BlogHer 2009 – Through Bacon’s Eyes

Posted By on August 3, 2009

Last year at BlogHer in San Francisco, Bacon did not make an appearance. I think he came out of the bag once and even took a photo with someone (anyone? Did you take a photo with Bacon last year?). But he spent the majority of the time in my laptop bag, only experiencing BlogHer through the stories he heard when we were in the room.

This year Bacon threatened me to not let that happen again this year. That I HAD to take him along and actually take him out of the bag and introduce him to his loyal fans. He basically told me if I didn’t, he wouldn’t be part of this blog anymore. And I told him “I do not take idle threats from a MEAT FOLDER. So shut your fucking meat face, sir.”

The following is his account of the BlogHer weekend. That he again spent inside my laptop bag the entire weekend. I’m letting him share his story so that he stops telling me to “Sizzle” and “Put the B in BLT”.


Hi-dee-ho, Kristabella readers, it’s Bacon here. And Bacon is about to tell you the sob stories of all sob stories. About how Bacon could have been fawned over and regaled by over 1,000 people and yet, Bacon wasn’t even allowed out of the computer bag. FOR SHAME, KRISTABELLA! FOR SHAME.

So in case you were wondering, this is where Bacon spent the whole weekend of BlogHer 2009:


It was CRAMPED! And hot! And Bacon was thirsty (he is a salty, cured meat you know) and hungry and all Bacon wanted was some attention! CUE THE WAH-MBULANCE!

Bacon was so excited to make an appearance this year. This was like Bacon’s cotillion! Bacon was going to be presented to society! Of blogging-type people!

But noooooo. Bacon missed out on it all. Bacon missed out on hanging with all the fabulous ladies that shared a room with Bacon and Kristabella. Bacon even heard that two of them didn’t really eat Bacon, which automatically made them BACON’S FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET! Bacon representing for Kosher Jews everywhere! Holla!

Bacon would hear them laughing and telling stories and having a grand old time, just PRAYING that Bacon would get to come out and join the party. But did Bacon get to come out? NO. Bacon was STUCK! And then they would leave and it would get really quiet and sometimes that cleaning lady would get a little fresh with Bacon. BACON IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF MEAT, LADIES! Um, well, yeah.

After getting fondled by Luisa the cleaning woman (hola, mi amor), the ladies would come back and laugh some more and eat chocolate Chex and talk about clothes. And then they’d change and be off again. Probably to eat because one of them is gluten-free, whatever that means. In a quick Google search, Bacon discovered that a certain salty, cured meat is gluten-free. BACON, FTW!

(Bacon didn’t actually know what FTW meant. He saw Kristabella type it once into Google, because she’s lame and didn’t know what it meant either, but she wouldn’t let him look. Bacon says “FML”.)

Bacon didn’t get to go to the Expo. Or get lots of free stuff, like 17 flash drives or free socks or free laundry detergent. Bacon also didn’t get to meet life-sized dogs, either. And Bacon loves dogs. Because dogs? ARE NOT CATS!


(Photo courtesy of Ali)

And then the parties! Lo, the parties they all talked about. Bacon didn’t get to go to any of those. And did you know there was a UNICORN THERE? Bacon thought unicorns were fake, just like people probably think Bacon is fake because HE NEVER COMES OUT! Or maybe people think Bacon is a vampire. He heard there was one of those at the party too.


(Photo courtesy of Angella)

And then there was some sort of CheeseburgHer party? Which, hello! BACON AND CHEESEBURGERS GO TOGETHER LIKE FAT KIDS AND CAKE! Or wine and more wine! Which is to say, A PERFECT MATCH!

When Kristabella got home, she went through her swag. And she was all “hey Bacon! Check out my swag! It’s a Potato Head!”

And Bacon is all “FUCK YOU WOMAN! I don’t want your swag and go tell that fucking potato head to Hang Out With Hashbrowns!” And that sent Bacon into a fit of giggles, laughing at his own hilariousness.

But Kristabella was persistent, she was all “NO, for reals Bacon, come check it out!”

So Bacon did. And Bacon fell in love. Look at those arms, aren’t they just made for hugging?


