The Spinster Cold

Posted By on November 2, 2009

I’m sick. I have a cold. No, I’m not copying Heather B. But yes, I want to be exactly like her! Because she knows Denene, who KNOWS NENE!

Anyway, it’s nothing serious (NO, NOT H1N1, but a big thank you to my brother for asking and assuming, even though he doesn’t know my symptoms! You can just have a cold without it being H1N1, asshat!), just a little bit of a sore throat and a stuffy head. But it is just enough to be annoying and make me whiney and complaining. Or should I say more whiney and complainy.

You’ve all heard the term man cold, yes? Because men don’t know how to be sick and there is no worse sickness than whatever a man has. Just like when a man gets a cut on his leg, it is way worse than the time you cut your leg so deep you could see the bone and his is just SUPERFICIAL. (My brother once had a tiny cut on his leg when he was like 16 and then he cried “NO STITCHES, NO STITCHES!” We still make fun of him to this day.)

I have something I’ve determined to be the Spinster Cold. Or Singleton Cold. Or Crazy Cat Lady Cold. See, because I live alone and have no one to take care of me when I’m sick, I find it perfectly reasonable to whine and complain and play tiny violins. Because I’m SICK! SIIIICCCCKKKK! WHERE IS MY MOMMY? HOW WILL I STAY HYDRATED? THE WATER FAUCET IS OH SO FAR AWAY FROM THE COUCH! WHAT IF I FAINT ON THE WAY? WHO WILL FIND ME? I AM HUNGRY AND HAVE NO FOOD IN MY HOUSE! ALSO, I WANT POPSICLES! THAT I DON’T HAVE! WHY AM I SHOUTING? WAH!

I usually manage just fine. I mean, minus the “I’m sick!” texts I send to my mom as a reminder. Because the cats really get tired of the whining and then they hide under the bed so they can’t hear me. Until it is time to get them out so they can lick my forehead and tell me if I’ve got a fever since I don’t own a thermometer and there is no app for that. I’ve been taking care of myself since I left for college, which was like almost 15 years ago. So it’s not that I can’t manage. I just like to whine about it. HOW DO YOU MOMS DO IT?

This cold isn’t even that bad. Apart from the sometimes runny nose and the dry, sore throat, it’s more just being really tired. Like anything more than hitting fast forward on the DVR remote gets me winded. It’s a good thing I sit at a desk, staring at a computer all day, instead of operating large machinery or lifting heavy boxes. The worst part of it is being in that sickness fog. Where your attention span reverts to that of a kitten and you get distracted by shadows and noises and what was that shiny thing over there in the corner, IS THAT A LADY BUG? I LOVE LADY BUGS! YAY! STRING!

For instance, today at work I had an email conversation with a co-worker, like a series of 3 or 4 emails, the whole time thinking she was someone completely different. I was so confused. I couldn’t figure out why this person was asking for what they were asking for. Well, turns out because it was a totally different person making the request. And the only similarity? Their first names both begin with the same letter.

I should go to bed now. Because I don’t even think this was the post I had in mind to write. And before someone tells me to get a damn Neti Pot. Because you know what people? I WOULD DROWN.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


20 Responses to “The Spinster Cold”

  1. Ree says:

    Nyquil and a shot of Jack Daniels. Seriously. BETTER than drowning yourself with a fuckin’ neti pot.

  2. Mahnee says:

    So how come you can preach to me about Neti pots but you don’t even have one????

    “NO STITCHES!!” HA! I can still picture that and see it in my head. LMAO

    On a more serious note, feel better fast….your mommy loves you and worries about you!!

  3. Libby says:

    Pretty sure the Neti Pot was an Egyptian practical joke that went too far.

    Feel better.

  4. Darcey says:

    Yeah, fighting off the Yuck here, too. I don’t have it full-blown, bf-style yet, but I can tell it’s waiting for that one chink in the armor to come flooding into my nose/throat/chest. And then he has to take care of me. Which, sadly, won’t include him making me a full pot of homemade French onion soup, like I did for him.
    .-= Darcey´s last blog ..Party Like It’s 1999! =-.

  5. Jen says:

    I am so sorry that you’re feeling sick. I still want my mommy to take care of me when I’m sick too – my husband not an expert in that category. Lots of soup and OJ!

  6. Metalia says:

    Libby’s comment is one of favorites ever in the history of blogs.

