What I Did This Weekend

Posted By on April 5, 2009

So what did you all do this weekend? I’m hoping that those of you who don’t live in Chicago had a nice Sunday. We did not. As it is currently snowing and we are actually expecting a measurable snowfall tonight and tomorrow. And then it will be over 50 degrees in a few days, which means it will all melt. This will teach me to call Spring a pussy. I think I crossed the line, huh Winter?

My weekend was busy, had me making an ass out of myself and was filled with plenty of drinking. And further evidence that I am indeed in my 30s and that I cannot drink heavily one night and plan to get back to the drinking the next night. My liver and stomach revolt and then I get sleepy.

On Friday night, a friend of mine was guest bartending at a bar in my neighborhood. It was actually the same bar that we went to every Monday for the trivia tournament. Which we won, by the way. My friend was giving half of his tips from the night to charity, so it was drinking for a good cause. Although I don’t ever actually need a reason to drink.

They had a wristband deal, where for $30 you could drink all the beer and well drinks you could down in three hours. But knowing myself and knowing I had another party to go to on Saturday night, I opted against the wristband. Which was just really stupid because I drank way more than $30 worth. Chalk one up to stupidity. I know myself better than that. That many hours in a bar will usually equal a drunk Kristin.

So because I’m familiar with this bar from weeks of trivia, I’m also familiar with the people who work there. The guy who buses tables knows me, as does the bar manager guy. We’ll call him Sven. We had a running joke where every week when I came in to grab a table for my team was going to be the week he remembered my team name. I would always quiz him and he’d never remember it. So I would give him shit every week for not remembering (we sat at nearly the same table every week and HELLO, I’m also cute and tall!). He did finally remember on the last week, which was good since he handed us over our cash winnings.

Anyway, I have a wee little crush on Sven. I mentioned it to a few people, noting that I had never seen him without a hat on. And since he has a beard, I had these visions of him being totally bald with a beard, like a charachter on a Guess Who? tile. And well, as my mom says “I can find very Seinfeldian reasons to not be attracted to someone.”

Since I knew I would see him on Friday night, I made sure I put on deodorant and may have even brushed my teeth. I tried to wear flattering clothes, but then I remembered I am fat and my face looks like it was inflated with air like a hot air balloon. So I did the best I could do. Remembering that it is really dark in that bar.

As I was walking up to the bar, I saw him through the window and I may have squeed on the inside because NO HAT! AND he has hair! BONUS! And then I played it cool. Mostly because I was catching up with my friend Jess and also because I wasn’t sure he’d recognize me outside of trivia. Even though we were always pretty flirty with each other. Also, I’m a chicken. But I figured I would just do my patented “tell everyone around me that I think aguy is cute, stare at him across the dark bar and hope he comes to talk to me” move since that is clearly a strategy that works for me.

We had a fun night. I drank a lot of beer. The liquid courage was flowing. My friend Lara was enlisted on the cause. She was on my trivia team and we were both kind of mesmerized at the hotness of Sven without a hat on. Which made me feel better and that I’m not just so desperate that a man with hair gets my motor running. Also, I can’t believe I just typed that.

After the guest bartending ended, we made plans to go to another bar. As Jess and I were leaving, it was decided (by Jess) that I was going to go back in and give him my phone number. (We left the bar, stood outside in front of the windows for all to see, and then went back inside. Which I’m sure everyone witnessed.) I think I’ve given out my number a total of 3 times in my whole life. All while drunk. All in bars. And all ending with no one ever calling me. So I gave Jess a pen and she wrote my number on a napkin and then I had to figure out something sexy and flirty to say to him when I gave it to him. Because after 10 beers, sexy and flirty are so the things that describe me. Hell, that doesn’t even describe me sober.

Earlier in the night we talked to Sven about trivia and it took everything in my power not to run my fingers through his hair. (Seriously, I was so EXCITED he had hair! And was so damn adorable!) I went in to lick his face mid-conversation, but thankfully Jess stopped me and he was none the wiser.

So we figured when I handed him my number, I should say something about trivia, since it was something we had in common and had talked about it. Before I did it, I asked my guy friend if that would be a good in, or a stupid line. He seemed to think it would be good, something we have in common, but also with a PHONE NUMBER so hopefully it would be implied that I wasn’t talking about TRIVIA at all.

