I Guess I Should Have Paid Attention To Those Zantac Commercials

Posted By on January 14, 2009

I apparently either can’t come up with titles, or I come up with the longest titles in the history of man. It reminds me of when I worked at an old job and my boss would send me emails asking me to do something and he would type the WHOLE THING in the subject line. So then I would respond back, writing my response in the subject line. And this would go on for days. It’s a wonder I didn’t get fired.

Remember back after Thanksgiving when I was having issues breathing? And I went and freaked the fuck out while they gave me an EKG. And I turned as red as a tomato because that was a bad day to NOT shave my legs? And then nothing was wrong?

Well since then, I’ve had the worst heartburn. And did you know that shortness of breath is a symptom of heartburn? And did you also know that I’ve turned into an 80 year old man who can eat nothing besides rice and bananas, lest the acid reflux flares up?

I’ve seen all those heartburn commercials. I never paid a lick of attention to them. I’ve eaten spicy foods, acidic foods, you name it. I’ve never had a problem. Now, WATER GIVES ME HEARTBURN.

(No, people, don’t even ask if I’m pregnant. I’ve just put on a little weight and you need to actually have sex to get preggo.)

Yesterday I was convinced that the water in my office was the culprit. Because in the last few weeks, I’ve gotten bad bursts of acid reflux from peanut butter, English muffins, string cheese, chicken noodle soup and other equally bland foods. I’m a frequent visitor to the heartburn portion of WebMD.com because every time something completely bland lights a fire in my belly, I check to see if I missed something and that bread really is an acid trigger. It’s not. Except in me.

My office doesn’t have a water cooler, which is fine. Except the tap water tastes like it ran through a cat’s asshole before it comes out the faucet. Which is odd since Chicago tap water is tasty. That’s what I drink at home. So I invested in this water bottle with a filter built into it. So it takes the kitty asshole taste away. The only problem is that it isn’t ever that cold. But I’m still not convinced that the piss-poor taste isn’t caused by some acid causing ingredient. Or maybe I should cut out the caffeine, which is a acid reflux trigger. But how would I even make it to 11 AM without a cup of coffee?

I never had any sympathy for heartburn sufferers. I could never figure out that if SPICY TACOS gave you horrible heartburn, why would you continue to eat SPICY TACOS? I mean, I love tacos, but if they made me all burny, I’d have to stop eating them. But what do you do when everything you eat and drinks give you that horrible burning feeling in your esophagus. Apparently karma showed me for making fun of those spicy taco lovers.

I have been taking medicine, Zantac or whatever. But the relief isn’t as quick as those commercials make it out to seem. For instance, I took one this morning at 10 AM and I still had a little heartburny twinge at 3 PM. That’s not normal, right? I should have some relief, no? Where are all my old folks who can answer these BURNING (ba dum dum) questions?

I guess I have to call the doctor. And see if there is something else going on here. Before I start shooting flames out of my mouth. Which won’t be good for anyone.

And now I have to bang on the floor because those young whippersnappers below me are making a hell of a racket.

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


33 Responses to “I Guess I Should Have Paid Attention To Those Zantac Commercials”

  1. bikerchick says:

    Oh dear, KJ, you do need to get that checked out. Hopefully it’s just a weensy lifestyle adjustment that has you back snarking full on. What’s really weird is that I also suffered the first ever bout of heartburn in my life that lasted about 4 days. Course I was eating fried food 2x/day (no choice; travelling in the land of the greasepit where they fry even the bananas!) I never figured out what the specific triggers were, but I stuck to the bland stuff and it seemed to resolve. Course there was no kitty butthole water or second-hand cannabis…
    Try some Tums– those work really fast. I couldn’t stomach the minty ones, but the fruity creamy crap seemed to work like a charm. Feel better soon!

  2. TUWABVB says:

    You do need to get it checked out, but I had the same issue a few years ago and I’ve been takin Prilosec evey day with no issues. But you have to take it every day and it usualy take a few days before you see results.

    TUWABVBs last blog post..On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.**

  3. tutugirl1345 says:

    I hope you feel better soon. But, man, you’re going to be an awesome old person 🙂 At least you’ll make all your ailments funny.

    tutugirl1345s last blog post..Germany! (and Prague)

  4. Sheri says:

    Tums work for me too.

    And I know this from experience, cuz I’m all about being a total fat ass (or is fatass one word), but weight gain can cause things to go awry too.

    Go and talk to your doc. And good luck.

    Sheris last blog post..Sometimes You Just Gotta Say…..

  5. L says:

    Maybe its GERD or an ulcer, get it checked out. Zantac (an H2 blocker) has never worked for me, but Prilosec (proton pump inhibitor, needs a prescription) is a miracle worker. And give up the caffeine. I know, it sucks, but it really helps. After a while you get to the point where the pick-me-up from a cup of coffee is not worth days of a fiery burning pit of hell in your stomach.

