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Trust Is A Four Letter Word
By Kristabella | June 24, 2008
You know what is not smart? Not smart is waiting to write your post for today after you get back from therapy. This is not smart for a few reasons: one, it is late when you get home from therapy because the fucking CTA decided to work on the tracks on the brown line, making you stand on the platform for seemingly EVER, and two, therapy generally brings out the tears and the Debbie Downer in me because hello, I’m in therapy for a reason and those reasons are not because I want to brag about puppies and unicorns and that I can poop rainbows. Yipee!
I stood on that platform for seemingly ever (seriously, our train was sitting there in the distance. JUST. SITTING.) thinking about what I could write about. Before therapy I thought about telling you guys how because I’m friends with a MAN at work, we’re clearly sleeping together. Because OMG! What single woman has FRIENDS that are MEN at WORK?
After therapy I’m all “woe is me. Wah wah wah. I’m fucked up. And I’m pretty sure it is mostly my dad’s fault. And I’m sure my therapist is convinced that I’m never going to find a man because I do not trust any men.” Which is not true. As told her, I trust Barack Obama. And I trust Bret Michaels and the fact that he will put out a quality season of Rock of Love every fricking time. Until he dies. Of gets some sort of venereal disease that he will probably get from Kristy Jo.
And then I started to wonder, what the hell can I write about when I’m all weepy and wondering if she’s right and OMG, I’m just like any contestant on The Bachelor because I cannot open up. I have an unpenetrable wall! I will die a lonely, spinster death with my 11 cats all because my dad was an asshole. Woe. Is. Me.
And then I punched my own self in the face.
One, because therapist knows only what I’ve told her in two 45 minute sessions. So really, she’s missing a BIG PART. I’m a talker but even I’m deeper than 90 damn minutes. Two, it isn’t really like I’ve had this line of potential suitors lined up outside my apartment that I keep turning down because I refuse to trust anyone with a penis.
She’s all “you do not trust people. Not everything is so black and white, honey.” (Yeah, we still have the honeys, but not as condescending this time around.) I told her, I’m inherently a very trusting person, almost to a fault, until you FUCK WITH THAT TRUST. Then, you have a bit of a hard road to go up because I make you work to get back in my good graces. I will not let you continue to fuck with that trust. You have to prove to me that you value it. It is a precious thing, so it should be handled that way. Treat it like something you CANNOT break.
I realize people make mistakes. I’m not perfect, I do not expect people to be perfect either. I’m mostly in the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” camp. And shame on me means you will have a hard time ever regaining that trust. Yes I realize this is very harsh. And believe me, through the years I’ve gotten better about it. I used to hold grudges like it was an Olympic event. I’ve eased up on that a little in the last few years and grown up.
But I also don’t mess around with shit like that. Do not lie to me. Do not disappoint me over and over. I’ve been there, done that with my father. I do not want to go there ever again. This is why I surround myself with people that I know I can trust with anything. Because these people in my life will never, ever do anything on purpose to fuck with that.
I know I have my issues I need to work on (that’s why I am back in therapy in the first place). And I know that the things I experienced as a kid, the constant disappointment and lack of support from my father, has messed me up in more ways that I will ever know. But I will not let that affect me and how I live the rest of my life. He did his damage, I know what he did and I will not let him continue to make me feel like this from six feet under.
I will work through it and become an even better person in spite of him. Because my ultimate reward, and revenge on him, is turning out to be this fabulous person that he was too careless and too stupid to let out of his life.
Topics: All in the Family, Therapee |
June 25th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Our fathers could start their own club it sounds like. LWDD (Losers Who Ditch their Daughters)
Kimberly/ MommaK’s last blog post..Stolen
June 25th, 2008 at 6:11 am
And if you can’t trust the CTA, who can you trust?
Dingo’s last blog post..Phone Company Grass
June 25th, 2008 at 6:42 am
You ARE a fabulous person! Stop kidding yourself
Oh, and you are SO TOTALLY screwing your male work friend, haha. I used to “get around” a lot at work, too (according to the rumor mill) … back when I worked with actual men (as opposed to the canine variety).
rye’s last blog post..metaphor
June 25th, 2008 at 7:05 am
That’s right, “honey”! You seriously rock. Like Bret Michaels, but without the v.d.