After Jess wrote out a second napkin because she spelled my name wrong the first time, I marched my nervous, drunk ass up to him and slurred “When you know something about the trivia dates, give me a call.” And then I probably winked or tried to do something “sexy” with my eyes, which again, 10 beers in, isn’t going to be hot at all. (It all makes me cringe days later.)

And then I think I ran out squealing like a school girl because I’m just an asshole. And this is why I don’t ever give my phone number to people in bars. (And also why no one ever calls back.) Especially people who work at the bar. At bars I would like to go back to. And bars that I will be going back to when trivia stars up again.

My eyebrow wax lady says I should be all about The Secret and the positive energy and thinking it will happen and all that crap. I’m trying. But I’m Full of Snark, not Full of Sunshine and Puppies and Rainbows.

And as I sat on my couch all day today in my pajamas, still wearing last night’s make-up, drinking sugar-free Kool-Aid, eating cheese out of a can and watching endless reality television, including Real Housewives, I Love Money and Rock of Love WhoreBus, I realized maybe there’s a reason why I’m still single. Maybe I smell of Spinster.

So how was your weekend?

:::

Finally, do any of you know someone who needs a roommate for BlogHer? My internet buddy Darceyis looking for a roommate and I told her I would spread the word for her. I’ve never met her in person, but I can vouch that through many emails and IMs, she is not crazy. Let me know in the comments if you know of anyone!

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.

Comments

24 Responses to “What I Did This Weekend”

  1. My weekend was busy and then I ended it by losing my temper with two of the he-brats who live behind me. The same two who wrote on my brand effing new house with chalk. The same two whose parents got to meet Pete and me for the first time. And we were very angry. It was not a great moment in neighborhood relations.

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..Look for #3

  2. HouseofJules says:

    OMG, girl, you crack me up. I was hoping you’d blog about the trivia guy after your tweets! Licking a guy’s face is totally my move, and you can see where *THAT* has gotten me! 😉 Love it.

    HouseofJuless last blog post..Maybe he dropped the phone when he saw her number written on the wall

  3. Julienne says:

    Work is going to be insane today and we’re getting an assload of snow, but this?

    This post just made it all worth it!

    I’ve only given my number to one guy, so you’re totally winning!

    Juliennes last blog post..Holding hands.

  4. Dude, I’m impressed you managed to give him your number at all! I would have made my drunk friends do it for me, which is WAY lamer.

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  5. Jennifer R says:

    Hmmmm… What did I do this weekend?
    NOTHING. Seriously, this was my first Saturday off in a year that I didn’t request off because I was going out of town. (I will be getting more Saturdays off) I did not a damn thing. I slept in a little, although now being 6 months pregnant it is not so easy to sleep all that much, too many parts start to hurt. I got up, and I sat on the couch all damn day. I did take a shower and all that jazz. But I never even went outside. Not even to take the dog out, my husband did that. Sunday however, I did eventually leave the house to visit the in laws and to go get groceries. I swear I sound like I am 50, but I promise I am only 29. Your weekend sounds much more productive than mine. I hope that Sven calls you. I am SURE that your sexy eyes worked and he was mesmerized and will call you.

    Also, I am ready for spring. It freakin snowed here on Sat. And I think it is going to again.

  6. Rhi says:

    It’s was 70 degrees here this weekend. But, we totally deserve this weather. Also, the rain is back on Wednesday.

    Rhis last blog post..I’ll hit you with my umbrella

  7. Angella says:

    You never fail to crack me up.

    It was so warm here that I was wearing a sleeveless shirt, lying on the grass and soaking up the sunshine.

    Please don’t hate me. I’m sure it will snow next week 😉

    Angellas last blog post..Easter Traditions

  8. Jen says:

    I am so impressed that you handed out the digits – you never know unless you try, right? And you get 1000 points anyway for noticing your friend spelled your name wrong before you actually did hand the # over.

    It is snowing here too – booo! April is a biznatch.

