Dear Blank

Posted By on October 15, 2008

Dear Cats,

Please get away from me. Please stop following me around. This apartment is not that big. You know this. You haven’t left it for the last three years. I’m not going to magically disappear when I go around the corner to the kitchen. And I will not melt into the sheets of my bed, never to be seen again. This is the last time I ask nicely for you to please get the fuck away from me you needy bastards.

Although, I do fear you might explode from sadness if and when I do get a job because what on Earth will you do all day without me around to annoy and follow and lick?

On second thought, this is all part of your evil plan to get me the house isn’t it? Well, it is almost working. You have underestimated my laziness and lack of motivation!

Just for that, I’m staying in all next week.


Your Human Overlord


Dear Tooth,

Please stop hurting. I made an appointment for a root canal. But I can’t get in until Tuesday. There is nothing I can do about this. Just please suck it up and stop throbbing until then. And if you wouldn’t mind, could you please go back to being dulled by Advil. Because if I’m going to load my belly with Ibuprofen and give myself liver damage and eat away at my stomach lining, I would like for all those pills to actually TAKE AWAY THE PAIN.

I might have to bring in the bigger guns.

Throbbingly yours,



Dear Vicodin,

I love you. Tooth hates you. It’s a lovely world we live in.

Drugged up and sleepy,



Dear Twitter People,

Why must you ruin Project Runway for me? I asked nicely, BEFORE it started, to not say anything about the episode while the debate was going on. And then I reminded you all again to please stop revealing spoilers.

Guess what Twitter Spoilers? The West Coast hates you for doing this too.

Don’t make me unfollow you.


Seething in Chicago


Dear Kristabella,

Please clean me. I’m disgusting, not unlike your unshowered self. I see you sitting on the couch all day, so don’t tell me you’re too busy to clean up the cat hair tumbleweeds. Perfecting the precise ass print on the cushions is not work.

I’m too gross for words.


Your Apartment

About the author

Kristabella, who also answers to “Hey! Drunk Girl!”, is a reformed band geek with an amazing ability to drink most people under the table. You can read her inane ramblings here, where she talks about her exciting life as a spinster with two cats and a fascination for Bacon.


21 Responses to “Dear Blank”

  1. jen says:

    My dog follows me around a lot too and it does get annoying, but I put up with it.

    Sounds like you need stronger drugs for the next few days.

    jens last blog post..Last couple of days

  2. slynnro says:

    Oh, the endless reasoning I attempted with my broken tooth. Teeth are so stubborn.

    slynnros last blog post..Ask Sassy Kay: Installment No. One.

  3. Melissa says:

    Wow, I’m not even unemployed and I could have written each of these letters…of course we’d have to change your tooth for my ass…but then we’d be all set.

    I so wish I could take Vicodan..

    Melissas last blog post..The Underwear Chronicles….

  4. Mahnee says:

    I hope the tooth feels better…atleast you can take Vicodin. And you can take it and not have to go out of the house. I hope Tuesday comes really fast!

  5. Issy says:

    Cat hair tumbleweeds…I love it!

  6. I will admit that this east coast girl has been a twitter spoiler in the past, but I have changed my ways. I am so sorry.

    Dutchess of Kickballs last blog post..The Ying and the Yang of It All

  7. Oh honey, I hope the tooth pain goes away. I’ve got a whole thing of vicodin that I couldn’t take for my tooth if one’s supply should run out…I’m just saying… 🙂

    La Petite Chics last blog post..Mama’s Got a Brand New Coat!

  8. I am delighted to see I’m not the only one who pens letters to myself & my pets.

    I am not, however, happy to hear about the tooth problem. Sorry about that, and hooray for Vicodin aka nectar of the pharmacists.

    Legallyblondemels last blog post..If I Buy It, Will Winter Come?

  9. Candy says:

    I wouldn’t worry too much about the ibuprofen being the thing that destroys your liver. I mean, this is YOU we’re talking about.

    Candys last blog post..Out Your TiVo Day

  10. whoorl says:

    Twitter + West Coast = Hell On Earth

    whoorls last blog post..A guitar teacher of few (yet funny) words

  11. whoorl says:

    p.s. – hope you get that tooth fixed up real nice.

    whoorls last blog post..A guitar teacher of few (yet funny) words

  12. Rhi says:

    Dear Human Overlord,

    We want our own twitter page. We’ll stop following you around when you get us one.



    Rhis last blog post..Better Now

  13. Career Option #3: Professional letter writer. Possibly editorials or submissions to Dear Abby to keep your writing sharp!

    thecoconutdiariess last blog post..Apropos of Nothing

  14. becky says:

    I definitely could have written the first one, especially if you add in a note about one of them BREAKING every glass thing I own in this house. Damn cats.

    beckys last blog post..End of something good?

  15. Kristie says:

    Yahoo ruined Project Runway for me. Bastard Yahoo.

    Kristies last blog post..My new obsession is ‘bananas’. That doesn’t mean that I’m obsessed with bananas.

  16. bikerchick says:

    Dear Seething,
    I am sooooo sorry if I spoiled PR for you! I swear, I had two Twitter windows open following #debate and #projectrunway at the same time and my frackin mouse was in the wrong window. I would really miss your tweets if you don’t give me a second chance. I even played DINAO, even though I had to shower after that one.
    Groveling in Chicago

  17. Evil Genius says:

    Dear Kristabella’s cats;

    If you REALLY want to get under your human overlord’s skin, skulk into her bed around 3:00am and start grooming her head. And I mean really grooming that melon – give it every ounce of kitty spit you’ve got! And every so often, in between licks, take a hunk of her hair in your mouth and yank on it!

    But be aware, this makes human overlords angry, so you’ll have to work fast to get as many licks in as you can before one of those hands of hers sends you flying.

    Your kitty friends,

    Evil Genius’ cats

    Evil Geniuss last blog post..This Meme is for the Worms

  18. witchypoo says:

    You are so deluded if you think you are the Human Overlord. Cats have servants. That is all.

    witchypoos last blog post..Boring Much?

  19. EmilyPie says:

    I know! My Project Runway was ruined too. I hate being a west coaster now that twitter is around!

    EmilyPies last blog post..ScroogeyPie

  20. jen says:

    At least your cats don’t a) wake you up at 4:30 AM, not to fed, oh no. She wanted to be picked up, and pet. Why this had to occur at 4:30 AM is beyond me. I suppose it’s better than the fact she followed me to the bathroom when I got home today and used the litter box while I peed.

    I’d rather her follow me around.

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