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..Weekend Girl Talk, Part 5: Snail Mail Edition
June 25th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Your last paragraph says it all.
Ree’s last blog post..First No
June 25th, 2008 at 8:29 am
I’m glad that you know what holds you back and that you admit it. I’m also glad that you know what you need to work on and that you don’t want to let it rule the way you live. keep it up with the therapist and you’ll find life to easier to deal with.
that all penises are NOT created equal. LOL.
Ashmystir’s last blog post..I don’t wanna grow up…
June 25th, 2008 at 9:04 am
You are a fabulous person, even if you don’t poop rainbows.
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Tattoos
June 25th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Move forward be the Kristabella we all love the past is behind you leave it there where it belongs be who you are and live your future it’s a better place.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:32 am
My best friend in law school was a guy, but I don’t think there were ever any rumors about us. Probably because my husband could have squished my friend like a bug if there had been an issue.
Therapy is a slow process, right? So I hope that it gets better for you.
-R-’s last blog post..Welcome, World
June 25th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I don’t think I could handle therapy. Seriously.
Cathy’s last blog post..So refreshing…
June 25th, 2008 at 10:52 am
The therapist calls you honey? I think that alone has put me off therapy for another lifetime…
Hope things work out!
Noelle’s last blog post..Hey, You… I know you, I know you
June 25th, 2008 at 11:03 am
This was powerful. And awesome.
Honey
I couldn’t resist. My Dad is a colossal idiot, so I get what you are going through, to some degree.
Angella’s last blog post..Mommalicious
June 25th, 2008 at 11:09 am
“you do not trust people. Not everything is so black and white, honey.”
Did she really say this? Because in the first sentence she made a statement that was pretty absolute and then in the second sentance tells you not everything is black and white? WTF?
JRM’s last blog post..Left Foot
June 25th, 2008 at 11:12 am
STOP COPYING ME DAMMIT!
Seriously, we are so similar it’s scary. The difference is that it was my mom who was/is uninterested in me.
Nic’s last blog post..Whip It Up reminder! And, um, recipe ideas?
June 25th, 2008 at 11:14 am
You sound like you are going to kick ass and take names.
Take that, Mental Health! Huah!
Also, the fact that you used a Bachelor allusion REALLY helped me understand this post. Thanks!
Laurel’s last blog post..Camping Trip 2008
June 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Do you ever feel like you just have had quite ENOUGH of therapy? I ditched my last therapist, because she kept on and on about my fucking father, and wanted me to prepare a speech, and she would tape a piece of paper that said dad to a chair, and I would deliver the speech to him.
No. I kept saying. She kept on, and finally I was all, WTF. NOOOOO. I almost felt like she was trying to draw drama out of me. Argh.
Andria’s last blog post..Thirsty Days
June 25th, 2008 at 11:44 am
um, yeah, i’ve got me some daddy issues too.
they suck.
ali’s last blog post..pocketables and robot musicals
June 25th, 2008 at 11:55 am
damn, i knew something was missing in my life… the ability to poop rainbows. merde.
Alice’s last blog post..chicago: plan my trip for me!
June 25th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Hang in there, Babe. Sometimes therapy can move along as slowly as the EL… still sounds like you’re headed in the right direction.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
If a therapist called me honey, I’d walk out on them.
Lauren’s last blog post..Are They Really Interested In You?
June 25th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
If Bret Michaels could read, he would be all over you right now. Do you think you could put this to a song?
thecoconutdiaries’s last blog post..A Case For Women To Grow Penises
June 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Bret Michaels will never let us down… unless he ends up with anyone other than Heather. (They may not be in luuuuurve, but I like to think of them as hetero life-mates, because, c’mon, Heather can sometimes be dude-ish.)
Can’t. Wait. For. 1 <3 Money!!!!!
The Muse’s last blog post..I <3 Fast Cars
June 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
We all have our “issues” and more than likely it’s because of our parents. If we didn’t have them, then therapists would be out of a job.
So are you saying she was too assuming in a short amount of time?
I don’t think it’s not trusting men, per sey, I think it’s a general trust issue. Would you be this way with a girl or more forgiving?
I had 2 crappy parents (thanks emotional abuse!). Trust issue wasn’t my deal. Feeling like I was totally inadequate unless I dated a loser was my issue.
Now, men are my boy toys.
Wait. That was 8 years ago.
Now, my man is my boy toy?
Or at least he would like to be. Meow!
You’re not fucked up as you think you are.
I mean, you dig bacon.
girlplease’s last blog post..Today’s observations
June 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
I will, however, say you need therapy if you think Bret Michaels is ace material.
Blah.
“Every Turd Has It’s Corn?”
If that loser ever does Rock of Love III, we should totally get together and watch it. Snark-galore.
I love me some good trainwreck television.
girlplease’s last blog post..Today’s observations
June 25th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I know exactly how you feel. You are willing to trust, up to a point, but keep your deeper self shaded and hidden. You open up reluctantly, hesitantly, and then curl up back into a ball when things go wrong or get hard.
But! As a survivor … I have to say … being with someone who appreciates you every day … with someone who doesn’t betray your trust … you can learn to get over it. But taking that first step of trust and opening up? That is REALLY FUCKING HARD. With anyone.
moo’s last blog post..Book meme
June 25th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I think it’s completely normal to not automatically trust someone who has broken your trust before. Right? That’s normal!
Katie’s last blog post..The Evolution of My Eyebrows
June 25th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I thought I was the only one who could hold a grudge FOREVER. I still hate the Showbiz Pizza in Colorado Springs for not letting me in the ball crawl when I was 7 and they thought I was too tall.
We’re very much alike. My relationship with my father is very similar to yours. Except yours is dead and mine is still out there…bugging me.
Sarah’s last blog post..Coming Down From My Princess High
June 25th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Ah! “Man Issues” I too have man issues but mine have nothing to do with my daddy!
Don’t worry, you are fabulous! The first few sessions of therapy SUCK!
Aren’t office rumors the best? If I eat too much for lunch I’m suddenly pregnant. If I don’t eat enough, I must be anorexic. Also, since I’m single, I must be flirting with EVERY male caller right?!
Erin’s last blog post..Plan B
June 25th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I know how hard that is, to get over what your dad did in order to find peace and happiness, regardless of how many years ago it happened. But you are so right about that revenge. It’s harder work than it is for some but it’ll get you to the point where you feel only pity for him, that he never got to really know the most fabulous person. You.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..Searching
June 25th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I like your trust mantra.
Scarlet’s last blog post..Hot Stuff
June 25th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
This makes me happy for you and sad for my mom because she has major dad issues that I don’t think she’ll ever work out.
slynnro’s last blog post..In which I reveal a great character flaw.
June 26th, 2008 at 8:57 am
it could always be worse:
http://haloscan.com/tb/melina310/6808900570624308415
melina’s last blog post..Far From Therapeutic
June 26th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Oh sweeetie, I think we must share a dad. And a lack of trust for men. It’s a sad thing.
Kristie’s last blog post..Whip it into shape
June 26th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I’m glad to hear you at least are willing to put your trust in Bret Michaels. He really is the kind of guy we can all count on.
When I think of therapy, I think of that line in the movie The Shawshank Redemption about crawling through a river of shit and coming out clean. That, to me, is what therapy is. The shit part sucks, but the coming out clean part? Not so bad.
I continue to be proud of you for willingly crawling through the river of shit.
Lara’s last blog post..Finding my religion
June 26th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Therapy….love it, yet hate it.
You can borrow my husband. Really. Go ahead. He’s yours. It’s ok. Really.
I’ve been accused of sleeping with the Fed Ex guy back in the day. Good times.
June 28th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
You are absolutely fabulous! Your father is a fool for not seeing that and treating you with all the good intentions you deserve. Boo on him, kudos to you for not letting him have the last word.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Trust in YOURSELF! You are strong enough to get past all the damage. Therapy is hard work but I know you can do it… and I call bullshit on anyone expecting you to never be a Debbie Downer.
Please, life is real.
Raven’s last blog post..home again, home again, hooligans!