    (So sorry you’re sick! If you lived closer, I’d bring you both popsicles and homemade soup!) xoxo
    .-= Metalia´s last blog ..Aw, Sheet. =-.

  7. TUWABVB says:

    I hate to break it to you, but being married and sick? Not that much better since the same people who can’t survive a “mancold” think that you should be able to survive the flu and do everything you normally do. They are useless on both accounts.
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..Never Attempt Conversation Before Four Cups of Coffee =-.

  8. Angella says:

    Sorry you’re sick, babe! I’d do the same as Metalia. Feel better! xoxo
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..What’s In A Number? =-.

  9. Rhi says:

    You HAVE to get better! I’ll be there in FOUR DAYS!

  10. Erin says:

    If I were there I’d totally bring you popsicles and make comfort food for you and call in sick for you… trust me, you don’t want a boy there, he’d just be all “what you have is nothing! I’ve been way sicker than you and I still functioned! What’s for dinner?”

    Unless of course you find that mythical man who is sympathetic AND straight! 🙂
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Kicking Monday’s Ass =-.

  11. Snarky Mommy says:

    You should totally get a Neti pot.

    I whine to my husband that I am sick and he just says “sorry” and goes back to his Internet, so it’s not like having someone around makes it any better being sick. Now my Mommy, she would make it better.
    .-= Snarky Mommy´s last blog ..On second thought… =-.

  12. Chibi Jeebs says:

    Oh man, I’m the asshole who got WORSE once she had a victim living with her! I wasn’t anywhere near as pathetic and whiny when I lived by myself because there was no one there to hear me (not even a cat *wink*). Once The Man-Thing moved in, there was this instantaneous role reversal in which he suffers silently and stoically while I moan and groan and bitch and whine all over myself. *I’M* the man-cold asshole! D:
    .-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Of ghosts and goblins and things that go bump in the night =-.

  13. paperdiva says:

    Whining is perfectly acceptable when you are sick, even just a little sick.
    Feel better soon!
    .-= paperdiva´s last blog ..end game =-.

  14. Andrea says:

    Feel better soon! I’ve been in your archives for days now, laughing my head off. Ask the cats to knead your sinuses, it might loosen them up.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..School, Dreams, and Hedgehog Poop =-.

  15. I read, “What if I faint on the wall?” instead of “What if I faint on the way?” I was trying to imagine a scenario where you’d faint on the wall instead of the floor. I was mightily perplexed for a good 15 seconds before I re-read it.

    Feel better!

    Kyle has been sick for what feels like forever (with a really awful stomach virus) but EVERYONE has asked, “Is it swine flu? It’s swine flu, isn’t it? You should make sure it’s not swine flu.” As if his pediatrician would need us to SUGGEST testing for swine flu before she comes up with the idea herself.
    .-= She Likes Purple´s last blog ..Short hiatus =-.

  16. Noelle says:

    I’m not going to read this post in case your cold is contagious via blogs.
    .-= Noelle´s last blog ..I like to call it “the ‘ands.” =-.

  17. tracey says:

    I’m sorry you’re SIIIIICCCCKKK!!!! It’s not fair to be sick and have no one to take care of you. 🙁 Stupid cats. Get them to earn their freakin keep and get you some soup for crisssakes.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..My apologies =-.

  18. Nina says:

    Laughed so hard at this 🙂 Sorry you’re sick though. Love the “no thermometer and there’s no app for that”-part ^^ Wishing you a quick recovery!
    .-= Nina´s last blog ..Why can’t we always meet under a cloud of mystery =-.

  19. I was trying to work from home on Monday to catch up on all the work I’ve missed being out for knee surgery. I was making so many stupid mistakes (calling people by the wrong name, asking about the status of things that were already completed — and I’d already sent a thank you to them for sending it!) that someone joked I should stop working while on painkillers. Uh, I wasn’t on painkillers. Just in a sick fog.
    .-= Operation Pink Herring´s last blog ..Sea lions, surgery =-.

  20. slynnro says:

    Eh, husbands can often be overrated in this regard. Mr. A is pretty decent until you ask for something unreasonable, like buying you tampons while you have a cold. THEN IT IS JUST TOO MUCH. He will, however, buy tampons when you are healthy. Go figure.
    .-= slynnro´s last blog ..NoImYoSeMo: The List. =-.