  6. L says:

    ps. um, alcohol is also a trigger :-/

  7. Nicole says:

    My dad always had bad acid/heartburn. Always. And he’d kill it with copious amounts of fat (think: raw bacon, a bottle of whipping cream (unwhipped) and a bun). And then he got high cholesterol, couldn’t eat the fat and the acid got worse. He couldn’t eat bread without getting an attack. Fruit? Ha! Right. Not if he wanted an attack that couldn’t be calmed down by Rolaids.

    So they finally sent a camera down his throat (or somewhere – we won’t go there) and apparently he is a freak of nature. Of course, I knew this already, but even moreso now. He’s got an extra gland at the end of his small intestine that does nothing. Except produce stomach acid. And now he’s on medication for it.

    So yes, people can get heartburn from bread. Particularly if they’re freaks of nature.

    Nicoles last blog post..Today

  8. OMG heart burn scares me. I’ve only had it like twice and I was pretty sure that I was dying both times.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..Delurk This

  9. Darcey says:

    I’ve had heartburn on and off the last month or so. I realized it went back to when I ran the marathon – I decided that since I had completed the damn thing (and burned around 4000 calories), then I could eat anything I wanted. And if it was covered in chocolate? “Yes, waiter, I’ll take two.”

    Now that I’m getting back to eating more responsibly, I can see that the frequency is starting to taper off. And the exercise, though was irritating at first, is starting to help, um, regulate the system… which leads to less heartburn and other stomach yuckiness.

  10. ali says:

    um. i take prevacid. it is PERFECTION.

    alis last blog post..brainfreeze

  11. gillian says:

    I agree, you should see your doc. No question.

    My husband gets good relief from Prilosec. It’s supposed to actually help heal the esophagus, not just reduce the acid. Maybe ask your doc about it?

    Whatever you end up doing, I hope you feel better. HB is miserable. 🙁 Sending you lots of No-Burny Vibes.

  12. Yes, please go get that checked out because I have the same problem and don’t have the time to go to the doctor. So if you could go on my behalf, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!

    Jen on the Edges last blog post..The conspiracy theorist

  13. Angella says:

    I have no advice. However. The visual of you shooting flames out of your mouth made my morning.

    Angellas last blog post..On Friends

  14. Melissa says:

    I was having terrible acid reflux due to some drugs I was taking…I started taking OTC prilosec and the reflux was so much better. For me, I stopped taking the drugs…for you, time to see a doc, eh?

    Melissas last blog post..Ever Had A God Day?

  15. Giggle Pixie says:

    Hubby has been having alot of problems with this of late. Never had it before in his life, now it’s nearly a daily occurrence. His seems to be brought on by stress, although it makes me worry he may have an ulcer coming on. I’m trying to get him to have it checked out, and so should you! Better to get started on treatment than let it turn into something worse. And then maybe you can even eat those spicy tacos again. 🙂

    Giggle Pixies last blog post..Was There Really Any Doubt?

  16. Erin says:

    Seriously, bananas give me the WORST heartburn. I think it’s funny that they don’t for you! Unfortunately (and I’m with you on this one) the “few extra pounds” make a huge difference heartburn-wise. Time for me to pull out the 30-day shred video too 🙂

    Erins last blog post..Bad Library Karma

  17. tmc says:

    oh dear. Absolutely please see the doc.

    tmcs last blog post..a question of blogetiquette

  18. Kristie says:

    Kitty asshole water is totally not tasty.

    And I agree with the ppl above me….go get that checked out lady!

    Kristies last blog post..I am not detail oriented

  19. slynnro says:

    I have really bad reflux. All the time. No matter what I eat. I take Prilosec every day. It works just as well as the prescription stuff I used to be on.

  20. December says:

    I have the gut of a goat. We’ll go out for Mexican with 6 people – all 5 will get the poops along with heartburn or acid reflex, except me.

    But now I’ve cursed myself. damn.

    Ooh – but once in a while, when I’m on my 2nd tub of buttery popcorn and cherry coke at the theater, I feel a little sumtin sumtin. Maybe heartburn?

    Decembers last blog post..Baby its cold outside

  21. Elle Charlie says:

    I’m sorry – heartburn sounds like so no fun!

    I’ve taken Prilosec before though, I forget exactly what my issue was if not heartburn?, and it totally helped – you can do a 14 day cycle and see if that clears things up maybe…

    Elle Charlies last blog post..A warning shot fired

  22. Scarlet says:

    kitty asshole is the grossest thing i have ever heard.

  23. I’m with Scarlet. Although it made me laugh out loud, the idea of drinking kitty-asshole-flavored water made me throw up a little.

