Dear Human
Posted By Kristabella on June 23, 2008
Today, guest blogging on my site are my two cats. Because Kristabella has run out of things to write about. Something she never would have thought was even possible.
Dear Human,
We need to talk. We are not satisfied with the food situation in our home. Notice we said our home, since we spend more time here than you do. Because YOU NEVER LET US OUT. And you come home wobbly and slurry a lot. And almost sit on us.
Do you remember when you used to serve us tasty goodness from a can? When you actually took your lazy ass to the pet store and bought us FOOD? Do you remember? Do you think you could do that again? Like yesterday?
I know what you say. We have dry food. We aren’t starving. Well, this is the equivalent of eating rice cakes all day, every day. How would you like that, huh Human? Huh? I’d image not so much since all we see you do is stuff your face full of FOOD.
How does that food taste? Good? I bet it does. WE WOULD LIKE GOOD TASTING FOOD TOO.
Let’s discuss you stepping on me, Simba. I have not yet forgiven you. Not even close. This is why I am constantly annoying you by LICKING YOUR ARM, since I know you hate it so. And this is also why I have puked every day since, including that one time on your shoe. Sucks, huh? Then DON’T STEP ON ME!
And while you’re at it, would it kill you to clean this apartment up a bit? I have enough cat hair on my CAT BODY, I don’t need to see tumbleweeds of hair balls floating around me at all times. That other cat, the girl one, she is stupid and sometimes chases her own hair. And it is irritating. All while you’re away at work in the air conditioning, while we sweat it out like a fat person wearing a parka in a sauna.
Please take care of our demands and we will not piss on your couch.
Demandingly yours,
CATS
:::
Dear Cats,
Shut the fuck up before I push you out the window. I’m sure there is a restaurant in Chinatown looking for some fresh cat meat.
Sincerely,
The Human
About the author
I thought you might respond with, “Shut your fucking cat face”, but close enough. 🙂
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..Weekend Girl Talk, Part 5: Snail Mail Edition
Great. Now my cat is going to want to guest blog too.
I am so mad at you right now.
Rhi’s last blog post..The Sun is Shining. I Am Busy. The End.
You should’ve put a parental warning on this. Not a Dingo sits on my desk (really, it’s more like she sits on my keyboard) and once she saw this post, it elevated her divaness to a whole ‘nother level. I will send you her list of demands since you started this whole thing.
Dingo’s last blog post..If Miles Were Measured in Donuts
Threaten them with glue traps. Cats (and dogs) HATE glue traps…or so I’ve heard 😉
Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..While They Were Gone
As the Human, I was thinking of responding:
Dear Cats,
Humans are higher-order mammals. Shut up or I’ll get a German Shepherd.
XO,
The Human Who Could Let Your Hair Asses Starve
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Good karma
I have 4 dogs. Wanna get them together for a playdate???? Betcha that would shut them up.
When I come back in another life, I want to be a cat.
But not YOUR cat. (dry food INDEED.)
moo’s last blog post..photo challenge, front & back
Maybe they need a field trip to the subway? I bet they could find their own meat there.
Ree’s last blog post..The Return of The Wife
Snort. That’s hilarious.
Reminds me of this…http://www.scribd.com/doc/37439/Excerpts-From-A-Dog-Cats-Diary
Andria’s last blog post..Boring People Stay Home on Friday and Saturdays
I laughed so hard at “we have enough cat hair on our CAT BODY.”
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..The View
HA. cats with a tude! I love it!
Let’s all get along and not resort to having to call the ASPCA ok? Mkay!
=)
Ashmystir’s last blog post..a little this… a little that…
Heh, that’s how I feel about my cat who soooo badly wants to eat my ice cream out of the dish.
Noelle’s last blog post..Default, the two sweetest words in the English Language
Bwahahahaha! You crack me up!
Marianne’s last blog post..Thirty *cough-cough-cough* Three
This is why I don’t have pets.
