos begin climbing and running and sliding and laughing and managing to teach small children all the things you SHOULDN’T do at the park, like climbing up the slide and standing on the rails. (Normally I wouldn’t care, but this one year old was imitating everything Noah did and the mom was MAD. But maybe she needs to have a bit more control over her kid who is so easily influenced. The teenage years are going to suck lady, if you don’t do something about it now. I’m just saying. Peer pressure is a nasty thing.)

After about five seconds of watching, Auntie is REQUIRED to partake in the fun. Which, let me tell you, I’m too big for that tunnel thing, seeing as I almost got my fat ass stuck in it. But we climbed and we went down the slides. Wheeeeee!

After the slides, Skyler noticed a cool jungle gym in the shape of a fire truck. She went over and started jungle-gyming. And then time stopped. She did a simple move to get over a pole and all of a sudden she fell ass over teakettle and BASHED her head on the step on the ground leading up to the fire truck jungle gym thing.

My heart stopped. I FREAKED! I picked her up and panicked. I made sure she wasn’t bleeding, but there was a goose egg on her forehead almost immediately. I grabbed Noah and started walking reallyfast back home.

I didn’t even realize how fast I was walking until I heard Noah yell “Auntie, I need a break.” Poor little guy had to jog to keep up with my pace.

Sidewalks & Jungle Gyms 2, Aunties 0.

In the meantime, I asked Skyler (who is two and a half) questions to make sure she didn’t have a concussion. (I’ll let you re-read that sentence to take in all the hilarity it offers.)

Me: Skyler, how old are you?

Skyler: I don’t know, Auntie.

Me: Are you one?

S: Yes?

Me: Who is that? (points to Noah)

S: Duh, Auntie. That’s Noah.

(plane flies overhead)

Me: What’s that?

S: (face filled with annoyed look) A plane, Auntie. Geesh!

We finally made it back to the house and as I walked up, looking as white as a ghost, I was all “we had an accident.” To which my sister-in-law GASPED! Naturally, since her daughter’s head had a new growth on it. But it broke my heart that my little girl got hurt in my care.

Kim, my sister-in-law, is awesome and was like “do not worry. It would have happened to me just as easily.” Which comforted me, but still. That’s my little buddy!

Skyler said “I’m never ever going to the park ever again, Auntie.” Which I’m sure meant only the rest of the day while we were at grandma’s house. Because she was back to normal minutes later, running around the basement.

But she did have a nice park injury to show all her homies back in the suburbs.

“Those city park are rough, let me tell you,” Skyler tells her neighborhood pre-K friends.

Back to Great-Grandma’s house we played bartender at the bar in the basement. Yes, these two are definitely related to me.

I will have a dirty martini, Auntie.

I shall use this to kick that park’s ass!

Meanwhile Noah entertained himself. A chair with wheels + cement floors = hours of fun. Ah, to be six years old.

Minus a few bumps, bruises and scrapes, it was a great weekend with one of my most favorite people in the whole wide world.

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All in the Family | 24 Comments »
Tags:

Posted By Kristabella on May 18, 2008

Today was my American Cancer Society Walk & Roll. I am happy to say that I walked all five miles and I only complained for less than half of it. But that was mostly because I was winded from walking (activity really pisses The Lazies off) and also because I was prepared, clothes-wise, for the weather along Chicago’s lakefront.

First off, I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who donated! I reached my goal and raised over $1,000! And in the coming weeks, one of you lucky donaters will win a cooler that I should be receiving for my fine solicitation skills. In addition, our six-person team raised almost $6,000 for the American Cancer Society. Yay team!

Today was actually a pretty nice day. The rain held off and the sun was out most of the day. It was a bit chilly, especially when we were walking right next to the lake, but nothing like a bit of cold air and the threat of losing your ear lobes to frostbite to push you that extra step to get your fat, lazy across the finish line.

As promised, here is a photo tour of Kristabella and her fat ass, dressed in black, mourning the death of her streak of inactivity, along the five-mile course.

At the beginning, our young heroine was all happy and sunshine and puppies and rainbows. At this point, she had regained the air back into her lungs after running 1/2 a block to the train and up two flights of stairs in what seemed like 10 seconds. She did this AND swiped her CTA card and didn’t even have to jump the turnstile. It took about 8 stops along the way for the wheezing to stop.

It was all smiles and thumbs up until we actually had to WALK.

The one bad thing about this event is that you are cramming like thousands of walkers on one small sidewalk along the route. And let me tell you (I’m talking to you, kids), walking means actually moving your feet and legs to propel yourself forward, NOT stand in one place. I have nice long legs. It actually hurts me deep in my soul when I have to take teensy small baby steps.

The great thing about the walk is the views along the way. Chicago is such a great city. Here I am about two miles in, resting my wheezing body, while taking in a great view. Oooh! Pretty water! And boats!

Or maybe I’m wistfully thinking about the lunch and beer I will be consuming once I finish this walk.

As the walk went on, the idiot slow walkers fell far behind and we moved to the middle of the pack to the people who take normal sized steps. We were nearing the turnaround point, heading into the home stretch and I could feel my muscles rebelling. I told them to “REJOICE! The end is near! Soon we shall sit down and drink barley and hops!”

That was not comforting to them. So we had to stop for water breaks to rest and fight the muscle rebellion going on between the quadriceps and hamstrings. And other muscley names of things in my body.

Whew! All this walking and breathing sure makes a girl thirsty. And over-dramatic.

Finally, after what seemed like 10 more miles, we made it to the end. And I finished! Look! I even smiled!

And then I died.

The end.

Thanks again to everyone who donated! It means a lot to me that you all were so generous! And if you still want to donate, like you forgot or you feel sorry for me and all that walking I did, oh how EXAUSTING, then you can still click here or on the badge to the right to contribute.

:::::

In other news, I bought this purse at Target this weekend, and I’m not sure if I like it. I can’t decide if it is cute or if I’ve turned into an old lady and next I’m going to wear orthopedic shoes and smell like moth balls and complain about those damn kids and their loud rock and roll.

What do you think?

Category: A Day in the Life of Me, All Things Blogging, Charity | 34 Comments »
Tags: