Spring Awakening

Posted By on April 2, 2009

Ahhh, Spring. Everyone loves Spring, right? I mean, I know people who live in places with brutal winters love Spring. Because the worst is behind us! It will be warm again! I’ll need to shave my legs soon!

I decided I kind of hate Spring. I mean, Spring is kind of a moody bitch. She’s got some severe mood swings that are hard to take. Only in Spring in Chicago can you have a day that is in the 70s followed by fucking six inches of snow. Oh yeah, you heard me. We had snow in Chicago this past weekend. I got to miss it because oddly enough, I think this was the only instance in the history of weather that it snowed in Chicago and yet it was sunny and mild in Minneapolis.

When Spring first peeks her head around the corner, you love her. You want to marry her and tongue-kiss her in front of a Priest! Because you love her that much and you WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW, no matter if they are grossed out by your displays of affection!

But then Spring gets scared. Because all of a sudden, overnight, Spring is an instant celebrity. And people are chasing her and the paparazzi are trying to snap photos of her drunk in the club, so then Spring goes away. She freaks the fuck out, loses her shit everywhere and forces Winter back on us. And Winter is a protective asshole. And he doesn’t like people who upset Spring, so he reminds you that YOU MUST BE NICE TO SPRING, OR I WILL MAKE IT SNOW IN JULY.

And we listen. Oh boy do we listen. But then we forget. Because a few days/weeks/months later, Spring comes back. And we start pulling out the short-sleeved tops and the lighter jackets. We pack away the wool coats and the scarves and the mittens. We lock our fake Uggs away, hoping to never wear them again. We are happy! We are sunny! We are optimistic! The world is our oyster! And we have Spring to thank! Yay Spring!

But then shy little Spring acts like a bitch again and runs and hides and whines about how we all love her. Oh, poor you, Spring. It must be so hard to be loved by millions. Cry me a fucking river. And play me a tune on this tiny violin here.

So Winter comes back. But not as bad. He just cools it down a bit. Even Winter has a heart and knows extended periods of bitter cold and snow will make people stabby. And Winter doesn’t like to be responsible for people turning into cold-blooded killers. Winter is still upset that they pinned that Seasonal Affective Disorder on him. Like it’s his fault people are SAD. “Eat some vegetables, people!” Winter says. But he comes back to protect Spring the pussy and reminds us that we are not out of the woods yet and if we do not change our ways, Spring will never be sprung again. We’re so on notice, Winter tells us.

And then we’re all like “fuck this rollercoaster!” Because we know eventually Summer will be here. And Summer is one confident bitch and she loves the attention. She can also be mean and horrible with her heat and humidity when she’s PMSing, but she knows that we will always love her. She loves Winter more than anyone because everyone is always talking about HER in Winter! Because they can’t wait for her to arrive in style! She’s a famewhore and damn proud of it! We love you Summer! Squeee!

So finally Spring will come around again, slowly but surely, a little at a time. And she might be here to stay, she might not. It all depends on if she took her meds. But eventually we get to the point where we’re all meh about it because we’re not playing her fucking games anymore. Which is exactly what she wants because the less attention Spring gets, the more likely she is to stick around and not go cry like a whiny bitch to Winter.

Until then I’ll just fucking bitch about it because I never have the right coat for this weather. So make up your mind Spring! I’m tired of the extremes. But I mean that in a nice way! I don’t want to upset you! We don’t need snow in April, right Winter?

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


25 Responses to “Spring Awakening”

  1. Erin says:

    Layers are our friends–even though they are totally the friends that will bitch about us behind our backs if it gets them in good with the cool kids. 🙂

    Erins last blog post..Giveaway Winner!

  2. Spring is the second worst season, trumped only by winter of course. But at least Spring brings summer in with it!

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  3. Pauline says:

    Crack me up. You are so right on with the pathetic dance between spring and winter. Summer, just come now, ‘kay?

  4. Mahnee says:

    We definitely pissed off Spring this morning…the winds on the way to work were as bad as they were during the Winter…oh, wait, it IS Winter, right? My effing face is frozen.

    All this talk of Spring. Meh! Everyone knows we usually by-pass Spring altogether and go right from Winter to Summer here in Chicago.

    Atleast baseball starts Monday….with a prediction of snow. Yeah, snow and baseball go together but only in Chicago. And it’s only the Sox playing at home Monday anyhow so who cares?

  5. Christina says:

    Brava girl, no truer words have been written.

    Christinas last blog post..I’m

  6. michele says:

    now this—was a good post. hit the nail on the head.

    micheles last blog post..Great Movie!

  7. ali says:

    the schizophrenic weather is KILLING me.
    toronto spring and i are in a fight.

    alis last blog post..obviously, i had to make one too…

  8. paperdiva says:

    totally spot on! I love spring but she is being a shy bitch this year.

  9. bikerchick says:

    Shhhh, don’t you tell that temperamental beyotch, Spring, but I heard Old Man Winter is coming back to town on Monday! And he’s bringing snow to Chicago! Squeeeeeee!!! See http://tinyurl.com/dx6e6q Meantime, I’m wearing my down parka today and taking my own bad mood meds, because I refuse to ride your roller coaster, Spring! I will remain mummified, indoors, in shearling slippers and my jammies, until I am good and ready to smell your flowers– IF you are lucky. HARUMPH.

  10. Seriously. Plus, I prefer to be the only moody bitch around, so I don’t appreciate the competition.

    This is coming from someone who has only resided in warm states, however, which probably makes me a double bitch. Take that, spring!

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..Choose Your Own Adventure, Boring Adult Version

  11. We had snow in Vancouver the other day – it didn’t stick, but it was bloody cold. The sun is VERY deceptive right now.

    Amanda Nicoles last blog post..all graces big & small

  12. Sara McG says:

    Hilarious! Best blog post I have read in a long time and so perfect because with all the warm weather we have been having in Nevada, I wake up to snow this morning. Seriously hilarious.

    Sara McGs last blog post..It’s been too long

  13. gorillabuns says:

    basically, you are speaking of Oklahoma weather, right? lest we not forget to add Tornadoes to the mix of Spring’s insane folly.

    gorillabunss last blog post..a little r & r

  14. Jess says:

    Well said! I think this is my favorite post by you yet!

  15. hahahaha this blog isawesome,I feel ya.

  16. Caffeinatrix says:

    I used to like Spring until this year. She brought a buttload of oak pollen and it’s killing me. Bitch.

  17. Sara says:

    Everyplace I’ve lived people have told me that their drastic weather changes were just because of the area they live. It’s like that everywhere, just in different months of the year based on how far north you are.

    I personally think spring is a myth. Everyone talks about how wonderful spring is and we all think about it being 68-78 and beautiful. But in reality, that happens for about three days (the rest of the time it’s windy or raining) and then it’s suddenly hot and we’re all whining about summer.

    Saras last blog post..Man attacks fiance because she made a bad sandwich

  18. jen says:

    Amen sister… Spring has put her open-toed shoe out in Maryland. It’s 72 outside (I’m not trying to be mean, I promise). That said, no one told the commercial landlord. It’s currently 79 degrees in the office, the heat is hopefully off, but the cupcake lady on the first floor is still baking. To quote the Divine Secrets of the YaYa sisterhood – I’m puddlin’

  19. Angella says:

    I just love this. And you.

    Angellas last blog post..Puppy Love

  20. Sarah says:

    I got some lake effect snow myself this weekend. It sucked! It seems like the last few years we haven’t really even had a spring. It was cold and then the next day 90 degrees….sometimes I hate living in this area.

    Sarahs last blog post..We Have a Winner!

  21. Carri says:

    Spring in Cali sucks too. Windy, cold and sunny at the same time~ what the hell. I hate her and she hates me, giving me allergies~Biatch!

  22. TUWABVB says:

    I always hid the fact that I hated Spring because I thought that people would think I was stranger. Honestly, it just puts me in a bad mood because I know a Texas summer is a few weeks down the road (a/k/a the season where your face will shine no matter what you do).

    Texas also has that fun weather that includes huge pieces of hail falling from the sky and damaging your car even though it was 70 degrees that morning.

    TUWABVBs last blog post..Faith is not a thing which one loses, we merely cease to shape our lives by it.

  23. Jennie says:

    After being sunny for almost a whole week (!) we got snow in Minneapolis last night. Lame. I have very mixed feelings about spring. Everything is so moody and there are freakin mud puddles EVERYWHERE. But then again, the trees blossom and I’m a sucker for that.

    Jennies last blog post..Refraction

  24. Scarlet says:

    This blog is awesome.

    I kinda want spring to die. I like the days when it’s in the 60s. If it’s warmer than that, all I can think is, “this would be okay if I was at the beach…or on a boat.”

    And I don’t like pastels.

    Scarlets last blog post..Up All Night

  25. Okay…so I have read this post a couple times and kept it “unread” in my reader because I wanted the perfect comment for this post because oh mah gah….you hit it out of the park with this one. You had Jon and I in stitches….you are so talented lady!

    Sensibly Sassys last blog post..Sleep Tight