Laurel’s last blog post..Questions, Part Seven: Hypotheticals
Now my cat is going to want to write about how mad she is that I don’t let her drink out of my glass. She’s constantly trying to push her fat little head to the bottom of my tumbler. She knocks the glass over in the process. Bad cat!
If I sleep in past 7 and don’t get up to feed my cats their morning can food, I wake up later with a cat butt on each side of my face…
who knew your cats had such great personalities! 😉
Melissa’s last blog post..Uhm, Hello????
Holy crap it was a good thing I wasn’t drinking when I read this, otherwise liquid would have shot out of my nose.
JRM’s last blog post..My Efforts To Go Green
Human? You crack me up.
Angella’s last blog post..NOM NOM NOM
Okay, my cats ARE NOT allowed to read this post!
rye’s last blog post..metaphor
Very cute!
Very cute! I too have a love/hate relationships with my asshole kitties. They’re little punks.
I did almost expect you to say “shutyourfuckingcatface”!
Sarah’s last blog post..Don’t We All Have A Little Bit Of A Princess In Us?
Those cats better be careful. I think I’d be tempted to take them to the vet for shots or something, for being so smart-mouthed with their human!Great post, Kristin!
Coast Rat’s last blog post..HARBOR LUNCH IN ‘THE PASS’
Dear Cats,
I applaud your efforts to demand equality in the home, so, when I get home, we will commence your Stay At Home Kitty training program. The SAHK program will consist of you learning how to vaccuum your hair, scoop your own litter, and to sweep the dry food I have so generously provided you off the floor. Once you are able to successfully complete these tasks, I will have more time to peruse the gourmet cat food isle to reward you for your services.
Sincerely,
The REAL boss of the house
Jenn’s last blog post..Family Portrait
You better be careful. One day you might come home to find they’ve eaten BACON while you were out!
I’m with Rhi on this one. What the hell were you thinking allowing your two cats to guest blog? Now my two cats, who are both male and therefore have the egos of Charles Barkley or Don Juan or some other fucking egotistical male who doesn’t know his ass from his windpipe, are not going to stop pestering me until they have a shot at my blog. And my blog is on a beach. And do you KNOW what cats do in SAND??????
I’m hating on you right now. Sigh….
Evil Genius’s last blog post..Nighty Nite, Don’t Let the….SHIT!
It must be going around. Our dog Tasha “Booty”, refused to eat the other dog’s food, which is high quality stuff. But no, 3 days of protest. I even cooked her a fried egg making sure she wasn’t sick. Nope not sick. Just stubborn.
Now she’s all smile and eating the other dog’s food.
Go figure.
girlplease’s last blog post..Hoo Ya Pain Update
I love when you speak for your cats. Because it is always RIGHT. ON. Not that I’ve met your cats, but I know the type. I’ve got a black one right here that is currently rolling his eyes at me.
Sarah’s last blog post..I think I blushed a thousand shades of red
I was sooo waiting for you to say ‘shut your fucking cat face’. Stupid cats. 😉
Danielle-Lee’s last blog post..My wee little crabcake
I’m seriously rolling on the floor laughing!
Kristie’s last blog post..Whip it into shape
Thanks for makign me snort out loud while participating in a conference call. I had to claim I was supressing a sneeze.
Lara’s last blog post..Finding my religion
Oh so wrong, yet so right.
My two (oops, now three since Samson has decided to stay with me) cats are laughing their tails off and bitch-slapping me in the back of the head while they say “you betta recognize!!”
Lisa-tastrophie’s last blog post..Mile High Club Membership
My cat is currently looking at me from the window with a whole “Momma – if you don’t effin’ feed me, I’ll hold your ice coffee hostage and then guest blog and tell them what’s in your closet” as I sit here cryin’ AGAIN. Between cat blogging and Bacon, I’m dyin’.
Classic. And tell Simba and the other cat that the last time one kitty pissed off her momma, her momma took her to the doctor and the doctor scraped the kitty’s butt (some sort of routine testing or something). It wasn’t a pleasant experience for the cat OR the doctor. Shadow behaves every time I tell her she’s gonna have to to go to the vet.
Lys’s last blog post..Archiving The Past…