  9. Haha, gets your “motor running.” But with a name like Sven, how can one’s motor not get revved?

    Amanda Nicoles last blog post..small graces: part 33

  10. ali says:

    maybe you should have licked his face…

    heh.

    also. i am lucky that i got married when i was an infant because there’s likely not enough alcohol on this planet to get me to give a person my phone number. you are awesome.

    alis last blog post..it will be a white passover after all

  11. Darcey says:

    Dude, I am so proud of you for giving him your number. I remember the time my friends dared me to ask a guy on a date – I was sure I was going to pass out from all the blood rushing to my head.

    And for anyone out there… I promise I’m not crazy! And I come with baked goods!

  12. I’d send you some Secret-ey positive energy, if I didn’t believe that all was crap. Hell, I’ll send you some anyway.

    My advice? If he doesn’t call in a week or two I’d go back to the bar and apologize, tell him you were totally drunk but vaguely remember acting like an ass and giving him your number. That way you’ll save face (and give him a chance to show whether he’s interested.) Just wait until I’ve had a chance to send you my Secret-ey energy, ‘kay? And then if he asks you out, you owe me a drink.

    (On a separate note, I just sent this link to a friend who I think needs a roomie–She’ll be in touch if she’s still interested.)

  13. Jacki says:

    You crack me up and you make me wish that I lived close enough to drink in a bar with you!

  14. Ree says:

    Sven, huh? I’m sitting here sending “Call Kristabella” vibes to him.

    Rees last blog post..Mute Monday – Myth

  15. regan says:

    Your weekend made me tired. And go you for giving him your phone number! I always sucked at that sort of thing.

  16. bikerchick says:

    YOU are a riot! Reading this post was entertainment quotient enough for my weekend. Hey I can just apply it in hindsight, sort of like time travel, right? Cause I didn’t do anything in the craptastic weather on Sunday either, except watch the same warped reality trainwreck you did on Bravo TV, all day long. My only high horse moment is that I turned it off when Patti Strangler Millionaire Beyotch came on. Hey! I have my limits! (But there was no string cheese, so neener neener.) I think your move on Sven rocked. Good for you!

  17. slynnro says:

    Another post BEGGING for Larry Lilly’s input.

    And I have NEVER given someone my phone number. Because I am a pussy. Thank god someone married me.

    slynnros last blog post..Merci!

  18. marco says:

    good article , thanks

  19. mouncie123 says:

    Gets your motor running!?! Really!!! LOL!!! Way tooo funnnny.

  20. I don’t know what to say except you are hysterical. Character on Guess Who? A man with hair gets your motor running? It sounds like you had a good time.

    Thankfully you didn’t leave with any physical reminders of your drunkenness, which is more than I can say for my last debacle. Which was 2 weeks ago. The grapefruit sized bruise on my thigh? Still not gone. And I may or may not have given out business cards to every person in the bar with drunken “I love you, mans.”

    This weekend I went to a preseason game at Citi Field, watched a lot of movies and got locked out of my apartment with my husband and my dog while my fire alarm was going off. Good times.

    Anonymous New Yorks last blog post..Funny Girl Grows Up and She’s Not So Funny Any More… but SHOES

  21. Julie C says:

    I’m ashamed to admit that I’m watching the new NYC housewives season, too. Can’t seem to look away from all the drama between Bethenny and Kelly, and Simon and Ramona, etc. I’m glad you gave him your number. Liquid courage or not.

    Julie Cs last blog post..Alas, D-A-D Homecoming

  22. auntie says:

    “But I figured I would just do my patented “tell everyone around me that I think aguy is cute, stare at him across the dark bar and hope he comes to talk to me” move since that is clearly a strategy that works for me.”

    ha! i’ve always used that as my “move”, too. glad to know i’m not the only one it doesn’t work for! i hate to say this, but thank god for the internet, otherwise i’d never have given my number to anyone, ever. you are a brave woman!! and i’m sure sven totally wants you.

    aunties last blog post..How long can one person have PMS before it actually kills her? The answer to this and other vexing questions when we return.

  23. Thinks Too Much says:

    If you ever need a partner in crime I’m so your woman as it sounds to me like our man hunting styles are completely compatible. You know what that means: we could scare TWICE as many men away in HALF the time! Because let’s be serious here – what fun is actually getting the guy? BOR-ING! 😛

    Thinks Too Muchs last blog post..War Done Been Declared

  24. i’m feenin’ for one of your stories where the cab driver hits on you!! work on that for me. thanks. see you in may!