    I had heartburn and stomach pain caused by stress, although they thought it was my gall bladder and almost scheduled me for SURGERY. Whoops. I took both Prilosec OTC and Zantac, as recommended by my Shaman, and it helped with the heartburn. The stress relief involved tiny heads and virgin sacrifices. Email me if you want the details.

    Anonymous New Yorks last blog post..21-Day Challenge! and Passive Aggressive Elbow in the Ribs

  24. FrozenInSTL says:

    I went through the EXACT same thing about a year ago. It was like I turned 31 and things totally fell apart! I had the breathing issues, and though I was having heart trouble and I stressed out big time. It turned out to be a bad case of acid reflux and I had to go on an applesauce, rice, banana, toast diet. It took me a while, but I found out the biggest, and pretty much only cause was caffiene! uggh, who knew caffiene could all of the sudden turn on you. Prilosec has been my life saver. I was taking OTC, but my doc doubled the dose via prescription and I am 100% better. I still have no idea why it happened all of the suddeen, but I remember how BAD I felt. It was hard to give up caffiene, but a few days without it and I felt so much better! Going to the doc might be a good idea. Good luck!!!

  25. I think you have to take Zantac every day for it to be effective, don’t you? I don’t know, my mother had the same thing for the longest time and finally the doctor was like, hey, let’s remove your gall bladder! And now the pain is gone. I have no idea what one has to do with the other…

    nancypearlwannabes last blog post..Testing… Testing…

  26. Chelsea says:

    Hey! Never commented before (love the blog) but I had horrible problems with heartburn for almost six months before figuring out it was my birth control – something about the progestin(sp?)makes food sit in your stomach longer and therefore causes more acid. I switched to a “lo” dose and it worked wonders. It’s especially bad on those birth controls like seasonale where you only get your period like 4 times a year. Hope it’s an easy fix for you!

  27. Sarah says:

    Call your doctor. Sometimes acid reflux and things tasting badly can be symptoms of something else.
    Not to freak you out or anything.

    Sarahs last blog post..The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

  28. Ree says:

    Maalox babe. That chalky stuff. White. Chalky. Gramma shit. 😉

    You know I love you babe. Get it checked out.

    Rees last blog post..Haiku Friday – Will anyone survive?

  29. Jennifer says:

    hey, just started reading your blog. Like yesterday. Anyway… my husband had nasty, 24hr heartburn. He rotated through every prescription medicine out there, and eventually they stuck a camera up his nose too (something I hope doesn’t happen to you cuz it sucks horribly) and they found that the acid had eaten away at the valve that stops the acid and it no longer existed. They repaired it with surgery, making a new valve out of intestine. And you know what? It worked, 100%. He drank o.j. an hour out of surgery for the first time in 5 years. That’s cuz I’m writing you from Canada where it took about 5 years to have the surgery. 5 years without tomato, red wine, caffeine, fruit juice, you name it. But yeah, it totally changed his life.
    Good luck… hope it’s an easy fix one way or another.

  30. Stacey says:

    “My office doesn’t have a water cooler, which is fine. Except the tap water tastes like it ran through a cat’s asshole before it comes out the faucet.”

    That made me snort.

    Also, get that heartburn thing checked out.

    Staceys last blog post..Because Yesterday It Was Negative Nine Fricken Degrees

  31. Schwerer says:

    Hey chica, I live on Prilosec, just GERD… actually I havent taken on in about a month.. interesting. But anyway, I just took one at the same time everyday and didnt have any issues, I am sure it will be the same with you!

  32. Rhi says:

    My fave heartburn cure is the Tums Instant Dissolve Packs. I’m too lazy to get up and look in the bathroom for what they’re called. But, it’s basically like a Tums Pixie Stick. They work instantly. And, they taste like candy.

    Rhis last blog post..Friday Bullets: There’s never any time!* Edition

  33. Dan says:


    I guess i have had acid reflux for 4 years now without knowing because i never had heartburn .. very good shape male.. but this past month i started getting terrible acid reflux .. the first 3 weeks were bad so i went hardcore and changed my diet to.. whole wheat macaroni with nothing on it at all.. chicken breast with nothing on it at all.. bran cereal with water.. some fruits.. carrots..and ginger tea.. the past 4 days i have had no bouts of acid reflux figureing my diet was working.. but today i went to the doc. just to make sure.. and he was adament about me using zantac when he saw how bad my tooth erosian was.. which i was tyrin to avoid any meds. tryin to naturally heal myself.. so i bought zantac today.. and i used it for the first time.. and 3 hours later i got the worst taste in my mouth it wasnt the sour taste that acid reflux brought but more of a odd salty taste as if i was tasting the zantac pill.. which means that my schpinter must have opend up again but isntead i was spewing a mix of the zantac an acid… PLEASE I NEED HELP i thought my natural healing throuugh a great diet was workin up untill i took this dam pill today.. what should i do??? anyone else get this odd taste after taking zantac i would much appreciat info…