So Bacon forgives Kristabella this year. But next year he’s going to glue himself to her ass at BlogHer in New York City to see how she likes it! Because Bacon knows that’s where all the bacon she eats ends up anyway.


Bacon, out.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


18 Responses to “BlogHer 2009 – Through Bacon’s Eyes”

  1. “Bacon representing for Kosher Jews everywhere! Holla!”

    *much guffawing”

    I love it when Bacon blogs.
    .-= Jen on the Edge´s last blog ..Bridges, puddles, and more =-.

  2. paperdiva says:

    Bacon out.
    That pretty much says it all!

  3. Mahnee says:

    OK…Bacon & Mr. Potato Head??? Coffee painfully coming out my nose! All good!

    One of my new favorite posts ever!!!!!!

  4. Melissa says:

    Bacon with a side of potato head…nice, Bacon…ya done good!!
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..What Would You Do? =-.

  5. Darcey says:

    Bacon and Mrs. Potato Head, cooking for me,
    First comes eggs, then comes cheese,
    Here comes my Waffle House breakfast, please!

    (Yes, I am on crack, and there are two “ys” in fryying… for these purposes.)
    .-= Darcey´s last blog ..Moving killed me dead =-.

  6. -R- says:

    Am I supposed to recognize that dog? Because I do not.

    I think “Like wine and more wine” is my favorite line of this post.
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Things I Don’t Understand =-.

  7. Angella says:

    The three Potato Heads I brought home made the kids forgive me for leaving them, too.

    That last photo made me laugh.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..An Interview With Danny Evans =-.

  8. ali says:

    I didn’t bring my mr. potato heads home. SIGH. I didn’t have any room. my kids will be totally jealous of Bacon. also, because they don’t eat bacon. heh.
    .-= ali´s last blog ..A Portrait of Life as I Know It** alternate title: How I learned what the Secret actually is. =-.

  9. Lori says:

    i love bacon!

  10. tracey says:

    Oh Lordy. “WWBD” cracked me up… So you BROUGHT bacon in a bag, but never took it out??
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Tuesday Sunrise * =-.

  11. Oh, Bacon, I hear BlogHer is in NYC next year so you can feel free to hook it up in my room. I have some bacon-flavored gum with your name all over it!
    .-= thecoconutdiaries´s last blog ..These Are My Confessions =-.

  12. Ironically I have bacon plastered to my butt but it’s not really recognizable anymore.

    However to know that you withheld bacon from me?

    I’M JUDGING WITH MY ANGRY EYES. (Get it, Mr. Potato Head joke? You get it right? RIGHT?)
    .-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..crash test lupron red. =-.

  13. metalia says:

    “Bacon representing for Kosher Jews everywhere! Holla!”

    I need that on a shirt or something.
    .-= metalia´s last blog ..My Fake Wig, AKA, OF COURSE You Want To See Seven Odd Pictures of Me! =-.

  14. TUWABVB says:

    Bacon can room with me next year. I’ll be bringing his close friends Lettuce and Tomato (seriously, this post made me laugh, but also made me very hungry).
    .-= TUWABVB´s last blog ..Conversations with Manbug a/k/a Signs That I’m Getting More Dumber =-.

  15. regan says:

    Bacon, I told everyone I skipped BlogHer this year because I was too knocked up to fly, but the truth is that I knew Kristin wouldn’t take you out of her bag and therefore the trip wasn’t worth it.
    .-= regan´s last blog ..this post might use up my monthly ration of exclamation points and caps lock =-.

  16. lceel says:

    I was gonna comment here but I got distracted.
    .-= lceel´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – No Place On Earth =-.

  17. Kelly says:

    Hi – Just wanted to drop a quick line to say discovered your site via NothingButBonfires and I love it! It’s totally cute and hilarious and I love great writing so I’m sure I’ll be hooked now. 🙂
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Vampy Varnish Name Change =-.

  18. Sarah says:

    I love it when Bacon posts!
    I’m thinking about Blogher next year…if I can justify the $$. I’ve always wanted to go to New York City!
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..I See Dead People =-.